【写作小分队】杜绝拖延症 bechasing要拿下iBT

晨依Jacqueline

看了bechasing给我修改的作文，发现了自己很多不足，喵呜·~要抓紧改！
其实晨依也是拖延到近一个小时写出来的
先占个楼，下午给bechasing修改大作哈~~~

As thesociety is in constant change and progress, the thought that young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole is totally prejudicial and wrong. I have(感觉这么说有点二) three reasons to support my opinion as follow.(I have和as follows的混搭怪怪的，建议换一个表达~ )

First of all, the collective appeal of young people is getting(drawing/attracting肿么样) more and more attention from thesociety due to the rapid development of Internet. With the popularization of burgeoningways of communication, such as mini-blog(micro-blog), Facebook and so on,(我觉得微博和脸书不可以作为ways of communication的列举，是不是应该说such as communicating via Facebook？不知道这样对不对……)young people can express their justified opinions and ideas about the society more frequently. As a result of collective behavior, the society, especially the government, has to listen to them and change the current policies to satisfy their appeals. A recent case has happened in the Arab world in 2010, which was called “Arab spring”. At that time young people were not content with the existing policies, they went to street and called for political and economic reformation. Finally, their requests leaded to an important social transformation in Arab world.(晨依都看懵了(⊙o⊙)…博学的bechasing！)

Another significant aspect is that the ability of young people is now shaping a new world, which promotes the continuous development of the society. For instance, the innovation ability of young people is far greater than that of older people, and thus they are often called as“ new dawn of the society”. The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, leads the new and substantial change of Internet as he establishes a novel communication on the network, bringing the society the interactive age of Internet(个人感觉是不是internet已经包含了interactive的特点了？). Young people are more creative and are energetic to make breakthrough, which is the major factor promoting social progress.

What is more, the society needs fresh ideas and thoughts of young people in order to keep social vitality. An impetuous river,(是不是个比喻啊，感觉突然来一river好突兀啊、加个连词之类的暗示一下读者肿么样、、、As we all know)without the addition of “new blood”, will dry up and get decayed. That is the same to the society. If the society overlooks the fresh but precious ideas of young people, it cannot obtain the impetus to reform itself and always keep active.

In sum, based on the above(放到perspective后面、) perspectives, I strongly disagree with the statement that young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society. (开头和结尾都是直接把观点抄上了、要不要换一个同义表述？)



Conclusion：

怎么说呢、我之前审题的时候就很困惑，也不知道怎么下手写，所以也没有什么头绪来评。说说我的感觉吧，优点就是好词好句好例子，缺点是感觉有一些表达偏中式，看得有一点点费劲。观点方面，虽然我觉得也不是完全切合题目，但是确实比我写的要好多了，捂脸ing……不多说饿了，一起加油吧~！

bechasing

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Compared with people who live in cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families. 20101009 NA
紫色建议，红色修改，高亮精彩。

Currently, with the rapid development of Chinese economy, the urbanization process is accelerated while more and more people are moving into numerous swelling cities. (乡-城迁移促进了城市化？？) And thus there exists an increasing（这个搭配我理解，但是英文还是罕见啊，还是hot吧）debate on whether people who live in cities can take better care of their families than people who live in rural areas do. From my angle, I have to admit that people living in counties take better care of their family members than those living in cities do. （感觉这两句表述重复的太多。改进一下试试：This flooding migration are willing to travel far because they claim that the affluent cities may provide a more ideal environment to take care of their families, compared with the rural areas. However, I doubt whether this claim can hold water.）

First of all, people living in countries can spend more time on their families. Since the city people(urban dwellers) must go out for work in the daytime, they hardly have time to chat and company with their family members. The continuously speeded pace of modern metropolitan life poses sever stress to individual person within families (看混乱了，直接individuals就可以吧) and makes them feel nervous. A lack of time to stay together results to the gradually alienated family bonds between home members. However, people who live in rural areas do not need to worry about this question and can often stay together at any time due to their free time schedule. So they can know each other better.

In addition, the rural people are more amiable and loyal than the city people; they do not haggle on every ounce. I actually come from the countryside. Once a time my grandfather got injured while he was walking down the stairs. Every member of my family was very sad about it and immediately sent him to hospital. I still remember that my aunt insisted on taking the nourishment to my grandpa （grandpa’s taking nourishment） every day, hoping he could recover again. In contrast, I have once heard a tragedy story (删除，多余啦) about a young people who lived and worked in a big city. He went so far as to leave his sick mother at home alone and did not take her to see a doctor. When the newspaper uncovered it, he should say that he have no money and time to do that.（he only took his busy schedule as excuses.）

What is more, compared with people who live urban areas, those who live in countryside often live close to their family members and so they can visit and take care of each other more often. This can be understood from my own case. My brother is working in a toy factory and lives very close to my parents.(and并列前后最好时态对称)Since I am still in school in the city and have no time to see（visit） my parents very frequently. So my brother often go back home after work to help my parents do (with) the housework. If both I and my brother (老外喜欢把I 放在最后) live in urban area, my parents will be very laborious.

In sum, take the spared time （？） staying with families, good qualities of rural people, and living close to each other（不并列，最好也用N性质的） into consideration, I strongly believe that people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families than people living in cities do.





Conclusion：

1.观点清晰，结构完整，内容丰富~~~有好些好词，学习啦~~~

2.前两个观点所举两个例子都是自己的。最好举一个名人的或者引用之类，说理更可信。

3.举例有点点流水账呢，建议看点叙事的文章？最好例子举完再加一个总结。

4.用词个别地方不太简洁呢，多多积累地道表达~



加油~~~共同进步~~~~

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/4/14 0:34:05)

鸟儿一点多帮我改，太感动了，赞精神。

前两个观点所举两个例子都是自己的。最好举一个名人的或者引用之类，说理更可信。
好~~
举例有点点流水账呢，建议看点叙事的文章？最好例子举完再加一个总结。
哈哈 这个回头看还真是 多谢建议
用词个别地方不太简洁呢，多多积累地道表达~
嗯 中式英语迹象明显 有口语化的影响

bechasing

看了bechasing给我修改的作文，发现了自己很多不足，喵呜·~要抓紧改！
其实晨依也是拖延到近一个小时写出来的
先占个楼，下午给bechasing修改大作哈~~~

As thesociety is in constant change and progress, the thought that young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole is totally prejudicial and wrong. I have(感觉这么说有点二) three reasons to support my opinion as follow.(I have和as follows的混搭怪怪的，建议换一个表达~ )

First of all, the collective appeal of young people is getting(drawing/attracting肿么样) more and more attention from thesociety due to the rapid development of Internet. With the popularization of burgeoningways of communication, such as mini-blog(micro-blog), Facebook and so on,(我觉得微博和脸书不可以作为ways of communication的列举，是不是应该说such as communicating via Facebook？不知道这样对不对……)young people can express their justified opinions and ideas about the society more frequently. As a result of collective behavior, the society, especially the government, has to listen to them and change the current policies to satisfy their appeals. A recent case has happened in the Arab world in 2010, which was called “Arab spring”. At that time young people were not content with the existing policies, they went to street and called for political and economic reformation. Finally, their requests leaded to an important social transformation in Arab world.(晨依都看懵了(⊙o⊙)…博学的bechasing！)

Another significant aspect is that the ability of young people is now shaping a new world, which promotes the continuous development of the society. For instance, the innovation ability of young people is far greater than that of older people, and thus they are often called as“ new dawn of the society”. The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, leads the new and substantial change of Internet as he establishes a novel communication on the network, bringing the society the interactive age of Internet(个人感觉是不是internet已经包含了interactive的特点了？). Young people are more creative and are energetic to make breakthrough, which is the major factor promoting social progress.

What is more, the society needs fresh ideas and thoughts of young people in order to keep social vitality. An impetuous river,(是不是个比喻啊，感觉突然来一river好突兀啊、加个连词之类的暗示一下读者肿么样、、、As we all know)without the addition of “new blood”, will dry up and get decayed. That is the same to the society. If the society overlooks the fresh but precious ideas of young people, it cannot obtain the impetus to reform itself and always keep active.

In sum, based on the above(放到perspective后面、) perspectives, I strongly disagree with the statement that young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society. (开头和结尾都是直接把观点抄上了、要不要换一个同义表述？)



Conclusion：

怎么说呢、我之前审题的时候就很困惑，也不知道怎么下手写，所以也没有什么头绪来评。说说我的感觉吧，优点就是好词好句好例子，缺点是感觉有一些表达偏中式，看得有一点点费劲。观点方面，虽然我觉得也不是完全切合题目，但是确实比我写的要好多了，捂脸ing……不多说饿了，一起加油吧~！

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/4/14 8:54:16)

审题我也困惑了好久 晨依给了我很好的建议，谢谢啦！
这方面的事例多积累一些 再狂举例子 下起笔来就很有劲啦 咱们年轻有力量 哈哈哈~~
作文写的少，中式很难摆脱啊 一起加油~

bechasing

4.15 独立  思维混乱+借鉴之后的烂文一篇
As Andrew Sullivan said that, “Errors are inevitable. Themark of character is not refusing to recognize them, but acknowledging them andtaking responsibility.” Personaly, I completely agree that the most importantcharacteristic for politics is to accept responsibility for mistake. Because it help politicians make progress andgain respect from the general public.

To begin with, accepting responsibility helps politicians make improvements. The inability toaccept responsibility for their actions and behaviors is a result ofinsecurity. That is to say, by taking responsibility politicians may feel that theyare admitting to being weak, powerless, or an opportunity to lose the respectof others. It may cause them to feel that they will lose their sense of valueand importance. However, one cannot never make a mistake since nobody isperfect. When policiticians accept responsibility they are accepting the blamefor their actions and also accepting the responsibility for making improvements.Accepting responsibility is a measure of one's self-worth and the true sign of intrinsicstrength and courage. Having this ability can empower them to learn to getperfect, though no one is perfect.

Furthermore, taking responsibility earns politicians respect and help them become more popular in the general public. Because people prefer tohave an honest political leader rather than a lier. Actually, throughout thelong history around the world, we may find out that many politicians lose theirpolitical future for not accepting their mistakes immediately due to hesitationor variety of excuses. For instance, some politicians chose to hide theirmistakes by an elaborate hoax; however, the truth cannot be covered all thetime. Once it is uncovered, those personal mistakes might become big scandals,and the politicians would no longer be trusted by the followers. On the contrary,people will respect those politicians who have courages to admit their mistakesand correct them. The public treat them as common people rather than flimsy perfectperson.

In sum, from whathas been discussed above, we can come to the conclusion that accepting responsibility formistake is the most important characteristic for politics.

daisyの小夢想

4.15 独立

As Andrew Sullivan said that, “Errors are inevitable. The mark of character is not refusing to recognize them, but acknowledging them and taking responsibility.”Personaly(Personally), I completely agree that the most important characteristic for politics is to accept responsibility for mistake. Because it help(helps) politicians make progress and gain respect from the general public

To begin with, accepting responsibility helps politicians make improvements. The inability to accept responsibility for their actions and behaviors is a result of insecurity. That is to say, by taking responsibility politicians may feel that they are admitting to being(admit to being) weak, powerless, or (and may lose the respect from others)an opportunity to lose the respect of others. It may cause them to feel that they will lose their sense of value and importance. However, one cannot never make a mistake since nobody is perfect. When policiticians (politicians) accept responsibility(,) they are accepting the blame for their actions and also accepting the responsibility for making improvements. Accepting responsibility is a measure of one's self-worth and the true sign of intrinsic strength and courage. Having this ability can empower them to learn to get(be) perfect, though no one is perfect.

To begin with, accepting responsibility helps politicians make improvements. The inability to accept responsibility for their actions and behaviors is a result of insecurity. That is to say, by taking responsibility politicians may feel that they are admitting to being(admit to being) weak, powerless, or (and may lose the respect from others)an opportunity to lose the respect of others. It may cause them to feel that they will lose their sense of value and importance. However, one cannot never make a mistake since nobody is perfect. When policiticians (politicians) accept responsibility(,) they are accepting the blame for their actions and also accepting the responsibility for making improvements. Accepting responsibility is a measure of one's self-worth and the true sign of intrinsic strength and courage. Having this ability can empower them to learn to get(be) perfect, though no one is perfect.

Furthermore, taking responsibility earns politicians respect and help(s) them become more popular in the general public. Because people prefer to have an honest political leader rather than a lier(liar). Actually, throughout the long history around the world, we may find out that many politicians lose their political future for not accepting their mistakes immediately due to hesitation or variety of excuses. For instance, some politicians chose to hide their mistakes by an elaborate hoax; however, the truth cannot be covered all the time. Once it is uncovered, those personal mistakes might become big scandals, and the politicians would no longer be trusted by the followers. On the contrary, people will respect those politicians who have courages to admit their mistakes and correct them. The public treat them as common people rather than flimsy perfect person.

In sum, from what has been discussed above, we can come to the conclusion that accepting responsibility for mistake is the most important characteristic for politics.


观点不错，语言不错，但是缺了一点具体的例子，这篇我也写得很是纠结，不知道怎么论证，学习了。

bechasing

4.16 独立
How to get along well with others is an art. Some people hold the opinion that we have the right to require others and be rude to someone if he does harm to our personal interest. While others deem that we should never be rude to another person. From my angle, I completely agree with the latter view of point for the reasons as follow.

To begin with, to be polite to others is an indication of one person’s moral quality and shows good impression to others. In some conditions, if we show our sincere friendliness to another person, we will readily win others’ respect. For instance, when we are in a crowded bus or train, someone stomp our foot without any hostility, a generous smile will eliminate his uneasiness and win us respect. In contrast, if you lose our temper on the trivial things, you lose the elegant demeanor. Even worse, you will make others a very bad impression that you are a person who is hard to get along with and afterwards fewer people would like to work together and make friends with you.

In addition, never be rude to another person is the lubrication in a group as a whole. Image you are a group leader of a company, how will you response if someone makes a mistake in his work? I deem that the optimal choice is having a deep conservation with him and helping him remedy his fault. Since in this way would the worker like to work for you and the efficiency of the organization will be developed. If you are rude and show your anger to him, however, it will tremendously harm the enthusiasm and self-esteem of the employee, naturally, the work efficiency will be damaged. Never showing impolite to others is the best way to make the group members work with muck more willing and maximum the organizations efficiency compared to being rude to them.

On the contrary, showing impolite to someone is really a unreasonable behavior which will do harm to our relationship between each other. Once a time, one of my classmate and I took part in a badminton competition as teammates. But my classmate was not skilled in playing badminton. During the contest, he could hardly give a counterpunch to the rival and I could not give full play  to my skills. Of cause, finally we lost the game. After the competition I thrown the racket away and shouted at him, which really hurt his feelings. Our relationship was broken up and I always regretted about this. If I could be polite at that moment, I would not lose an intimate friend.

In sum, either from the purely personal point of view or from the group’s perspective, I reinforce here that there is never a reason to be rude to another person.

探险者

How to get along well with others is an art. Some people hold the opinion that we have the right to require others and be rude to someone if he does harm to our personal interest. While others deem（楼主这个词替换的很好哦） that we should never be rude to another person. From my angle, I completely agree with the latter view of point for the reasons as follow.

To begin with, to be polite to others is an indication of one person’s moral quality and shows good impression to others（这里的动词觉得应该用leave，因为是给别人留下好的印象，而show是展示的意思）. In some conditions, if we show our sincere friendliness to another person, we will readily win others’ respect. For instance, when we are in a crowded bus or train, someone stomp our foot without any hostility, a generous smile will eliminate his uneasiness and win us respect（这点不太理解，为什么用us，你想说的是赢得谁的尊重呢？）. In contrast, if you lose our（your） temper on the trivial things, you lose the elegant demeanor. Even worse（what’s worse是不是更好）, you will make（leave） others a very bad impression that you are a person who is hard（可以换用difficult,或者formidable后者更大一些） to get along with and afterwards fewer people would like to work together and make friends with you.

In addition, never be rude to another person is the lubrication in a group as a whole. Image（Imagine） you are a group leader of a company, how will you response if someone makes a mistake in his work? I deem（前面用过这个词了，可以换种方式，比如Clearly， the optimal choice is…） that the optimal choice is having a deep(如果换用close是不是更显亲密一些) conservation with him and helping him remedy（楼主，好词） his fault. Since in this way would the worker like to work for you and the efficiency of the organization will be developed. If you are rude and show your anger to him, however, it will tremendously harm（如果是热情的话，用discourage是不是好些，当然harm self-esteem是很好的） the enthusiasm and self-esteem of the employee, naturally, the work efficiency will be damaged. Never showing impolite（show是不是应当加名词，如impolite manners） to others is the best way to make the group members work with muck more willing and maximum the organizations efficiency compared to being rude to them.

On the contrary, showing impolite to someone is really a unreasonable behavior which will do harm to our relationship between each other. Once a time, one of my classmate and I took part in a badminton competition as teammates. But my classmate was not skilled in playing badminton. During the contest, he could hardly give a counterpunch to the rival and I could not give full play to my skills. Of cause, finally we lost the game. After the competition I thrown the racket away and shouted at him, which really hurt his feelings. Our relationship was broken up and I always regretted about this. If I could be polite at that moment, I would not lose an intimate（好词） friend.

In sum, either from the purely personal point of view or from the group’s perspective, I reinforce here that there is never a reason to be rude to another person.

第一次参加小组作文的互改，感觉的确学到不少。楼主的文章有着清晰的思路，每一段的论证有很好的递进，显得有条理，而我自己有的时候意思表达的不清楚。此外，你的作文中许多词汇的替换很好，省去了传统词汇重复使用的弊端，但是应当注意一下，有的词可能还要仔细斟酌。

我看到你在文中用到了倒装，这个真的很棒，当然，在我个人的修改意见中，把一个deem后的内容改用clearly的状语前置开始，楼主可以多尝试一下，这可以增加文章的可读性，比如你在文中有处使用的naturally。

最后一段的例子，使用自己的例子，而且你的描述很to-the-point，觉得很好。但是这一段的描述，句与句之间可以多一些连接，使得更连贯

第一次改啊，是个人观点。大家相互学习，欢迎来我的帖子拍砖啊。。。

bechasing

谢谢探险者的细心修改建议很好，一定认真修改
学习了~~

bechasing

4.17 独立 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.
As is known to all, our society, especially our life standard, has been thoroughly reshaped and promoted over the past several decades thanks to the increasing development of science and technology. It is plausible to have the idea that the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives has already taken place. But from my angle, I am afraid that this point of view can hardly withstand any scrutiny.

To begin with, human beings have eager aspiration to create better lives, thus one cannot arbitrarily think that people’s lives have already been improved and we have no chance to make any progress. This is obiviously ridiculous once you look back to the twentieth century. At the beginning of last century, people’s lives have been improved a lot due to the invention of motor vehicle at that time. The car took people only a very short time to reach any destination they wanted to go instead of slow walking or taking umcomfortable carriage. Can you say that the most significant improvement for the life quality has been achieved at that time? Of cause not. Subsequently, the advent of Internet Age greatly changed people’s lives and facilitate our living. One can never claim that the most progress in improving living standard have been obtained since better has no limitation.

However, there still exsit many chanllenges regard to people’s life need to be accomplished. For instance, the worldwide shortage of energy immensely limits the ongoing movement of the society. Experts predict that the remaining storage of fossil oil will be run out by the time of 2050.
Without settling down the problem of stable energy supply, we cannot imagine how difficult our lifves will become. In addition, when it comes to the means of transportation, the current ones, though considerably facilitating people’s lives since the inventation of car and plane, but there still has a huge space for further improvement since the urban space get more and more crowded. In the near future, producing low energy-consumption and environmental friendly transportation tools is definitely worth expecting to further improve people’s lives.

On the contrary, we human beings are now facing austere environmental problems, which poses a threat to the sustainable development of the earth and people's health life. People’s lives quality is weakened by the growing environmental issues such as air pollution and water contamination. Therefore, for the comprehensive sustainable development, novel science and technology are in great demand to solve these problems in order to improve ecological environment and living standard. We should continuously focus on making a better life rather than feeling self-contented with the progress we have made.

In sum, I deem that it is overoptimistic to declare the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives has already been achieves.

bechasing

4.18 独立 Money: Travelling or saving for future?
Currently, with the rapid development of Chinese economy, the common people’s life standard is continuously improved and their family income is getting much more than before. Thus they have spared money to dispose in addition to the indispensable part. When it comes to how to deal with it, I completely agree that spending money on travelling and vocation is much better than saving for future.

To begin with, travelling around can bring us rich experience about life. Our life is like a journey, only those who know to slow down their pace can appreciate its beauty. That is really the point. They can go to interesting places and meet new persons by travelling. It is connected with getting to know other cultures and traditions which are surely valuable. Furthermore, it is usually said that journeys educate, so while travelling as well as exploring people can make their knowledge wider and expand their horizons. Also people become more experienced and ready to cope with the surrounding world if they learn something while being in journey. Travelling can enriches people’s ordinary life and teaches them how to deal with it.

Another great benefit of travelling is the relaxation you get to do. It’s nice to live life to its fullest and enjoy a stress-free time with yourself. As the old saying goes, all works and no play makes Jack a dull boy. People need to travel to different places to take breaks from their busy work life. Going on vacation enable us to recharge our “batteries” by disconnecting us from our regular life. When we come back we feel invigorated and we are happy to be back in our day to day routine. It’s a very good stress remover that has a lot more to give than most people are willing to accept. One should also note that he cannot earn the countless money in the world but he can spend some to taste the precious joy of life through a travel.

What is more, when traveling with friends or family it creates memories for a lifetime. These memories will create a bond that nothing can erase no matter what happens with the relationship between people. Travelling is particularly worth doing especially at the time when the bond is alienated due to their individual business. It can give a new perspective on the relationship and cement the bond forever. It also gives nice stories to tell people afterwards. You can create photo albums about your trips and when you feel nostalgic you can take an hour recalling your life and experience about the trips again by looking at your pictures.

To sum up, based on the reasons mentioned above I strongly agree that people should spending money on travelling instead of saving it since it enriches people’s life experience, bring them joys, and even solidifies the relationship between people.