Top MBA Essay Analysis from Jon Frank---P11: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING MBA APPLIC

JonFrank

Be detailed in your thought process but brief with technical jargon
Knowing when to add detail to a story and when to be brief is an art in itself. While there’s no substitute for practice and experience, there are a few key rules to keep in mind when structuring an essay to avoid wasting space on content that won’t benefit your application.

Detail is like cholesterol: there’s the good kind and the bad kind. The good kind adds depth to your story, giving the reader insight into your thought process and proving your claims. The bad kind is dry, technical material with no emotional resonance that causes the reader’s attention to drift. Follow these quick tips, however, and you’ll be certain that your essay is 100% killer and 0% filler.

DON’T get technical. TECHNICAL details should be kept to a minimum. Detailed programming or engineering specifications are meaningless to most readers and serve only to blunt the emotional impact of your story, making it seem long-winded and boring. If it sounds like dialogue on Star Trek, it’s almost definitely worth cutting out. Here’s an example of how NOT to write about a technical problem: “Because the motherboard was over-heating, it became necessary to increase our cooling system in a way that didn’t require an increase in voltage. Running a full hardware scan, it became evident that our previous attempts to patch the bug in the XR8’s software hadn’t done the job and a full recode was in order.”
Tell us what you felt at the time. On the other hand, detail that tells us “how you felt” or your “thought process” during an event is almost always worth including. This material both allows the reader to connect with you emotionally and, by detailing out the reasons for your action, you can PROVE all of the qualities you claim to have. Take this sentence for example: “Despite working on this project for 24 consecutive hours, I wasn’t ready to give up; I was determined to hand in a final build in time and when I finally rendered the last file, I knew it had all been worth it.”
Quantify your achievements. While it’s important NOT to get technical, you SHOULD use numbers when it comes to backing up your claims. Don’t just tell the reader that you “earned a bonus,” let him know that “after raising company profits 15%, you were promoted to senior management, earning a 10% raise to become the fastest rising employee in company history.”
So remember:

Don’t get technical.
Do tell us how you felt at the time.
Do quantify your achievements.

JonFrank

Positive tone, direct sentence structure, & precise examples will get your message across

“You know what I mean…”

Well…maybe not! There are a hundred different ways to express the same idea on paper, but not every sentence is made equal. When trying to convey information, it’s essential to use a positive tone, direct sentence structure, and precise examples. Otherwise, your message just won’t connect. Or, worse, it could send the totally opposite message of what you intended. Take this paragraph:

When my post-grad coworkers spoke to me, I found they had more respect for their peers and a greater sense of social fairness. Their ingenuity and curiosity prompted me consider an MBA. They also pointed out that I lacked a holistic view of global enterprise – I still viewed business from a bureaucrat’s perspective. That’s the initial push that prompted me to apply to UCLA.

We sort of get what he’s saying… buuuuut this doesn’t quite work for a couple of reasons. First, it’s needlessly long, which weakens his message and leads to some awkward sentence structure. Second, this is too negative in its focus on the skills he’s lacking. Finally, terms such as “social fairness” and “a holistic view of global enterprise” are too vague and lack the clear and precise meaning one wants to convey in an application essay. Now after a few rounds of edits, this is what our applicant came back with…

Approaching colleagues, I found that those with graduate degrees had more respect for others and a greater sense of equality and fairness. Their creativity made me realize that I needed to broaden my horizons beyond a state owned middle-eastern company, prompting me to consider UCLA.

Here’s why this works: he switched his negative tone that emphasized his lack of skills to a positive one that emphasized what he wanted to learn. This changed none of the content but reframed the issue from his inadequacies to what he hopes to achieve.  He also cut his word count down by switching to the active tense and limiting himself to two sentences. And, after a series of questions that forced him to clarify his message, he modified his search for “a holistic view of business” to the more concrete and attainable goal of broadening his horizons beyond his home country.

And now his message (and explanation for his need for an MBA) is loud and clear for the adcom.

So remember:

A positive tone.
Short direct sentences using the active tone.
Concrete, attainable goals.

JonFrank

Highlight your accomplishments with simple language and hard evidence.
If you’re applying to a top-ranked school, you’ll almost certainly have impressive academic and professional achievements under your belt. Unfortunately, too many applicants either brag about or undermine their achievements in their essays, doing more harm than good. Here are a couple of sentences from a prospective applicant that attempts to demonstrate his can-do attitude but doesn’t quite measure up:

In the record 70 days that it took to reorganize operations, I had to think outside the box and work within limited resources: operating out my apartment, and even sometimes, my car. Without disrupting company procedure too much, I tried to make the most of shared resources among EchoRinse companies.

Let’s begin with some questions: what did this applicant even do? We know he reorganized operations, but what does that mean in this context? Why did he have to work out of his car? Finally, what did he accomplish and can he prove it?

The first thing this needs is a point… an accomplishment that justifies even mentioning this story. By telling us what he did and what he accomplished, these sentences can go from obtuse claims covered in jargon to a powerful demonstration of the writer’s abilities. Furthermore, it can shift his bizarre aside about working out of his car into a new light.

Take a look at what he sent us back after our comments…

In the record seventy days I took to reorganize EchoRinse’s operations (20% ahead of schedule and 10% under budget), I had to find creative solutions to such problems as our lack of office space. Working from my home and even occasionally from my car, I not only set up our Indiana branch but also used company resources to ensure we’d have 7.3M$ contracts from clients such as Whaley Motors from day one.

What a difference. We now know what he did (found office space and negotiated contracts) which justifies his working out of his car. We also have hard numbers, which not only PROVE how big of an accomplishment this is but also make it seem EVEN MORE impressive. Finally, he uses simple language so we understand EXACTLY what is happening. With these quick changes, this accomplishment has gone from puzzling to perfect.

So remember:

Find the accomplishment behind the story.
Use numbers to back up your claims.
Use direct language.
Avoid using jargon to cover up a lack of clear information.

JonFrank

QUICK TIPS TO A BETTER STORY

When you’re writing an essay, proper structure is essential. Like the foundation of a high-rise building, your story’s structure is what keeps all of your content organized and in place, supporting it for maximum impact. That’s why we’re here with this refresher’s guide to basic story structure.

Whether you’re retelling a heartbreaking failure, an inspiring story of leadership, or the origins of your long-term goals, the secret to a great essay is storytelling. If you can hook the reader with a good story and back it up with impressive facts, you’ll have knocked the essay portion of your application out of the park. It’s harder than it looks, but with these quick tips, you’ll be well on your way to attention grabbing stories:

Hook ‘em from the start: Your first line should be your BEST line – hook the reader with an attention-grabbing introduction and he’s guaranteed to keep reading. Your first line can be funny, surprising, impressive, or all of the above – just don’t make it boring.
Introduce the problem: Once you’ve written your first line, it’s time to introduce the topic of your essay proper. The reader should know EXACTLY what your essay is about by your third or fourth sentence. Wait any longer and you risk confusing the reader…and totally losing them.
Show us your thought process: In addition to describing physical events, describe how those events made you FEEL. Imagine describing a stressful presentation: you not only need to describe the crowd, the room temperature and the bright lights, but also how those things made you FEEL. Writing about how you felt during a situation will allow your readers to relate to the situation, providing them with insight into your thought process.
Don’t make it too easy: No one likes Superman because everyone KNOWS that he’s going to win – he’s Superman! So instead of portraying yourself as an academic or corporate badass, show us YOUR STRUGGLES. A story is far more relatable if we see the protagonist’s efforts to resolve the conflict rather than seeing him solve the problem without breaking a sweat. Imagine James Cameron’s Titanic if the captain just gingerly avoided the iceberg – not much of a movie, is it?
Bring it full circle: Tie your conclusion to your introduction. This will remind the reader of your AWESOME intro AND sum up the points you made throughout your essay.
So remember:

Hook ‘em from the start.
Introduce the problem.
Show us your thought process.
Don’t make it too easy.
Bring it full circle.

JonFrank

Breaking down common essay topics  

1. What event or life experience has had the greatest influence in shaping your character and why? OR What matters most to you and why?

A variation on this question aims to find out about the writer’s background and character. The key here is to be honest (as a contrived story will ring false) while still sticking to a topic in sync with your application. The goal here is to present your QUALITIES rather than specific accomplishments, so build your essay around stories that SHOW us these qualities.

2. What have you learned from a mistake? OR Describe a failure that you have experienced.

The key here is NOT to sugarcoat your mistake or failure. Be honest and show us a story where you fell flat on your face… and then show us what you learned from it. A spectacular failure is fine as long as you demonstrate that it led to personal and professional growth – you can even conclude with a small anecdote highlighting how it led to success down the line.

3. What are your career aspirations? What are your short- and long-term goals?

Practically every school will ask a variation on this question, but the devil is in the details. CAREER ASPIRATIONS excludes your immediate academic plans whereas SHORT- and LONG-TERM goals can overlap with your time in school. Tailor your message to what’s being asked: if the question includes the words short-term and long-term goals, then be sure to include them in your essay.

4. How will you contribute to our school?

The trick to answering this question is two-fold. First, this is a good place to note any extracurricular activities at your previous job/school including charity work, volunteering, and any other noteworthy activities. Second, tie those activities to clubs and opportunities available at the school you’re applying to. This second step requires research into your school, but by showcasing your previous accomplishments and knowledge of your future school, you’ll knock it out of the park.

5. Tell us about a time you displayed leadership OR teamwork.

This essay is built around a STORY demonstrating the quality in question. The most important thing here is to make sure your story FITS THE QUESTION. If you have a similar essay but it doesn’t QUITE work, discard it and think of something new. The #1 mistake when it comes to these questions is to answer the wrong question, choose the wrong story, or make some other essay from some other school “fit” into this space.

JonFrank

Writing with confidence isn’t about bragging or boasting
Applying to your dream school is like a first date – you want to appear confident, interesting and impressive; not needy, nervous and unprepared. Yet far too many college applicants do little to impress the school, instead asking or even begging for a spot – and that just won’t work.



Writing with confidence isn’t about bragging or boasting – it’s about proper research and presentation. If you don’t even know WHY you’re applying to a specific school, how can you project confidence? Likewise, if you’re not certain about what the school WANTS, it’s hard to showcase yourself in the best light possible. You can’t fake it; the best way to look ready is to BE READY.



Don’t worry, though; here are three quick tips to project confidence in your writing from preparation to presentation:



Prove your statements. Making claims without backing them up is a surefire way to look unprepared – after all, anyone can say they’re “the perfect applicant for Gradford” without knowing what Gradford stands for. Do some additional research and SHOW the admissions committee that you’re a great fit by backing up your claims with examples. “I’m the perfect applicant for Gradford thanks to my experience in genetic-law, a Gradford strong-suit.”
Make them want YOU. Don’t spend time sucking up – your dream school ALREADY KNOWS that it’s great and telling them this is a waste of words. Instead, focus on what makes YOU a great candidate for the school. For example, instead of writing “I would be thrilled to attend a world-class school like Gradford with its world class business-ethics course…” go with something like “Having studied business ethics during my undergraduate degree and interned for several consulting-firms specializing in ethical business practices, I’m a prime candidate for Gradford’s business-ethics course…”
Write as if it’s going to happen. Rather than write in the conditional tense (If I was admitted to Gradford, I would…) write as if you KNOW you will be admitted to project certainty (Once I’m admitted to Gradford, I will…) This applies to ALL short- and long-term goals. By stating that you have a plan and will accomplish it, you’ll demonstrate a will to accomplish your goals, whether the school wants you or not.

JonFrank

STANFORD GSB MBA ESSAY2 TIPS
Essay 2: Enlighten us on how earning your MBA at Stanford will enable you to realize your ambitions.A strong response to this essay question will:

Explain your decision to pursue graduate education in management.
Explain the distinctive opportunities you will pursue at Stanford.

Same deal, gonna borrow some KEY words from Stanford. Your decision. Distinctive opportunities. Stanford.

This is what I want to do—and here is why YOU should be excited about it. (This doesn’t require a ton of backstory or setup—some setup, yes—you need our buy-in. If your idea is uninspired, guess what, so too are “you.” Sell it. Give us just enough background and then in simple terms, walk us through your aspirations. With surgical efficiency.)
I’m confident I’m gonna succeed because I’m good at it, I know what it takes to succeed, and I frickin LOVE the thing to death. Lemme show you what I mean, this is how it’s all gonna look, step by step. Notice how each step as I’ve laid it out SNAPS into place perfectly. I understand the logic behind all of it because I “get” it, I “get” my vision, only people who get it so keenly are likely to succeed.
This confidence comes from careful consideration of how it’s all gonna go down, which has led me to recognize the importance of not just why an MBA is key, but why Stanford in particular supports my vision the BEST—I am, in effect, turning down Harvard, Wharton, Booth, etc., you name it, because none of these places can do XX YY and ZZ to catapult me toward my vision like Stanford can.
That’s the essay. In a nutshell. That’s what we call “the subtext.” Underneath the actual stuff you write, this should be communicated.

In order to NAIL this essay, you must understand Stanford and what they’re all about. This may take some research on your end, and this is what Stanford is hoping—that after a TON of research, you have determined that THIS place, unlike any other, is your best fit. Articulate THAT not just when you address the “why Stanford” piece, but even as you articulate your goal. The folks who get into Stanford demonstrate a synergy with the school in every fiber of their application. It’s gotta come through everywhere. Evvvvverywhere.

But so, after you’ve walked us through points 1 and 2 above, let’s dig in a bit to point 3.

How to understand Stanford well enough to approach this? Spend time on the website. Read about the school elsewhere—articles, anything written by current or former students. Talk to former students. Talk to current students. Visit the campus. Los of ways to engage—where there’s a will, there’s a way. Read stuff by current or former professors. Notice the trends of what kinds of professors came from Stanford. Notice what kinds of companies were started at Stanford. Get a sense.

Now, whatever you do, please don’t think that there is a magical phrase or a set of classes you can name drop that will trigger a successful outcome. The demonstration of “fit” here is a wildly organic one. It’s in between the lines, never the lines themselves. Stanford’s assets have to match YOU in a way that won’t necessarily apply to the guy sitting next to you. This is the whole point about “individuality” and “uniqueness.” Stanford is curious to see how aspects of its program and culture uniquely affect your appetite for an MBA, or for your career goals. It’s not “mentioning a class,” folks. Or “a club.” Or “a professor’s name.” It’s much much much more than that.

It’s an argument.

An argument that PROVES connectivity. Proves that there is something about Stanford that not even a place like Harvard or LBS or Wharton or Top School X can quite satisfy in the same way. That’s a great conceit to adopt here. You have a free ride to HBS. Why would you PAY to go to Stanford instead? Convince me, as though I’m your spouse, why this is not an insane decision. A great essay here can be between 400-500 words, no need for it to live outside that range.

JonFrank

Essay structure is what keeps all of your content organized and in place:
who’s the best fit for their program. Now, just because two candidates are coming in with undergrad business degrees and three years of business experience doesn’t mean that you can compare them directly and get a good sense of how they match up. Undergraduate degrees are not created equal (a BA from Harvard and a BA from Hicksville College are NOT the same thing), and even comparing two different people’s “business” experiences can be tricky, depending on what kind of business they were in and what amount and type of leadership experience they gained.

So, what else can an adcom look at to try and compare candidates “side-by-side?” The simple answer is the GMAT. The GMAT is the equalizer, a single test that EVERY MBA applicant can prepare for and take, making it the “fairest” way to take Candidate A and compare him to Candidate B. Now, is the GMAT a perfect way of showing how much you know about management? Of course not. Some (like the guys over there trying to get you to take the GRE) might even say it doesn’t prove anything about someone’s ability to manage. But it doesn’t matter – at the end of the day, if you want to get into business school, you gotta take the GMAT.

Which brings us back to the question: how important is your GMAT score in the application process? Short answer: pretty damn important. The GMAT is kind of like the “first impression” the adcom gets of you before reading your essays, resume, etc. And you know what they say about first impressions… you only get one.

Sure, a low GMAT score can be explained with an essay… because almost ANYTHING can be fixed with a great essay. But, the GMAT is way more important than your undergrad GPA. It really shows the adcom that you’ve got what it takes to handle the workload coming your way in b-school. That you’ve got the chops to take on all that quant work, etc.

So what does that mean for you? Well, if you’ve already taken it and are finding that your score doesn’t measure up to the schools you’d like to apply to, do some test prep (study guides, practice tests, formal prep classes) and retake it. Don’t let one bad day of test taking limit your chances of getting into the best b-school you can. We know TONS of people who have taken the test 2, 3 even 6 times! So give yourself another shot to do better. Besides all that extra time lost to studying (again), you have nothing to lose.

And if you don’t have time to re-take it? Should you forge ahead anyway and apply to a school if your GMAT is lower than their minimum or average? Of course. The GMAT isn’t the end-all, be-all, friends. If there are OTHER parts of your app that are fantastic (great work experience, compelling essays, amazing recommendations, etc) that will make the adcom forget about that GMAT score for a minute, well, that can be a very good thing.

Hope that helps.
Good luck out there,

– Jon Frank

JonFrank

Use your into to grab attention and set up your story

An essay opener needs to check a few boxes: is it surprising and clever enough to grab the reader’s attention? Does it hint at the content in the essay and you want to read on? Does it set the stage for the STORY the applicant is trying to tell?

After drilling the writer with some hard-hitting questions, here’s what his revised opener looks like:

75 stories above the ground in my corner office, I realized my decisions would change the world. The feeling was indescribable: we rarely think of data analysis as glamorous but looking around I thought that from the planes in the sky to the roads on the ground, everything relied on data.

Here’s why this works: describing the setting and the writer’s feelings gave this story drama. “33 stories above the ground” lets us PICTURE this in our mind and his “realization that his decisions would change the world” makes us want to read on to find out why. Then he ties it all together by introducing the connection between the imagery (sitting on top of the city) with what he does (data analysis). With just a few simple changes, this intro’s gone from a non-starter to a great way to introduce this candidate’s goals and, even more importantly, his story.

So remember:
•Attention grabbing.
•Hints at the content making the reader want to continue.
•Sets the stage for the applicant’s story.

JonFrank

Be specific about what makes you unique

This is a question at the core of every great application: What makes you a unique and interesting person? What special qualities will you bring to this school and what separates you from the pack?

For applicants who’ve grown up in more conservative societies where conformity is prized over originality, this can be a challenge; we’ve had several applicants who’ve answered “cooking and sports” when asked for activities that separated them from the pack! Well, unless you’re cooking wild boar and going bungee jumping, that answer won’t cut it!

Don’t worry, though; here are three quick tips on how to showcase your own unique, personal qualities:

Think of something only YOU enjoy in your peer group: poetry, interior decoration, painting, theater, a pet cause, activism. What’s the one weird thing YOU enjoy that your friends just don’t understand? Maybe you collect a lot of comic books, maybe it’s something more traditional that isn’t cool anymore like knitting. Whatever that strange little quirk is – THAT is what makes you unique.
Be SPECIFIC and SHOW us examples. Anyone can CLAIM they have qualities but the UNIQUENESS is in the details. Don’t just say that you’re “laid back and attentive” because ANYONE can say that. Instead, say you’re a “laid back and attentive girl who loves to knit sweaters.” THEN connect those qualities to the activity – it’s relaxing, you get to spend time alone with your thoughts and it allows you to make gifts for friends. By backing up all of your qualities with examples and activities, you’ll SHOW the admissions committee how special you are.
CONNECT it to the rest of your essay. Take our last knitting example – those special and unique qualities (calm, attentive) make our applicant the PERFECT candidate for a position as a financial analyst who’ll need to go over a lot of data. You can do this by showing us what your special activity has taught you. Something like “Knitting taught me patience and discipline, it can take me a year to finish a blanket so the long nights I spent going over the Greenberg account at Capital Banking was a piece of cake in comparison.”
So remember:

-          Think of something only YOU enjoy. Something that ISN’T popular.

-          Be specific and show us EXAMPLES of how it’s important to YOU.

-          Connect it to your career and show us how these special qualities make you who you are.