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黑色：原文 红色：修改说明 绿色：段落举例 发现。。改比写累。。。我24号考，互祝好运~ The lecture states that recent discoveries cast doubt on the behaviors which were considered to be altruism before. It talks about the meerkat as an example to contradict the points mentioned in the reading. In this paragraph, you were not show the relationship between the lecture and reading. In addition, you showed a part, not completed, of details. That makes you passage not easy to understand. You can re-write your first paragraph by referring following sample. The lecture that talks about altruism cast doubt on the reading. According to the lecture, there is not real altruism. However, the reading says the altruism abandons between human beings and animals, which is contrary to the lecture. The professor in the lecture uses two standpoints to object the reading.
The meerkats, often seeking food as a group, send one of the members to stand guard. According to the reading, the sentinel meerkat guards the group without gain any food, while the lecture declares that it actually has eaten meal before doing so. What's more, as the sentinel meerkat is supposed to alarm the group in case of the approaching of predators, it seems to undertake more risks, like fleeing alone without defending to danger with the group. However, the speaker said that the sentinel is more likely to escape successfully because it is the first one to see the predator. Besides, the single sentinel meerkat may capture less attention than the fleeing group, and thus has more opportunity to escape. It’s not a big problem in this paragraph; however, there’re still problems of the logic. Instead of showing the points of reading and lecture accompany, it’s much better to show the lecture point first, and then show the reading point. You can change your logic structure by referring following sample. The first point that the lecture made is that animals don’t have altruism. According to professor’s lecture, the sentinel meerkat actually has had meal before they stand. What’s more, when the predators come, the sentinel is more likely to escape successfully, because it is the first one to see the predator and the single sentinel meerkat may capture less attention than the fleeing group. In contrary, the reading says that the sentinel meerkat guards the group without gain any food and it's in much more dangerous, on which the lecture cast doubt. The lecture holds this point to contradict the reading’s idea that animals have altruism.
The lecture also mentions human behavior as another example. A person who donates his/her kidney is conventionally regarded as altruistic, which means the person can hardly gain anything. Yet he/she may receive some non concrete rewards such as admiration, approval and even more self-worth. These factors might be valued by him/ her. Therefore, the opinion in the reading is somewhat inaccurate. It’s similar to the second paragraph.
You can also put a paragraph t sum the ideas. Read the following sample please. In conclusion, the points made by the lecture refuse the reading’s idea. The point that neither animals nor human beings have altruism cast doubt on the reading’s point that altruism abandons.
[此贴子已经被作者于2008-2-14 0:22:28编辑过] | 
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发表于 2008-2-13 11:13:00
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