跪求作文批改~

anxi

 

5.         A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
     

It is announced that a large factory is wished to be built near my commuity.  Some people enthusiastically maintain that it would bring severe pollution and they oppose this announcement . Others who agree with this announce argues that this may bring lots of  benefit. Based on my expertise and experience ,the merits the factory may bring will beat the drawback.

 

 

 

 

 

We have to admit that the factory may inevitably bring some environmental problems.It may send out sick gas into the primarily fresh air.Moreover it may send out polluted water into the river.And it may pollute the soil too.

 

 

 

 

 

Howerer,there are more benefits the factory may bring.For one thing,it offers lots of jobs for the local people.This may reduce the rate of unemployment to a extent . Thanks to this factory,lots of people who lost their jobs and simply play cards to live through would have something to do and can support their family as well.Income can be improved in many families.

 

 

 

 

 

Moreover, the local gorvenment may also benefit from the factory  because they can get extra tax from the factory to support the fund.In this way,more money can be used to support our local education, hospital and the traffic facilities. So we can benefit from the factory.

 

 

 

 

 

The last but not the least,the factory may intrigue development of other industries.More shops ,supermarkets, restaurants and hotels may be built around the factory.Then it will bring more and more tax for the gorvenment and benefits us in the end.

 

 

 

 

 

In short,although the factory may bring us some pollution,the benefit it brings us has overcome it.And we can also use the money it brings us to deal with the environmental problem.So I approve this announcement and I believe this factory may not only benefit the local gorvenment but also the citizens in our community.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-25 19:51:27编辑过]

jose

恩..建议报个班..

watershed

不行

德克的猪

唉,你要走的路还长.

先在写作去看一看我给别人的修改和在iBT区的写作的帖子

yumihooo

说一句可能不太合适的话……男儿膝下有黄金……

zouxianghui

长度不够,词汇一般.不过练一练应该能不错的,因为你的COHERENCE还行

anxi

谢谢各位的拍砖,去看了一下德克的批改和几篇帖子,做了些修改,加了些句子,替换了一些词汇,但愿现在值得一改了吧?

我是前几天才刚刚掐着半个小时写的,之前零零散散写过几篇都没有限时,而且都是在纸上写的.现在才发现自己半个小时要写出一篇像样的文章似乎有点难.7月28号就考了,不知道怎么办?

As no doubt,industry,since its birth on the Industry Revolution,has changed everone’s life a great deal.And now,this influence will become more tangible to our neighbourhood if a factory is to be built nearby.This plan of setting up a factory ,however,is not a simply one for a multiple of people hold different ideas of building it or not. Some people enthusiastically maintain that it would bring severe pollution and they oppose this announcement . Others who support this announcement argue that this may bring lots of  benefit. Based on my expertise and experience ,the merits the factory may bring will beat the drawback.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Initially,it offers multiple of jobs for the local people.The construction of the factory requires a great deal of labor .And the operation  of the factory needs mass of workers as well.This may ,to a certain  extent ,dramatically reduce the rate of  unemployment. Thanks to this factory, considerable people who lost their jobs and simply play cards to live through would have something to do and can support their family as well.Income can be improved in many families.

 

 

 

Moreover, the local gorvenment may also benefit from the factory  because they can get extra tax from the factory to support the fund.In this way,more money can be used to uphold  our local education, hospital and the traffic facilities.

 

 

 

The last but not the least,the factory may intrigue development of other industries. More shops ,supermarkets, restaurants and hotels may be established around the factory.Then it will bring more and more tax for the government and benefits us ultimately.

 

 

 

Some people argue  that the factory may inevitably bring some environmental problems.They point out that the factory may send out sick gas into the primarily fresh air and  polluted water into the river.And it may dump waste material into our community as well. They claimed that the accumulation of pollution will,definitely, place a serious damage to our community  environment ,and our health may be seriously affected eventually . However,by hiring environmental expert and apply high technology ,  pollution can be controlled and even resolved.

 

 

 

In short,although the factory may bring us some pollution,the benefit it brings us has overcome it.And we can also use the money it brings us to deal with the environmental problem.So I approve this announcement and I believe this factory may not only benefit the local gorvenment but also the citizens in our community.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-26 10:53:37编辑过]

德克的猪

理由不在于多，而在于well developed

就是说，文中的理由，你不是仅仅的把它提出来就可以了

你还需要说：你提出的理由为什么是一个优点，你提出的理由如何起到正面作用

你的论点虽然多，但是没有well developed.从每段的长度就可以看出

anxi

我把两段合并了一下,现在呢?

As no doubt,industry,since its birth on the Industry Revolution,has changed everone’s life a great deal.And now,this influence will become more tangible to our neighbourhood if a factory is to be built nearby.This plan of setting up a factory ,however,is not a simply one for a multiple of people hold different ideas of building it or not. Some people enthusiastically maintain that it would bring severe pollution and they oppose this announcement . Others who support this announcement argue that this may bring lots of  benefit. Based on my expertise and experience ,the merits the factory may bring will beat the drawback.

 

 

 

 

Initially,it offers multiple of jobs for the local people.The construction of the factory requires a great deal of labor .And the operation  of the factory needs mass of workers as well.This may ,to a certain  extent ,dramatically reduce the rate of  unemployment. Thanks to this factory, considerable people who lost their jobs and simply play cards to live through would have something to do and can support their family as well.Income can be improved in many families.

 

 

Moreover,The setup of  the factory may help increase our community economy. The factory may intrigue development of other industries. More shops ,supermarkets, restaurants and hotels may be established around the factory.More tax  ,invariably  ,can be received to support  our gorvenment fund. More money can, consequently,be used to uphold  our local education, hospital and the traffic facilities. Ultimately,our life would be,as no doubt,more comfortable and easeful.

 

 

 

 

Some people argue  that the factory may inevitably bring some environmental problems.They point out that the factory may send out sick gas into the primarily fresh air and  polluted water into the river.And it may dump waste material into our community as well. They claimed that the accumulation of pollution will,definitely, place a serious damage to our community  environment ,and our health may be seriously affected eventually . However,by hiring environmental expert and apply high technology ,  pollution can be controlled and even resolved.

 

 

In short,although the factory may bring us some pollution,the benefit it brings us has overcome it.And we can also use the money it brings us to deal with the environmental problem.So I approve this announcement and I believe this factory may not only benefit the local gorvenment but also the citizens in our community.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-26 11:59:42编辑过]

jose

保留意见..如果有时间..报个班吧..