德克的猪的修改集合

zdlukeluck

Whether the duty of a teacher is to help students gain self-confidence or teach specific knowledge seems to raise a lot of disagreements(其实你后面的一直都是写得不错的,但是开头模版的味道却太重了,这样会影响你的分数哟.其实后面的内容是可以用模版的,你没得不明显,或者没有用.前面的内容最好不用模版,但是你却用得比较明显.具体的开头段的写法我已经在上一篇的修改中说明,如果你信得过我,可以尝试一下.或者来一个场景的描写. ). Someone(One) may hold the view that holding(possessing,这里不要用hold,和前面的重复了) a bundle of knowledge is more important than being confidence(confident). However, from my perspective, I would prefer to choose the former one, since solid(tangible也是一个不错的选择,看你的喜好了,似乎tangible语气来的更好) evidence as follows can demonstrate my view.
   

     The principle(cardinal purpose,基本目的,这个概念在这里似乎更好) of education is, indubitably(无庸置疑的), to teach students how to become a useful person, who should have the essential(indispensable不可或缺的) characteristic-(多用”-”号)confidence. Turning around the book of history, we can see the fact that self-confidence lays in the heart of any(every) successful person. Learning from(In the light of, 还是再次建议你把我的那个词汇替换背了,工作量很小的) the motto of 'the soldier who doesn't(does not还是需要再提醒一次:不要用缩写) want to be the captain will not(is not) be a good soldier', we have seen the deep determination and confidence which might be the impetus for the emperor to overcome all the obstacles(用overcome最好接difficulties,但是介于obstacle是一个很好的词,而且老外常常用,所以这里可以用wipe out代替overcome). Even though put into the prison or threatened, the(似乎应该不用the) Mandela, the former president of South Africa, devote(时态!) his whole(entire) life into the antislavery(这个我不清楚,但是antislavery可以反奴隶制哟) movement, because he held such a confidence that black people should and will have the opportunities to get equal treatment as the white ones. (你用这个来论证老师应该帮学生建立信心似乎不合适哟,整段的论述都比较的乱,而且论证不充分.)

   

(这个时候想想孔子吧,你就在文章里边写:教育的宗师,伟大的思想家孔子说,教育的本身不是单一的给学生知识,更是教学生要自信: Confucius, the widely acclaimed preeminent ancient educator and thinker, had demonstrated his theory about the quintessence of education which I believe in unshakably-real education is higher-not simply equipping the students with knowledge but teaching them how to be confident in their own capabilities for the simple reason that no confidence no success. 正面东西只要想不出例子,就往孔子身上加)
   

Furthermore, a good teacher should direct the students to a bright future by nourish them with teaching self-confidence rather than putting in the knowledge simply(写得不错,如果要表达出更丰富的感情的话,不妨用merely代替simply). For instance(To give a demonstration), the mother of Forrest Gump is(was) such a good teacher that her son has(had) got great success even though anyone around the world prejudiced him. Since little Forrest was young, his mother has told him that no matter what others think of you, you must always(invariably) have confidence on your own. Holding such a belief which mother told, Forrest live(lived) a happy life under such a world.(阿甘的例子似乎不太有说服力,而且给人的感觉是你重复前面的东西,而且你又忘记了和teacher扯上联系.)

(你可以这样说:知识是可以自己学的,不用老师也可以学好,但是自信在很大的程度上是自己培养不了的,所以老师有责任帮学生树立信心.当你写不出东西的时候,你就想想A观点成立需要的条件和B观点成立需要的条件.当你找到成立条件的不同是,不同的点往往就是可以用在写作中的点.Every normal human, actually, is born with the fundamental capacity of self-study which indicates that teachers are not so indispensable in the processes of acquiring knowledge. However, in terms of confidence, it is the other way around. Confidence, to a certain extent, is not gifted but developed in the postnatal<出生后的> days, hence the paramount importance of teachers’ help in one’s confidence cultivation.然后你就可以论述了)
   

   Though school life may build a foundation of our knowledge structure, a good character can accompany us forever. Just one(a simple) question,( how much you can recall what you have learned during elementary school, middle school or even college?  I think most people will involve into a deep recall(recapture) or even doubt whether they have learned. As a famous educationist says, the most important function of college is to build up a confident person, and if we still (tenaciously固执地,希望你用副词来表达自己的情感,这样文章才是活的) put high emphasize on the study of limited study(academic accomplishments, 怎么可以在一个句子中出现3次study呢?), it is not our primary goal to produce just a studying machine.
   

   All mentioned above come to the very point that self-confidence is a such important thing. (结尾可以再丰满一点,不过时间不够的话就算了)

(希望你再看看我在上一次批改中给你的那些要点,还有就是我总结的那个词汇希望你背了-你会发现很多常用的低级词汇都可以在那里边找到高级的替换.你会发现我改动了很多你用的单词,你的用词现在有三个主要的毛病:一是重复太多,不符合ETS的词汇多样性的要求;二是你几乎不用副词,这是一个很大的毛病,因为你如果不用副词的,很多地方的表达就会不那么的生动,建议你在用形容词和动词时想想可以不可以用一个形容词来是你的表达更生动.比如”不动”的英文是immobile,那么一动不动呢?就是perfectly immobile. 或者”小”这个概念是small, 如果你写pathetically small就是小的可怜,同时也有了主观的感情色彩;三是插入语的使用,比如to a certain extent, to some degree, of course, I believe这类的插入语要多用,这样可以舒缓表达的语气,同时使句子看起来更舒服,我给你写的两段英文中就运用了这类的插入语.

同时,我给你改动的单词都不是乱改的,那些改动都是有目的,如whole改为entire,其实意思几乎都是一样,但是entire更强调整体,更适合于你的语境.

最后还是要强调把我的那个替换词汇拿来用,快速提升词汇水平)

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-29 18:11:35编辑过]

zdlukeluck

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes（稍微夸张了点）
                on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week?(终于有人犯这个错误了。其实也不算是错误，不过要注意：排比是可以用的，但是用的话最好就用比较有水平的，不然给人的感觉就会不伦不类。同时要提醒的是：排比不一定就是have you...have you...这样很工整的结构，一些较为散的结构实际上也可以构成排比:One thing will provide you with a part-time job which never toils you to death but offer a considerable salary, sounds good? You can also make yourself content via spending some time in it and leave no time for boredom. Appealing? To such attractions, another must be added-it invariably supplies you with adequate material for leisure time chats. Wow, fabulous! Then, what is it-A movie theater.我觉得我这个也一般，只是稍微升了一下级。当然，ETS大概也不会太苛刻，我这里只是建议不要用排比.) If you had never had these experiences, you would never know how much a movie theater near your home could give(offer) you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet（这个还是太夸张了，不过可以说：I would be the first person to cheer if a movie theater were to be built in our neighborhood） if a movie theater is erected(感动呀，终于有人用我的替换表里边的词汇了，LZ是不是从我的那个表里边看到erect这个词的？erect可是很好的用法) near my home.

(很好很好，没有用模版！模版作文我没有兴趣改。值得鼓励!开头有具体的东西，很好，只是还需要一些加工。)

（这里直接就接理由，太突兀了。可以先说：For one thing，）The movie theater provides various(various强调的是different types,在这里不合适，换成considerable，可观的，似乎比较好） employment opportunities, such as（such as这个词被用得太多，这里用say，<say后面要有逗号>代替such as，这是很多中国学生都不会用的,但是很地道） a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the(those) joblessness who are(live) close to(around) the movie theater. It is a strong(potent这个单词可以很好的表达你的意思:effective and powerful) measure to tackle(用得好!这里还可以用cope with) unemployment (in our neighborhood,限定是要加的,这样才使文章严谨). Working in a place adjacent(好好好,没有重复!) to your home can both save time and transportation fee(expense开销,fee的意思是:a sum of money that you pay to be allowed to do something,这里不合适).
                

If you have already had a fantastic(语气稍微过了点,用ideal吧) job and you are affluent(完全感动了,affluent,多好的词呀!后面加个enough, you are affluent enough), the movie theater will be crucial(crucial的确是important的意思,但是crucial是比较严肃的那种词汇,这里用可以表达到你的意思,但是过于严重了点.要用important也可以,你就写:XXX plays a important role in XXX) to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority(这个词在这里又用得不合适,用most吧) of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat(形容猪可以用fat,但千万不要用fat形容人,因为fat是有一种鄙视和贬义的,overweighed是个不错的选择,过重的,而不是肥猪一般的.你说话的时候也要注意,不要用fat,除非那个人你很讨厌). In view of(高级一点的替换:In the light of,鉴于…) the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days(这个也太牵强了.). One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably(invariably表示“总是”这个概念是很好的，但是表示每天，不间断，这里就用every day) during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished(amazing or astonishing) that he had almost lost 10kg(其实你说kg美国人不一定清楚是多少，以后作文中距离用miles，重量用lbs，表现出你美国化) without any （加个形容词formidable令人生畏的，来反面衬托movie theater的好处）weight-losing diet.（不一定所有的reasons都要例子来支持，例子如果太牵强，就不要举，比如这段的这个）
                    

It is indisputable that currently（好好好，没有用nowadays） an increasing number of people are beginning(这里表达不是很好，可以改为:are gradually accustomed to，渐渐的习惯与) to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage（merits）. Unfortunately, you (simultaneously) will never(lose the chance to) experience the (这里可以用fantastic来修饰了，记住：你要说一个东西好的时候，要用修饰来表明它的好，sound effect不一定是好的，但是fantastic sound effect就是很吸引人的了) sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror（horrible） movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast(Quite the reverse,恰恰相反的是), my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal（我个人认为在家看更恐怖。）. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions（这句话的表意我不清楚）.

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater （to be built）being built in my neighborhood.

（结尾还可以多写点，如果时间不够，就算了）
                

不错，终于看到一个摆脱模版束缚的文章了。
                    

至少是不落窠臼。
                    

用词不错，达到了多样性的要求，但是还是比较的欠缺准确性，有的地方用的不合适。有空的时候多查查词典。
                    

LZ 写长难句容易出错或者表意不清楚，需要多练习。NCE3和NCE4是我强烈推荐的。
                    

这里就是这些了，
                    

当然还要推荐我的writing tips和我给别人的修改，看看会有帮助

zdlukeluck

Nowadays (nowadays已经是很过时的用法了,建议使用Currently或者at present), many (这些小的地方也是可以注意改动的many可以换成a multitude of) university students have been granted the right to(这里使用错误,应该是the right is granted to students, 这是很正式的用法) choose at least part of their classes(这里用courses表达课程,应该会更准确); this is a beneficial transformation for both the professor (professors) and the students. On professors’ the part, this new system urge them to improve their quality of teaching or they will (be) out of business in that (for the simple reason that) no students will choose the class he\she(s/he) taught(gives). On students’ part(to those students, 尽量避免重复), they can choose classes(course) according to their interests, personal learning ability (capability更好,因为所有人都用ability), and career plan (plans). Nevertheless, this system also poses (这里可以用trigger a problem, 这是引发的比较地道的说法,是可以显示出写作水平的词汇) another worrying(perturbing更好) problem that students might only choose pushover  (楼主在这里用了俚语,用俚语需要慎重, effortless应该更好) classes and dodge(这里用shun更好,因为shun可以更准确的表现出有意的躲闪,而dodge的意思和楼主要表达的意思实际上不一致的) the high-demanding ones. Should grade rather than knowledge they will gain at the end of the semester be the top concern(take the priority) when students decide which classes(courses) to take? I as far as I am concerned, the answer to the above question(questions) is “no, it shouldn’t”. (it指代的什么??)

                

Admittedly(这是用烂的词,这里可以用indubitably无庸置疑替代), grades are of vital importance(vital和importance概念有重复,这里可以用indispensable替代) to every student, given the daunting(这里用的并不太好,可以用formidable替换,也可以用fierce,激烈) competitions faced by today’s college students(这句话很不通顺,建议后面的条件提前). With the ever(用invariably)-increasing tuitions, the(不用the) top grades can(最好避免用can,这里可以替换为might)
            ,to a certain extent, secure(guarantee)
            an individual’s chance to get(receive) a scholarship, which will greatly relive(lighten和burden对应) student’s financial burden and allow he\she(s/he) to devote more time to pursue academic excellence instead of taking part-time jobs. Moreover, if a student is intended to apply to a graduate school after getting his\her bachelor’s degree, a record of good grades is invariable a must to get admitted by a prestigious grads school. The usefulness of a record of presentable grades will not be any less when the newly graduate try to land a well-paid job with a multinational corporation. All the above cases, with no exception, demonstrate the necessity to keep top grades, which seem to justify the facts that the bulk of the students stay away from the classes, in which to get the top grades looks missions impossible. (这部分真是写得让我无法下笔修改,所有我进行的重写: To such concerns, another one must be added. Academic report invariably plays a cardinal role in job seeking. Let us suppose that, a young man who has just graduated from university with a pathetically low grade attempts to be employed by a big company. Unfortunately, he has to face those who are excellent in their study and have received amazingly highly comments on their academic accomplishments from professors. Undoubtedly, he will inevitably experience the frustration resulted from the failure of job seeking. One with a low grade is really fragile in the fierce, or to be more accurate, brutal competition in modern society.)

                

While the incentives to keep a good GPA are understandable and acceptable, top grade is definitely not the sole(unique) goal, which we strive(终于看到一个出色的用词了) to achieve in our university years(in the duration of our university time). The knowledge and skills we acquired through the classes, especially those challenging ones, will benefit us in the long run. A challenging class is an adversity; however, we should not fail to realize that we are likely to reap more from a class which is no pushover (Such courses are, to some degree, difficult to cope with. As a matter of fact, it is adverse circumstance that stimulates us to improve our capacity and develop those astonishing potential), (Just) as Henry Ford put it, “in every adversity, there is a chance to grow”.

For example(要想得高分,就最好不要用for example或者for instance), the statistics has always been ranked number one on the charts of
        “must avoided optional classes”(the must-avoid optional classes外国人一般这样用) in my department, which is prepared students to become tomorrow journalists(这句话比较难理解,但是has always been后面一般接进行时). Though mathematics had never been easy for me, I chose statistics in my sophomore year anyway for I knew that statistics could be an indispensable tool in analyzing raw data. I was forced to cut back my other social activities and attended after-class study group during that semester since I had a hard(tough) time to figure out what was taught in my statistics class. Despite all my hard working(In spite of all the endeavor I have made), I only got a B in the end. However, in retrospect, my decision to take statistics was nothing but right for the statistics had proved to be very useful in my daily work as a journalist. (勉勉强强的一段,语法错误较少.但是nothing but在这里用似乎语气不对.) 

                

In sum, while there are legitimate reasons for those who take a less demanding class to ensure a good grade, we shouldn’t have such a myopic focus since challenging class are proved to be more useful in the long run(不要重复,in the coming days) and we need something challenging to make our university years more interesting and unforgettable. (结尾也比较一般)

这是一篇有很多问题的文章.

1.       论述不清楚.作者想说有些困难的学科也要学,但是却用了大量的篇幅写了些表意不清晰的话.

2.       作者的语法基础不好,有很多不应该出现的错误.

3.       用词的重复很严重.

4.       作者尝试用高级的句型,但是往往出错.

5.       作者连模版都没有学习应用好.

6.       作者多次出现用词不准确,很显然,文章中的词汇是查的低级的字典,而非出自作者的大脑
            

7.       拖沓,语言缺乏力度.

改进的办法
            

1.       如果作者在近期要考TOEFL的话,那应该赶快去背TWE185.作者的作文水平在3分上下.

2.       如果作者还有比较多的时间来准备考试,那应该准备新概念3和4.新概念的文章很好,作者最好可以背下来.

3.       作者的语法错误比较大,最好自学一下语法.

我的语言比较直率,但是也是为楼主好.

You’ve got a long way to go

zdlukeluck

Do you agree or disagree with the statement: You (students) Should Take the Most Difficult Classes in Colleague or at University, even if you cannot get top grades in them.

(一看就知道字数不够.对于刚刚接触iBT写作而基础又不好的同学,字数不够是个比较棘手的问题,所以这里给出3点容易做到的方法来凑字数:

1.字数不够,插入语凑.写作的时候多加插入语如:to some degree, to a certain extent, I believe, of course这类表示观点或者限制的插入语可经常使用,这样可以帮你多写个10-20词.

2.废话.这个是我不喜欢的,但是如果你字数不够,废话来凑.如:A multitude of people often regard A as the optimal choice. However, there are also some who uphold B unshakably.这个是典型的没有意义的话(但是我写的这个明显比一般的用词好一些,你写废话的时候也应该要写好,至少不要让人觉得讨厌),这样的废话来一两句就又是30多词了.

3.字数不够,短语来凑.如果有比较好的短语,就不要用单个的词.比如establish可以用set up替换;for example可以用to give a demonstration替换;in addition,可以用to such aspects/reasons, another must be added替换,经常进行这样的替换,又可以多个10词.

以上三点,都是比较容易做到的.如果做到,就可以多个将近50词,这样在一般的情况下就够了.)
                

（ATTENTION:然后就是观点:前几天看见一个人说他写作很好,考的时候写得也很有感觉,但是却只得了十几分,不知道为什么.Well,我想原因就是他没有搞清楚agree or disagree的写作方法.你必须选择一边支持,支持就要彻底,千万不可以说:A在特定的情况下很好,B在特定的情况下也很好,然后最后说A有A的好处,B有B的好处.这样保持中立的写作是不可以的.你必须选择一者来支持,然后用绝大部分的文字来支持它!千万不可以中立,或者说两个都好,不然你的独立写作就很有可能上不了3分!这篇文章很明显就是中立的!下面仅仅是表达上的修改,你文章的思路是完全错误的,对你句子的提升并不代表我赞成那个句子的含义.）
            

After entering a colleague or a university, choosing classes become(becomes) a very important(fairly crucial,写作时避免大家都用的词汇可以帮助你给阅卷人留下好的印象) problem students have to face. Different level of class(classes) can help students find a proper class for themselves and concentrate on study quickly. Whether it is a good idea to take the most difficult(以后见到difficult就可以用arduous替换) classes, I think it depends on one’s own qualities.(这种句子慎用,it depends on XXX就是根据情况来定,就有一种暗示A和B各有各的好处的味道,如果要用,后面一定要加however, from my perspective, XXX is the optimal choice for me)

On one hand(For one thing), taking the most difficult(用词重复了,这里可以用challenging替换,有挑战性的) classes could mean spending(making) more efforts and having(tolerating) heavier stress(intense stress,极端的高压). Students choose this class should have a good foundation of study and a strong perseverance(避免使用should这个单词,这里可以将句子改为:So demanding<要求很高的> are those classes that only a fraction<一小部分> of us who are equipped with those preeminent qualities, say, strong perseverance, outstanding foundation of knowledge, can tackle them.). A friend of mine chose a difficult(再次重复,这次可以用formidable代替,令人生畏的) class of one subject in university. She became thinner and exhausted when I saw her two months later. There is much homework on her desk(这里就可以来一个具体的描写了: Every day, she does nothing but frantically immerses herself into the hell of assignment and academic books which have covered her desk, utterly, with no space for even a cup of coffee.). She signed and told me that she tried her best but still couldn’t(在TOEFL写作中不要用缩写!) pass the exams of the subject. So(Consequently), if you are not able to bear(overcome) the difficulties, you’d better(最好不要用had better这种有说教味道的词汇) choose an easier class.

On the other hand(For another), taking the most difficult classes can have some advantages(避免出现advantages这种100个人中99个人都要用的词汇,这里可以说merits,意思和advantage几乎一样), like meeting most(most太绝对,不好,这里可以用a multitude of,表示很多) of the top students. Studying together with them enables(并不是不跟他们学习你就不能够学many things, enable是给某人能力的意思,这里好好体会,如果你这里用enable,就是表示你在和他们学习之前你没有学习的能力,这里enable的使用显然是不好的,最好用没有争议的:provides one with the opportunities) you to learn many things(to learn from them in many ways在很多的方面向他们学习) and improve yourself though you might not get the top(highest) grades. Firstly, you must be capable to adapt the difficult classes and pass the exams. Otherwise, you’ll get in trouble by yourself.(不要用缩写,这里再次提醒你)
                

(在你写的essay中多次出现了you这个概念,其实最好不要用you,因为这是中国人的思维-如果你怎么怎么样,就会怎么怎么样.我们认为用你是一种泛指,但是老外有的时候理解就会有困难,在很多他们写的文章中,都是用的one来表示人.这里的句子应该写成: If one attempts to choose himself/herself a challenging class, the premise is that s/he is capable to cope with difficulties and pass the exams, of course. )

Anyway, one should take responsibility for one’s choice. Taking difficult classes can be a challenge and an opportunity, but also can be an evil(邪恶这种词汇是不可以乱用的) and a strike for some people.

(读完文章,阅卷人根本不知道你是agree还是disagree,记住topic是问agree还是disagree, You have got to make a choice! 不可以不选而保持中立;问你which do you prefer的时候你也必须选一个!)
                

zdlukeluck

Recently, the issue of "whether boys and girls should or not be educated in separate classrooms using different teaching techniques" has been in the limelight（limelight是个不错的用法,但是正如我不厌其烦的重复的:开头最好不要重复主题）. The majority people(mainstream在这个更好) believe that boys and girls should be taught in separate classrooms using totally diverse teaching techniques while other people hold the opposite opinion, they think(最好不要出现think这样太常见的词汇,deem可以替换它) children should be educated in the same class; teachers don't(不要用缩写,简写) have to use different skills to teach them. (第一段的表达比较的初级,但是还是比较清楚的)

            

People who hold the former opinion insist that the remarkable differences between girls and boys should not be overlooked(不错不错,不过ignore似乎更好), thus both learning materials and way of teaching should be used separately in both genders. Nevertheless, people who hold the latter idea(这里出现了用词的重复,hold你用了两次,第二次可以改为espouse=agree with) think(believe) that a school is not just a studying place(a place merely for study) but a place(one) for communication, here(where) girls and boys can talk to each other and enjoy the team work together. As far as I am concerned, there is some validity(validity似乎太严重了点,这里建议使用merit, advantage的等意替换词) to both points of view(point of view和opinion这两个词使用太频繁了,其实表达意见和看法的最佳词是perspective) and it is tempting to agree(你这里是要表达什么意思?), in the end(in the end of the day可以用来表示最后,但是这里不是文章的末尾,使用in the end这个概念楼主要慎用), I still feel that boys and girls should be trained in separate classrooms but teachers ought to use varied methods to teach them.
            

            

On the one hand(For one thing比on the one hand来得好一些), only when each boy or girl stay and study together can the whole school society(community应该更恰当) come together as a harmonious unit. To tell the truth, the best way(因为way这个词被使用得太多,所以我建议使用avenue来代替) of education lies in communication. Thus(最好在一篇文章中不要出现相同的两个表意词,其实therefore和hence也都是不错的选择呀), if children are educated in separate classrooms, they will definitely(inevitably不可避免的, definitely这个词在口语中我建议使用,但是写作中最好避免,一是因为用它的人太多了,二是它的语气太强了) lose opportunities to talk and learn with an opposite sex, may be in the future, they will be less competitive in dealing with human relationship wholly in the consequence of lack of communication with a different gender. Furthermore, they may miss a wonderful feeling to have a lovely desk mate. As I see, the touched memory of my school life is such a sweet thing that I will always treasure for I had a charming desk mate while I was in high school and who later became my boyfriend. (这里没有改动不是因为没有问题,而是这里你根本没有反对你不支持的一方面,这样写真的太危险了,这几乎是起负作用的一段!)
                

            

On the other hand, boys and girls indeed have different personalities(ideologies,意识形态在这里用再合适不过了) and behaviors. Teachers should(其实should是一个应该避免使用的词汇,因为ETS的阅卷人说过,中国学生太喜好用should, must这类的词汇,给人的感觉就是你在说教) create unique(unique这个词用的不错,因为unique也的确有一对一这个概念) ways to train(train这个词专门指训练技巧,这里似乎不太合适) them according to their sexual distinction. For instance(To give a demonstration), boys are often naughtier than girls and girls are more vulnerable than boys, so(consequently,以后你想要写so的时候,最好停下来,写consequently或者accordingly) when both a boy and a girl do something wrong, teachers should use different manners of speaking(methods就是口语了) to treat them. They can tell the boy that he fails (failed)to set a good example(model) to his (younger) brother or sister in order to make him know it is of great importance to own responsibility as a man. At the same time, they can tell the girl that she fails to be a wonderful(graceful and elegant) lady, and then the girl will realize the significance to have self-respect as a woman.(又是用词的重复,fail to do是个好短语,可惜最好只用一次.这里可以用did not act as)

 (你这样写是很危险的,从整体上来看,你两个方面的论证的字数的差不多,力度也差不多,没有一个特别的偏重,以后写作文一定要注意这点.你要支持的你就使劲的支持,不支持可以举它的一个优点,但是同时要用一大堆的缺点来否定它.)
                

Taking into account all the factors, I unshakably draw the conclusion that boys and girls should not be educated in separate classrooms but teachers should use varied methods to teach them for the significance of communication and their different personalities and characteristics.
                

(最后一段你怎么有说should not be educated in separate classroom, 你在前面明明是写的I still feel that boys and girls should be trained in separate classrooms

如果你在考试中前后矛盾的进行写作,得个十来分不是不可能的哟)

Well anyway, 你的用词重复太多,怎么解决呢?肯定是背我每天更新的词汇替换,我给的改的词很多都来自于那里.

还有就是你写作不可以前后矛盾,你需要坚定一个观点,永远不要中立!

zdlukeluck

When people are asked what life is, I maintain, thousand individuals will hold thousand opinions（平庸无奇的开头，开头要具体才可以吸引读者：Some live in the world in the hope of being respected; to a multitude of us, as a matter of fact, lives are all about those colorful papers-money; and to a few unfortunate people, life is something toils or bores them to death. Virtually, it is a formidable job for anyone of us common people to give an accurate definition of what life is.）.However,
            From my point of view (from my perspective), I agree with author’s opinion (强烈建议楼主把topic的观点用另外一种方式表达出来). My interpretation of this opinion（opinion这个词出现了太多词，不能体现词汇的多样性opinion＝idea, perspective, viewpoint, standpoint, stance; 当然，不用类似的意见的词汇来表达自己的观点才是高的水平：One might strive assiduously for affluence and gratifying his/her endless rapacity while being utterly unconscious of the fact that he is struggling in a banal existence-where material dominates, actually, life, could be someway higher than merely and pathetically chasing those fleeting fame and gain.要写抒情的文章，楼主的语言还是远远不够的） is that having everything cannot present a life from all aspects because, along with having everything, life also includes what you enjoy from having a thing, what you are experiencing in the process of obtaining a thing, and when the thing you expect is in your possession. (thing这个词在这句话出现了太多次，而且该句的表意很不清楚，可以改为：Why, many of us may wonder, do our lives invariably fail to satisfy us? Because we are in the thirst of being contented-we run frantically to escape the revenge mentally emptiness. Nevertheless, we found to possess is to abate such a natural panic-only via this method, might we find us contented, even fugaciously. )

            

       On the first place, we, by no ways, title a person as the best happiness person in the world simply by the reason that he or she has everything (你要记住,你是在抒情,语言不可以停留在9年级的水平,可以改为: We might have tried to get out of some mundane rules but can not help go behind the stereotype that put his/her happiness and possession at the different sides of an equal mark.).  To judge whether a person is very happy, it is inevitable to ask the question whether the person enjoy from what he or she has(这是句重复的话,没有意义). Facts witness and present many examples(example最好不要用,建议使用demonstration,因为这个比较少有人用,这里句型可以改为sth provide sb with a quintessential demonstration). Extremely poor as the homeless are, they are proud of their freedom(平庸,可以改为: An wealthy one might pour his scorn and derision on those who are struggling in the extreme poverty. However, the poor, to some degree is also fortune-they have never set themselves up to money as a prisoner.). An average work, without a great deal of wealth (概念错误,这里应该用income或者salary), still enjoys the leisurely life style (以我之愚见, enjoy似乎不可以这么用的, 改为: Even a comparatively lower income, virtually, would not spoil one’s leisure time if s/he can set the paper(money, of course) matters aside.). In contrast, an increasing number of CEO is beginning to complain that they are the slaves of money(写作是需要给原因的,不然别人会问-so what? 这里可以改为: Quite the reverse, astonishingly high salary, at times, can not guarantee one’s happiness-too much money brings burden in many ways simultaneously. It will suffice to mention those CEOs who work around the clock only to find s/he could barely extrude some time to use the papers. However, they still want more even they are now living in the pure-gold-made jail).

            

        On the second place, so important is the process that a person is experiencing to reach a goal that we cannot ignore the value of the process.  Some people learn a lot from their failure; some people pay little attention to things they get easily; some people are motivated by difficulties they have ever met to achieve their goals. (这也可以叫”抒情”?9年级的写作又出现了)

            

        Last, but not least (用烂的开头), a thing stands for different meanings for the same person over time. When I was young, I wanted to be older; however, when I do grow up, I expect to stop time’s flying and keep me young forever. A piece of bread is so important for a person suffering from starvation, but it is valueless for the same person when he or she has everything. (这个可以作为论证的材料?时间对人的意义和拥有的意义是很难扯上联系的,况且楼主根本没有扯)

 (最后两段我已经没有心情再改下去,实在写得……….)

        In conclusion, I believe that life means more than having everything.(永远不要重复topic)
            

如果这是你花了两个小时写的作文,那么很不幸,楼主的TOEFL作文水平仅仅停留在2-3分之间. 作为一个大学生,写出的作文是不应该这样的缺乏档次的.其实很多初中生都可以写得比这个好很多.我的语言可能会尖刻,但是绝对是没有撒谎的-我不希望让楼主对自己的写作有错误的估计-你还有很长的路要走.我给你改的前几段有很大的价值,仔细研究可以提升写作的水平.

这里有一些建议:

1.       NCE3和NCE4,楼主应该买来精读.

2.       如果你很功利的话,那就可以认真研究TWE185-至少可以保证你得个4分.

3.       4.75或者5分的文章语言是很有魅力的,所有阅读是不可少的.The Economist肯定不适合你,所有你应该将NCE4的文章好好研究.

4.       买一本Dan Brown的英文小说.

5.       还是去新东方一趟吧!

zdlukeluck

(第一印象：很厉害，在30分钟内写了412词。这侧面表现出了你的很好的写作功底和打字速度，这些ETS的阅卷人都是会注意到的，一般上400词的作文，只要方向不错，思路对头，就肯定会得比较高的分数！如：4分的中档或者高档。注：iBT独立写作的满分是5分，你得的分数会被换算。4分也是分等级的，可以粗略的分为上中下。但是所有5分作文都是在一个档次的。)

Arts and sports are two hot topics in human’s（our human） history. People, who are living in this world, can not separate(我觉得这里改为live without更清楚，其实你这里是用错了的：separate these two things是将这两个东西分开，而你要表达的意思是我们离不开这两样东西。) these two things. It is hard to judge which one needs to put more money （on，应该是put money on sth，介词不要忘记了）. In my opinion（难道你没有看过我的替换表？in my opinion这样大众的词汇是不要出现的<并不是in my opinion有问题,而是100个中国学生中有99个都会用in my opinion,就如同一样东西再怎么好吃,你一天吃上99次也会吐的,阅卷就像吃东西,所有我希望你是没有用in my opinion的那一个人>，这里用from my perspective<这个短语的使用频率也在攀升,但是再怎么也比in my opinion好>）, as long as people can get benefit(benefit作动词,不用get) from whatever arts or sports, government needs to put certain amount of money on them.

(又是这个错误,我都纠正得想吐了:在agree与disagree, preference的题目中,你必须选择一边支持或这喜好,支持的就要用大多的文笔来写,千万不可以说:A在特定的情况下很好,B在特定的情况下也很好,然后最后说A有A的好处,B有B的好处.这样保持中立的写作是不可以的.或者说我两个都喜欢.你必须选择一者来支持,然后用绝大部分的文字来支持它!千万不可以中立,或者说两个都好,不然你的独立写作就很有可能上不了3分!这篇文章很明显就是中立的!下面仅仅是表达上的修改,你文章的思路是完全错误的,对你句子的提升并不代表我赞成那个句子的含义.）
            

We all know that the definition of art is such(such一般不这么用,这里用fairly比较好,相当的宽) broad, any kind of works, which are related to people’s creation activities, could be called art. For example, music can be called art, which people can use to compose, sing and dance, etc. By composing or listening to the music, people will relax themselves. Drawing and sculpture are also called arts, which can bring aesthetic feeling to people; some of them even can last several hundred of years.(你这里花一段花来介绍什么是art有什么用处?I am confused.)

Usually, by watching national art productions, we can figure out that how art’s standards are in that country. We all know that the history of art is also the history of human. There are countless museums around the world, with which hold historical and contemporary art productions. By looking at all those art’s productions, we can find out human’s history and progresses, which express the whole process of human’s development. All of those art productions, or coming from folk, or coming from collection, are precious treasures. So(Consequently,这个单词比so好很多,因为它更复杂,被中国学生使用的频率更低),(art itself is a symbol of civilization as it conveys the quintessence of culture and teach us about the history of the past simultaneously.你需要通过你的论述来证明’艺术’的重要性,你前面的论述是很不错的,所以我一点都没有改动,但是,你需要有一句话来总结它的重要性,从而表明花钱在艺术上面是有必要的)(In the light of the paramount importance of art)  government needs to consider putting money on arts in order to keep tradition, and encouraging(also encourage) people to create more valuable productions.

(art 和
            sport, 要么在art上花钱,要么在sport上,不可以都花!不要中立!)

On the other hand, sports have the same weight with(应该是as吧,如果准确的使用是with的话,你给我说一声) arts. Nowadays(告别nowadays,使用currently), Olympic seems to become a strong symbol of a nation. Four-year round Olympic competition impels(impel的准确意思是:it affects you so strongly that you feel forced to do so.因为impel<它的同义词是force, compel>有force的含义,所以建议不要用,这里用stimulate比较好) many countries to put huge amount of money to support this competition. Those countries, with who want to win all games in the Olympic, put huge money(重复的概念应该避免,很多钱可以说:a astronomic sum of money,天文数字) on training coaches and athletes, say, China-a quintessential example of this. Just like a proverb says: “Ten year’s exercise will get(win) one minute success on the stage”(这是不是英语中的谚语?我不清楚.如果是,当然可以用,如果是中文的翻译,那么慎用.). It is exactly reveal that the process, training a high qualified athlete, is a time consuming and money consuming (is a both time and money consuming) procedure. When seeing their good(outstanding, good这样过于低级的词汇,最好还是不要用吧) performance during(这里有个小建议:during是一个常用的词,但是和它等同的in the duration of却被用得很少,所以你可以常用.当然,during并非不好,只是in the duration of更特别一些) the competition, people usually enjoy the happiness brought by those competitions by forgetting stories behind of those successes(你这段的论述没有说明体育的重要性,也没有说明为什么要投入在体育上,所以论述基本上是失败的).  

Nobody will deny(As no doubt,我个人认为比nobody will deny好) that arts and sports will bring many enjoyments(前面有了enjoy,后面不要重复前面的概念,而且bring sb sth也是太初级的说法,这里建议改为:Both arts and sports never fail to gratify our tastes in entertainment or aesthetic aspects) for people; however, government needs to consider that how to direct people to enjoy both of them reasonably. Don’t extremely emphasize one part over the other. Appropriate balance is necessary on putting money in each part.

看后印象:论证缺乏逻辑,没有成功的论证为什么要花钱在arts and sports上,而且写了很多很多没有用处的废话.你的语言还是不错的,打字的速度我也认可,但是你必须在论证的本身上多下功夫,你给的理由要能够证明你的选择的正确性,而不是写一些无关紧要的废话.

然后就是:不可以中立!

我的替换表还是好好背吧,上面的很多东西都可以在你的文章中用到,你却没有用.

同时,建议你赶快买本NCE3和NCE4研究研究

zdlukeluck

适合于楼主的修改.这不仅仅是对这篇作文的修改,更是对写作的一些细节的强调和指导,希望你用心记住,这对写作有很大的帮助.

There is much discussion over the phenomenon that many people use cell phones while they are driving. Some people don’t(在TOEFL听力中最好不要用缩写) think(最好不要用think这种被运用频率太高的词,这里可可以用deem sth as/adj or regard sth as/adj) this action is very serious(这里用serious是要表示什么意思?), yet other people claim that such practice is very(very这个词可以避免的时候尽量避免,这里建议楼主使用被使用频率不高,但是很地道的fairly)
        dangerous(dangerous想必是所有人都会用到的词,所有这里你可以用hazardous避免重复,这个词尤其的好,当表达对人的安全和健康有危险时). I maintain that the use of cell phones should be banned[这里又一次重复了题目中的话,我说过,楼主尽量不要用重复topic的方式来表达自己的意见,这样会被打低分的: using mobile phones while one is driving will inevitably trigger(trigger这个词的意思和cause一样,很地道,而且99.9999%的中国学生都不会用) an accident sooner or later, hence(这个因此后面接名词,比较好,你要尽量避免because) my perspective-the ban of using mobile phones while driving is needed. ] in cars for the following three reasons: safety, education, and cost.

       No issue is more important[important也是一个常常要用到的词语,这里给出几个替换的: cardinal, crucial(extremely important), vital…这里最好用crucial;同时要提醒的是,直接用adj修饰会让文章显得比较的苍白,所有可以改为名词修饰-of great importance] today(以后表示”现今”这个概念的时候,一定不要用nowadays, currently这个单词是最佳选择) than safety. We cannot emphasize the importance of protecting ourselves from dangers too much(我觉得这句话有让老外搞不懂的风险). We are undergoing many dangers(这里用be doing似乎也不大妥当?这次我真的不清楚了) when we drive on roads, especially on highway. In order to secure our safety when driving, we need to concentrate all(all可以不要) on driving exclusively. I’d like to present an example here to support my opinion(example这个词最好也不要在TOEFL写作中出现,这里建议用demonstration). To some extent, we can equate calling with drinking alcohol(drunken driving是酒后驾车的正确说法), because both of them may lead to the same dangers. Alcohol does seriously reduce a driver’s competence in controlling a car, so does calling when(while) driving. This can be a matter of life and death, and any person(one) who is blind to this point may pay a heavy price. (你是不是用了电子词典?)
                

       In addition, education is also a main reason (I have no idea how to write a main sentence here).
        (其实我也不知道这个一个属于什么,但是可以把education这个词转化为 of great meaning in education,但是education的意思是teaching people various subjects,这里可能让人产生错误的理解,所以干脆更模糊点,用of great meaning in many ways) To ban(forbid或者prohibit, prohibit的意思和ban更相近) the action of cell phone use in cars is to deliver a clear signal to people and to heighten public awareness about this issue. By(这也是一个使用频率很高的词,这里建议用via代替) making such a rule, we will bring home to people the value of following traffic rules properly(这句话什么意思?). Those who violate traffic regulations should be rightly condemned and punished, of course; moreover, any action threatening others is utterly(你需要学会用副词来加强语气!) unacceptable. Undoubtedly(indubitably), when people get(develop) into the habit of prudently(prudent) driving, a lot of traffic problems will disappear automatically.

        Last, but not the least, such a rule is not costly. The issue(issue这个词出现了太多词,这里可以用argument) of cost is an evitable factor which contributes directly to our decision whether we start to enact a new rule. To implement this rule, we need to spend money on in certain management measures. However, this cost will be less than the cost resulting from serious traffic accidents. (这似乎不是一个好的理由,其实这些话没有多大存在的意义)
            

       To sum up(这个太老套,可以改为: After four paragraphs tough writing, now it comes to a conclusion.), given the reasons(aspects,用词尽量不要重复,aspects是方面的意思) discussed above, I may(unshakably表示坚定,这里怎么可以用may呢?) draw the conclusion that the use of cell phones should be banned in cars. To implement such a rule is a rational decision from the views of(in terms of更好,而且表达清楚) protecting our lives(最好不要写protect one’s life,可以写:guaranteeing our safety), training the public, and saving money. Actually(virtually更好,因为actually被别人用得太多), not only do I wish(wish是表示希望不可能的事,这里显然用错了) to make this rule a reality, but also I wish to do it soon. (最后一句我又没有弄懂)
            

总的来说这篇文章的没有修改的时候还是可以得四分的,但是是刚刚好4.00分的那种,而且不排除3.50和3.75的可能. 在修改过后,应该有个4.25吧.

在论坛上有人说结构好就可以得高分,其实那是错误的.在TOEFL的独立写作方面,结构占小部分,语言才是真正制胜的关键.显然,你的语言还是有不足的,我在修改中给了你很多小的建议,这些建议虽然小,但是却十分的管用,可以帮助你在很多词的用法领先,从而在细节上战胜对手.

还有一点必须提出的是你的副词和插入语用得太少,几乎没有,这点是你必须改进的.

德克的猪

先看这个

费尔南多

顶一下~~~好东西.LZ很辛苦,也很负责....感动