<Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.9作业

写作老师Tim

学生背景：

高二在校生，托福考了8次，最高分81分（写作和口语一直徘徊在18-21之间，也是相当可怜）

学生主要的问题是年纪太小，对社会的认知不够；写出来的内容不符合社会现状，很难让考官理解和认同。

还有一个最重要的问题，就是之前学的太杂，换过各种各样的老师，上过不同的课程，有些“顽疾”不好从根本治疗。（这一问题现在很多同学都有，网课和线下课以及各种同学的分享，学的很乱但最后提分并不明显）

最近才接手，也的确很棘手。

所以，给大家看一下一直维持在18-21分左右的作文大概是什么样子，也因此引以为鉴。

（P.S.正好今天发过来的，就直接在这里批出来了）

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements?

Because people are busy doing so many different things, they do very few things well.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

红色部分都是Tim帮忙添加以及修改的部分

In the past, people just needed to do few things, but now, we have to deal with several tasks (together in order to improve our efficiency).  However, there is a controversial problem whether people can do few things well or not, while they are doing multiple assignments. （今夕对比，第一句话已经有in the past和now了，这里的however转折完全是有问题的。所以整句话还不如删掉 ） Some people believe people can do well in most things. Whereas（whereas是不可以直接放在句首当副词，因为它只是个连接词，有很多同学希望代替however，可是whereas是绝对不可以这样使用）, I think we can only carry out few things well（修改：accomplish few things successfully，不改有抄题目嫌疑）.

对于开头段，我不知道各位同学的习惯是如何的，因为不同分数段的开头形式有一定区别：

1. 该同学使用“今昔对比”，这类开头通常比较注重对比，可是很多同学完全只是当一句套路句来使用。

2. 如果不会开头，还不如用最简单的一句话开头法，就是表明态度同意还是不同意题目内容，并且改写。剩下的核心全部放在论述主体段上。（现实是，很多同学喜欢秀语言，开头不多写一点又感觉不合适）

四大开头法：常规开头，今昔对比，解释定义，现象说明。如果想要高分的同学从来没有考虑过开头的方式，我觉得真的有必要思考一下了。毕竟开头是脸，E-rate的机评不会有影响，可是考官评分上会有很大出入。

The first reason is the limited time (修改：nowadays, we do not have enough time to make things through individually). It is fair for every individual that we only have 24 hours per day（修改：to share the same time, 24hours a day, which means the time is limited.我把同学的第一句观点变成第二句解释，这样在解释过程可以更有逻辑）. Take one day as an example, in order to maintain health, according to physiology,（修改：Let us do some math together, to see how much time we have left for average people） (添加：For most of people, ) we have to cost at least eight hours for sleeping, and everyday, we have to consume three times that approximately cost three hours, have to go to bathroom for pee, making up, or taking shower that roughly cost one hour, and have to cost one hour in traffic.（修改：,and one hour for personal needs, such as going to bathroom or taking shower, to name but a few. 同学把所有能想到的都一起说出来，看起来是一句大长句，实际上很乱。最后的to name but a few实际上就是大家经常用的and so on，这种表达在写作中非常好用） Then, only eleven hours left. However, spending entire eleven hours on working is impossible because we have to relax and release stress. We may imagine we can do what well in only bout nine hours.（修改：Based on above, we have to split our time for having meals or something else, because we cannot keep working or studying. Therefore, it is obvious to imagine how much time we can devote ourselves to our real business and how well we can finish works perfectly.我把同学的三个句子换成了两个句子，尤其最后一句话therefore部分正好把观点再次突出一下。有很多同学并不是特别注意最后一句话的总结，我这里比较建议一些同学，最好做一个小总！）

说到中间body部分，写法多种多样。不过我首先要给大家说明一点考官的最明显扣分的地方：是否有明确的观点和合理的论述！

段落怎么写，无所谓，也没有一定的模式，但是如果观点不明，论述不请，后果很可怕！

这一段有很多很多同学都会说，以内“忙”。这个词本身没问题，关键是，很多很多同学都用这个观点，凭什么考官要多给你分？忙作为现在我们很多人的口头禅，用我们经常作为的“借口”来解释，是否能解释的明白，大家要好好思考！

Besides, lack of ability to multitask is a kind of （修改：another）barrier for human beings to do many things well. The skill of multitasking means that we can deal with many things simultaneously, such as typing an essay while talking with friends on a phone. （这一句话实际上对文章没有任何帮助，但是又没有太大的语言问题）Doing more things well in about nine hours, (添加：which has  mentioned above in last paragraph), is possible, only if we develop a multi-task ability. However, only a few of individuals have this ability（修改：can do so）, and it is extremely hard to develop. For example, I am  Grade 11 now, and everyday, I have to do many assignments given from teachers while I am listenning the lessons. Unfortunately, I cant  focus on what the teacher is talking about, which usually makes me spend more time on reviewing the lessons after school. However, my friend, Sarah, she is always doing things one by one, so she can  do everything perfectly. Thus, doing things step by step is the reason why we  can do few tasks well now.

后面这一段，我基本上放弃修改的主要原因就是，已经跑题了。尤其是最后一句：Thus, doing things step by step is the reason why we  can do few tasks well now.

题目问的是：是否同意“人们很少能把事情做好”，是需要我们回答原因！可是后面就变成一步一个脚印，慢慢来我们才能把事情做好。这完全是两个不同的内容。

此外，大家也应该可以感觉到，高中生的语言能力只能停留在把事情说出来，但是至于是否有逻辑或者更高的语言表达有的时候却很困难（有一些同学可能面临把事情说明白都很困难吧？）

其实这一段完全可以说人们做事的时候容易分心，很容易让受到其他事情干扰从而转去做其他事情，很难不被打扰一心一意的做一件事情之类都可以。

In conclusion, in modern society, we can only deal with few tasks well because of the limited time and lack of ability to multi-task.

有的时候真的是这样，很多作文改到一半，Tim老师就下不了手了，因为很多时候，跑题的作文去修改除了语法和语言使用以外，其他就没办法修改了。

所以对于很多急需改作文的同学，如果能确保自己文章不跑题的前提，并且说的内容也能让大家理解，那么改作文很有用；

但是，如果作文跑题，并且很多内容只是“你认为”，并没有考虑读者是否能理解的话，那么改作文只能改语言使用，对本质没有任何的用处。

所以希望大家在平时练习的时候也多多注意，很多文章可能只有你自己知道在写什么！

大家继续加油，之后我还会给大家带来不同版本的修改给大家欣赏哈！

写作老师Tim

给大家机会写作文，我随机筛选然后修改！如果没有，我就拿我自己学生作业放上来改了！别说TIM老师不给机会哇，哈哈哈！
嗯，我知道最近是期末

arthurhoo

先感谢Tim老师，请老师指点下独立作文的问题在哪？我目标作文拿到25以上，目前综合可以拿good
题目见图片


As the the development of the society, more and more people have enough time and money to pursue the joy of art. In other words, the art market is prosperous. As a result, the appeal of more resource spent on art is emerging. Nontheless, this issue is controversial that whether it is a wise choice to cut down the fund for athletics to cater to the need of art market.

      First, the cutting-edge technology brings a fever for all citizens' interests. Based on the statistics survey, there are more than seventy-eight percent of people like sports in our world. An government would not choose to sacrifice the interest of majority. The playgrounds built for the athletics, provide areas not only for the atheltes, but also for the residents. It is a win-win policy to support the athlectics.

      Moreover, though top sports stars, such as James, Messi, get great rewards, most of athletes always obtain a low salary. Meanwhile, such people do need more exercises and sports infrastructures that usually cost a lot, to make progress. Contrast to a soccer player, who needs specific coach and playground, a painter may only need a canvas and a few strokes to depict his idea.

     Last but not the least, money is a method of support from governments, but not the only way to do so. For instance, giving the art committee a warrant, thus an artist can hold a impressionism exhibition in a street or a school, instead of a spacious museum. Maybe this kind of art show would attract and affect more pedestrains besides the fans, thus giving the artist greater sense of achievments.

     To sum up, we should diversify the lives in our world, but we have to take the interests of other people and more methods into account.

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-10 00:15
先感谢Tim老师，请老师指点下独立作文的问题在哪？我目标作文拿到25以上，目前综合可以拿good
题目见图片

首先这道题目是经典的政府投资类话题，在平时准备的时候应该对于政府四大投资的话题背景知识做一个了解，否则对于这类话题，很多同学只是凭自己的感觉写；尤其要问问自己，对于政府，大家真的了解吗？（对于国内学生来说，实际大家一点儿都不了解）


政府四大投资背景：
1. 政府投资艺术
2. 政府投资医疗
3. 政府投资教育
4. 政府投资基础设施（道路、体育设施、公园建设、房屋建设等）

把这四种投资类型带来的好处找一下，会容易写很多！至少不用在短暂的30分钟里还要靠自己去思考！


As the the development of the society, more and more people have enough time and money to pursue the joy of art.（首先四六级开头，早已在很多考官眼里被视为“垃圾”开头，实在因为看的太多了，我从来不会让我学生写这样的开头，这是会被我骂的！我给你写一个，你可以作为参考：All the governments around the world are committed to providing their citizens with a better living standard in every aspect.） In other words, the art market is prosperous. As a result, the appeal of more resource spent on art is emerging.（第二句和第三句完全可以合在一起，修改：In other words, they have to spend a great sum of money on social or human development.） Nontheless, this issue is controversial that whether it is a wise choice to cut down the fund for athletics to cater to the need of art market.（最后一句又是很常见的四六级模板句，引争议的方式很多种，换一种方式远远比这种要好；此外，题目并没有说cut down the fund，只是在哪方面做更多的投入，这是两回事儿；修改：However, nowadays, there is a school of thought that government should lay more emphasis on professional sports development rather than art construction.）

开头段少了一个最重要的部分，你的观点！ETS官方在agree or disagree的题目中明确要求学生在开头明确自己的观点。因为这是在问你的态度！所以，千万不要在模仿某些范文的写法（某些范文当时我带到ETS的时候，人家连25分都没给！我还笑着说，这在我们国内是满分范文，他们当时就表示：That is really misleading.）记住，你的态度是考官检查你全篇文章逻辑的核心！


      First, the cutting-edge technology brings a fever for all citizens' interests.（观点句完全不知道和主题的关系，尖端的科技和政府投资有什么联系？） Based on the statistics survey, there are more than seventy-eight percent of people like sports in our world.（引用数据法虚假嫌疑，官方在引用数据的需求中需要有权威出处，如果只是说一个数字，他们会认为你是编的；此外，大部分人喜欢运动和前面的尖端技术还是没有联系，至少我用考官想法是看不懂之间的逻辑。） An government would not choose to sacrifice the interest of majority.（仍然没有和尖端科技有任何联系） The playgrounds built for the athletics, provide areas not only for the atheltes, but also for the residents.（这一句话的目的是为了解释什么吗？因为你前面三句话没有对运动员做任何铺垫和解释，突然的引入运动员是没有逻辑的。） It is a win-win policy to support the athlectics.

作为中间body段来说，一定要围绕自己的态度来论述。你想要论述的是应该给运动员方支持？那么我要看到的是为什么要给他们更多的支持，他所带来的优点在哪里。所以对于这一段来说，如果考官看的话很有可能会判断你跑题，也就是你effectively addresses the topic部分要丢分了。

      Moreover, though top sports stars, such as James, Messi, get great rewards, most of athletes always obtain a low salary（大部分运动员收入很低所以才要多投资吗？这很难成为一个说服别人的观点，此外，obtain是急需得到的意思，不可以和get互换，因为obtain是要有前后联系的。）. Meanwhile, such people do need more exercises and sports infrastructures that usually cost a lot, to make progress.（运动员训练和前一句挣得多少薪水之间没有关系；他们的确需要运动设备训练，可是怎样突出支持？大到政府都要大力支持？这个程度如何突出出来是很重要的；并且还要说明这种投资很值得，绝对不是因为运动员的薪水很高。） Contrast to a soccer player, who needs specific coach and playground, a painter may only need a canvas and a few strokes to depict his idea.（论述偏激，运动员不仅仅是足球运动员，用足球运动员举例子太过于特例；特例是不可以作为例子的，因为他不符合普遍现象；支持艺术更多是博物馆，本土文化，画家也是一部分特殊群体！）


举例子如果举特例的结果就是，考官认为你这个人太偏激，或者他认为你对题目有误解！

     Last but not the least, money is a method of support from governments, but not the only way to do so. For instance, giving the art committee a warrant, thus an artist can hold a impressionism exhibition in a street or a school, instead of a spacious museum. Maybe this kind of art show would attract and affect more pedestrains besides the fans, thus giving the artist greater sense of achievments.


这一段跑题，完全和题目主题没有任何联系，首先，题目不需要你说解决方法；此外，你的主题是要论述：政府要支持运动领域，那这一段完全和自己的立场没有关系；街边艺术展和学校艺术展根本不需要政府支持和干预，这是对现实论述的不符。
不要忘记，题目要我们突出的是为什么要政府在艺术或者专业运动员上进行支持。主要是突出在政府的干预上，否则就和题目没有任何联系了。


     To sum up, we should diversify the lives in our world, but we have to take the interests of other people and more methods into account.



最后结论部分也没有给出自己的立场，这里也要被扣除相应的分数。


通过你的独立写作，暴露出了三个重要的问题：
1. 独立写作的评分标准和得分点没有掌握
2. 论证缺乏说服力（缺乏论证手法和事实了解）
3. 话题背景只是的缺乏（因为可以通过你的文章看到，你把题目理解成了你想要的样子，而不是题目本身的样子）

此外，语言使用上语法倒是可以，但也有一些minor errors，但是用词上能感受到你想使用一些比较好的词语，可是一些使用不合适，会带来误解。

建议：
1. 对于托福8大主题话题进行背景知识了解，比如政府四大投资（如果你知道这个背景，政府投资艺术领域很容易写的，因为很好写）
2. 评分标准和得分点的了解（托福四个评分标准里面，中国学生大部分失分都是在逻辑衔接和回答问题完整度上，因为咱们中国人的特点是“我认为我写的挺好”的心态，没想过外国人这群不同文化的人需要什么）
3. 段落结构（24-26分本质上就是把话说明白，然后段落合理，论证丰富。中间Body段通常由6-8句话组成。包括观点，解释，以及其他论证手法）

继续加油！希望帮助到你找到自己的问题！

arthurhoo

灵魂导师Tim 发表于 2019-1-10 12:19
首先这道题目是经典的政府投资类话题，在平时准备的时候应该对于政府四大投资的话题背景知识做一个了解， ...

多谢Tim老师的批改，很到位，我慢慢消化一下。以前一直以为toefl作文不看重观点的逻辑性，看来是个误解了。

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-10 14:37
多谢Tim老师的批改，很到位，我慢慢消化一下。以前一直以为toefl作文不看重观点的逻辑性，看来是个误解了 ...

不要紧，最近期末正好我也有空，15号之后都考好试了就不那么空了~所以有什么问题可以在这几天问哈~

很多同学都认为观点的逻辑性不重要，其实这个导致这个误解的原因有两个：
1. 现在市面托福范文字数又多，语言又炫，因此很多同学看了范文之后认为词汇高大上，多写一点儿就可以了
2. 周围同学考过高分，很多拿过高分的同学在分享经验的时候都特别强调自己看了多少范文，之前准备的时候如何注重词汇量之类的；可是有很多同学本身逻辑就还可以，能把话说明白，因此他们也认为大家应该都能说明白话，只是大家词汇量不够。

因此才导致很多同学疯狂看范文，疯狂练习，但是却都忽略了所谓逻辑部分。
你现在意识到了不晚，把话说明白就好，记住考官是一个和你完全不同文化的人。让他们看懂，25分的标准很容易达到的！加油哈！

arthurhoo

突然发现很多同学还没看到这个好资源，那我就再厚着脸皮请Tim老师指点一篇。tpo这篇又是个政府话题的，我按照老师指点的思路尝试着又写了一个

All the governments around the world are committed to offering their citizens a better circumstance in every aspect. Since the budget is limited, the government will make a big effort to find a optimal financial plan. Some choices, such as spending more on Internet access than pubic transportation, always confuse the decider. But after taking furthur insight into this problem, we would easily tell the nuance between these options, and surely to invest more on the improvement of Internet access.

       For one thing, I can not imagine what one day without Internet would be. As a marketing employee, I need to send and receive Emails, check the data from online system, and even make a facetime with my parents after work. Not to mention the teleworkers and teleschools, which are becoming more and more prevalent. The better access to Internet, the more convenient we can utilize it. We now have 5G network, and connect WIFI in almost every public building, a tendency means the urgent need from us.

      Further, as long as an Internet is there, we could do much more things by our electronic devices than before, thus maximizing the time of our life. In the past, when I was in a long queue to buy a coffee, I could do nothing, but move slowly and look around. At present, I can browse the latest news through my phone connected with Internet, or learn English from online course. This is a wise way to full use the fragment of time.

      All of us can feel the difference the Internet made in our lives, and it also changed our needs. Public transportation indeed bothered us years before, but many companies have enacted policies to get over it. Telework and non-conventional schedule are such ways that help people avoid the congestion of public transportation. As a result, the request of improving this system is not as intense as before.

     To sum up, spending more money on Internet access will satisfy the interest of majority, and doing so may also help certain issues in public transportation.

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-11 14:54
突然发现很多同学还没看到这个好资源，那我就再厚着脸皮请Tim老师指点一篇。tpo这篇又是个政府话题的，我按 ...

哈，我今天刚改了一篇，你这个留到过两天给你看哈，今天时间不太够了呢~~

arthurhoo

灵魂导师Tim 发表于 2019-1-11 16:56
哈，我今天刚改了一篇，你这个留到过两天给你看哈，今天时间不太够了呢~~ ...

好好，顺便多了解一下，哪里可以看到Tim老师的一些深入讲解课程啊？例如老师提及的八大话题，政府事务等？

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-11 17:17
好好，顺便多了解一下，哪里可以看到Tim老师的一些深入讲解课程啊？例如老师提及的八大话题，政府事务等 ...

课程都是我平时的线下课和线上一对一课都会讲哒。
论坛就是给没时间上课的同学一个学习的地方，顺便帮一下大家
话题素材在我课上都给大家总结好啦