woshimind的作文贴 跪求狠hen's批!!!!

woshimind

2月12号/独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
If others (or employers) don't know your strength and accomplishment,you will never succeed in life.
 
 I think sooner or later we will succeed in my life even others or employers don’t know my strength and accomplishment.
 First and foremost, I can get sense of happiness and success by showing my kindness to friends neighbourhood and paasion for my life. As a proverbs in Bible says that you will never succeed in your life if you try to hide your sins. Kindness and a good heart are a good foundation in my daily life. We can take Ziwei Mao who is a volunter leader in representing Miami’s kindness organization, as an example.  She had answered every youtbe comment,email and post and she tried her best to help anyone she can .Some people will say that she is so insane! But she takes the time to share their appreciation or thought with anyone who give her a mesaage. And also she says she would at least response to people who pay attention to her. She become the most leader for the organization in the end when he looked back. Obviously, she can succeed in her life by this simple way rather than accomplishment recognised by others.
 Second, I can lead success by doing one thing consistently over a period of time. We can take Pizarro who runs a small online company as an example. She love her company named Empower Network because working can keep her in a good condition. Empower Network make some big money online by sharing the methods to understand how to market in society and support every customer..Pizarro earn some really nice income and then get out of her usual way in life. This strong woman who is confident and determined in everything she does, is chasing a larger dream of her life. Pizarro think that when we fully engaged in one thing we crazy about over a period of time that will become our great success in life.
 However, we cannot deny the fact that you cannot succeed if others donnot know your strength and accomplishment. We cannot be promoted in a higher position unless our employer don’t know our prominent ability. We may even be put in an unfavorable place if the employer turns over this job. So we should not achieve success if others donnot know our strength and accomplishment.

lihaolan

去这里看清楚下规则！！！http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-802202-1-1.html

慕禾

lz你好，你是北美时间吗？看你13号凌晨一点多占了12号的座。我们是每天十点半之前占座分当天的组，下次再占座可以看下三楼的分组情况（如果x月x号已经分组就请不要再占那天的了）或者二楼的[today]提醒。所以12号的就没法帮你分了，不好意思啦。

woshimind

您好，没事的，我昨晚睡得很晚而已，就提前占了13号的座位！我不是北美时间！

woshimind

I agree that teachers’ performance should be evaluated by students rather than by other teachers.
First and foremost, it can improve teaching efficiency by accessment of students. We can take indian students as a example. Almost indians are studying english language due to its centerstage in the world. However, they are under deep influence of their regional language while learning english language. So the teacher should inspire students very much by understand approach for improving students’s language. The teacher should guide students to the right way when they are encountered some difficulty in learning such as pronunciation and grammar structure. Only in this way students’s problems can be solved and then teachers’ performance can be exposured.
In addition, Students’ score is main tool for accessing teacher’s performance. Students may be failed in university’s entrance examination if teacher’s performance is not good. More realistically. Parents will be worried about students performance in the examination which may be a important door to some famous university especially in Japan.
Moreover. Future development of world will be tracted by students’s quality. In recent years, the gap between what students expected and what the teacher is able to deliver is gradually increased. The more students expected from their teachers the more teachers would know what students want to learn. Students desired their teachers to be a good communicators and be alert to struggling students. The school’s good atomosphere can be created when all students are struggling to their own goal and then social literated circumstances can also be improved greatly.
To sum up, student’s evaluation prove to be the most effective tool to measure teacher’s performance.

libertine

I agree that teachers’ performance should beevaluated by students rather than by other teachers.
首段显得太苍白了，建议多充实下内容。

First and foremost, it can improve teachingefficiency by accessment (应该是assessment) of students. We can take indian (记得首字母大写Indian) students as a example. Almost (感觉这里加个all会更好一点) indians (记得首字母大写Indians) are studying english language (这个可以去掉，显得有点多余) due to its centerstage (这个是什么意思！？) in the world. However, they are underdeep influence of their regional language while learning english language(这个可以去掉，显得有点多余). So the teacher should inspire students very much by understand(+ing) (加个the会更好) approach for improving students’s (正确形式students’) language. The teacher should guidestudents to the right way when they are encountered (直接改成encounter) some difficulty in learning such as pronunciation and grammarstructure. Only in this way students’s (正确形式students’) problems can be solved and then teachers’ performance can be exposure (exposure本身是名词).
本段完全跑题！

In addition, Students’ score is (加个the会更好) main tool for accessing (应该是assessing) teacher’s performance. Students may befailed (直接改成fail) in university’s entrance examination ifteacher’s performance is not good. More realistically. (这里应该换成逗号) Parents will be worried about students (正确形式students’) performance in the examination which may be a important door to somefamous university (正确形式universities) especially in Japan.
本段同样完全跑题！

Moreover. (这里应该换成逗号) Future development of world will be tracted (tract本身是名词,本身也没明白你想表达什么意思) by students’s (正确形式students’) quality. In recent years, the gap between what students expected(直接expect就好) and what the teacher is able to deliver is gradually increased (改成increasing). The more students expected (直接expect就好) from their teachers the more teachers would know what students want tolearn. 这句话逻辑有问题。 Students desired (直接desire就好) their teachers to be a good communicators (前面是a，这里应该是communicator) and be alert to struggling students. Theschool’s good atomosphere (atmosphere) can be created when all students are struggling to their own goal andthen social literated (literate本身是名词) circumstances can also be improvedgreatly.
本段再次完全跑题！

To sum up, student’s evaluation prove (第三人称单数proves) to be the most effective tool to measure teacher’s performance.
结尾段和开头段一样，有些苍白

1.  感觉文章整体质量很次。
2.  字数应尽量达到300，这样的话，论述会比较完整。
3.  感觉楼主语言基本功比较欠缺，建议补一补更加初级的知识，再回来对付TOEFL写作。
4.  下次写作之前要想清楚自己要写什么，最好列个提纲，如果写的东西和题干一点都不想干，完全跑题，那就得不偿失了。

Fighting~

woshimind

woshimind

Whether to work longer hours for three days in a week or to work shorter hours for five days in a week is a difficult decision, because each option has its own advantages and disadvantages. I would rather work longer hours three days a week.
First, working longer hours three days a week gives me four continued days for traveling. In fact, with four full days, it is easier for me to visit the famous sites of neighboring countries, such as India or Singapore. For example, last month I went to Kyoto, a city which is full of ancient and historical sites. Even though I stayed there for only four days, its dazzling array of ancient temples and exquisite gardens catched me.
Having a four day weekend that allows me to travel more often is a perfect plan for me. With only three working days in a week, traveling and learning about other cultures is just satisfactory. Working longer hours for three days in a week also helps me find four uninterrupted days to attend classes. In fact, with a schedule requiring five working days a week, it is difficult for me to arrange time to take courses. For example, I went to a drama workshop in Tokyo last year. It took me three continuous days to finish the workshop course. If I had to work five days a week, it would have been impossible for me to attend the workshop. Undoubtedly, a three-day work schedule has its obvious advantages.
Admittedly, many people believe that working shorter hours five days a week is a better option. First, if they work shorter hours during a day, they have more time to exercise daily. Second, shorter working hours during the day means a lighter workload and less stressful life. However, as a young man in my early twenties, I am very confident in my own health, because no matter how tired I am after work, I still make myself go jogging for twenty minutes in order to keep a good shape.
Therefore, when it comes to choosing between working longer hours three days a week and working shorter hours five days a week, I definitely choose the former without hesitation. This kind of work can help me to live a desiring life.

lihaolan

Whether to work longer hours for three days in a week or to work shorter hours for five days in a week is a difficult decision, because each option has its own advantages and disadvantages. I would rather work longer hours three days a week.
First, working longer hours three days a week gives me four continued days for traveling. In fact, with four full days, it is easier for me to visit the famous sites of neighboring countries, such as India or Singapore. For example, last month I went to Kyoto, a city which is full of ancient and historical sites. Even though I stayed there for only four days, its dazzling array of ancient temples and exquisite gardens catched(caught) me（catch my eyes）.
Having a four day weekend that allows me to travel more often is a perfect plan for me. (重复了)With only three working days in a week, traveling and learning about other cultures is just satisfactory（有点变扭，is always an amusing experience。姑且这么说吧。。）. In addition，Working longer hours for three days in a week also helps（enables） me to find four uninterrupted days to attend classes. In fact, with a schedule requiring five working days a week, it is difficult for me to arrange time to take courses. For example, I went to a drama workshop in Tokyo last year. It took me three continuous days to finish the workshop course. If I had to work five days a week, it would have been impossible for me to attend the workshop. Undoubtedly, a three-day work schedule has its obvious advantages.(这段有点散。只要一个分论点就好了。和上段不要重复，举例和上段最好不要重复)
Admittedly, many people believe that working shorter hours five days a week is a better option. First, if they work shorter hours during a day, they have more time to exercise daily. Second, shorter working hours during the day means a lighter workload and less stressful life. However, as a young man in my early twenties, I am very confident in my own health, because no matter how tired I am after work, I still make myself go jogging for twenty minutes in order to keep a good shape（keep fit）.
Therefore, when it comes to choosing between working longer hours three days a week and working shorter hours five days a week, I definitely choose the former without hesitation. This kind of work can help me to live a desiring life contribute to /lead to ….表达多样点。

文章结构最好是这样。

1.主旨234 分论点 5对方观点（可以没有） 6 结论

虽然有点八股，但是理由最好分点列好。 多运用各种各样的表达，语法没什么问题。用词可以多积累下！我也是菜鸟！

woshimind

Early education needs more financial help to promote children’s intellectual development and more money to guarantee good quality of education and school facilities.The main reason for my tend for young children's education is that children aged from 6 years old to 12 years old are the most crucial stage of intelligence development, hence they deserve better education.

First and foremost, so many facilities and equipemts,such as playgrounds,canteens,toys , are provided for these children in some primary school. Besides this,They have to recruit well-qualified teachers in different majors like languages,mathematics and arts. Besides these teachers,those schools also needs drivers,cooks,and guards . In contrast, the university gives expenditure for professors' salary. Another reason can be seen by every one is that almost every one has to receive the compulsory education. But not every one want to go to the university. young children's education include the children's age from 5-18, but the university's students' age is from 18-22. The number of young students is several times than university students. Thus, young children's education need more money.

Admittedly,university education does need money. However,college education mainly rely on social donation from social organizations,l arge companies or successful alumni. So they don't need much government money. But because of the compulsory education,kintergartens and primary school have not much operation cost,they really need government's help to back up their facilities and teachers’ salary system. Thus,government has to spend more money on young children's education rather than on university education.

In conclution, although universities need budgets to improve campus,libraries and instruction. But many social organizations will raise the fund for these universities. The government ,with limited budgets ,should spend on the young children's education for they are our next spring.