【写作小分队】daiC for 7.22

daisyの小夢想 · 发表于 2012-2-18 09:05:55

back for 7.22 T. Hope it would be a happy ending.

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加入写作小分队，每天在鸟儿的督促下完成作业哈哈，writing目标：31分^^

3.18打怪兽，每天来贴作文，希望和大家一起rock writing rock Toefl~!

写作小分队汇总贴：http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-661450-1-1.html
作文有志于拿高分的筒子们快点加入吧。

daisyの小夢想 · 发表于 2012-2-18 09:06:34

2.17 独立
Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic; others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals. What’s your opinion and why? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

Should people just follow their heart and pursue their ambitious dreams even the dreams are not realistic? Some people agree that even though they are not realistic enough, we should still chase those dreams. Others hold that people should not lose their energy on unrealistic dreams and should focus on only realistic goals. From my prospective, it's difficult to define whether our dreams are realistic or not. We should follow our ambitious dreams even they are not realistic, and try our best to make them possible and achieve them.

First of all, there's no definite line between realistic dreams and unrealistic ones. A dream that seems to be unrealistic at present may turn out to be possible in the future. As a saying goes, nothing is impossible. Only after we have tried our best to make it come true can we know whether the dream in our mind is possible. As we all know, Thomas Edison has taken hundreds of experiments before he invented the light bulb. There was no concept of light bulb in people's mind at that time, and it seems to be unrealistic and useless to make so many experiments. But after so many useless and unrealistic trials, Edison finally succeeded to achieve his dream of inventing light bulb. Therefore, we should not set up the boundries(boundaries) between realistic and unrealistic dreams before we take actions.

Furthermore, most of time, it's the hardship of achieving dreams that scares us and makes us feel that our dreams are unrealistic. We just see things from negative side, or we are influenced by others' negative view, and then become frustruted(frustrated) by the harpship(hardship). However, if we do not quit but instead stick to our dreams and strive for them boldly, we will probably accomplish the dreams that we once thought to be unrealistic. Take Jeremy Lin as another example, his dream is winning the champion of NBA, the biggest glory in the world of basketball. He was not supposed to have the possibility of winning the NBA game when he was rejected by two NBA teams before going to the Knicks. His dream of winning championship at that time was absolutely unrealistic in people's eyes. But he never gives up and strives for his ambitious dream, and now he proves himself by leading the Knicks to win seven consecutive games, making his dream achievable again. If he had been fustrated(frustrated) by the previous hardship and adversity, he wouldn't have got chances to show his ability so perfectly and winned(wined) the games. Therefore, we should not be fustrated(frustrated) by the hardship of pursuing a seemingly unachievable dream, and should try our best to protect the dream and achieve it.

Last but not least, if a dream seems to be unrealistic and we really want to achieve it, we should make rational plans and take actions to make its possibility larger gradually. We can divide our big dream into several small but realistic goals, and then make plans to achieve such small goals step-by-step.

To sum up, as Victor Hugo said, "there is nothing like a dream to create the future." Dreaming big protects us from being stuck by the current hardship and motivates us to create a once unbelievable future. We should always follow our heart and strive for our ambitious dreams.

Crystaljoy · 发表于 2012-2-19 14:43:42

修改稿：紫色为添加，蓝色为错误或者疑惑，高亮为精彩！

Should people just follow their heart and pursue their ambitious dreams even the dreams are not realistic? Some people agree that even though they are not realistic enough, we should still chase those dreams. Others hold that people should not lose（waste） their energy on unrealistic dreams and should（but）focus on only realistic goals.（这两种观点表达上可以再富于变化，不然读起来有点拖沓呢~） From my prospective（perspective）, it's difficult to define whether our dreams are realistic or not. We should follow our ambitious dreams even they are not realistic, and try our best to make them possible and achieve them.（turn IMPOSSIBLE to I AM POSSIBLE. 大写了防止判语法错误，感觉ETS应该会明白会喜欢这种表达吧~试试嘿.）

First of all, there's no definite line （dividing line）between realistic dreams and unrealistic ones. A dream that seems to be unrealistic at present may turn out to be possible in the future. As a saying goes, nothing is impossible. Only after we have tried our best to make it come true can we know whether the dream in our mind is possible. As we all know, Thomas Edison has taken hundreds of experiments before he invented the light bulb. There was no concept of light bulb in people's mind at that time, and it seems to be unrealistic and useless to make so many experiments. But after so many useless and unrealistic trials, Edison finally succeeded to achieve his dream of inventing light bulb. Therefore, we should not set up the boundries(boundaries) between realistic and unrealistic dreams before we take actions.

Furthermore, most of time, it's the hardship of achieving dreams that scares us (off) and makes us feel that our dreams are unrealistic. We just see things from negative side, or we are influenced by others' negative view, and then become frustruted(frustrated) by the harpship(hardship). However, if we do not quit but instead stick to our dreams and strive for them boldly ，we will probably accomplish the dreams that we once thought to be unrealistic. Take Jeremy Lin as another example, his dream is winning the champion of NBA, the biggest glory in the world of basketball. He was not supposed to have the possibility of winning the NBA game when he was rejected by two NBA teams before going to the Knicks. His dream of winning championship at that time was absolutely unrealistic in people's eyes. But he never gives up and strives for his ambitious dream, and now he proves himself by leading the Knicks to win seven consecutive games, making his dream achievable again. If he had been fustrated(frustrated) by the previous hardship and adversity, he wouldn't have got chances to show his ability so perfectly and winned(wined) the games. Therefore,（In this reason /for that, hence 跟上段的结论引导词最好不一样） we should not be fustrated(frustrated) by the hardship of pursuing a seemingly unachievable dream, and should （but）try our best to protect the dream and achieve it. (这个例子真赞啊~！广泛涉猎的Daisy，快教教我们怎么恰当滴举例吧~~~)

Last but not least, if a dream seems to be unrealistic and we really want to achieve it, we should make rational plans and take actions to make its possibility larger （large possibility 感觉很别扭，谷歌学术了一下也没看见这个搭配http://scholar.google.com.hk/scholar?hl=zh-CN&as_sdt=0,5&q=large+possibility）gradually. We can divide our big dream into several small but (and 递进更合适)realistic goals, and then make plans to achieve such small goals step-by-step （不用连接符了吧，直接做状语就可以啦）.

To sum up, as Victor Hugo said, "there is nothing like a dream to create the future." Dreaming big protects us from being stuck by the current hardship and motivates us to create a once unbelievable future. We should always follow our heart and strive for our ambitious dreams.

Conclusion：结构清晰，每个观点都有举例和总结，值得学习！！！句子也挺长的，就是and有时用的有点多了，感觉拖沓了一点。we should也有点多，不如用it's reasonable for us to 显得客观，虽然表一样的意思哈。下一篇再加油！！！嘻嘻嘻~

daisyの小夢想 · 发表于 2012-2-19 23:16:56

2.19 独立
When people need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, some people prefer to use e-mail or text messaging. Others like to use telephone or voice messaging. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

When I need to tell my friend about some dispointing(disappointing) or complicate problems, I would love to choose telephone or voice messaging. The reasons that I prefer to use telephone or voice messaging are as following.

First of all, it's easier for me to convey my feelings and express my problem clearly through phone call or voice messages. When I encounter something that upsets me, I definitely wish to make my friends understand how I feel about the thing. So through phone calling or voice messaging, my friend can hear my voice. Since my voice can reflect my emotion, my friend who knows me well can easily know my feelings and develop a sense of empathy. What's more, I can make myself understood more readly(readily) through telephone or voice messaging. As we all know, two-way interaction is much more effective and effetient(efficient) for making one clear about what another one wants to convey than one-way interaction. When it comes to conversial(controversial) and complex problems, when the one that I talk to has anything unclear about what I am expressing, he or she can immediately ask me about the point and make me convey more clearly in response. Also, phone calling and voice messaging is a better intermediate for two-way communication that e-mail and text messaging do.

Furthermore, if I choose e-mail or text messaging, I may need to wait for a long time for the reponse(response) to the person whom I want to tell something with. As the problem I meet may be emergency or really heart-breaking, I need to receive instant response or comfort words. But my friend may not notice the message or the e-mail as soon as I sent the message. In such situation, I may become more annoyed or anxious because I waste my time waiting for response and the stituation(situation) doesn't become better.

Last but not least, texting-messaging has its limitation for the words that can be sent, and consequently, it's hard for me to convey my thoughts to my friends. Since the problems that I meet must be complex, I may have a lot of words to say. Therefore, it's not convenient to express the whole thing and feeling through texting-message.

In conclusion, telephone-calling or voicing messaging is a more convenient way to express oneself and quicker way to receive reponse(response). That's why I like to use such methods when I want to discuss something upsetting or complicate to others.

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-2-20 12:58:15

晨依给Daisy姐姐的修改稿~
这是我第一次修改作文，如果有不对的地方还要告诉我哟~(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
修改说明：红色部分是修改内容；蓝色部分是个人观点和建议，供参考；黄色部分是很好的地方。
When I need to tell my friend about some dispointing(disappointing) or complicate(complicated/complex)problems, I would love to choose telephone or voice messaging. The reasons that I prefer to use telephone or voice messaging are as following(as follows).

First of all, it's easier for me to convey my feelings and express my problems clearly through phone calls or voice messages.(我的个人意见：第一句是主题句，是不是不以自己的口吻写比较好？可以写people怎么样怎么样，然后for example 我怎么样……)When I encounter something that upsets me, I definitely wish to make my friends understand how I feel about the thing(个人觉得thing有点生硬，可不可以用issue什么的替换一下). So, through phone calling or voice messaging, my friend can hear my voice. Since my voice can reflect my emotion, my friend who knows me well can easily know my feelings and develop a sense of empathy. What's more, I can make myself understood more readly(readily) through telephone or voice messaging. As we all know, two-way interaction is much more effective and effetient(efficient) for making one clear about what another one wants to convey than one-way interaction.(我觉得这个句子写得特别的好，亮点！)When it comes to conversial(controversial) and complex problems, when the one that I talk to has anything unclear about what I am expressing, he or she can immediately ask me about the point and make me convey more clearly in response. (我觉得这里两个when读着不大舒服，而且这个句子表述的有点啰嗦。这个是我改的句子，不过也挺长的……When other people cannot understand me well in communications involving some controversial and complex problems, they could immediately ask me and then I can explain to make my points better understood.)Also, phone calling and voice messaging is a better intermediate for two-way communication that(than这里应该是打错了)e-mail and text messaging do.

Furthermore, if I choose e-mail or text messaging, I may need to wait for a long time for the reponse(response) to the person whom I want to tell something with. (这里也是我觉得应该写一个更加能支持主题的句子，从正面写应该好一点吧。)As the problem I meet withmay be emergency or really heart-breaking, I need to receive instant response or comfort words. But my friend may not notice the message or the e-mail as soon as I sent the message(to them). In such situation, I may become more annoyed or anxious because I waste my time waiting for response and the stituation(situation) doesn't become better.(这里可以加一句本段总结。)

Last but not least, texting-messaging has its limitation for the words that can be sent, and consequently, it's hard for me to convey my thoughts to my friends(clearly). Since the problems that I meet must be(是不是有点绝对了呢) complex, I may have a lot of words to say. Therefore, it's not convenient to express the whole thing (describe the whole process 你觉得这样说怎么样)and feeling through texting-message.

In conclusion, telephone-calling or voicing(voice) messaging is a more convenient way to express oneself and aquicker way to receive reponse(response). That's why I like to use such methods when I want to discuss something upsetting or complicate to others.

我也补一个conclusion好了。
我觉得这一篇作文衔接词用的很好，读起来感觉很顺畅；还有我特别喜欢two-way communication那个句子；论证的也很好，很有说服力。
刚才问了一下鸟儿姐姐，你这样的思路是完全可以的，我想那个的太八股了。但是，我的建议还是每段第一句最好能写一个比较统领一点的句子作为论证观点，不写个人的，感觉有点细节。还有一点是在说“B不好”的时候最后如果来一句总结说“所以A比B好”这样是不是就更能突出主题了？
另外，我个人觉得有一些表述应该再雕琢一下，虽然写的意思很清楚，但是表达给人感觉有一点点啰嗦的感觉。就是那个蓝色的句子，我觉得可能分开写能稍微好一点点。好啦，就说这些了，我觉得你的文章表达多样性做的不错，我得积累点词汇去啦

daisyの小夢想 · 发表于 2012-2-21 16:10:25

thanks 晨依妹和鸟儿大大的拥抱一个~~~

daisyの小夢想 · 发表于 2012-2-21 16:11:14

2.20 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? There is never a reason to be rude (impolite) to another person. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

In our daily life, we may encounter some situations in which we can’t control our temper and hold a rude attitude towards others. It’s not because we are meant to be rude to others, since sometimes it’s totally not our fault. But no matter how others treat us, we should still be a polite and well-behaved person.

To begin with, being rude to others not only hurts others, but also damages the relationship between others and us. In many situations, others may be irrational in a time, or they have some misunderstanding with us, so they treat us impolitely and meanly. They may say harsh words, conduct dishonest and disgusting behavior, or even treat our family and friends inappropriately. Although such behavior completely hurts us, we need to keep calm and have a tolerate mind, because it’s likely that there’s some misunderstanding in the whole matter. If we don’t figure out and solve the whole thing calmly, it will just hurts the feeling of both sides and damage the relationship between others and us. Maybe one rude behavior can make us lose a friend because of misunderstanding and irrationality.

Furthermore, being rude to others can not help to solve problem, but even can bring disadvantages to us. It can ruin our impression on others, making others consider us as irrational and bad-tempered. Also, if we treat others back in the way that others treat us badly, we will be the same impolite person like them. What’s more, being rude can just make the situation worse and do harm to our career. Take Zidane as an example, Zidane, the famous French football player, was near to win and achieve his biggest dream at the last match of the 2006 World Cup. However, he conduct rude behavior towards an Italy player who insulted his family member impolitely. As a result, Zidane was rejected to go on playing that game and lose his championship. Because of being irrational and rude in that game, Zidane damage his gentle impression on others, lose the opportunity to fulfill his dream, and failed to bring glory to his country. From his story, we can learn that we ought to stay calm and be gentle in anytime, since being rude at one time can have long-lasting bad influence.

Last but not least, there must be better solution than rude behavior. As a Chinese saying goes, peace is above everything. If there’s misunderstanding between others and us, we can talk to them sincerely, make others clear about what we actually think, and try to think in others’ shoes. If others are impolite and rude, we can influence them to be a better person by our politeness and good behavior. When we have any conflict with others, we need to keep calm first, think in others’ shoes tolerantly, and figure out the solution peacefully.

To sum up, being rude brings no advantages but only disadvantage. Since we are wise and sensible , under no circumstances should we be rude to another person.

chasedreamabc · 发表于 2012-2-21 17:02:30

好滴，晚上来看

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-2-21 17:44:33

偷偷地来拜读大作咯~

真的是太喜欢Daisy姐姐的用词了！赞一个~！
我自己在写作文的时候很多词汇总想换个表述，其实原来背单词也背过，可是就是想不出来……
哈哈以后多来看看，积累一下~

chasedreamabc · 发表于 2012-2-22 12:01:16

第一次修改，有什么不足的地方请指正

In our daily life, we may encounter some situations in which we can’t control( out of control) our temper and hold a rude attitude towards others. It’s not because we are meant to be rude to others, since sometimes it’s totally not our fault. But no matter how others treat us, we should still be a polite and well-behaved person.

To begin with, being rude to others not only hurts others, but also damages the relationship between others and us. In many situations, others may be irrational in a time, or they have some misunderstandings with us, so they treat us impolitely and meanly. They may say harsh words, conduct dishonest and disgusting behavior, or even treat our family and friends inappropriately. Although such behavior completely hurts us, we need to keep calm and have a tolerate mind, because it’s likely that there’s some misunderstanding in the whole matter. If we don’t figure out and solve the whole thing calmly, it will just hurts the feeling of both sides and( as well as) damage the relationship between others and us. Maybe one rude behavior can make us lose a friend because of ( due to)misunderstanding and irrationality.

Furthermore, being rude to others can not help( 忍不住吗？) to solve problem, but even can bring disadvantages to us. It can ruin our impression on others, making others consider us as irrational and bad-tempered. Also, if we treat others back in the way that others treat us badly, we will be the same impolite person like them. What’s more, being rude can just make the situation worse and do harm to our career. Take Zidane as an example, Zidane, the famous French football player, was near to win and achieve his biggest dream at the last match of the 2006 World Cup. However, he conduct rude behavior towards an Italy
player who insulted his family member impolitely. As a result, Zidane was rejected to go on playing that game and lose his championship. Because of being irrational and rude in that game, Zidane damage his gentle impression on others, lose the opportunity to fulfill his dream, and failed to bring glory to his country. From his story, we can learn that we ought to stay calm and be gentle in anytime, since being rude at one time can have long-lasting bad influence.

Last but not least, there must be better solution than rude behavior. As a Chinese saying goes, peace is above everything. If there’s misunderstanding（好像要加s） between others and us, we can talk to them sincerely, make others clear about what we actually think, and try to think in others’ shoes. If others are impolite and rude, we can influence them to be a better person by our politeness and good behavior. When we have any conflict with others, we need to keep calm first, think in others’ shoes tolerantly, and figure out the solution peacefully.

To sum up, being rude brings no advantages but only disadvantage. Since we are wise and sensible , under no circumstances should we be rude to another person.（结论加上一些模板上的话语的话会更完美，会长一点点，这样也行可以节省一点时间）

【写作小分队】daiC for 7.22

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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