【写作小分队】daiC for 7.22

daisyの小夢想

7.11 风尘了的作文帖，I’m back for dream.

Do you want your children to do similar jobs with you?

Finding a job is never an easy work. At present, every youngster is dreaming of a decent job that can offer them both good salary and developmental opportunities. However, under the background of economic crisis and city explosion, competition among job hunters becomes increasingly fierce. Thus, it's formidable to find a job, not to mention an ideal job. Under such circumstance, it's not hard for us to imagine why parents are so eager for leading their children to the career path they have gone through. It sounds like a perfect solution. But parents, in my opinion, should not interfere too much on their children's career choices.

On one hand, children will not be able to develop independently if they do similar jobs with their parents. As we all know, parents always think that since they have affluent work experience on the field that you are working in, you should listen to their advice, which can benefit you a lot in their eyes. For instance, they will keep reminding you of something you should notice to avoid mistakes. So unfortunately, you are deprived of the chances of exploring ways to improve and learning from mistakes. Deep reflection by oneself is a more effective way of learning and progressing than the suggestion by others. Some people may rebut my standpoint by saying that the children whose parents do similar jobs with them are more accessible to some resources like networks, and thus are more likely to succeed. But more often, people tend not to cherish the things that they obtain easily. Also, since parents' resources are not unlimited preasure(treasure), children cannot always rely on them. Therefore, if parents want their children to develop into independent talents, they should forget about what they can offer to their children and let them do something different.

On the other hand, parents should give freedom to their children to choose the profession that they are passionate about. Everyone has his own right to make their own choice. If parents just force their children to do jobs similar to theirs, but their children have no passion for such jobs, their children would not get satisfaction from the jobs and thus have no motivation to do it well. This point is best illustrated with the example of Steve Jobs. If Paul Jobs, his father, forced him to be a car-fixer or engineer simliar(similar) to him, Steve Jobs may not be able to make such great achievements as being a leader of the Apple Company. As Steve Jobs said, you should always follow your heart. Likewise, parents should allow their children to follow their own passion. Futhurmore(Furthermore), since the world is changing, and the times are changing, the definition of promising jobs is also changing. In this new era of Internet, many novel jobs emerge. Career choices nowadays are much wider than before. Thus, children's career choices are not supposed to be confined to their parents' career.

In conclusion, forcing children to do similar jobs with parents disrupt the opportunity to cultivate their independence and ability which are prerequisites for career development. If parents really think of their children from their shoes, they should give them freedom to choose their dream jobs.

sherryzhangh

你写的太好了, 拜读,可惜我不会改. 我的语法太滥了. 还是给你加油吧!

丰碑无语Yee

Do you want your children to do similar jobs with you?

    Finding a job is never an easy work. At present, every youngster is dreaming of a decent job that can offer them both good salary and developmental opportunities. However, under the background of economic crisis and city explosion, competition among job hunters becomes increasingly fierce. Thus, it's formidable to find a job, not to mention an ideal job. Under such circumstance, it's not hard for us to imagine why parents are so eager for leading their children to the career path they have gone through. It sounds like a perfect solution. But parents, in my opinion, should not interfere too much on their children's career choices.（开头我觉得写得很好啦，）

 On the one hand, children will not be able to develop independently if they do similar jobs with their parents. As we all know, parents always think that since they have affluent work experience on the field that you are working in, you should listen to their advice, which can benefit you a lot in their eyes. For instance, they will keep reminding you of something you should notice to avoid mistakes. So unfortunately, you are deprived of the chances of exploring ways to improve and learning from mistakes. Deep reflection by oneself is a more effective way of learning and progressing than the suggestion by others. Some people may rebut my standpoint by saying that the children whose parents do similar jobs with them are more accessible to some resources like networks, and thus are more likely to succeed. But more often, people tend not to cherish the things that they obtain easily. Also, since parents' resources are not unlimited preasure(treasure), children cannot always rely on them. Therefore, if parents want their children to develop into independent talents, they should forget about what they can offer to their children and let them do something different.

On the other hand, parents should give freedom to their children to choose the profession that they are passionate about. Everyone has his own right to make their own choice. If parents just force their children to do jobs similar to theirs, but their children have no passion for such jobs, their children would not get satisfaction from the jobs and thus have no motivation to do it well. This point is best illustrated with the example of Steve Jobs. If Paul Jobs, his father, forced him to be a car-fixer or engineer simliar(similar) to him, Steve Jobs may not be able to make such great achievements as being a leader of the Apple Company. As Steve Jobs said, you should always follow your heart. Likewise, parents should allow their children to follow their own passion. Futhurmore(Furthermore), since the world is changing, and the times are changing, the definition of promising jobs is also changing. In this new era of Internet, many novel jobs emerge. Career choices nowadays are much wider than before. Thus, children's career choices are not supposed to be confined to their parents' career.

In conclusion, forcing children to do similar jobs with parents disrupt the opportunity to cultivate their independence and ability which are prerequisites for career development. If parents really think of their children from their shoes, they should give them freedom to choose their dream jobs.

Daisy 写得真的很好，我学到了很多写作思想和方法，我的水平应该太差了，没法给你修改更多，文章也比较有逻辑性啦~

Aaaaaaangela

亲，我是那个传说的aaaaa，怕你们找不到。。。。这是我的链接。。请猛拍http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-728384-1-1.html#last

daisyの小夢想

7.12 严重超时
Colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

At present, with the fierce job-hunting competition amoung(among) college gradutes(graduates), almost all students are eager to prepare for future jobs as early as possible. Universities, the places before students enter society, is supposed to hold great and inevitable responsibility for students' future. However, whether universities should devote more to students' job preparation is still a question. From my point of view, I'm skeptical about the necessity and utility of offering more job preparing courses to students.

In general, it's of great importance for universities to provide basic job preparing courses for students. Such basic courses should involve resume writing, interview skills and career planning. Such courses not only offer students a comprehensive understanding of job hunting and career development,  but also cut down the gap between school and real social environment. Also, if students are equipped with more job hunting skills, they will have larger chance of obtaining the offers from ideal companies, which in turn helps to increace(increase) the employment rate and fame of their universities.

However, universities are not necessary to put too high value on job preparing education. This is highly related to the core value of university education. The aim of university education should not be simply confined to cultivate skillful men or women in a particular field for job market. Instead, the unique and irreplaceable mission of universities is to train responsible and independent members for the society. In this new era, our world is extremely bursting with knowledge, but people tend to rely more on such invalidated knowledge and skills than independent thinking and ture(true) exploration. If this phenomenon exacerbrates(exacerbates), the wisdom of humanity may gradually be weakened. Despite the public trend, universities students should be the ones who can maintain indepence(independence). Likewise, in universities, the mode of education should not be like infusing knowledge to students, but like teaching them how to get knowledge by themselves, how to detect what is sophistical, and to discard what is irrelevant. Once universities fulfill their goals and students are equipped with the above abilities, no more job preparation courses would be needed, for students can master job hunting skills and explore career goals on their own.

Futhermore(Furthermore), future companies can offer better job preparation to students than universities. It’s difficult for universities to provide appropriate job preparation, since the career goals of students varied from person to person. Under such circumstance, what universities can provide is basic training which does not have any job and industry preference. So no matter how hard universities tried, it’s impossible to provide in-depth training. Therefore, the reponsibilities(responsibilities) of training future employees should be landed more on companies, which undoubtedly know their own needs better and have more efficient and in-depth traing(training) system.

In conclusion, universities have responsibility to offer basic job preparation traing(training) to their students, but preparing students for future jobs is not university education’s pivotal aim. Its aim to cultivate timeless wisdom can help students to prepare for the future independently.

daisyの小夢想

谢谢LZ们的鼓励哈~超时写出来的东西代表性不强呜。

芒果15号

daisy写的好棒啊~~逻辑很清晰，角度也很好~~前来学习关注~~~

huluhulufei

Colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

At present, with the fierce job-hunting competition amoung(among) college gradutes(graduates), almost all students are eager to prepare for future jobs as early as possible. Universities, the places before students enter society, is supposed to hold great and inevitable responsibility for students' future. However, whether universities should devote more to students' job preparation is still a question. From my point of view, I'm skeptical about the necessity and utility of offering more job preparing courses to students. 开篇很好！

In general, it's of great importance for universities to provide basic job preparing courses for students. Such basic courses should involve resume writing, interview skills and career planning. Such courses not only offer students a comprehensive understanding of job hunting and career development, but also cut down the gap between school and real social environment. Also, if students are equipped with more job hunting skills, they will have larger chance of obtaining the offers from ideal companies, which in turn helps to increace(increase) the employment rate and fame of their universities. 此段让步，楼主论证性可更强些，如： I concede that it’s of highly importance for universities to……blablabla….After all, …..blablabla，从而使下段的however 更出彩

However, universities are not necessary to put too high value on job preparing education. This is highly related to the core value of university education. The aim of university education should not be simply confined to cultivate skillful men or women in a particular field for job market. Instead, the unique and irreplaceable mission of universities is to train responsible and independent members for the society. In this new era, our world is extremely bursting with knowledge(此句何意？), but people tend to rely more on such invalidated knowledge（作废的知识？LZ何意？） and skills than independent thinking and ture(true) exploration. If this phenomenon exacerbrates(exacerbates), the wisdom of humanity may gradually be weakened（degenerate）. Despite the public trend, universities students should be the ones who can maintain indepence(independence). Likewise, in universities, the mode of education should not be like infusing knowledge to students, but like teaching them how to get knowledge by themselves, how to detect what is sophistical, and to discard what is irrelevant. Once universities fulfill their goals and students are equipped with the above abilities, no more job preparation courses would be needed, for students can master job hunting skills and explore career goals on their own. 此段论证教育的主旨和目的是为了人们independent ，以至于master skills on their own。但前后逻辑有confuse的地方。

Futhermore(Furthermore), future companies can offer better job preparation to students than（what）universities(do). It’s difficult for universities to provide appropriate job preparation, since the career goals of students varied from person to person. Under such circumstance, what universities can provide is basic training which does not have any job and industry preference(从何而来？第二段并无此论证，LZ是否说得太绝对？用hardly是否更好一些？). So no matter how hard universities tried, it’s impossible to provide in-depth training. Therefore, the reponsibilities(responsibilities) of training future employees should be landed more on companies, which undoubtedly know their own needs better and have more efficient and in-depth traing(training) system.（此句很好）

In conclusion, universities have responsibility to offer basic job preparation traing(training) to their students, but preparing students for future jobs is not university education’s pivotal aim. Its aim to cultivate timeless wisdom can help students to prepare for the future independently. 总结很到位。



LZ 写作功底很好，尤其是语言的运用（语言功底颇为深厚！），看得出来是有底蕴的，用词精准，语法无误。
只是有些语句说得过于绝对，逻辑方面也有待改善。如果能再运用一些例子（生活中即可）就更好了！

sang824

Colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

At present, with the fierce job-hunting competition amoung(among) college gradutes(graduates), almost all students are eager to prepare for future jobs as early as possible. Universities, the places before students enter society, is are supposed to hold great and inevitable responsibility for students' future. However, whether universities should devote more to students' job preparation is still a question. From my point of view, I'm skeptical about the necessity and utility of offering more job preparing courses to students.

In general, it's of great importance for universities to provide basic job preparing courses for students. Such basic courses should involve resume writing, interview skills and career planning. Such courses not only offer students a comprehensive understanding of job hunting and career development,  but also cut down the gap between school and real social environment. Also, if students are equipped with more job hunting skills, they will have larger more chance of obtaining the offers from ideal companies, which in turn helps to increace(increase) the employment rate and fame of their universities.

However, universities are not necessary to put too high value on job preparing education. This is(感觉指代不是很明了) highly related to the core value of university education. The aim of university education should not be simply confined to cultivate skillful men or women in a particular field for job market. Instead, the unique and irreplaceable mission of universities is to train responsible and independent members for the society. In this new era, our world is extremely bursting with knowledge, but people tend to rely more on such invalidated knowledge and skills than independent thinking and ture(true) exploration. If this phenomenon exacerbrates(exacerbates), the wisdom of humanity may gradually be weakened. Despite the public trend, universities students should be the ones who can maintain indepence(independence). Likewise, in universities, the mode of education should not be like infusing knowledge to students, but like teaching them how to get knowledge by themselves, how to detect what is sophistical, and to discard what is irrelevant. Once universities fulfill their goals and students are equipped with the above abilities, no more job preparation courses would be needed, for students can master job hunting skills and explore career goals on their own.

Futhermore(Furthermore), future companies can offer better job preparation to students than universities. It’s difficult for universities to provide appropriate job preparation, since the career goals of students varied from person to person. Under such circumstance, what universities can provide is basic training which does not have  without any job and industry preference. So no matter how hard universities tried, it’s impossible to provide in-depth training有点绝对. Therefore, the reponsibilities(responsibilities) of training future employees should be landed more on companies, which undoubtedly know their own needs better and have more efficient and in-depth traing(training) system.

In conclusion, universities have responsibility to offer basic job preparation traing(training) to their students, but preparing students for future jobs is not university education’s pivotal aim. Its aim to cultivate timeless wisdom can help students to prepare for the future independently.

DaiC的用词和语法都没什么可挑剔的，逻辑很很清晰，以我的水平提不出什么更好的建议
唯一不足就是全篇都在说理，看下来很晕，比如中间段，我觉得一个简单的例子能有效清晰的表达.
DaiC有那么好的成绩了还要刷分呢...