免费作文修改［你的坚持，我的善意］

lavenderws · 发表于 2015-4-21 22:44:33

福利来到～

作为曾经的留学论坛的受惠者，我也深切地知道求学过程中的辛苦。
教书四年多，是时候回报了。
最近空了些，所以在这里开一个贴，免费给大家改一改托福作文吧。

托福，作为一种语言测试，说到底也是词汇＋语法。
所以除了修改作文外，我还给大家提供一些高质量的语言素材。
如果大家学习得不错，我也给大家布置一些作业。帮助大家循循渐进地提升。

但是老师时间也有限。这里的修改作文都是在正常工作之外劳动。
所以也请同学们也珍惜机会。

我每天挑选1篇作文。
重点修改，1. 文段展开；2. 词汇乱用；3. 中式流水句。4.语法错误。

ps：我之前上传了一个我总结的地道写作语料素材。管理员能出来说一下，为啥给我删了么？
pps: 管理员一直没有回复我。大家可以加公众微信号：evaessay 收听最新素材。

ppps: 最近改了几个同学的作文。发现在论坛上的同学，成绩都还可以。大多卡在20～22分。没有太大语法错误，就是词汇，句型太过简单。不知解题，论证为何物。所以拿着稍微难一点地题目，就容易跑题。这对以后要考sat,gre的影响很大了！
这个时候你们再继续练一下，也只是重复自己已有的内容。提升不大。
所以我决定开一个“托福写作团”，每天分享一点写作素材，再布置适应的题目，大家有针对地学习＋练习。
有感兴趣的同学，请在我的公众微信号：evaessay 上回复我。

lavenderws · 发表于 2015-4-21 22:45:40

给大家看一个样本：提升语言质量＝＝》使用地道的语料，精准的词汇。

first of all, the government can help people to solve the environment problem. the reason why some rivers are clean is that the government cleaners to clean on a daily basis. for example, there was a lot of rubbish floated on the surface of the Pearl River. then the government sent some peopole to check it. not only did they use their cameras to take some photos about the pollution river, but also use their bottles to bring a little dirty water to their labors to check. after a few day, the professional cleaners began to drive their little boats to make some rubbish get out of the river. and they also put a mount of chemistry stuff into the river. needless to say, the Pearl River was gradullay cleaner finally. so they government can help peopl to solve the environment problem.

这是一个中学生写的作文。思路很狭窄，所以内容很简单，词汇也很重复。所以这样分数也只有15分。只能加入素材！加入：conserve environment, curb pollution, monitor water-quality; shut down; petrochemical plants; dump waste water into river.

first of all, the government can help people to solve the environment problem. the reason why some rivers are clean is that the government cleaners to clean on a daily basis－－改成invest heavily to conserve its once polluted environment/curb pollution. for example, there was a lot of rubbish floated on the surface of the Pearl River，the second longest river in China[加入同位语]. then the government sent some peopole to check－monitor it. not only did they use their cameras to take some photos about the pollution river, but also use their bottles to bring a little dirty water to their labors to check-->but also establish relevant agency to administrate the river/water-quality monitoring bureaus with a total of 31 billion yuan. after a few day, the professional cleaners began to drive their little boats to make some rubbish get out of the river. and they also put a mount of chemistry stuff into the river--furthermore, the government also shut down approximately 20 petrochemical plants along the river, which previously can leach or simply dump whatever polluted wastewater into the river. needless to say, the Pearl River was gradullay cleaner finally. so they government can help peopl to solve the environment problem.

这样语言质量就好很多。

所以即便是你们的作文没有选上，也可以从其他人的作文中学习到很多。

我也总结了我的语料素材库，需要的请联系我。

加油！［你的坚持，我的善意］

songyu0905 · 发表于 2015-4-22 22:12:05

顶楼主！

sudao2006 · 发表于 2015-4-23 10:39:39

感谢楼主。赞一个。

一下是我的TPO 33 独立写作练习。套用了很多模板。目标27，但我知道现在离目标还远，所以请多多指教。。。
---
Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

When teachers assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than wehn they are asked to work alone on porjects.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
---
Whether students would learn much more effectively on a project which must be worked together than a project that they are asked to work alone has become a hot debate recently among university students. When it comes to this issue, people's opinions differ from person to person, culture to culture. Those who think people work more effectively when they are working together claim that working with other people makes them more likely to come up with a creative solution as various people have various ideas. Others, on the other hand, argue that working alone can boost efficiency since there is no disturbance from other persons. On a personal level, I believe that working together with classmates and colleges can make us more productive.

There is not shortage of reasons why collabrating with others can be more productive. Head and shoulders above all others is that discussion between a group will make them better understand the problem and various ideas from different people are more likely to generate a creative solution. First of all, people might not fully aware of all problems in a project, and each person might only concentrate on one or two aspects of it. After discussing the project with other group members, people can analysing problems in more different angles. To name but one example, when my sister Jenny got a project about environmental protection last year, she only concentrate on the air and water pollusion at first. But after she dicussed with her classmates, she began to realise that there are other types of pollusions, such as white noise and light, which can also be extremely harmful to people health. In addition, when analysing solutions provided by different people, it is more likely that some of the solutions might be very creative.

Another popular reasons frequently cited by people who support working together is the fact that people are more likely to spend time on the project as everyone else in the group is doing so. When working alone, students might distracted by something else, whereas when working with other group members, people will gether together and engage in the group discussion. According to a recent survey conducted by Prof. Green's research group from University of Sydney, the percentage of students who finish their projects before deadline when working in a group is 30% higher than when they work alone.

Judging from all evidence offered above, we can safely come to the conclusion that working together in a group is more efficient than working alone. Only in this way can we ensure that we understand the problem fully, our idea is novel and our efficiency is higher. In future, I hope more and more teachers will assign projects that need to be done by a group of students.

(450 words)
---
以下是TPO32 综合写作部分。

This reading passage illustrates three reasons why sailors in Russian submarines patrolling the North Alantic and Arctic Ocean would occasionally hear strange sounds, which they call 'quackers' and seemed to be moving very fast and undetectable by submarines' sonar, between 1960s and 1980s. The professor's lecture deals with the same problem. However, she says there are certain problems with the three possible reasons cited in the reading passage.

To begin with, even though the reading passage suggests that the strange noise might come from male and female ocra whales' call during a courtship ritual, the professor clams that it is highly unlikely to be ocra whales. This is because although ocra whales are known to inhabit the areas where submarines were picking up noises, they are living on the surface of the ocean, whereas submarines are normally deep in water. In addition, they can be detected by submarines' sonar.

Furthermore, despite the statement in the reading passage that the noise could be caused by giant squids, which are gaint marine invertebrates that live deep in the ocean and prey on large fish, the professor contends that it is also not likely to be them. She support her point with the fact that reports for these strange noises started around 1960s and stopped around 1980s, while griant squids have been living in the ocean until now. If those noises were from griant squids, they wouldn't stop being reported after 1980s.

As a final point, the author of the reading passage claims that the third possible objects of noises might be other submarines that are not detectable by Russian submarines, while the professor asserts that it is again not likely to be submarines. She proves the argument of reading passage is indefensible by point out that submarines during that time can not travel change their direction so fast. Moreover, submarines generates noise from their engines, which can be detected by sonar system of Russian submarines.

(320+ words)

Thanks a lot

lavenderws · 发表于 2015-4-24 00:02:32

please, please!不要再用模板句了。ok?
有那个时间，还不如静下心来根据托福的话题，多背一些地道的词汇和素材。

整体文段，词汇重复，句子结构简单，甚至还出现了跑题！！！

加油吧！

先补充一些词汇：

关于合作的词汇：cooperation; collaborate；band together; collective; achieve a shared goal；collective. adj.
关于不利于合作的形容人的词汇： self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied.
投入：devote all of themselves/keep their mind on/be absorbed in

Whether students would learn much more effectively on a project which must be worked together than a project that they are asked to work alone has become a hot debate recently among university students.［真的，如果想要得高分，真的不要照抄原题目，使用这种模板句了。第一句的作用只是来引入题目：］ When it comes to this issue, people's opinions differ from person to person, culture to culture. Those who think people work more effectively when they are working together claim that working with other people makes them more likely to come up with a creative solution as various people have various ideas. Others, on the other hand, argue that working alone can boost efficiency since there is no disturbance from other persons. On a personal level, I believe that working together with classmates and colleges can make us more productive.

今天重点来说一下开头段吧：背景＋争论＋自己的观点。
“背景”的目的只是用来引入“争论”；“争论”是用来引入“自己观点”。
所以“背景”可以写－－－合作是被普遍认为一项很高效率的事情。＝＝＝》“争论”，所以很多教育家和父母都在争论，是否也应该让学生也尽量多地跟其他同学合作来完成老师布置的任务。＝＝》“自己的观点”。。。。

改成：everyone must have at least once expercisied working on teams in which everyone energetically collaborates with one another, and the results are spectacular. therefore some educators and parents are arguing whether should intorduce cooperation to children's assignment as much as possible. as for me, i side with the former/the latter for higher efficiency.

There is not shortage of reasons why collabrating with others can be more productive. Head and shoulders above all others is that discussion between a group will make them better understand the problem［？？？］ and various ideas from different people are more likely to generate a creative solution. First of all, people might not fully aware of all problems in a project, and[and表示的逻辑关系太弱了] each person might only concentrate on one or two aspects of it. After discussing the project with other group members, people can analysing problems in more different angles.[ 逻辑关系太弱了。 limited by one's own background/knowledge/perspective, students may have to waste a long time before analysing problem from the whole picture. students are too restricted by their own knowledge/experience to analyse problem from the whole picture, which collective activities can easily avoid. To name but one example, when my sister Jenny got a project about environmental protection last year, she only concentrate on [重复：focus on] the air and water pollusion at first. But after she dicussed with her classmates, she began to realise that there are other types of pollusions, such as white noise and light, which can also be extremely harmful to people health. In addition, when analysing solutions provided by different people, it is more likely that some of the solutions might be very creative.

这段解释和例子明显跑题啊！应该是productive & efficient, 怎么最后变成了creative?

Another popular reasons frequently cited by people who support working together is the fact that [真是不要用模板了] people are more likely to devote all of themselves/keep their mind on/be absorbed in= spend time on the project as everyone else in the group is doing so . When working alone, students might distracted by something else［这个要写一点具体内容，体现你的词汇量：alluring video games/twitter；］, whereas when working with other group members, people will gether together and engage in the group discussion. ［太罗嗦了，没有给出新的内容啊。a student whose mind easily get absent would become embarrased if others have to wait for him.］According to a recent survey conducted by Prof. Green's research group from University of Sydney, the percentage of students who finish their projects before deadline when working in a group is 30% higher than when they work alone.

Judging from all evidence offered above, we can safely come to the conclusion that working together in a group is more efficient than working alone. Only in this way can we ensure that we understand the problem fully, our idea is novel and our efficiency is higher. In future, I hope more and more teachers will assign projects that need to be done by a group of students.

lavenderws · 发表于 2015-4-24 00:03:39

再贴一个《哈佛商业评论》里面关于合作的文章。学习一下跟合作相关的词汇和内容。

I have worked on many teams in which we dutifully did our jobs, and the group fulfilled its objectives. And then I have worked on other teams in which everyone energetically collaborated with one another, and the results were spectacular. Not only did we surpass our goals, we also thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from that process as individuals.

In other words, there’s a world of difference between merely working together and truly collaborating with one another. Collaborative activity is the “secret sauce” that enables teams to come up with innovative new products or creative, buzz-worthy marketing campaigns. But people can also collaborate creatively around a seemingly mundane project — like the installation of a new accounting package — and use that initiative to transform the way in which an organization does business.

Achieving true collaboration — in which the whole is definitely more than the mere sum of the individual parts — is difficult in any environment. People have to set aside their egos, trust one another, and share their expertise willingly. In a virtual workplace, collaboration can be all the more difficult to attain, especially when team members work for different companies, are essentially strangers to one another, and have different cultural and professional backgrounds. We have interviewed a number of researchers on this topic and have also studied dozens of virtual teams, some that possessed that magic of collaboration and numerous others that didn’t. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned.

sudao2006 · 发表于 2015-4-24 09:23:22

感谢lz的修改和建议，我照这个思路再多练几篇

GMAT猎手 · 发表于 2015-4-25 20:14:07

两次托福写作都是22遇到瓶颈了，请楼主指点一二，感激！

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Society benefit more from works of great artists than from political leaders.

To determine what kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many aspects of these occupations into consideration. As for artists and political leaders, I prefer political leaders to be the more beneficial occupation. Although there are many advantages for artists to devote themselves into the social development, I insist that theses advantages will not be comparable to the merits of the political leaders.
To begin with, it is the political leaders who can guarantee the development of the society. When it comes to the development of a country, the most important thing is the policy of the country. A policy of a society contributes to the social, economic, and cultural development of that society. Undoubtedly, political leaders do influence a large quantity of people by issuing a policy, which could benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, where there are conflicts, there are political leaders. There is a tendency that the globalization enforces all the counties in the world to stand side by side, and under that circumstance, political leaders are busy handling the relationships with each other. In other worlds, political leaders can ensure the safety of the world, leading the continuous growth of the world.
There is another fact we can not ignore: political leaders build the fundamental elements for artist to finish a masterpiece. As we all know that artists need finance support from government, and political leaders can support them in some degree. There are more and more special and valuable buildings designed by artists, we can not imagine that without the support of government, what will be the destiny of these buildings. There are also many art schools supported by government; therefore, more and more students can get better education in these schools, which help these students to be a real artists in the future. And political leaders take the responsibility of the development of art in a society.
To sum up, compared with artists, political leaders contribute to the society development more. It is the truth that political leaders are indispensable in a society and that they can also support artists’ work in some ways. Hence, I hold the opinion that society benefits more from political leaders.

lavenderws · 发表于 2015-4-25 23:01:50

To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many aspects of these occupations［删去］ into consideration. As for artists and political leaders, I prefer political leaders to be the more beneficial occupation－－［罗嗦：i believe politcial leaders are obviously superior to artists. ］. Although there are many advantages for artists to devote themselves into the social development--there are also many advantages artists bring to society[注意一下这两句的区别], I insist that theses advantages will not be comparable to the merits－those of the political leaders.

从这一段来看，句法还是差一些。表达上还是有罗嗦。
再升级一个倒桩句型：adj./n.+ as/though+ s +v, s +v. o.
==> advantages as artists also birng to our society, i still believe that....

To begin with, it is the political leaders who can guarantee the development of the society. When it comes to the development［重复＝＝progress］ of a country, the most important thing is the policy of the country. A policy of a society[==知道代词是干嘛用的吗？it ] contributes to the social, economic, and cultural development of that society. Undoubtedly, political leaders do influence a large quantity of people by issuing a policy, which could benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, where there are conflicts, there are political leaders. There is a tendency that the globalization enforces all the counties in the world to stand side by side, and under that circumstance, political leaders are busy handling the relationships with each other. In other worlds, political leaders can ensure the safety of the world, leading the continuous growth of the world.

从这段来看，语言重复很多。主要是内容写得很空泛。没有体现出词汇的多样性。句型也很简单。

There is another fact we can not ignore: political leaders build the fundamental elements for artist to finish a masterpiece. As we all know that artists need finance support from government, and political leaders can support them in some degree. There are more and more special and valuable buildings designed by artists, we can not imagine that without the support of government, what will be the destiny of these buildings. There are also many art schools supported by government; therefore, more and more students can get better education in these schools, which help these students to be a real artists in the future. And political leaders take the responsibility of the development of art in a society.

there be 句型／more and more 重复。

To sum up, compared with artists, political leaders contribute to the society development more. It is the truth that political leaders are indispensable in a society and that they can also support artists’ work in some ways. Hence, I hold the opinion that society benefits more from political leaders.

整篇文章的逻辑内容没有大问题。
主要是内容太泛，导致词汇和句型都一直在重复，不具体。

要举例举例啊！！

补充政府的词汇
政府拨款：allocate. v. subsidize. v.
make/adopt/introduce / enact/implement appropriate law
或者见我二楼的素材：政府治理污染。－－》这个素材也可以用在政治领导者的好处。
establish relevant agency to administrate the river/water-quality
invest heavily to curb pollution

这些跟 political leader;government 相关的具体内容，才是体现出自己词汇量的地方啊！才是高分的样子啊！

同学，我建议你第一步还是先背一些有实际用处的素材吧。

这个地方有我的素材汇总。
http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-17126240-1-1.html

xacgshw · 发表于 2015-4-25 23:43:15

楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也请大虾们指点！
Topic: 1. Students today are less interested in politics.
It is undoubtedly that politics has always been the core of human society not only for those directly engaged politicians, but also everyone in the society because it paves the foundation for all other social-economic sectors. This is especially true for sensitive and unstable period such as the World War, the Cold War as well as mass social movement periods. Knowing this, students in the past were passionate to take part in and discuss political issues, either these hot news happening on the other side of the world, or voting campaign in their student union. However, with the elapse of time, the general interests of students today are seemingly different. To some extent, a considerable proportion of them even clearly state their reluctance to be engaged in politics. Although complicated, it is still essential to find what underlie this trend.
First, generally peaceful international circumstance has already caused students to have neglected the importance of politics (subtheme). Based on studies carried out by a group of prominent historians and sociologists, 5 percent of recorded human history, a very surprisingly small proportion, is devoid of war. Therefore those well-known students’ activities such as May 4th movement in 1919 were actually occurring at times when the entire world was at unstable settings. In today’s world, although regional conflicts including the ceaseless war in the Middle East are reported every day, most of the earth is in a relatively peaceful environment. Countries such as China has even enjoyed stable political environment for rapid economic growth for over three decades. For students from these countries, politics inevitably gives way to other relevant issues in their lives such as class grades, personal love, or potential job hunting at most.
Furthermore, teachers, an important source to have students cultivate the interest in politics, are more reluctant to bring too much political issues into class discussion (subtheme). While in the past teachers’ performance was not so much judged by student’s performance in exams, teachers currently are facing dramatically greater pressure imposed by the authorities to get students’ scores elevated so that, on the one hand, schools will have increasingly better fame and consequently more parents will send their children to the specific school; on the other hand, teachers themselves will have better chance to get higher salaries. Hence, driven by this realistic goal, teachers would unavoidably try their best to focus on classes themselves without trying other educational strategies including seemingly irrelevant political issue discussions.
Last but not the least, the intense stress that students will be encountered with has spared them with little time to care about political topics irrelevant with their lives (subtheme). Nowadays, more educational certificates and higher educational background to help students be more competitive and outstanding with other job applicants have taken up most of students’ time, therefore in the meantime, have obstructed students to be engaged in politics. (Background) On this background, the majority of students would probably invest precious time into egalitarian fields such as language training, computer knowledge and skill. (Countermeasure) Therefore, considering the dilemma students are facing with about whether to broaden their political sense or enhance technical skills, it is understandable that they choose the latter. (Conclusion)
All in all, politics, although as important as is used to be, has gone beyond nowadays students’ top concerns for realistic considerations of all parties engaged.

免费作文修改［你的坚持，我的善意］

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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免费作文修改［你的坚持，我的善意］