免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

lavenderws

liteng2125 发表于 2015-8-17 09:46
希望NN指点迷津！
题： Do  you  agree  or  disagree:  students  who  keep  their  rooms  ne ...

整个内容比较好，也有亮点的表达；


但是论证方法太简单，都是个人例子。所以词汇句型比较重复，啰嗦。

增加 表达多样性的 最好方式：增加内容！


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希望NN指点迷津！
题： Do  you  agree  or  disagree:  students  who  keep  their  rooms  neat  and organized  will  be  more  likely  to  succeed  than  students  who  do  not.

Recently there is a popular topic among students:is the habit of keeping the rooms neat and organized related to success? The answers vary from one person to another. Some hold that this habit is beneficial for-to success, while the others do not think so--think otherwsie. From my perspective, students keeping their rooms clean and organized are more likely to be successful than the ones who do not have the habit--内容重复了：i side with the former.. My viewpoint is based on following reasons.

In the first place, students keeping their rooms clean and well organized tend to do things in  good order. They will bring this habit into their work and study, which allows them to work and study efficiently. Thanks to the habit of making things in order, students are more likely to achieve a goal step by step, instead of wasting time thinking and confusing. My friend Jeff serves as a perfect example. As an university student, Jeff,after getting up in the morning, used to sweep the floor of the dormitory, open the windows to get fresh air, and put the books together on his desk. With this habit even－till today, Jeff becomes the manager of a investment bank ,-句号 the success attributes to［不错］ his scheduled lifestyle for the simple reason that－－啰嗦了。because the works in a investment bank are so complex that you have to finish them in good order. 其实可以再具体一点。没有很好的展开 It seems clear to me that the habit of keeping things in order increases the possibility of success［不错］.

Second, a student who often cleans up his or her room is usually self-disciplined and self-discipline－which is an essential character shared by almost all successful people. And cleaning the rooms is a good start for students to overcome laziness. For instance, my brother Ted was lazy and always left home with his room messy. This weakness was everywhere in--换种高级表达tainted his life, work and study, which made him fail to pass the exams and delayed his promotion. When he realized the importance of getting this weakness away, Ted started from making his room tidy. Though boring and tiring,--语法错误:主语不一致，不能随便省略：boring and tiring as the task was he insists on-时态 the habit for several months and becomes more diligent and hardworking in his life, which allows him to 句型太过简单。his life was totally transformed. among the most extremes: passing the exams and get promotion. So, it is the habit of keeping the room tidy that benefits Ted’s success.[强调句，不错！]

Admittedly, a good habit turns out to be an obstacle if one pays excessive attention to it. For example, what if a person spends majority of his or her time on cleaning the room and keeps anyone from ruining his room? It is impossible for this person to have a good management of time and strengthen social relationship. However, this problem would never happen if we keep the habit in a reasonable range. Therefore, I still believe that the habit of keeping rooms clean and organized has a lots to do with being successful.

Thus, with the benefits mentioned above, such as managing life in order and making students self-disciplined, keeping rooms tidy and well organized aids students achieving success.

lavenderws

Maximus1993 发表于 2015-8-17 10:16
正在练习TPO22独立写作，麻烦楼主帮看看
topic: Teacher should not make their social and political vie ...

内容还可以；但是文段展开没有相关方法，比较打掉。


就是句型太重复简单了。
并列句用了太多；高级的省略句，倒装，虚拟等等没有出现。


还有些语法错误。


提升自己的语言表达，和学习更地道的写作内容和表达，欢迎加入我的托福写作团：微信公众号：evaessay.






正在练习TPO22独立写作，麻烦楼主帮看看
topic: Teacher should not make their social and political views known to students in classroom

While it may be true that the teacher share his or hers view of society and politics in the class do have some benefits, its negative effects surpass its value. In fact, I would contend that it’s reasonable to refrain teachers to express their social and political view in the class.

Hardly could we deny that, teachers’ demonstrating their views over politic and society do have very good informative use. Especially when student now are largely focusing on the academic learning, sports and computer games, they should be kept informed about the issues of the society and political events. And the teacher’s expression and views regarding these issues are proper way to drag student’s attention from the recreation and help them to develop a good habit to care about the society and political issues. My math teacher usually gave--shared his feeling about the political news in class, and he encourage us to spend more time on knowing the world rather than waste on the computer games.

However we can’t recklessly say that it is safe to make teacher to feel free to express their thought about the social issues. Such behaviors will take up the proper-golden time which originally should be used to teach and stress--impart the knowledge and points on the class, which will help--helping[句型变化一下] students better their understanding and help them［删去］ get a good grades. In fact, according the recent research, about 65 percent of teacher and professors like to share their view about social issues during the class. And 80 percent of them has influenced the regular teaching process［很重复了］. At the same time, Classroom is a place mainly for academic learning. Teachers’ over－－excessive devotion into expressing their feeling and view about social issues will definitely bother teaching efficiency. These talk and conversation are welcome after class.

Meanwhile, for students who have not get enough judgement, the teachers’ view tend to bias their thought. Teacher’s expressions only stand for one kind of view, however it is easily accepted and agreed by the students. Students views their teachers to be authoritive, and actually being--语法错误(are ) compressed to take the views they don’t even sense. Thus, the students abilities to think by themselves, which is the most precious virtue, will be harmed.

Based on the reasons I presented above, I hold the view that although with some benefits, teachers’ expressions about their views regarding political and social issues should be banned in class.

lavenderws

今天就修改到这里。
明天继续给大家改哈～

shayc

题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching method is not right.



A renowned professor in China has said:” Teacher is the engineer of soul of human beings.” It’s universally acknowledged that Education do play a vital role in the development of human beings. If the education is considered as a process of building, then the method of teaching will be the way how teachers design and construct the building, thus determining how solid it is when wind and rain crushing it and when flooding it. So in my view it is necessary for parents to express their disagreements when they find the teaching method is wrong.

First of all, mistakes should be corrected before things get worse. If parents keep silent when they find their children are instructed incorrectly, students who have not formed perfect values yet and who are not capable to distinguish right from wrong might result in a bad performance by the wrong method. For example, my math teacher in my middle school always assigned too much homework for us and she would tear up our papers once our performance did not meet her requirements, thus pushing us so rapidly and heavily that we began to feel stress and pressure at that time. However, even though our parents did not appreciate her, no one standed out to communicate with her until one of my classmate finally had mental disease. So wrongdoings halted early may ultimately lead to a reduction in future cost.

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher, just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home. Actually, we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents. I remember that my little cousin, who is still in primary school, refuted her mother using her teacher’s words. Her pet phrase is my teacher has said , which bothers her mother at some level. In this situation, of course we feel lucky if the teacher behaves well and right, otherwise, it is a disappointment. Students’ development, which can not be restarted, should be taken seriously.

However, whether the teaching method is right or wrong depends on lens through which one is looking. The definition of right teaching method has never been reached a consensus. If a parent, whose child is a typical student, disagrees with teaching method, especially when it is proper for most of the other students to apply this method, he or she should not blame this on teachers.

In short, no matter expressing or not, parents and teachers share the same destination that children can thrive with proper education healthily. As parents, they are responsible to prevent children from being misled by a serious of unsuitable teaching methods, which may have a thoughtful and long-term influence on children’s life.



求批>0<~~谢谢LZ啦～～～～

lavenderws

caspar_lee 发表于 2015-8-18 20:20
TPO1 独立写作 “体育与社会活动应不应该得到与课程和图书馆同等的资助”
Nowadays, with the enrichment o ...

整体来说，内容论证还是比较流畅的。不过分数也就22左右
1. 用词不太准确；比较简单。
2. 一般普通句型（主从；并列；单句）表熟练。
3. 但是，高级句型－虚拟语气用错。


所以需要要进入相关的句型提升。增加亮点。


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TPO1 独立写作 “体育与社会活动应不应该得到与课程和图书馆同等的资助”

Nowadays, with the enrichment of sports equipments and social activities, the living standard on campus has been greatly improved. Students put their energy and passion not only on studying but also on other events, and among the most popular activities sports and social activities become more concerned than before for they enhance students' general quality for the future career. As a result, some people say that sports and social activities should receive the same amount of financial support as the classes and libraries do.--引入观点不要重复题目 However, I can't totally agree their opinion.

Firstly, the most important role the universities play is a resource of equal access to knowledges, which are mostly provided through classes and libraries. The university's budget is limited, if the financial support distributed to sports and social activities increases to the equal level of that distributed to classes and libraries, it means that the quality of classes and libraries will turn down--用词不准确：be undermined. For example, my university once decided to renovate the campus gym; at first we are-时态 all excited, but later there was an announcement saying that the brand new software and database we planned to use that semester would not be available due to the inadequate financial aid.

Second, the over-excessive enrichment of sports and social activities can distract students from studying. The new things on campus can always draw people's attention, especially us students for--of our strong curiosty. Just take myself as an example, I remembered clearly that last year the university built a new photography studio for us and I stayed there day by day focusing on my photography project. By the end of the semester, when the final came, i was totally freak out and stayed up to nearly 3 am to make up the blank I left, which would not be so hard to cover if I didn't devote so much of my time in the studio.--虚拟语气时态用错。

Admittedly, sports and social activities should get certain amount of financial support, because they are major concerns now for people has paid more attention to their both physical and mental health, but they are still very personal things for not all the students join in these activities－－［句型太简单了］ , even those who are really into sports and various social activities do not tend to do these on campus. For instance, out of all my friends, only one goes to the recently renovated campus gym everyday for bodybuilding, and he says there are always few people there taking exercise. As for social activities, we have better resource off campus such as acadeturesmic and career workshops, which not only provides excellent lectures but also helps broaden our social web.

lavenderws

slave918 发表于 2015-8-16 16:03
正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree ...

明天来回复你的～

lavenderws

tianxiadiyiquan 发表于 2015-8-16 17:52
Some people think that it is an important part of a child's education to go on a field trip(for exam ...

看漏了你的作文。明天回复你～

lavenderws

nickynee 发表于 2015-8-18 23:13
准备二战托福，一战托福22，套用了模板 ，这次尝试抛弃模板，感谢楼主，希望能帮忙修改
Question: Always t ...

差不多也是22分左右的样子。
看得出来受过一些训练／或者自己背过一些理论。
但是落到实处，最体现个人功力的具体论证上就露馅了。


重点在论证上：1. 总观点有些跑题。证明是否 “最重要”
                      2. 分论点上，无论是个人例子还是数据，都说得很泛泛，最直接的表现：凡是词汇和句型在重复，就是没有在具体论证，写得还不够具体


对于写作内容的提升。我认为没有具体素材的输入，以你们有限的认知，写出来就是你这样。。很简单的，很重复的。。。
可以关注我的公众微信号：evaessay; 学习写作素材；也可以加入我的托福写作团哦～




准备二战托福，一战托福22，套用了模板 ，这次尝试抛弃模板，感谢楼主，希望能帮忙修改
Question: Always telling truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people

Nowadays ,as more and more people live in the cities and we are much more closed with strangers than any previous time in the history. Then ,someone would make the question that the truth is not so much worthier than before, as people are strangers and have no responsibilities to always tell truth in order to maintain the relationship with other. However, no matter how the society trend has changed, the principle is still clear that telling lie will broke any social relationship , and the truth is precise－valuable like the gold. Therefore, this essay will tell the importance of telling the truth in the society aspect and in the family aspect.--[其实已经跑题。题目是说“说真话是不是最重要的”－－你的观点是“说一下真话的重要性”]

First of all, the most serious consequence of telling a lie is that you will lose others trust. The trust of other people is definitely a key factor for living in the society. Once you tell a lie and［删去］ the lie ［you tell 尽量减少使用and; 多用不同的连词，体现对从句的掌握］ is exposed, you can never be back to the former state and no longer be the upright and trust-worthy person in their eyes. The criteria is quite important when people build relationship［不错］ with others in the society＝＝提升一下：用词更加精准；applys to any relationship such as the employee-employer relationship, the business relationship ,the partner relationship, etc. My father put his career in the decoration of buildings. He has built --establish[变换词汇] a good reputation in his field because he never tell a lie to his partners and clients. Since some of the project managers trust my father very well, they even never sign a contract with my father for a project that cooperate with my father.［这句写得其实比较重复；意思也没有表达清楚。没有给出具体的更多详细的内容，所以词汇重复。］ If my father had told a lie, he would  lose－would have lost many projects let alone get a project without contract.[注意虚拟语气的时态；其实意思也没有表述明白] Therefore, telling the truth can help you won others trust, which is especially important in the business area.

Furthermore, telling truth is critical in any family relationship and love relationship. A good relationship with a family and between a couple is based on strong trust. Lying is especially harmful to any those relationship and will break the trust. To make things worse, the break of relationship will lead to the divorce of the couple and the separation of a family. As a survey shows that when those couple polled was told what is the most important factors in maintaining the relationship, containing trust, wealth, care, affection and so on, the trust ranks in the first place in the result.［注意时态；］ Therefore, we should always be careful in a family relationship to avoid tell a lie to those who we love and those who love us.

lavenderws

slave918 发表于 2015-8-16 16:03
正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree ...

方法用得比较熟练。
但是，词汇不够精准；一些高级句型［虚拟语气］用错。
第二个例子，论证不足。没有体现love 比honesty 好在哪里。也没有看到love.


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正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree: Always telling the truth will is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.

First, exhibiting candour is goanna really hurt your friends, families, and your lover. Honesty is really cold, and not considerable for the people that you really care about. Of course you don't want them to be painful about your honesty. For example, one of my friends, Evan, is a gay. A few years ago, he was really reluctant about whether to share his authentic felling with his parents. He wanted his parents' support, but his parents were totally traditional. His mother also had heart disease, making her fragile in front of surprises. Anyway, my friend told it－－them, but in a painful process. His parents just couldn't take that abject fact. His mother went hospital for 3 months and his father went into--fell into［用词更精准一些］ a deep depression. Although they accepted that truth in the end, this faimily made huge sacrifice. Thus, I learned from this story that always telling the truth is not the most important consideration in a relationship.

Second, love is the most important consideration in a relationship, not honesty. When you truly care about someone and want to bring him or her happiness, you will understand honesty is not the tool to make such effect. Only love can make the interaction between people harmony and happy. For instance, I have a friend, named Jack. He has been really good to me for many years. He is one of my real friends and I also care about him. However, sometimes trying to protect him, I have to make some white lie. Once he invited me to go to a dinner with him, but I didn't want to go because I enjoyed playing computer game recently－－was addicted to computer games/[用词更精准一些]. Of course, I shouldn't exhibit the candour and said the truth. I told him I was very busy, since I had a lot of works to do. If I told the truth, we might not be as close as we are now.［虚拟语气用错，对过去的虚拟：if sb. had done sth, sb. would have done. ］ Thus, honesty not means caring. People shouldn't always tell the truth.  

lavenderws

shayc 发表于 2015-8-20 11:36
题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching metho ...

思路写得有些乱。
用词不太准确；句型太重复，罗嗦。长句不是说越长越好，还是简洁，明确越好


提升自己的语言表达，和学习更地道的写作内容和表达，欢迎加入我的托福写作团：微信公众号：evaessay.

题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching method is not right.


A renowned professor in China has said:” Teacher is the engineer of soul of human beings.” It’s universally acknowledged that Education do play a vital role in the development of human beings. If the education is considered as a process of building, then the method of teaching will be the way how teachers design and construct the building, thus determining how solid it is when wind and rain crushing it and when flooding－－crush and flood it. So in my view it is necessary for parents to express their disagreements when they find the teaching method is wrong.

First of all, mistakes should be corrected before things get worse. If parents keep silent when they find their children are instructed incorrectly, students who have not formed perfect values yet and who are not capable to distinguish right from wrong might result in [导致；词语用法错误。] a bad performance by the wrong method. For example, my math teacher in my middle school always assigned too much homework for us and she would tear up our papers once－if our performance did not meet her requirements, thus pushing us so rapidly and heavily that we began to feel stress and pressure--stressed and pressured at that time. However, even though our parents did not appreciate her, no one standed out to communicate with her until one of my classmate finally had--suffered from mental disease. So wrongdoings halted early may ultimately lead to a reduction in future cost.

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher,---estrange／ruin the relationship between teachers and children just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home. Actually, we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents. I remember that my little cousin, who is still in primary school, refuted her mother using her teacher’s words. Her pet phrase is my teacher has said , which bothers her mother at some level. In this situation, of course we feel lucky if the teacher behaves well and right, otherwise, it is a disappointment. Students’ development, which can not be restarted, should be taken seriously. [这个跟你的分论点不相关啊]
However, whether the teaching method is right or wrong depends on lens through which one is looking. The definition of right teaching method has never been reached a consensus. If a parent, whose child is a typical－－naughty student, disagrees with teaching method, especially when it is proper for most of the other students to apply this method, he or she should not blame this on teachers. ［这个根你的总观点不相符啊。。。这个让步，重点是要反驳回来哦～］

In short, no matter expressing or not, parents and teachers share the same destination that children can thrive with proper education healthily. As parents, they are responsible to prevent children from being misled by a serious of unsuitable teaching methods, which may have a thoughtful and long-term influence on children’s life.