蝴蝶渡海的作文贴，让砖来的更猛烈一些吧

蝴蝶渡海 · 发表于 2012-8-19 21:32:41

8月19日
Do you agree or disagree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

There is no denying that one has to communicate with many unfamiliar faces during the business or studying or exercise. From the long terms experiences, people have summed up the key factors that influences our communication. One of them is that the way a person dressed is a good reflection about one’s character or life attitude. People from all walks of life hold different attitudes toward this issue. Some people advocate that person with fine appearance will give us a good feeling and tell us that he is fine person , while others suggest that we can’t judge one’s personality only by his clothes or face. In my view, I agree with the topic that we can get his or her character by their exteriors.

Above all, my main reason is that the first impression always makes us familiar with someone fundamentally. Though the style of the clothes or the clothes colour they dressed, we can get well know about the person’s disposition or temple. For example, we can image a situation thatwe communicate with the stranger during business or in some public activities. The guy who wear a man’s suit neatly could give you a good impression, we can easily combine “clean””tidy” or other positive words with him. In the contrary, when the guy wears a dirty sports cloth in an official party, in some extent, we always think he has a bad life habit and do not want to acquire with him. That is to say, the appearance will become an index which help us to judge someone’s personality.

What is more, once a scientific magazine publish an essay about the relationship between person’s cloth style and its personality. In that magazine, what it always focuses on is that cloth colour and cloth style can reflect person’s mind in near days. In bad mind, people usually wear dark colour with simple image, furthermore, the unglazed colour worse the bad mind simultaneous. Another important conclusion, people who is outgoing probably wears fashion clothes, they want to delivery an information that they are full of energy and want to attract others in public. Though that essay, we could know that the way a person dressed is a good indication.

Admittedly, everyone wants to have an attractive appreance and wear excellent clothes, who want to keep a good clothes style and positive attitude need to take care of it for a long time. The one who do not care about himself could not focus on others. That is horrible to work with someone who does not care others. Nevertheless, there is still a possibility that a good man with bad dressed and we need to think about a varied of reasons.

In a nutshell, taken what I have mentioned above into consideration, I definitely stand up for the topic that a person’s clothes style can reflect what kind of person who really is. During our work or life, we need to take care of our appearance and remain a good impression to others.

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-8-20 19:53:39

8月19日
Do you agree or disagree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

红色错误，蓝色建议，高亮精彩。

There is no denying that one has to communicate with many unfamiliar faces(face这个词语用的略奇怪，确定有这样的表达么？要是不确定就保险一点，people~) during the business or（,） studying or exercise.(我觉得excercise并不与business、study并列，可以去掉。) From the long terms(long-term) experiences, people have summed up the key factors that influences our communication. One of them is that the way a person dressed is a good reflection about (of)one’s character or ~~life~~attitude. People from all walks of life(神马词组哦？)hold different attitudes（attitude建议换成opinion，hold与attitude不搭，另外上一句最后一个词就是attitude，重复频率略高） toward this issue. Some people advocate that person with fine appearance will give us a good feeling and tell us that he is fine person , while others suggest that we can’t judge one’s personality only by his clothes or face. In my view, I agree with the topic that we can get his or her character by their exteriors.

Above all, my main reason is that the first impression always makes us familiar with someone ~~fundamentally~~（建议去掉，感觉用在这里没有什么意义）. Though（Through） the style of the clothes or the clothes colour(the colour of clothes) they dressed, we can get well know about the person’s disposition or temple. For example, we can image a situation thatwe communicate with the stranger during business ~~or in some public activities~~. The guy who wear ~~a man’s~~suit neatly could give you a good impression, +and we can easily combine “clean””tidy” or(and) other positive words with him. In the contrary, when the guy wears a dirty sports cloth in an official party, in some extent, we always think he has a bad life habit and do not want to acquire with him. That is to say, the appearance will become an index(index 这个比喻超级形象，赞，但是要是能改成一般现在时就更好了) which help us to judge someone’s personality.

What is more, once a scientific magazine publish an essay about the relationship between person’s cloth style and its personality（这个句子用于举例的开头还可以，但是用在第二段的开头就不合适。中间段落的第一句一般都是点出你的理由，后面再展开论述。）. In that magazine, what it always focuses on is that cloth colour and cloth style can reflect person’s mind in near days. In bad mind,（想表达神马意思？坏心情？bad mood） people usually wear dark colour with simple image, (. futhermore 是adv. 不能用来连接两个句子）Furthermore, the unglazed colour worse the bad mind simultaneous. Another important conclusion, people who is outgoing probably wears fashion clothes, they want to delivery an information that they are full of energy and want to attract others in public. Though that essay, we could know that the way a person dressed is a good indication.
（这一段整个都讲了一个essay，虽然essay的内容和主题有关，但是这样的表达不effective）

Admittedly, everyone wants to have an attractive appreance and wear excellent clothes, who（闹不明白是想要引导定语从句，还是做名词性从句。定语从句的话，先行词与引导词who太远。名词性从句的话，who前面应该用句号，want变wants） want to keep a good clothes style and positive attitude need to take care of it for a long time. The one who do（does） not care about himself could not focus on others. That is horrible to work with someone who does not care others. Nevertheless, there is still a possibility that a good man with bad dressed and we need to think about a varied of reasons.
（这个让步段说实话完全没有正确。但是瓜瓜不才，也提不出神马建设性意见。蝴蝶可以去群里问问大牛。这一段逻辑也不太行。）

In a nutshell, taken what I have mentioned above into consideration, I definitely stand up for the topic that a person’s clothes style can reflect what kind of person who really is. During our work or life, we need to take care of our appearance and remain a good impression to others.

总评：作为第一篇作文，还是不错的。
但是要改进的地方蛮多哒。
标点的错误。 or和and的作用其实还是不太一样的，有点微妙。
蝴蝶用了很多长句子，但是并不是effective and efficient的表达，有些句子完全可以不用从句表达清楚。
在中间第二段的处理和让步段的观点逻辑还需要进一步斟酌。
加油！~

蝴蝶渡海 · 发表于 2012-8-21 11:01:45

8月20日
your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

There is no denying that job is the major composition of our daily life. We human beings spend enormous time doing everyday work in order to earn money and achieve our value. Thus job has affected our daily life and brought us happiness or sadness. Some people advocate that job can bring us more happiness than our social life does. In my view, I fully supportive of the opinion that job has more effect on our happiness.

My statement can be proved by the following reasons. First of all, social life activity cannot bring us real happiness. Although social life can bring us pleasure such as playing cards with our intimate friends or accessing cinema and theater to have a movie enjoying, all of them are temporary and most of them are positive. We cannot feel any achievements and glory when the activity finished. That is to say, what social life brings us happiness is not “realistic”.

What is more, on the contrary, job has affected every aspects of our social life. During the job, one can meet the colleague with the same value or mind. One can plan a bright future and achieve the goal as the plan mentioned with our colleague. What is the most important is that we earned much money to change our life, and we can use it to buy a lot of things or make a donation to change the poor. It not only changed ourselves happiness, but also made the brightly future.

Admittedly, job has negative effect on our happiness. There will be no possibility of everything is going smoothly. It is inevitably that we will meet difficulties with so many unpleased and probably tuned our mind badly. Nevertheless, in my opinion, it is still an essential factor that make us progress.

In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that job plays a more overwhelming part when it comes to one’s happiness than social life does. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that one need have a job and enjoy it. We human beings should still dedicate ourselves to job as we can and make a better a world.

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-8-21 15:01:10

8.20独立改
There is no denying that job is the major composition(我觉得这里用element好些) of our daily life(lives主谓一致). We human beings spend enormous time doing everyday work in order to earn money and achieve our value. Thus job has affected our daily life(lives) and brought us happiness or sadness. Some people advocate that job can bring us more happiness than our social life does. In my view, I fully supportive of the opinion that job has more effect on our happiness.(这句话没有谓语。直接说I fully support the opinion…就可以了)

My statement can be proved by the following reasons. First of all, social ~~life~~(多余的)activity(用复数) cannot bring us real happiness. Although social life can bring us pleasure such as playing cards with our intimate friends or(否定句才用or) accessing cinema and theater to have a movie enjoying, all of them are temporary and most of them are positive. We cannot feel any achievements and glory when the activity finished. That is to say, what social life brings us happiness(调整下语序the happiness what social life brings us) is not “realistic”.

What is more, on the contrary,(两个连接词，取其一就行) job has affected every aspects of our social life. During the job, one can meet the colleague with the same value or mind. One can plan a bright future and achieve the goal as the plan mentioned with our colleagues(这里用复数好些). What is the most important is that we earned much money to change our life, and we can use it to buy a lot of things or make a donation to change the poor. It not only changed(gives) ourselves happiness, but also made(makes) the brightly future(bright future或者future brightly).这句时态不对。这里不是过去发生的动作，用一般时就可以了。

Admittedly, job has negative effect on our happiness. There will be no possibility of everything is going smoothly. It is inevitably that we will meet difficulties with so many unpleased and probably tuned our mind badly.(句子结构不对。And前后两个分句不是一个主语。后半句缺少主语) Nevertheless, in my opinion, it is still an essential factor that make us progress.

In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that job plays a more overwhelming part when it comes to one’s happiness than social life does. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that one need have a job and enjoy it. We human beings should still dedicate ourselves to job as we can and make a better a world.

蝴蝶有一个大问题要注意。就是句子的结构，你总是会给句子加一个多余的谓语或者缺少谓语。还有一个问题就是并列句的时候。看清前后两个分句是否是一个主语。如果不是后半句就不能省略主语。

蝴蝶渡海 · 发表于 2012-8-23 13:11:00

8月22日
parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently.

There is no denying that parents expect their children to have brightly future. They spent a plenty of time to educate their children since they were little kids. So many parents today eager to find a method that educate their children effective. From my perspective, parents should take different methods to educate children under different solutions.

My main reason is that there is no universal ways of teaching. Each child has its typical character and may meet different problems. Sometimes，Parents need to help their child to do the work, and they deserve to show as a model to demonstrate the way of solving the problems because their children really do not know how to do it . But, what parents to do are just “help” and teaching their children the key factors to solve this kind of problems. It is important that children have the ability to solve the problem in good order and effective without any help when they face it again.

In the contrary, sometimes parents encourage children to do their work independently when Child has the ability to get over the problems. For instance, parents could encourage the child to try to make the first step, and praise the kid with some gifts. And then tell the kid tries to do the next step and do it step by step until finished it. It is far more important that a valor and confident mind developed in every child’s growing process.

Admittedly, it is undoubtedly that parents have anoverwhelming influence on their children throughout their lives. They teach their children how to speak, how to behavior well in the society and how to build up their value of life. However, some parents spoil the little children and take their children’s position to do the homework. All these behaviors are obeyed the rule of what we have mentioned.

In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that parents should take various methods to educate children under different solutions. In this case, I firmly believe that parents could educate their children more excellently and provide great help to their children in their growth.

klllun · 发表于 2012-8-23 21:39:03

8月22日
parentsshould help children to do their work or encourage children to do their workindependently.

There is no denying that parentsexpect their children to have brightly future. They spent a plenty of time toeducate their children since they were little kids. So many parents today eagerto find a method that educate their children ~~effective~~ effectively. From my perspective, parentsshould take different methods to educate children under different ~~solutions~~. 用situation更合适

My main reason is that there isno universal ways of teaching. Each child has its typical character and may meet differentproblems. Sometimes，Parentsneed to help theirchild 要一致的表达their children to do the work, and they deserve to show asa models to demonstrate the way ofsolving the problems because their children really do not know how to do it( 对应的是problems，那么需要用的是them ) properly . But, what parents to do are just “help”and teaching their children the key factors to solve this kind of problems. It is important that childrenhave the ability to solve the problem in good order and effectively (这里修饰的是solve而不是problem) without any help when they faceit again.

In/ON the contrary, sometimes parentsencourage children to do their work independently when Child has the ability toget over the problems. For instance, parents could encourage the child to tryto make the first step, andpraise the kid with some gifts. And（连着的and读上去不是很舒服，可以换成in addition,这样的词语） then tell the kid tries to do the next step and do it step by step untilfinished it. It is far more important that a valor and confident minddeveloped in every child’s growing process.

Admittedly, it is undoubtedlythat parents have an overwhelming influence on their children throughout theirlives. They teach their children how to speak, how to behavior 应该用动词behave well in the society， and how to build up their valueof life. However, some parents spoil thelittle children and taketheir children’s position to do the homework. All these behaviors areobeyed the rule of what we I have mentioned.最后两句的连贯性有点问题呢？但是有的家长又溺爱了孩子。那么这些所有的行为又遵守了你所提到的规则。。。

In summary, due to theabove-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that parents should take variousmethods to educate children under different solutions. In this case, I firmly believethat parents could educate their children more excellently and provide greathelp to their children in their growth.

感觉观点有，但是少了实际的例子，充实性还要加强。
在写作方面，看得出来背了一些句子，还是很不错的。就是还要把自己的东西融汇进去，注意句式更多样一点。
修改方面自己的作文也很一般的，共同探讨呀。

蝴蝶渡海 · 发表于 2012-8-23 23:35:39

8月23日
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important thanstudying hard at school?

So fierce is the job competition today that each university graduates has to come up with thousands of ways to get a better job position. To achieve an ideal job and have a bright career future, nowadays, students train themselves very hard. Some said that the key factors to get a better job chance is related to the fine relationship with the people, while others suggest that the only way to become succeed is to studying hard at school. From my own perspective, I am strongly supportive the statement that whether you get a good job chance is settled by the degree of hard studying.

My first main statement is that a firm knowledge basis is the fundamental. During the working process, one will meet many problems about the professional knowledge which need to be settled. To avoid the embarrass that caused by the lack of professional knowledge, and we must grasp the key knowledge adroitly during the learning process at school. Take a suitable example, I major in accounting during my university learning process. When I go to a big company for a short internship, I always make interior accounting mistake that make me feel so shameful. Then I realized that having a large stable knowledge is essential to our future career success.

What is more, most of students who are studying hard at school will get a high compliment from their tutors, and those who will give the students the most cogent help will actually recommend their proud students indeed. At usual, those job chances supported by the tutor are having a promising career which is looking forward by us. Thus, there is no denying that we need to study hard at school.

Admittedly, the guy who is studying hard at school also has a good relationship with friends. But, what the good relationship is just based on the normal student relationships. It is not the important factor to influence our future career success.

In a nutshell, according to the reasons above, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the factor which influenced our future career success was settled by the hard studying. In that case, we need to study much harder than before and dedicate ourselves to achieve a bright future.

kchszy061ban · 发表于 2012-8-24 17:47:05

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
So fierce is the job competition today that each university graduates（这个不用复数吧？） has to come up with thousands of ways to get a better job position. To achieve an ideal job and have a bright career future, nowadays, students train themselves very hard. Some said（say） that the key factors to get a better job chance is related to the fine relationship with the people, while others suggest that the only way to become succeed is to（多余）studying hard at school. From my own（多余） perspective, I am strongly supportive the statement that whether you get a good job chance is settled by(determined by or settled on?) the degree of hard studying.

My first main statement is that a firm knowledge basis is the(可以去掉额，或者用名词) fundamental. During the working process, one will meet many problems about the professional knowledge which need to be settled. To avoid the embarrass that caused by the lack of professional knowledge, and（去掉） we must grasp the key knowledge adroitly during the learning process at school. Take a suitable example, I major in accounting during my university learning process. When I go to a big company for a short internship, I always make interior accounting mistakes that make me feel so shameful. Then I realized （用现在时）that having a large stable knowledge is essential to our future career success.

What is more, most of students who are studying hard at school will get a high compliment from their tutors, and those who（这里用which代替就好了） will give the students the most cogent help will actually recommend their proud students indeed. At usual, those job chances supported by the tutor are having a promising career which is looking forward by us. Thus, there is no denying that we need to study hard at school.

Admittedly, the guy who is studying hard at school also has a good relationship with friends. But, what the good relationship is just based on the normal student relationships. It is not the important factor to influence our future career success.（只说理不举例会扣分的了）

In a nutshell, according to the reasons above, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the factor which influenced（用现在时） our future career success was settled by the hard studying. In that（this） case, we need to study much harder than before and dedicate ourselves to achieve a bright future.（时态要一致）
楼主写完之后要检查下，整体结构没问题，然后每个论点，例子是否很好的支持论点。接着是时态，有没有重复说理，句式的变换和单词的多样化。句式变换前后句子不要一样。一段内句式变化要多余三个什么的。有一点是不要怕烦错误和花费时间改正。

这些都是我自己的看法，欢迎讨论，butterfly across the sea

蝴蝶渡海 · 发表于 2012-8-25 14:38:38

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.

Every day, every hour, and even every minute, colossal amounts of people watch movies or televisions all over the world. Some advocate that these behaviors are such “illness” and badly influence young people behaves, while others suggest that watching television or movies are beneficial to young people. From my perspective, I am fully supportive of the opinion that Movies and television have more positive effects.

Above all, my main reason is that according to watching TV or movies, we could get a good understanding of our county, our society, or even the whole world. The full of knowledge will be adopted by us though the TV or movies. Now just image a situation that we are watching TV in the living room, when we choose the nation’s culture channel, thus, there are many contents coming to our eyes and ears. In other words, we could just sit at chairs and travel all over the world. That is amazing, isn’t it?

What is more, at present, every family has its daily family talk. We always talk about movies or TV to promote family affection. If you do not watch TV or movies, the talk material is absent. Recently, a scientific research shows that young people who always watch TV are more optimistic than those who do not. That is to say, young people watch TV or movies will turn confident and make daily life colorful, even changed young people disposition.

Admittedly, young people who indulge in the TV or movies are negative to their developments. It will take bad effects on their learning process that young people watch too much TV or movies. Everyone need establish its own criterion about how long they are allowed to watch. Nevertheless, I still in favor of the opinion that movies and TV have more positive effects than negative during the young people develop.

In conclusion, taken what I have mentioned above into consideration, I definitely stand up for the assertion that young people who watch TV or movies will get positive effects. Even though, too much watching will do harm to young people grow, and what we need to keep an eye on is the "limit".

jijismile · 发表于 2012-8-25 16:33:02

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Every day, every hour, and even every minute, colossal amounts of people watch movies or televisions all over the world. Some advocate that these behaviors are such “illness” and badly influence young people behaves(这个词是不是可以去掉), while others suggest that watching television or movies ~~are~~ is beneficial to young people. From my perspective, I am fully supportive of the opinion thatMmovies and television have more positive effects.

Above all, my main reason is that according to watching TV or movies, we could get a good understanding of （much information about）our county, our society, or even the whole world. The full（All kinds）of knowledge will be adopted(absorbed) by us though the TV or movies. Now just image a situation that we are watching TV in the living room, and(总是感觉这一句有另个主语，就加了个and，你参考一下吧)when we choose the nation’s culture channel, thus, there are many contents coming to our eyes and ears. In other words, we could just sit at chairs and travel all over the world. That is amazing, isn’t it?

What is more, at present, every family has its daily family talk. We always talk about movies or TV to promote family affection. If you do not watch TV or movies, the talk material is absent. Recently, a scientific research shows that young people who always watch TV are more optimistic than those who do not. That is to say, young people who watch TV or movies will turn confident and make daily life colorful~~, even changed young people disposition.~~ Even disposition of young people can be changed into much better.

Admittedly, young people who indulge in ~~the~~ TV or movies are negative to their developments. It will take bad effects on their learning process ~~that~~ while young people watch too much TV or movies. Everyone need establish ~~its~~ his own criterion about how long they are allowed to ~~watch~~(spend on watching TV or movies). Nevertheless, I still in favor of the opinion that movies and TV have more positive effects than negative during the young people develop.

In conclusion, taken what I have mentioned above into consideration, I definitely stand up for the assertion that young people who watch TV or movies will get positive effects. Even though, too much watching will do harm to (growing of) young people grow, and what we need to keep an eye on is the "limit".

最后一句话，中文就是虽然过度的观看电视会损害青年人的成长，但是我们需要注意的事情就是限制（也就是适度）感觉有点别扭，是不是这么说会好点呢虽然过度的观看电视会损害青年人的成长，只要我们能做到适度，就不会产生这样的问题。

也不知道该总结什么啊，陈述原因的第三条，指出了看电视的坏处，但是最后一句话好像转折很快，“虽然看电视不好，可我就是觉得看电视有积极的作用”如果能再说说我们可以通过什么方法减少看电视消极作用的话，是不是也许会好一些

P.S. 第一次改评别人作文，如有不妥，还望见谅

蝴蝶渡海的作文贴，让砖来的更猛烈一些吧

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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