蝴蝶渡海的作文贴，让砖来的更猛烈一些吧

birdie089123

10.14
The best way to improve the quality of educationis to increase teachers ‘salaries’.


There is no denying that teachers’（尽量别缩写） play an essential role to improve the quality of the education. Recently, some criticizers（critics用这个词是否好点，因为没在一些常用词典查到） emphasis that,due to the low salary, teachers do not have much motivation to keep a high quality of education. Is it a cogent statement? In my perspectives, I am fully supportive that opinion that （不知道that能不能省，感觉连续两that略显拗口，其实我也不是太懂）it is not the best method to improve quality ofeducation by increasing teachers’ salaries.
（我觉得直接用increasing teachers’ salaries is not the best method to ... 比较简练清晰）


To demonstrate this statement convincingly, I hold main reason is that there is no（加上necessary可能更好）correlation between teachers’ salaries and quality of education. As we all know that, teachers who care about the degrees of their students will not change their mind even the salaries decelerate（用词有问题，这是减速吧，decrease？）. They are focusing on what the level their students have understood. For example, when I was studying in high school, the average salaries of teachers are much lower than current teachers’ salaries. To my surprising, every early morning when I（we尽量用I 老美思想。他们不是社会主义，更关心自己哈哈） get into the classroom, I can notice my teacher have stood in the front of the classroom, and they work so hard without any （complaints 是不是跟贴切？）. I think previous teachers do not have any behaviors that deceiving students about the learning. （不懂这句意思）That is to say, salaries are not the crucial factors which influence the quality of education most.
感觉这段不是很有说服力，例子不是很好支持topic sentence （老师薪水与教育质量），说到这又觉得下这个结论很突然，你再斟酌一下。至少先应该讲清楚老师和教育质量的关系。


What is more, factors which influence the quality of the education have huge kinds of categories. Frankly speaking, teachers’ salaries may motive parts of teachers to work hard. ,ut（but 一般不做句首）, as far as I amconcerned, teachers only have effect on teaching student how to learn, and the key point that judging a student’s (performance?) is that whether the students eager to learn. We need to concentrate on the students’ learning mind, how to keep them in highly interest towards knowledge, and how to make their first right step independently. Thus, there is nothing to do with the teachers’salaries.
问题类似，逻辑问题，TS(topic sentence)决定quality的factor多， detail：薪水决定老师表现，老师不决定学生表现。所以我们要concentrate在学生上。仔细看detail =/=>TS

我给你一个修改的例子，我认为你写作逻辑问题比较严重：

教育质量与学生表现有关+ Salary决定老师表现 + 老师表现与学生表现无关 => salary 不能提高教学质量（即使我觉得这么写也有点欠妥，老师还是应该与quality有关的，更好的应该写一下其他的factor从反面论证，不止salary决定，应该驳斥 best way to improve）


Admittedly, with the salaries improving,some benefit could spring up. Teachers may offer some of salaries as a gift tomotive their students more diligent. However, this circumstance may not happen in every class. The benefit from increasing salaries will not behave obviously.

还是老问题，不是充分条件，你是想说出现的问题，但这个理由不是第一反应：我觉得（salary提高=>学费变贵）更容易让人接受

In summary, due to the above-mentionedreasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that increasing teachers’ salaries is not the best way to improve quality of education. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that the quality of education is not only the teachers’ duty, but also our students’ hard working to make our bright future.（句子构成有问题，1quality是老师duty，同时学生努力有好future。与主旨无关）



总结评论：

我就只指出你的毛病：

1 模版痕迹太重，很多东西可以一句话说好，不必要用像To demonstrate this statement convincingly, I holding the main reason 。。。直接写出后面的TS就行，简练而且不容易犯错。

2 论证逻辑问题，把写作文当做数学公式推导，我以前也是这样，多看看别人，多思考就明白了。

3 老不打空格，让阅卷人印象不好，有碍阅读。

4 不肯定的单词就不用，宁可用最简单的词。

蝴蝶渡海

十分感谢bird同学的倾力批改

蝴蝶渡海

11月11日
独立 It is more important to choose friends that have fun withthan to choose friends that will help you when you need them. Please usespecific details and examples to support your opinion.

The questionthat what is the real friend always confuses people’s mind. Each person has itsown criterion. In our daily life, we usually share joy or sadness with ourintimates, even to make a plan combining our own experience with friends’advice. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that various kinds of friends exiting surroundingus. Some of them just accompany with you only have with, while others can giveyou a potent support. From my perspectives, I am fully supportive of the viewthat we had better choose friends who can do us a favor when we need them.


To beginwith, as a Chinese old saying goes , ”a friend in need is a friend indeed” Whenobstacles encounter front of us in daily life and work, a real friend could bein favor of us and give us vital suggestions. With the dilemma coming, a truefriend is willing to comfort us and help us get out of trouble. For example, Ididn't play well the first time when I took part in the basketball game in highschool. During the whole competition, I made a lot of mistakes that leading ourteam lose this match. After that, I felt so depressed and blamed myself manytimes. But my friends talk a lot to encourage me out of the tough time, and thata truly friend can bring to you but not a couple of gay who want to get awayfrom you when you really need them.  

What is more, friends that will help you when youare in need also could have fun with you. It means that a friend can own bothof the characters, no conflicting between the two sides. Thus we cannotacquaint with gay who have no similar interests. In my opinion, the basis isthat friends can share similar interest, and the “real” friend can encourageyou when you are in need. A suitable example, one of my best friends, a gaynamed Ray, he always help me to get over math problem. However, we also gettogether to play cards, football or basketball game and enjoy ourselves verymuch. There are always full of laugh between he and me. Sometimes we alsoinspire each other to be a better man.

Furthermore, if all my friends which just havingfun with me, I will take much more time to get out of trouble by myself. Evenworse, they will blame on me if I make a mistakes which involved all of us.Thus, it is important that we choose the real friends.


Inconclusion, I intend to stand on the side that friends will help you when youare in need. A real friend can help you when you get trouble. A true friend notonly can help you when you are in trap, but also cherish our time which weget-together.

lizchang1990

11月11日
独立 It is more important to choose friends that have fun withthan to choose friends that will help you when you need them. Please usespecific details and examples to support your opinion.

The question that what is the real friend (貌似陈述句is放到后面吧)always confuses people’s mind(用minds,其实后面这个有点chinglish了,就直接confuses people OK了). Each person has its (可以用its? 求讨论,感觉一般人都写his or her ) own criterion. In our daily life, we usually share joy(可以用复数的) or sadness with our intimates, even to make a plan combining our own experience with friends’ advice(很少看见这种用法哦. 你这个递进关系感觉不好,the former 范围更广更深,都同甘共苦了,the latter分量感觉不足 ). Nevertheless, it is undeniable that various kinds of friends exiting surroundingus(小错误了,你这句话 我没看懂啥意思. 换表达哦~). Some of them just accompany with you only have with(后面的only have with建议去掉 ), while others can give you a potent support. From my perspectives, I am fully supportive of the view that we had better choose friends who can do us a favor when we need them.
(开头导入不错,层层衔接,有层次跟逻辑性)

To begin with, as a Chinese old saying goes , ”a friend in need is a friend indeed” (这个地方你得注意下标点符号呀,最后面要句话结尾)When obstacles encounter front of us in daily life and work,(这句建议改了,encounter后面不对劲,改为主动更好表达些) a real friend could be in favor of us and give us vital suggestions. With the dilemma coming, a true friend is willing to comfort us and help us get out of trouble. For example, I didn't play well the first time when I took part in the basketball game in high school. During the whole competition, I made a lot of mistakes that leading our team lose this match. After that, I felt so depressed and blamed myself many times. But my friends talk a lot to encourage me out of the tough time, and that a truly friend can bring to you but not a couple of gay (呵呵,你用这个词要注意了哦!!!! Guys才对的)who want to get away from you when you really need them. (这段读下来很不错,至少没有大的理解问题,我偏爱简洁有力的话. 拿高分就要言简意赅,你这段不错~)

What is more, friends that will help you when you are in need also could have fun with you. It means that a friend can own both of the characters, no conflicting between the two sides. Thus we cannot acquaint with gay(真的要注意这个危险词) who have (用has)no similar interests. In my opinion, the basis is that friends can share similar interest, and the “real” friend can encourage you when you are in need. A suitable example, one of my best friends, a gay named Ray, he always help(用helps) me to get over math problem. However, we also get together to play cards, football or basketball game and enjoy ourselves very much. There are always full of laugh between he (宾格him)and me. Sometimes we also inspire each other to be a better man.(看来我俩真的要讨论这个观点了,have fun 还是help 你的朋友更好!)

Furthermore, if all my friends which just having(没必要用having,直接have) fun with me, I will take much more time to get out of trouble by myself.(大家跟你玩,你还能get out of trouble? 感觉不对哦) Even worse, they will blame on me if I make a mistakes which involved all of us. Thus, it is important that we choose the real friends.(这个论点额,像你自己说的,不好,感觉有点凑字数的酱油段.也许我俩的那个论点偏向需要讨论下下)

In conclusion, I intend to stand on the side that friends will help you when you are in need. A real friend can help you when you get trouble. A true friend not only can help you when you are in trap, but also cherish our time which we get-together. (结尾不错)

整体没什么很大毛病,但论证点不够充分,不够充分有力! 建议把论点能拉开区分度,不然没话写了.
语言简洁,比较好.
我俩需要讨论题目偏向!

蝴蝶渡海

11月22日
独立:同不同意：现在的年轻人比过去的年轻人更乐于帮助人？


Mentioned to the young group, there are always some words come to people’s mind such as creative, enthusiastic, energy, helpful. Given to the young group the great expectation, the society spares tough responsibility to them. People want the young men to exercise themselves in the tough environment and give the old the most power aid as possible as they can. Thus, the topic that whether young man in modern society is more willing to help the old than used young person as a heatedly discussion issue has been controversial since it was raised up. Toward this issue, in my opinion, I am fully supportive of that it is no direct connection between the young person and their mind to help others.


First of all, reported by colossal amounts of newspaper in modern society, some young guys do not offer their seat to the olds on bus or young person who is full of energy do not help other employees to carry the documents. What is the worse, some guy do not take their responsibility to adopt their old parents. That is to say, there are still many stories about the young generations do not help the olds even their parent. On the contrary, most of our parents make a positive example. They lived in the old age with low living stand and bad environment, but they support both children’s and our grandparents’ living during their young age. They are willing to help others who are in troubles. Above all, we can get a definite conclusion that the young generations’ mind to help others has few relative with the times they lived in.


What is more, a young man who is eager to help others is decided by many factors like character or the background of education instead of his time lived in. Just like what I have mentioned in the first example, needless to say, there is still some young guys who have the similar age with our parents do not help others or abandon their parents and children. From my own perspectives, the personal character or the background of education is the main factors which influence their behavior much. People with high degree can earn more money to afford the burden that caused by children and parents and take responsibility to “help”. Also, people with kind disposition like to aid others with their patience and adroit problem solving skill. To some extent, the time people lived in is nothing to do with people’s mind whether to help or selfish.


Finally, I want to demonstrate a challenge idea that some young people who like to help others, but their minds are not really “like”. It is means that some young generation behaves positive to give aid to others with their bad goal. Nevertheless, Under this condition, there is still no connection with the times people lived in.


In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the young generation’s helping mind is nothing to do with the time. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that if we want to make our young to donate much more, we need to improve our living stand and education level, then a bright future will come to us.

zhisheng2200

11月22日
独立:同不同意：现在的年轻人比过去的年轻人更乐于帮助人？
Mentioned to the young group, there are always some words come to people’s mind such as creative, enthusiastic, energy, helpful. Given to the young group the great expectation, the society spares tough responsibility to them. People want the young men to exercise themselves in the tough environment and give the old the most power(可以两个形容词连用吗？) aid as possible as they can. Thus, the topic that whether young man in modern society is more willing to help the old than used young person as a heatedly discussion issue has been controversial since it was raised up. Toward this issue, in my opinion, I am fully supportive of that it is no direct connection between the young person and their mind to help others.

First of all, reported by colossal amounts of newspaper in modern society, some young guys do not offer their seat to the olds on bus or young person who is full of energy do not help other employees（staff应该更好一些） to carry the documents. What is the worse, some guy do not take their responsibility to adopt their old parents. That is to say, there are still many stories about the young generations do not help the olds even their parent. On the contrary, most of our parents make a positive example. They lived in the old age with low living standard and bad environment, but they support both children’s and our grandparents’ living during since their young age. They are willing to help others who are in troubles. Above all, we can get a definite conclusion that the young generations’ mind to help others has few relative with the times they lived in.

What is more, a young man who is eager to help others is decided by many factors like character or the background of education instead of his time lived in. Just like what I have mentioned in the first example, needless to say, there is are still some young guys who have the similar age with our parents do not help others or abandon their parents and children. From my own perspectives, the personal character or the background of education is the main factors which influence their behavior much. People with high degree can earn more money to afford the burden that caused by children and parents and take responsibility to “help”. Also, people with kind disposition like to aid others with their patience and adroit problem-solving skill. To some extent, the time people lived in is nothing to do with whether people are accommodating or selfish.

Finally, I want to demonstrate a challenge idea that some young people who like to help others, but their minds are not really “like”. It is means that some young generation behaves positive to give aid to others with their bad goals. Nevertheless, under this condition, there is still no connection with the times people lived in.


In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the young generation’s helping mind is nothing to do with the time. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that if we want to make our young to donate much more, we need to improve our living standard and education level, and then a bright future will come to us.
我感觉三段的逻辑还是有些混乱，而且结论和标题有些不对头吧，你的结论是时代和年轻人的品德无关，按题目的愿意应该是新时代年轻人不乐于助人。第三段基本上没有展开，束缚力不足。应该多举一些具体的例子。

zhisheng2200

11月22日

独立:同不同意：现在的年轻人比过去的年轻人更乐于帮助人？

Mentioned to the young group, there are always some words come to people’s mind such as creative, enthusiastic, energy, helpful. Given to the young group the great expectation, the society spares tough responsibility to them. People want the young men to exercise themselves in the tough environment and give the old the most power(可以两个形容词连用吗？) aid as possible as they can. Thus, the topic that whether young man in modern society is more willing to help the old than used young person as a heatedly discussion issue has been controversial since it was raised up. Toward this issue, in my opinion, I am fully supportive of that it is no direct connection between the young person and their mind to help others.



First of all, reported by colossal amounts of newspaper in modern society, some young guys do not offer their seat to the olds on bus or young person who is full of energy do not help other employees（staff应该更好一些） to carry the documents. What is the worse, some guy do not take their responsibility to adopt their old parents. That is to say, there are still many stories about the young generations do not help the olds even their parent. On the contrary, most of our parents make a positive example. They lived in the old age with low living standard and bad environment, but they support both children’s and our grandparents’ living during since their young age. They are willing to help others who are in troubles. Above all, we can get a definite conclusion that the young generations’ mind to help others has few relative with the times they lived in.



What is more, a young man who is eager to help others is decided by many factors like character or the background of education instead of his time lived in. Just like what I have mentioned in the first example, needless to say, there isare still some young guys who have the similar age with our parents do not help others or abandon their parents and children. From my own perspectives, the personal character or the background of education is the main factors which influence their behavior much. People with high degree can earn more money to afford the burden that caused by children and parents and take responsibility to “help”. Also, people with kind disposition like to aid others with their patience and adroit problem-solving skill. To some extent, the time people lived in is nothing to do with whether people are accommodating or selfish.



Finally, I want to demonstrate a challenge idea that some young people who like to help others, but their minds are not really “like”. It is means that some young generation behaves positive to give aid to others with their bad goals. Nevertheless, under this condition, there is still no connection with the times people lived in.





In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the young generation’s helping mind is nothing to do with the time. Under this instruction, I firmly believe that if we want to make our young to donate much more, we need to improve our living standard and education level, and then a bright future will come to us.

我感觉三段的逻辑还是有些混乱，而且结论和标题有些不对头吧，你的结论是时代和年轻人的品德无关，按题目的愿意应该是新时代年轻人不乐于助人。第三段基本上没有展开，束缚力不足。应该多举一些具体的例子。