狠批至上！

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-3 16:34:35

求狠批><

06.08写作24。。现转综合。。继续求狠批~~

*05.02  The parents spend too much time on determining future things of children. children can make choices by their own.

As the development of the society, the less children people have, the more time will parents take to care about them. Some perceived that adults spend varies time on their children. They considered children are capable of making choices alone. The statement should be talked case-by-case.

To begin with, not all children can make their choices alone. These children who have ever never faced problems alone are impossible to be indepent. They do not have their own thoughts, thus are confused when they caught a problem. For example, my nephew, a boy who never cares for his life such as what food he should eat when at a meal and which high school he should go. All these his parents will arrange for him. Now if I take him to a  vegetable market and ask him to pick up one to cook this noon, abosultely he has no his choice. Therefore children like my nephew, parents have to spend much time on deciding future things for them.

In addtion, if children have the ablity to make decisions for themselves, here is a question, then on what aspects parents should make decisions about future things for them? Colleges or marriage? Let's take colleges  for analynizing. For almost everybody college is a essential and vital part of one's life. When kids finished their high school part they got a score and had to choose a school to keep on studying. Parents have good experience and considerable understanding about most universities , they know how to choose a approriate school for their children. While children they are lacking of information about these universites. At this time, parents are supposed to determine for their kids. On the other hand, what if marriage? Since they have their own minds, they know what and how to make their lives more comfortable, they will absoultely know which type of girls they like most. If parents make decisions on this aspect, for their kids it have to be a miserable thing. Their children can not live in happiness.

In conclusion, parents determine things for their kids on separate parts.

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-4 12:08:21

第一次改作文，现在对逻辑思路什么的还不是很熟，所以主要改了改语法单词之类的，见谅~~~
05.02 The parents spend too much time on determining future things of children. children can make choices by their own.

As the development of the society, the less children people have, the more time will parents take to care about them. Some perceived（perceive表观点态度的动词用一般现在时合适） that adults spend varies time on their children. They considered（consider主从句时态因一致） children are capable of making choices alone. The statement should be talked case-by-case.

To begin with, not all children can make their choices alone. These children who have ever never faced problems alone are impossible to be indenpent. They do not have their own thoughts, thus are confused when they caught a problem（are confronted with thorny problems）. For example, my nephew, a boy who never cares for his life such as what food he should eat when at a meal and which high school he should go. （例子不太合适，前面说的problem，例子是说的事情不是problem，只是不上心。论证性不强）All these his parents will arrange for him. Now if I take him to a vegetable market and ask him to pick up one to cook this noon, abosultely（absolutely） he has no his choice. Therefore children like my nephew, parents have to spend much time on deciding future things for them.（感觉就是分论点跟例子不太搭，要不就把分论点改成children做决策时不慎重很随意，要么就把例子换成nephew面对困难时不知道怎么make choice）

In addtion（addition）, if children have the ablity（ability） to make decisions for themselves, here is a question, then on what aspects parents should make decisions about future things for them? Colleges or marriage? Let's take colleges for analynizing（analyzing）. For almost everybody college is a（an） essential and vital part of one's life. When kids finished their high school part they got（get） a score and had（have） to choose a school to keep on studying（go on their further study）. Parents have good experience and considerable understanding about most universities, they know how to choose a approriate（appropriate） school for their children. While children they are lacking of information about these universites. At this time, parents are supposed to determine for their kids. On the other hand, what if marriage?（what if是如果…将会怎样，用着这里感觉语义有点奇怪。用what about marriage怎么样？） Since they have their own minds, they know what and how to make their lives more comfortable, they will absoultely（there is no doubt that they，不要老用absolutely换个句型嘛） know which type of girls they like most. If parents make decisions on this aspect, for their kids it have to be a miserable thing. Their children can not live in happiness.

In conclusion, parents determine things for their kids on separate parts.（句尾段太潦草了，如果实在想不出话来，可以把前面的分论点用另一种表达方式在说一遍。）

整片在时态上有些混乱，一般的议论文中论证的时态用一般现在时，除非举例中的事发生在过去才用过去式。像条件状语从句，时间状语从句，没有特别的时态倾向就是说平时发生的情况用一般现在时即可。
我自己是写的一办倒的类型。如果这里你要写成中立型的writing的话，可以把情况分的再清晰一些。毕竟托福写作业看字数的，5段的writing比较常见，字数也合理。可以写成case1有时孩子意识不到decision的重要性，需要家长帮助 case2有时孩子就算意识到了重要性但是缺少experience，也不能单独做决定。 case3有时孩子做的decision更符合自己的意愿所以家长不要插手。

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-4 16:03:37

艾米果果发表于 2013-5-4 12:08
第一次改作文，现在对逻辑思路什么的还不是很熟，所以主要改了改语法单词之类的，见谅~~~
05.02 The parent ...

恩说的在理学习了^^

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-5 08:05:59

05.04+独立
It is more important for schools to fund their students’ social activities than to improve students’ meals.

Students mainly promote their two abilities: physics and mental. From my perspective, I do agree with the statement that schools dedicate much more money on social activites than on meals. As the followings are my analyzings.

To begin with, students' personalities will be well-rounded if they participate in social activities. Joining in the students' union stimulate them to practice their leadership, taking part in an English cornor can encourage them to communicate with each other and participating a society like a volleyball team will force them to collaborate with others. These are bringing home to the students that some abilities are crucial. It is obvious that this society needs them to erect these abilities well. And students are capable of promoting faster when they left schools to work for their boss if owning these skills.

In addition, there is no denying that students can make friends who has the same interesting with them. They talk deeper and deeper once they met, being familiar with each other. So, they become friends even the best friend. They share happiness and sadness together, face the difficulties and solve the problems. How exciting it is that they make friends when they take part in social activities.

On the other hand, students broaden their versions by exchanging different cultures of their own hometown with each other. For example, I took part in a badminton team at my college. In this team there was a girl who came from Shanghai, telling us their main food are taste sweet. I'm curious about this because I'm in Anhui who never ever known that main meal can be sweet. So I asked her why and the reason she answered me was that people there are inclined to sweet food. From then on I acknowledged another cultures about food of Shanghai.

What if schools spend much money on students' meals? Students will weigh overwhelming, they become obese and these are harmful to their health. What's more, some students even think about the meal when they are in class if the meals are very tasty, detracting them from studying. In my opinion, I do not approve these behaviors.

In conclusion, I stand by the side that schools spend more budget on social activities than on meals. Students should make themselves useful to the society not add obesities for the society.

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-5 08:08:30

除了批外给点建议哈。。。

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-5 19:27:10

It is more important for schools to fund their students’ social activities than to improve students’ meals.

Students mainly promote their two abilities: physics and mental[/color]（physics是物理的意思，名词；mental是adj.，不能作前面ability的同位语）. From my perspective, I do agree with the statement that schools dedicate much more money on social activites than on meals. As the followings are my analyzings.（这句话模板痕迹太重了）
第一段太单薄了，开头不要放过点题的机会。前面的背景介绍是能为自己的观点做一个铺垫就好了，这里第一句跟自己的观点显得没有很强的逻辑联系，让自己的观点显得生硬。你可以先说school are responsible to promote the student’s physical and mental development,但是那个各跟重要大家争论不休，而我的观点balabala。。。题干说的是for school所以不要说students promote要不又跑题的嫌疑啊~~~
To begin with, students' personalities will be well-rounded if they participate in social activities. Joining in the students' union stimulate them to practice（总觉得practice leadership不是很搭） their leadership[/color]（后面是的例子是交流能力，不要用leadership这个词吧，example要跟论点搭）, taking part in an English cornor can encourage them to communicate with each other and participating a society（social activity） like a volleyball team will force them to collaborate with others. These are bringing home to the students that some abilities are crucial. It is obvious that this society needs them to erect these abilities（这个表达太chinglish了吧） well. And students are capable of promoting faster when they left schools to work for their boss if owning these skills.（这句话读有点绕口，我先改成there is no doubt that owning these skills will enable students to be distinguished in the stiff competition after they step into job market. ）

In addition, there is no denying that students can make friends who has the same interesting with them. They talk deeper and deeper once they met, being familiar with each other. So, they become friends even the best friend. They share happiness and sadness together, face the difficulties and solve the problems. How exciting it is that they make friends when they take part in social activities.（中间也可以举一些不是“例子的例子”，就是具体讲各种情况下怎么交朋友啊，有时我会写成3句排比：体育爱好者参加team会遇到什么样的朋友啊，balabala写3个就够了）

On the other hand, students broaden their versions by exchanging different cultures of their own hometown with each other. For example, I took part in a badminton team at my college. In this team there was a girl who came from Shanghai, telling us their main food are taste sweet.（两个动词啦） I'm curious about this because I'm in Anhui who never ever known that main meal can be sweet. So I asked her why and the reason she answered （gave，用answered的话定语从句还原就是she answered the reason了）me was that people there are inclined to sweet food（用法不对，chinglish）. From then on I acknowledged another cultures about food of Shanghai.（这段的论证比较弱，最好点出为什么exchange culture对学生重要）

What if schools spend much money on students' meals? Students will weigh overwhelming（你想表达超重吧，这个有是中式表达啦，用overweight就行了）, they become obese and these are harmful to their health. What's more, some students even think about the meal when they are in class if the meals are very tasty, detracting them from studying. In my opinion, I do not approve these behaviors.（这段想指出没有必要improve meal的idea是很好的啦，建议把这段写丰满一点，删掉上一段）

In conclusion, I stand by the side that schools spend more budget on social activities than on meals. Students should make themselves useful to the society not add obesities for the society.

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-5 19:28:18

额，只想标出一些句子的不知道怎么回事全部变红了。。。

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-5 22:34:09

艾米果果发表于 2013-5-5 19:28
额，只想标出一些句子的不知道怎么回事全部变红了。。。

没事没事谢谢你改得这么好哈~~

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-6 09:43:10

艾米果果发表于 2013-5-5 19:28
额，只想标出一些句子的不知道怎么回事全部变红了。。。

对了，你上次托福写作多少分？肿么样~~

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-15 23:58:21

Contributes on an enjoyable vacation, please select one of three selection. Good food, Good location and with good friends to travel.

People are inclined to travelling all over the world nowdays. If you ask me which option I will choose among eating aspect, placement and good friends, obsolutely I will choose friends. The rearsons are as follows.

To begin with, althouth, tasting delicious food can make us relieve from stress and feel comfortable, it can not provide pleasure for us. We can just sitting at a table and eat. The progress is so boring and lonely that maybe the tasty food fail to catch our attention. The atmosphere around us make us feel drowsy. However, if we have good friends around us, we can sit together and eat, talking with each other and laughing and playing jokes, we are joyful even though the food is not tasty. In addition, the purpose of travelling is relaxing and enjoyful, so the quality of food is not essential only if food could fill up with stomaches.

Second, friends are enable to interest the progress when we are dedicated at a place. For instance, if we go to a church, we see the sculptures are nothing but stones since we do not have a solid understanding about these sculptures. At this time if one good friend of mine who is farvored with sculptures tells us the history of them such as the origin of these sculptures and the meaning why they are put here etc., I believe these statues are not only stones any more, they became  historical and worthful statues. And we feel joyful in this progress.

Last but not least, friends can reverse certain adverse conditions we met. For instance, once I  went to a town which is boring with my friends, I should never have thought that we could have a impressive night. We were not chatted and played games until saw the sunlight.

All in all, if all the factors all above are contemplated, we can easily reach a conclusion that going outside with friends is our best choice.

狠批至上！

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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