狠批至上！

applesoforever

05.16  Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.

In the past people can merely communicate with each other by face to face. Now with the booming of technology in the society, certain people wonder if we can work at home by computers or telephones instead of working in the office. From my perspective, I suppose on this thought. I will explain the reasons more clearly as the followings.

Working at house can save the time we spend on the road, which means we have more time to work if we get up as early as we work in the office. For instance, I usually get up at seven o'clock in the morning. After I eat my breakfast I have to dedicate one hour on taking public transportation such as buses and subways. So it is nine when I get to the company and start to work. Working at home, however, enable me to work one more hour if I get up at seven. In other words, the time I saved contributes to more job I could done. Thus, my boss will be satified with my performance and I will be at a favored place on promoting salary and position.

On the other hand, the envrionment around house makes us feel comfortable. The serious atmosphere in the office will make us stressful while we can play our favorite cds at low column when we are working at home. In addition,we are free to dress what we intended to. We can even dress pajamas when we are doing our jobs at home. And this is different with the ones who wear uniform working at office. Actually certain uniform because of tight or the color lead to uncomfortable feeling. This maybe lower the efficiency during worktime.

Last but not least, as an old English proverb goes, "every coin has two sides". It is surely that working at home cause unconvenience to some extent. Let us assume a situation. If my colleague need to see the content of one document from me, here is the problem, I cannot hand it over to my co-worker immediately. But still, we can diminish this problem not only by emailing him/her the electronic edition of this document but by expressing him/her the paper edition.

From what we discussed above we can safely draw the conclusion that working at home is superior to doing jobs at office.

perfectends

word黏贴来还是没颜色，见图片吧
红色修改，黄色高亮好词。
你一些词义的理解，或者词的搭配的用法不准确，这种错误比较多。行文逻辑，文章结构，倒没有太大的问题。

艾米果果

05.16  Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.

In the past people can merely communicate with each other by face to face.(还有一个写信) Now with the booming of technology in the society, certain people wonder if we can work at home by computers or telephones instead of working in the office. From my perspective, I suppose（是support吧？） on this thought. I will explain the reasons more clearly as the followings.（这句话本身没问题，就是模板痕迹重。建议万不得已，第一段实在太短字数不足时才用）

Working at house（telecommuting远程办公，这两个词换着用哈） can save the time we spend on the road, which means we have more time to work if we get up as early as we work in the office. For instance, I usually get up at seven o'clock in the morning. After I eat my breakfast I have to dedicate one hour on taking public transportation such as buses and subways. So it is nine when I get to the company and start to work. Working at home, however, enables me to work one（two） more hour if I get up at seven（亲，这句话可以用虚拟语气，加分句哦~~）. In other words, the time I saved contributes to more job I could done. Thus, my boss will be satified with my performance and I will be at a favored place on promoting salary and position. （论点清晰，论述有说服力。加油~~~非要说什么改进，就是练一些“高级词汇”吧）

On the other hand, the envrionment around house makes us feel comfortable. （which will definitely boost the work efficiency加一句怎么样？）The serious atmosphere in the office will make us stressful while we can play our favorite cds（小小建议，可以说是谁的cds，比如Taylor Swift ，就是“具体化”或者你自导更有美国范的也行，说当听到她的XX歌心情就很愉快，工作效率也高了） at low column when we are working at home. In addition,we are free to dress what we intended to. We can even dress pajamas when we are doing our jobs at home. And this is different with the ones who wear uniform working at office. Actually certain uniform， because of tight or the color，（介宾短语我觉得放在句子中间做插入语要好一些，要么就放在句首或者句尾） leads to uncomfortable feeling. This maybe lower the efficiency during worktime.（个人观点：讲得是工作所以最好分论点也与工作相关，把分论点写成一个复合句，使人舒适是原，提高效率是果）

Last but not least, as an old English proverb goes, "every coin has two sides". It is surely that working at home cause unconvenience to some extent. Let us assume a situation. If my colleague need to see the content of one document from me, here is the problem, I cannot hand it over to my co-worker immediately. But still, we can diminish this problem not only by emailing him/her the electronic edition of this document but by expressing him/her the paper edition.（这一段要特别注意哦，从全文来看是想写成“一边倒”型的writing，因为你在首段表明态度的时候说的是support this thought，那么后面的三个分论点就要支持这个总论点。当然这段是可也写成让步型的论证，承认有不足，但最后还是要把主题拉到telecommuting是可行的上面，也就是你but/however后面要着重写，要不你看看在不在最后一句在啰嗦一下：有了这种解决办法，在家也能跟同事很好的沟通）

From what we discussed above we can safely draw the conclusion that working at home is superior to doing jobs at office.

艾米果果

不好意思哈~~~现在才修改完。个人意见，仅供参考

applesoforever

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-18 10:40
05.16  Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.

In the  ...

"Working at home, however, enables me to work one（two） more hour if I get up at seven（亲，这句话可以用虚拟语气，加分句哦~~）"

请教：用虚拟语气加分句应该怎么改哈~~

applesoforever

05.18 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their work.

With the booming of society people tend to cost much more hours on work than ever before. Be honest, I am doutful with this phenomenon. Does not they feel boring while concentrating on one same work? Are they aware of interests and phisical activities which are irrelevent with work can bring them something new? Hence, I agree with the statement that people should spend time on hobbies and physical activities different from their jobs.

To begin with, hobbies relieve us from daily life grind and pressure from work. I, take myself for example, am a teacher and obessesed with the documentaries. I will delicate one or two hours on watching documentaries like the ocean, the earth and the polar bear etc while frustrated. Seeing the dolphins swimming in the ocean and the lions catching their preys not only kind of enjoyment but also extending our visions, which we can know why and how they do these actions. In addition, different hobbies will lead to various reflection which make life fresh and interesting to us. For instance, I am also involved in bungee jumping. Every time I jumped I feel like that I reborn. Everything around me is so nice because of the excitement bungee taken to me.

With respect to phisical activities, they will benefit our health. As a rule, people tend to take exercisei to strenghten their body as the quality of life has improved. I, myself, am involved in. Running is my favorite movement. I will go to the playground and run for two or three circles after I correct the students' homework in the office everynight. Thus, I am always in a good physical situation.

Admittedly, hobbies and physical activities which are different considerably from work indeed will cost our much time. However, it is worthful. What is the meaning if one gets hypertension even though his/her salary approaches million a year?

In a nut shell, hobbies and physical activities are essential and indispensable to us. People are supposed to do them for a better life.

sunchou

5.18 独立修改
With the booming of society people tend to cost(spend) much more hours on work than ever before.To Be honest, I am doutfu(doubtful) with this phenomenon. Does not they feel boring while concentrating on one same work?(这句话感觉有点奇怪) Are they aware of（that） interests and phisical activities which are irrelevent with work can bring them something new?（这句话有两个动词） Hence, I agree with the statement that people should spend time on hobbies and physical activities different from their jobs.

To begin with, hobbies relieve us from daily life grind and pressure from work. I, take myself for example, am a teacher and obessesed with the documentaries. I will delicate（dedicate） one or two hours on watching documentaries like the ocean, the earth and the polar bear etc while frustrated. Seeing the dolphins swimming in the ocean and the lions catching their preys is not only a kind of enjoyment but also an extending of our visions, which we can know why and how they do these actions. In addition, different hobbies will lead to various reflection which make life fresh and interesting to us. For instance, I am also involved in bungee jumping. Every time I jumped I feel like that I reborn. Everything around me is so nice because of what the excitement bungee taken to （gives） me.

With respect to phisical activities, they will benefit our health. As a rule, people tend to take exercisei（exercise） to strenghten their body as the quality of life has improved. I, myself, am involved in it. Running is my favorite movement（activity）. I will go to the playground and run for two or three circles after I correct the students' homework in the office everynight. Thus, I am always in a good physical situation（condition）.

Admittedly, hobbies and physical activities which are different considerably from work indeed will cost our（us） much time. However, it is worthful. What is the meaning if one gets hypertension even though his/her salary approaches one million a year?

In a nut shell, hobbies and physical activities are essential and indispensable to us. People are supposed to do them for a better life.
文章整体的思路还是很清晰地，文章开头很好的引出了题目主旨。但是感觉基本语法上有些不严谨和错误。同时应注意一下词汇和句型的多样化。

sunchou

奇怪，我明明改的是用的红色字体，为什么都没有了呢

applesoforever

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-18 10:40
05.16  Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.

In the  ...

期待你回来~~

applesoforever

sunchou 发表于 2013-5-19 16:37
奇怪，我明明改的是用的红色字体，为什么都没有了呢

恩  有时确实会这样 你的作文我晚上回来改哈  现在出去有事儿