择日不如撞日 来来来写作文！

sarahpx

8.11 改老规矩，你懂的~

As we all know, money can buy many things. However, whether it can buy the quality of education is a question. Some people argue that money can stimulate a better perform of professor while others hold the opposite view. From my perspective, spending more money on salary for professor is not an efficient way to improve the quality of education.

To make this question clear, we need to understand the effect of this addition salary. To be honest, I agree that everybody loves money. The more money you own, the stronger purchasing power you have. Nevertheless, does that mean this addition salary will have the same effect as original amount of salary? Firstly, the marginal utility is decreasing. Professors are not like some people struggling for food and clothing. It is entirely possible that the original salary has already high enough for professors to lead a decent and desirable life. Therefore, the additional amount of money is not as seductive as the original amount. Secondly, if the university uses the method of increasing money to persuade professor to improve the quality of education, it may have the opposite result. Professors are the elites of the society. The honorable ambitions and passions of teaching bring them to the classroom, rather than a high salary. If the university intends to spur professors’ better performance, the president should give them intangible and spiritual awards. On the contrary, directly giving professors tangible reward such as additional salary will hurt their feelings（这句有点过了，而且上文也提到everybody loves money，有点confused）.

Even if the additional money is exactly what the professor want, it is still hard to say that it will turn to be the incentive to improve their education quality. For example, some professors think that if they change their job, they will have a higher salary than present. Thus the increased amount is considered as the compensation（你想把它当做“补偿”的意思是吗，可是这个词本身是表示广义的薪酬，会有点歧义） of their opportunity cost. They will take it for granted. In/under this circumstance, the university wastes the investment because the addition salary doesn't converse into the impetus of professors to improve the education quality.

In a nutshell, the university uses the strategy of spending more money salary will not achieve its goal of the improvement of education quality. The reason is that the additional salary has little influence on professor and it is hard to transfer the money into where the university want it to go（transfer into 后面应该接名词性的吧，不是一个状语）.



总结：

1. 逻辑层次清晰，非常值得学习哦~

2. 有些地方用词有点欠妥，句式也比较单一，注意长短句结合，可以试试用虚拟，反问或者让步等等。

3. 论证比较好，但是论据比较不充分额，最好是有更specific的例子。

4. 用递进关系写的话说不定会拿高分的哦~`~加油，浅浅

浅吟天

我再问一问哈，因为我隐约觉得这篇还有上升空间，嘿嘿
1，这篇这么递进呢，不是很懂。我的思路是 增加的那部分钱对叫兽没效（两个例子)--即使有效他们也不一定把它转化为质量保证。我觉得已经有个让步了，不知怎么递进。。
2，第二次收到“长短句结合”的建议了，你觉得我是长句太多了哇？
3，谢谢你“虚拟，反问或者让步”的建议，以前完全没注意到。。一起加油！！

8.11 改老规矩，你懂的~

As we all know, money can buy many things. However, whether it can buy the quality of education is a question. Some people argue that money can stimulate a better perform of professor while others hold the opposite view. From my perspective, spending more money on salary for professor is not an efficient way to improve the quality of education.

To make this question clear, we need to understand the effect of this addition salary. To be honest, I agree that everybody loves money. The more money you own, the stronger purchasing power you have. Nevertheless, does that mean this addition salary will have the same effect as original amount of salary? Firstly, the marginal utility is decreasing. Professors are not like some people struggling for food and clothing. It is entirely possible that the original salary has already high enough for professors to lead a decent and desirable life. Therefore, the additional amount of money is not as seductive as the original amount. Secondly, if the university uses the method of increasing money to persuade professor to improve the quality of education, it may have the opposite result. Professors are the elites of the society. The honorable ambitions and passions of teaching bring them to the classroom, rather than a high salary. If the university intends to spur professors’ better performance, the president should give them intangible and spiritual awards. On the contrary, directly giving professors tangible reward such as additional salary will hurt their feelings（这句有点过了，而且上文也提到everybody loves money，有点confused）.

Even if the additional money is exactly what the professor want, it is still hard to say that it will turn to be the incentive to improve their education quality. For example, some professors think that if they change their job, they will have a higher salary than present. Thus the increased amount is considered as the compensation（你想把它当做“补偿”的意思是吗，可是这个词本身是表示广义的薪酬，会有点歧义） of their opportunity cost. They will take it for granted. In/under this circumstance, the university wastes the investment because the addition salary doesn't converse into the impetus of professors to improve the education quality.

In a nutshell, the university uses the strategy of spending more money salary will not achieve its goal of the improvement of education quality. The reason is that the additional salary has little influence on professor and it is hard to transfer the money into where the university want it to go（transfer into 后面应该接名词性的吧，不是一个状语）.



总结：

1. 逻辑层次清晰，非常值得学习哦~

2. 有些地方用词有点欠妥，句式也比较单一，注意长短句结合，可以试试用虚拟，反问或者让步等等。

3. 论证比较好，但是论据比较不充分额，最好是有更specific的例子。

4. 用递进关系写的话说不定会拿高分的哦~`~加油，浅浅

-- by 会员 sarahpx (2012/8/12 11:59:17)

sarahpx

这篇是有上升的空间啊，你的例证不充分呢~我感觉你的让步是不是可以说是跟上面的一个递进？如果我们来辩论这个主题你明显是把我方后路堵了一个。不过偶逻辑超烂，说错了也说不定……一般的递进是 more importantly这类词引导？

我再问一问哈，因为我隐约觉得这篇还有上升空间，嘿嘿
1，这篇这么递进呢，不是很懂。我的思路是 增加的那部分钱对叫兽没效（两个例子)--即使有效他们也不一定把它转化为质量保证。我觉得已经有个让步了，不知怎么递进。。
2，第二次收到“长短句结合”的建议了，你觉得我是长句太多了哇？
3，谢谢你“虚拟，反问或者让步”的建议，以前完全没注意到。。一起加油！！

8.11 改老规矩，你懂的~

As we all know, money can buy many things. However, whether it can buy the quality of education is a question. Some people argue that money can stimulate a better perform of professor while others hold the opposite view. From my perspective, spending more money on salary for professor is not an efficient way to improve the quality of education.

To make this question clear, we need to understand the effect of this addition salary. To be honest, I agree that everybody loves money. The more money you own, the stronger purchasing power you have. Nevertheless, does that mean this addition salary will have the same effect as original amount of salary? Firstly, the marginal utility is decreasing. Professors are not like some people struggling for food and clothing. It is entirely possible that the original salary has already high enough for professors to lead a decent and desirable life. Therefore, the additional amount of money is not as seductive as the original amount. Secondly, if the university uses the method of increasing money to persuade professor to improve the quality of education, it may have the opposite result. Professors are the elites of the society. The honorable ambitions and passions of teaching bring them to the classroom, rather than a high salary. If the university intends to spur professors’ better performance, the president should give them intangible and spiritual awards. On the contrary, directly giving professors tangible reward such as additional salary will hurt their feelings（这句有点过了，而且上文也提到everybody loves money，有点confused）.

Even if the additional money is exactly what the professor want, it is still hard to say that it will turn to be the incentive to improve their education quality. For example, some professors think that if they change their job, they will have a higher salary than present. Thus the increased amount is considered as the compensation（你想把它当做“补偿”的意思是吗，可是这个词本身是表示广义的薪酬，会有点歧义） of their opportunity cost. They will take it for granted. In/under this circumstance, the university wastes the investment because the addition salary doesn't converse into the impetus of professors to improve the education quality.

In a nutshell, the university uses the strategy of spending more money salary will not achieve its goal of the improvement of education quality. The reason is that the additional salary has little influence on professor and it is hard to transfer the money into where the university want it to go（transfer into 后面应该接名词性的吧，不是一个状语）.



总结：

1. 逻辑层次清晰，非常值得学习哦~

2. 有些地方用词有点欠妥，句式也比较单一，注意长短句结合，可以试试用虚拟，反问或者让步等等。

3. 论证比较好，但是论据比较不充分额，最好是有更specific的例子。

4. 用递进关系写的话说不定会拿高分的哦~`~加油，浅浅

-- by 会员 sarahpx (2012/8/12 11:59:17)

-- by 会员 浅吟天 (2012/8/12 16:25:29)

浅吟天

8月12日 综合 tpo10
请今帮我改作文的亲帮我看看模版哈。中间几段有没有点啰嗦？
the lecturer rejects the argument in the reading passage that the decline of sea otter's populations is mainly due to environmental pollution. She contends that predation theory seems the more likely explanation of the decline.

The lecturer doesn't agree with the first reason listed in the reading material that pollution causes the deaths of sea otters. She argues that the fact is although living in the heave polluted area, the sea otters haven't been found died. That is to say, the increased levels of chemical pollution is not responsible for the death.

Regarding the population decline in the entire ecosystem, the lecturer holds that it can be totally explained by the theory of predation. Because larger prey such as other whales are hunted by human, orcas who prefer to hunting these larger preys have to change their taste to prey some much smaller sea mammals such as seals,
sea lions and sea otter. Therefore, it presents the decline of the entire ecosystem rather than a single species.On the contrary, the passage suggests that environmental pollution affects all sea mammals.

Additionally, the lecturer challenges the last reason in the reading passage that the uneven pattern of otter decline is attributed to the pollution locations. She claims that because orcas are too large to living in the shallow areas, they can only prey sea mammals in accessible locations. Therefore, the population of otters in shallow areas is much higher than other places,which precisely explains the phenomenon of uneven location. On the other hand, the reading passage holds that ocean currents or other environmental factors are the reason to create this uneven concentration of the decline of sea otters.

浅吟天

TO Sara
我懂你的意思了。要递进就直接点，我的表达是“即使承认（也就是说第一点就不承认）。。。，后面那样也不对”。 好 下次写成more importantly

sherryzhangh

浅,你好, 这篇我确实没有听得很清楚,看着范文给你改了一下,我的语法很烂, 凭语感给你做了一些修改,不一定对. 有意见告诉我.谢谢!
The lecturer rejects the argument in the reading passage that the decline of sea otter's populations is mainly due to environmental pollution. She contends that predation theory seemsto be the more likely explanation of the decline.

The lecturer doesn't agree with the first reason listed in the reading material that pollution causes the deaths of sea otters. She argues that the fact is: although living in the heave polluted area, the dead bodies of sea otters haven't been found which apparently had been eaten by predators. That is to say, the increased levels of chemical pollution are not responsible for the death.

Regarding the population decline in the entire ecosystem, the lecturer holds that it can be totally explained by the theory of predation. Because larger prey such as other whales are hunted by human, orcas who prefer to hunting these larger preys have to change their tastetarget to prey some much smaller sea mammals such as seals,sea lions and sea otter. Therefore, it presents the decline of the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. On the contrary, the passage suggests that environmental pollution affects all sea mammals.

Additionally, the lecturer challenges the last reason in the reading passage that the uneven pattern of otter decline is attributed to the pollution locations. She claims that because orcas are too large to living in the shallow areas, they could only prey sea mammals in accessible locations. Therefore, the population of otters in shallow areas is much higher than other deeper water places which precisely explain the phenomenon of uneven location. On the other hand, the reading passage holds that ocean currents or other changing environmental factors are the reason to create this uneven concentration of the decline of sea otters.

浅吟天

讨论一个地方，这个颜色的

浅,你好, 这篇我确实没有听得很清楚,看着范文给你改了一下,我的语法很烂, 凭语感给你做了一些修改,不一定对. 有意见告诉我.谢谢!
The lecturer rejects the argument in the reading passage that the decline of sea otter's populations is mainly due to environmental pollution. She contends that predation theory seemsto be the more likely explanation of the decline.

The lecturer doesn't agree with the first reason listed in the reading material that pollution causes the deaths of sea otters. She argues that the fact is: although living in the heave polluted area, the dead bodies of sea otters haven't been found which（which一来跟在found后面立修饰对象太远，二来指代the dead bodies of sea otters 后面不能被捕食者吃，逻辑不对。但我找不到简练的改法，你觉得这样行不：the dead bodies of sea otters haven't been found yet, which is consistant with the predation theory that otters are eaten so that there aren't dead bodies washed off on the beach.)  apparently had been eaten by predators. That is to say, the increased levels of chemical pollution are not responsible for the death.

Regarding the population decline in the entire ecosystem, the lecturer holds that it can be totally explained by the theory of predation. Because larger prey such as other whales are hunted by human, orcas who prefer to hunting these larger preys have to change their tastetarget to prey some much smaller sea mammals such as seals,sea lions and sea otter. Therefore, it presents the decline of the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. On the contrary, the passage suggests that environmental pollution affects all sea mammals.

Additionally, the lecturer challenges the last reason in the reading passage that the uneven pattern of otter decline is attributed to the pollution locations. She claims that because orcas are too large to living in the shallow areas, they could only prey sea mammals in accessible locations. Therefore, the population of otters in shallow areas is much higher than other deeper water places which precisely explain the phenomenon of uneven location. On the other hand, the reading passage holds that ocean currents or other changing environmental factors are the reason to create this uneven concentration of the decline of sea otters.

-- by 会员 sherryzhangh (2012/8/13 13:24:32)

浅吟天

TPO10 综合很多点没听好，补了一次，留个底

the lecturer rejects the argument in the reading passage that the decline of sea otter's populations is mainly due to environmental pollution. She contends that predation theory seems to be the more likely explanation of the decline.

The lecturer doesn't agree with the first reason listed in the reading material that pollution causes the deaths of sea otters. She argues back that the fact is although living in the heave polluted area, the sea otters haven't been found died. That is to say, the increased levels of chemical pollution is not responsible for the death. What’s more, the phenomenon that there are no bodies on the beach is consistent with the predation theory. If sea otter is eaten by predator, obviously, its body can not be washed off on the beach.

Regarding the population decline in the entire ecosystem, the lecturer states that it can be totally explained by the theory of predation. Because larger prey such as other whales are hunted by human, orcas who prefer to hunting these larger preys have to change their target to prey some much smaller sea mammals such as seals, sea lions and sea otters. Therefore, orcas’ big diet makes the decline of the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. On the contrary, the passage suggests that environmental pollution affects all sea mammals.

Additionally, the lecturer challenges the last reason in the reading passage that the uneven pattern of otter decline is attributed to the pollution locations. She claims that because orcas are too large to living in the shallow areas, they can only prey sea mammals in accessible locations. Therefore, the population of otters in shallow areas is much higher than other deeper places, which precisely explains the phenomenon of uneven location. On the other hand, the reading passage holds that environmental factors bring to the unbalanced pollution which is the reason that creates the uneven concentration of the decline of sea otters.

浅吟天

8月13日 独立
know about the events happening around the world that do not affect our life.D\A
拉到word上一看，拼错了一堆，要死了。。



Some people may argue that what is happening far away has no effect on our life that we still eat, work and sleep in our original rhythm.However, have you ever heard about the butterfly effect that butterflies flutter their wings in the Amazon may launch an upheaval .And it is the same as to the events happening around the rest of the world, in my perspective, the events do affect our emotion, behavior and thought.

To begin with, the events somewhat control our feelings. For example, when you watch the Olympic Games in the television, you will also be nervous about the fierce matches. When you see your national team doing well, you will also be excited and happy about their achievements. Moreover, it may also stimulate the honorable national pride emotion. Actually all these feelings will not happen if you haven't know the events. Another example is the big earthquake happened in Wenchuan China. Have you ever felt depressive and sad about the lost of lives? I think mostly of the chinese people were immersing in the low feeling these days. Although the eaurthquale doesn't hit around, but it also entirely affect their daily life because we were all touched by the misfortune of
our fellowmen.

What's more, the events happening around the world make much sense about the behavior and decisions we made, especially in the copper world. How can a company success in other countries without knowing the events in here. For example, American people are more and more aware of protecting the environment, and thus they'd like to buy environmental friendly products. If a foreign company want to have a market share in USA, it must concern about this subtle change of customers' perception. Instead making low-price product to attract potential customers, advertising a product with ecoqualification is a much more effective way to seize the market successfully. From the example, we can see how big influencial the events happening in the rest of the world can be.

More importantlly, some events even changes the thought and world value of somebody. Still taking the Wenchuan earthquake for example, i know some high school students living outside to earthquake-affecting areas change their majors to seismology in the university. Maybe some of them want to be businessmen or politicians at the first sight, but an earthquake make them clear that predicting earthquake accurately to save more people's lives is exactly what they want. Thus, i can safely say their trace of life have obviously been changed by this events.

From the reasons listed about, we can see the events happening around the world definitely affect our life whether the change is conscious or unconscious. We, human beings, interact with others. Therefore, we are inevitably affected by the events others made.

上善若水1018

Some people may argue that what is happening far away hasno effect on our life that (and?) we still eat, work and sleep in our original (regular? ordinary?) rhythm.However, have you ever heard about the butterfly effect that butterfliesflutter their wings in the Amazon may launch an upheaval. And it is the same as to the eventshappening around the rest of the world,(.) in myperspective, the events do affect our emotion, behavior and thought. （这句话你是准备写成一句话还是两句话呢？写复杂句式的时候一定注意是否加了合适的连接词，避免出现一句话里两个主谓宾的现象）

To begin with, the events somewhat control ourfeelings. For example, when you watch the Olympic Games in the television, youwill also be nervous about the fierce matches. When you see your national teamdoing well, you will also be excited and happy about their achievements.Moreover, it may also stimulate the honorable national pride emotion. Actuallyall these feelings will not happen if you haven't know the events. Anotherexample is the big earthquake happened in Wenchuan China. Have you ever feltdepressive and sad about the lost of lives? I think mostly(most) of theChinese people（去掉people） were immersing in the low feeling these days.Although the earthquake doesn't hit around, but it also (still)entirely affect their (our) daily life because we were all touched by themisfortune of ourfellowmen. （earthquake这个例子需要全部改成过去式）

What's more, the events happening around the worldmake much sense about the behavior and decisions we made, especially in thecopper world (copper world?没看懂) . Howcan a company success in other countries without knowing the events in here （这句话看着很怪how can a company be successful without knowing theevents happening in the target markets/countries. For example, Americanpeople(Americans，去掉people) are more and more aware of protecting theenvironment, and thus they'd like to buy environmental friendly products. If aforeign company want to have a market share in USA, it must concern about thissubtle change of customers' perception. Instead of makinglow-price product to attract potential customers, advertising a product withecoqualification is a much more effective way to seize (grasp更加贴切) themarket successfully. From the example, we can see how big influential theevents happening in the rest of the world can be. （这段怎么感觉是某TPO综合写作啊）

More importantly, some events even changes thethought and world value of somebody. Still taking the Wenchuan earthquake for example(这里就不要总for example了，直接单刀直入)，I knowsome high school students living outside to earthquake-affecting areas changetheir majors to seismology in the university. Maybe some of them want to bebusinessmen or politicians at the first sight, but an earthquake make themclear that predicting earthquake accurately to save more people's lives isexactly what they want. Thus, I can safely say their trace of life haveobviously been changed by this events. （这个例子你改写一下，就说my friendschanged major balabala的，他本来是什么major，梦想是business，但后来看了地震以后是怎样的。这样可以使得这个例子更加具体真实specific。你写起来也会比较容易）

From the reasons listed about （above）, we can see the events happening around theworld definitely affect our life whether the change is conscious or unconsciou. We, human beings,interact with others. Therefore, we are inevitably affected by the eventsothers made.
根据OG评分标准
Address the writing topic effectively (有效地阐明主题)
Well organized and well-developed (条理清楚，发展充分)
Use specific details and examples to support your view (论据具体明确)
这三点都做到了
Word choices and sentence variety (遣词造句能力)
词汇量比较丰富。但是对复杂句式的把握能力不好，读起来非常拗口。建议多加斟酌。