Alex达不到29就是无。节。操。。。

chasedreamabc

哦，没关系，那天我再给你改

chasedreamabc

4.14 独立
Nowadays, complains complain that the students who graduated from colleges or universities are too immature to fully competent their jobs.  About complaints, as I concerned, universities or colleges should make more efforts to teach students some skills courses that will be beneficial to their future life. So, it is the time for colleges to offer subjects to their students. Only do they learn the theories in universities or colleges.

With the increasin fierce competition, interpersonal relationship is critical to every student who enters a society. Today's students are generally weak in  skills. For example, many students do not know how to use copy machine. If students could know those mummers earlier, they can avoid some unnecessarybarriers. Therefore, I believe students should learn basic mummers before them entry to society.

Additionally, students can acquire not only theory but also skills when colleges or universalities combine the theory with real skills before students are ready to step into companies. For instance, they need to learn how to make presentations perfectly or how to negotiate with customers. I convince that it would be better for students to systematically learn skills form courses, because students can discuss with teachers and learn theories in classes. Through that way, students can combine skills with theory more effectively.

Finally, universities should provide students opportunity to foster their social skill such as teamwork ability or leadership. It is the best way that is to offer relative courses. In the climate of serious competition, the best way to approach certain new projects is to assemble a group of people into a team.

In the view of e factors presented above, universities had better provide some course for students’ further development. After all, the students’ experience in universities is generally not enough for the coming challenges.

猪兔兔

Nowadays, complains complain(连用两个complain不太好吧，可不可以改成an increasing number of companies complain )that the students who graduated from colleges or universities are too immature to be fully competent their jobs.  About complaints, as I concerned, universities or colleges should make more efforts to teach students some skills courses that will be beneficial to their future life. So, it is the time for colleges to offer subjects to their students. Only do they learn the theories in universities or colleges.(觉得很累赘)

With the increasing fierce(两个形容词？把一个改成副词吧)competition, interpersonal relationship is critical to every student who enters a society. Today's students are generally weak in skills. For example, many students do not know how to use copy machine. If students could know those mummers earlier, they can avoid some unnecessary barriers. Therefore, I believe students should learn basic mummers before them entry to society.（你这段要标明的中心观点是啥？第一句一般是主题句，so你要表达人际关系的重要性？）

Additionally, students can acquire not only theory but also skills when colleges or universalities combine the theory with real skills before students are ready to step into companies. For instance, they need to learn how to make presentations perfectly or how to negotiate with customers. I convince that it would be better for students to systematically learn skills form courses, because students can discuss with teachers and learn theories in classes. Through that way, students can combine skills with theory more effectively.

Finally, universities should provide students opportunity to foster their social skill such as teamwork ability or leadership. It is the best way that is to offer relative courses. In the climate of serious competition, the best way to approach certain new projects is to assemble a group of people into a team.

In the view of e factors presented above, universities had better provide some course for students’ further development. After all, the students’ experience in universities is generally not enough for the coming challenges.



首先，字数才296.。。这个真心有点少啊~~~

其次，觉得我有点摸不清整体文章的框架，而且觉得部分句子略显晦涩~~~

还有就是论证不够具体，一定要写例子，这样，不仅你的文章有血有肉，而且字数也会马上增加。比方说，你可以说，你们学校没有这样的课啊，然后就怎么样了呀~~~

晨依Jacqueline

TPO10 修改
The reading passage and the lecture suggest two different theories—a predation theory and a pollution theory, to explain why the sea otter population is in rapid decline(虽然说了different theories，但是没有突出出来他们对立的关系，如果这个读者比较较真的话这个句子还有点小歧义：是passage和lecture一起说的两个理论啊还是各执一方啊，是不是啊，开头的硝烟味淡了点~)


First，the reading passage points out the sea is polluted without doubt, which(which不能指代前面的句子，这个是晨依的经典错误，Alex也要注意一下哦！) cause the death of sea otters. In contrast, the professor reasons that less death(dead adj.) sea otters washed up(being washed off  on) the coast suggests that their decline is not caused by water pollution but rather by sea predators who consume sea otters’ bodies after killing them.

Second, the lecturer argues that orcas are likely factors in the dead(death n.) of sea otters,(.) because(Because of) the scarcity of whales, their usual prey, has left them with no other choice but to start hunting smaller mammals such as the otters(可以多列举几个啊，details~ seals,sea lions). The reading passage, on the other hand, Rules out this theory based on the orca's preying habit, and instead approves of the pollution theory as the only explanation for the decline op both large and small sea mammals across the entire ecosystem.

Last, according to the lecturer, the uneven pattern of sea otter decline corresponds to the distribution of the orcas. However, the reading passage argues that changeable environmental factors, which lead to different concentrations of pollutants, better explains the varying pattern of sea otter decline.(Attention!这一段的要点不大对头啊，比如说orcas are so large to access shallow and rocky locations...and otters in these locations not declined...等等细节没有体现出来，强烈建议Alex再听听speech、会有更多的收获哦！)



【Conclusion~*】

这篇文章明显感觉不像Alex的真实水平啊，晨依多管闲事+大胆臆测地写一句话：Not pleased by external gains, not saddened by personal losses.(Alex我说的如果不对不要拍我...)和上一次修改很明显的是格式神马的都有了很好的调整和进步，但是听力部分仍然要加强一下，感觉要点还是有些差异、、、还是再听听文章好好理解一下吧~加油！

chasedreamabc

4.17 独立

Technology and sciences change large amounts of people’s important lives in the past decade years. As a matter of fact, once science and technology improve, people’s lives will change enormous. Thus, I indicate that improving technology and sciences continue change people’s important lives obviously.

The most important reason to relize is that, the development of technology and sciences have influenced people’s demand. In other words, at first, people do not have the demand, but when a new technology and science is created, people will need it. For example, nowadays many students search information by computer on internet. At that time, the new technology change people’s behavior. Recently, more new technology and sciences are created.

Equally important reason, everyone wants to have a perfect life during his or her life. Although people’s lives are at a high level, it also has some shortages. While the development of technology and science can remedy the questions, satisfying people’s requirement. People aspire better lives. For instance, long-distance passenger choose airplane instead of train when aircraft used in public transportations. Hence, according to technology and science progress, more shortages will be solved. This new development makes people’s important lives to change a lot. Science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

Finally, the development of technology is beyond people expected. In the past years, many technology and science developed beyond people’s expected. People do not know what will be developing in a next second. As a case in point, if scientists proclaim cancer can be treated, people’s important lives will change a lot.

To summarize, although people’s lives are at a top level, as long as Science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

gre呀gre

4.17 独立Technology and sciences change（改成have changed或者changed比较好） large amounts of people’s important（诶？important在这用起来很诡异啊~important life 和importantimprovement in life差很多哟~ 是不是打错了？） lives in the past decade years. As amatter of fact, once science and technology improve, people’s lives will changeenormous（enormously）. Thus, I indicate( indicate在这用的不太对，要是说观点的话换个词，如果想用这个词的话，被动会好一点，当“指出”的意思的时候，一般都是符号什么的做主语，要是人做注意的话，一般指出的方向或者人什么的~)that improvingtechnology and sciences （我觉得加上一个will会好一些）continue （to，或者把change改成changing）change people’s important livesobviously.


The most important reason to relize isthat, the development of technology and sciences have（has） influenced people’s demand. Inother words, at first, people do not（did not） have the demand, but when a new technology and（改成or会好一点） science is(改成has been会好一些) created, people willneed it. For example, nowadays many students search information by（with） computer（computers） on internet（Internet）. At that time, the new technologychange（changes） people’s behavior. Recently,（貌似托福的考官更喜欢看到currently，小道消息哟~） more new technology and sciences arecreated.（……然后呢？总感觉逻辑上还没结束啊~）

Equally important reason, everyone wants tohave a perfect life during his or her（his-or-her） life（和前面意思重复了）. Although people’s lives（nowadays） are at a high level, it（我不太确定这块是不是应该用单数，前面是lives，但是又可以把这些lives作为一个集体，所以不确定，求讨论） also（still好一些） has some shortages. While thedevelopment of technology and science can remedy the questions, satisfyingpeople’s requirement. People aspire better lives（我觉得这句话是想说While（while如果用的是转折，它表示对比的意思）the developmet and science can remedy（改成is remedying更好） thesequestions and satisfy people’s requirement, they still aspire（aspire是不及物动词，后面不能直接加宾语，改成pursue或者seek） better lives.）For instance,long-distance passenger（passengers） choose airplane instead of train when aircraft (has been) used in public transportations（单数）. Hence, according to technologyand science progress, more shortages（problems会好一些，shortage指的是数量上的缺少） will be solved. This new developmentmakes people’s important lives to change alot. Science and technology will continue toimprove, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s liveshave already taken place.（最后一句话逻辑是和你的主旨相反的啊~你的论点是尽管科技很发达了，但是因为科技不停的在进步，所以不能说在人们生活中最重要的改变已经到来了，但是这句话又说最重要的改变已经到来了，是不是少写了点什么？）

Finally, the development of technology isbeyond people expected. In the past years, manytechnology and science developed beyond people’s expected. （和上一句重复了）People do not know what willbe developing in a next second. As a case in point, if scientists proclaimcancer can be treated, people’s important lives will change a lot.（例子还需要再详细的展开说明一下，这一句话不能很好的说明第四段的分论点）

To summarize, although people’s lives areat a top level, as long as Science（science） and technology will continue to improve, the mostsignificant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already takenplace.（诶？是我理解错了咩？“尽管人们的生活水平已经达到了至高的境界，但是只要科技在不停的进步，在人们生活中最重要的改变已经到来了”？？？神马意思？）

P.S. 字数有点少诶，305个，还需要多打至少100个字，不过我的Word最近好像有毛病了，显示的字数会变少，也有可能是我的问题； 论点之间的逻辑有点相悖，首段和结尾段的意思是相反的（或者是我没看懂？）；例子再更详尽一点，最好能展开来说明分论点就更好了~ 加了个油~~~
P.S.S. 红色的是需要改正的，蓝色的是有疑问的~~~

chasedreamabc

4.19 独立

Comparatively speaking, some children complain that their homework is too hard to independently finish. Thus, they ask for parents' help. However, I disagree with their behavior. It is not beneficial for them. As to whether parents should help children to finish their children’s schoolwork, my opinion is like this: children should rely on them to finish schoolwork. My reasons are as follow.

Initially, finishing schoolwork independently are beneficial for children to make up a good characteristic, obviously. Surely, a child finishes his or her schoolwork independently, after growing up, will own autonomy than others who need parents’ help. What is more, a modern company acquires the employees need independent ability to solve a case. The independent one is more excellent than the other.

Beyond that, finishing schoolwork independent can easily find questions which the children do not know in the class. Because the homework is a method to help students find the shortages of the knowledge. For example, a child tries to think about solutions to problems. While he or she does not can finish schoolwork independent, the child must find a way to do it. After that, the child has a deep impression to similar homework than those whose parents help children finish homework. In addition, children’s schoolwork do not very difficult. The children’s would finish the work all by themselves.

Finally, children who independently finish schoolwork can get a pride of solving a difficult homework; even get a passion on study. For instance, when I was nine years old, I just did my math schoolwork, but a problem was very hard for me at that time. At first, I also wanted to ask for help, because I can fast finish my homework. However, I did think that problem independently. In the end, I solved that math problem independently, and I was very happy.

In sum, parents always want to help their children to do the homework. However, help do finish homework for their children may render the children less. Thus, Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork.

bechasing

4.19 独立

Comparatively speaking, some children complain that their homework is too hard to independently finish. Thus, they ask for parents' help. However, I disagree with their behavior. It is not beneficial for them. As to whether parents should help children to finish their children’s schoolwork, my opinion is like this: children should rely on them to finish schoolwork. My reasons are as follow.

Initially, finishing schoolwork independently are beneficial for children to make up a good characteristic, obviously. Surely, a child finishes his or her schoolwork independently, after growing up, will own autonomy than others who need parents’ help. What is more, a modern company acquires the employees need independent ability to solve a case. The independent one is more excellent than the other.

Beyond that, finishing schoolwork independent can easily find questions which the children do not know in the class. Because the homework is a method to help students find the shortages of the knowledge. For example, a child tries to think about solutions to problems. While he or she does not can finish schoolwork independent, the child must find a way to do it. After that, the child has a deep impression to similar homework than those whose parents help children finish homework. In addition, children’s schoolwork do not very difficult. The children’s would finish the work all by themselves.

Finally, children who independently finish schoolwork can get a pride of solving a difficult homework; even get a passion on study. For instance, when I was nine years old, I just did my math schoolwork, but a problem was very hard for me at that time. At first, I also wanted to ask for help, because I can fast finish my homework. However, I did think that problem independently. In the end, I solved that math problem independently, and I was very happy.

In sum, parents always want to help their children to do the homework. However, help do finish homework for their children may render the children less. Thus, Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork.

-- by 会员 chasedreamabc (2012/4/21 3:44:34)

Comparatively speaking(相较而言，相较什么而言？开头用这个显得语意不完整), some children complain that their homework istoo hard to independently finish. Thus, they ask for (感觉应该加上their) parents' help. However, I disagree with their behavior.It since it is not beneficial for them. As to whetherparents should help children to finish their children’s schoolwork, my opinionis like this: children should rely on them themselves (them指代不明，用themselves明确一些)to finish the schoolwork. My reasons are as follows.

Initially, finishing their schoolwork independently are beneficial for children tomake up a good characteristic, obviously(-ly用到太频繁了). Surely, achild finishes his or her schoolwork independently, after growing up, will own independent capabilities (独立能力) autonomy(=独立自治) than others who need parents’ help. What ismore, a modern companiesrequire companyacquires the employees need who have independent ability to solve a case. Theindependent one is more excellent than the other.

Beyond that, finishing schoolwork independentlycan easily find questions which the children do not know in the class. Because doing the homework is a method/mean to help students find out the shortages of the knowledge. For example, a child triesto think about figure out solutions to resolve the problems. While he or she does not can finishschoolwork independently, the childhe (she) must find away to do it. After that, the child will have hasa deeper impression of the to similar homework than those whose parents helpchildren them finish homework.In addition, children’s schoolwork are donot very difficult. The children’s would finish the work all by themselves. (children’s schoolwork are not as difficult asthey cannot finish it by themselves.)

Finally, children who independently finishschoolwork can get a pride of solving a difficult homeworks;even get/obtain(同一个词汇使用不要太多，注意同义词之间的转换) a passion on study. For instance, when I wasnine years old, I just did my math schoolwork, but a problem was very hard forme at that time. At first, I also wanted to ask for help, because I could can fast finish my homework. However, I did thinkthat problem independently. In the end, I solved that math problemindependently, and I was very happy.

In sum, parents always want to help theirchildren to do the homework. However, helping do finish homework for their children may render them the children less. Thus, Parents should encourage theirchildren to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to dotheir schoolwork.

bechasing

建议：加强句子结构练习，积累常用写作词汇。加油加油~~~

我的作文帖在
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-701119-4-1.html

chasedreamabc

4.22 独立

In this day and age, the main role of university professor has been thrown into sharp relief. People remain divided over whether they are supposed to be educators or researchers. I tend to agree with that they should pay more attention to education rather than research.

At the very beginning, most fundamental knowledge and skills, which are useful to students' job hunting process, are from college courses. Without careful instructing, students may not find a proper job and then the college will lose its reputation gradually. For example, my major is finance. We have to learn a large number of professional theories and skills which are all come from professors. If they do not pay enough attention to educating, we will lose competition when find jobs because of poor grasp of knowledge and practice skills. Investment banking will not want to hire graduates from our college and finally our college may have difficulty in enrolling new students. This is a vital problem to a university. So professors are supposed to educate students carefully to guarantee college's reputation and attract increasingly numbers of excellent students.

Also, age from 18 to 25 is the time when most people generate their real interests and decide to choose which field as their lifelong career, so professors should pay more attention on students' education to guide them finding their own way. Otherwise, there may be more perplexed adolescents wander on the street having no jobs. For example, Li Kaifu, previous CEO in Google China, once was a law student in Columbia University, USA, but he found he had a huge interest in computer science when he attended an elective. Then he transferred to school of computer science. Without the professor who stimulated Li's interest to computer and professors who helped him to reach his goal we will lose an outstanding leader in IT industry.

Granted, someone may indicate that educating to students will distract professors from research which is also important to professors and universities. Instead, I assert that discussing with students sometimes can inspire professors’ idea and help them reach a high stage in their research. For example, my instructor Professor Gent, whose research area is similar to my graduation thesis, likes to discuss with me about issues in our research field when she guides my thesis. We often can inspire each other, which is a wonderful experience.

Thus, given education from professor benefits students’ professional knowledge and skills and their career choice and students and professors can inspire each other during the process of instructing, the main role of university professor is educating.