xiaofan的写作贴，大家一起加油！

xiaofan0205

写在开始：
从上小学开始，作文就一直是楼主的弱项。中文的作文都不知道怎么写，英文的更是让楼主手足无措。

但是在备考以及打算申请的过程中，楼主深知写作的重要性，因为写作不仅仅关系到托福作文，也关系到essay的好坏！

于是终于下定决心去攻克这个难题，加入写作大家庭，希望大家一起加油，都能取得好成绩！

xiaofan0205

【0710】独立写作：Patience is usually not a good thing. We should take actions at once.

Whether or not patience is usually a good thing, people's opinion differs from person to person. Some people think that we should take actions at once, however, I do not agree with it. I would rather be patient before I see the big picture of the whole thing.

Admittedly, sometimes we may meet the situation that we don't have enough time to be patient; we must take actions at once to avoid losing chance. Otherwise, we should always as patient as we can before take any actions.

Firstly, patience provides enough time to do more research and avoid making mistakes. People always make mistakes if they don't know what happened exactly. The consequence will be much better if we can be patient and learn more about the whole thing. For example, I once signed up for a group tour to Lantao Island in Hong Kong, being attracted by the beautiful landscape pictures posted in the advertisement. But later on in the journey I was disappointed because the actual scenery was never as attractive as what I had expected. Therefore, be patient and do more research about the trip should definitely help me to avoid making such bad decision.

Secondly, patience helps you to achieve more opportunity to be success. As we all know, most famous person need to face thousands of failure before success. If we don’t have patience and decide to give up at once when we failure, we will not achieve any attainment at all. For example, my mother sent my sister and I to study dancing when we were young. We liked dancing, but the practice of dancing is too hard for a little girl, so we did not dance well at the beginning. Then I decided to give up after several weeks while my sister still wants to try for a few more days. It won’t surprise you that I still can’t dance well today while my sister is a good dancer. Be patient when you encounter problems is especially important to solve it well in the end.

To sum up, in the light of discussion above, patience is not only a good thing but also a excellent character. We should always be patient before take any actions.


绞尽脑汁，花了很长时间才写了这么一点，都快写哭了！请大家拍砖。

坚持！相信自己一定可以写的更好！

jiajy930809

我改你的哦~~~ 我先M一下明天改好发上来~~~

xiaofan0205

jiajy930809 发表于 2014-7-11 00:11
我改你的哦~~~ 我先M一下明天改好发上来~~~

嗯哪，谢谢哦~~~

jiajy930809

Whether or not patience is usually a good thing, people's opinion （people是不是复数应该是opinions differ？）differs from person to person. Some people think that we should take actions at once, however, I do not agree with it.（这里我觉得这句话有些突兀，可以和后面那句连成一个句子，比如 I do not agree since...） I would rather be patient before I see the big picture of the whole thing.

Admittedly, sometimes we may meet the situation that we don't have enough time to be patient; we must take actions at once to avoid losing chance. Otherwise, we should always as patient as we can before take any actions.(感觉这一段有些短，结构上不好看，再写一句吧！)

Firstly, patience provides enough time to do more research and avoid making mistakes. People always make mistakes if they don't know what happened exactly. The consequence will be much better if we can be patient and learn more about the whole thing.（感觉这两句话应该用一个连词链接一下，比如thus） For example, I once signed up for a group tour to Lantao Island in Hong Kong, being attracted by the beautiful landscape pictures posted in the advertisement. But later on in the journey I was disappointed because the actual scenery was never as attractive as what I had expected. Therefore, be patient and do more research about the trip should definitely help me to avoid making such bad decision（such a bad decision）.

Secondly, patience helps you to achieve more opportunity to be success（successful）. As we all know, most famous person need to face thousands of failure before success. If we don’t have patience and decide to give up at once when we failure, we will not achieve any attainment at all. For example, my mother sent my sister and I to study dancing when we were young. We liked dancing, but the practice of dancing is too hard for a little girl, so we did not dance well （这个表达怪怪的） at the beginning. Then I decided to give up after several weeks while my sister still wants（wanted）to try for a few more days. It won’t surprise you that I still can’t dance well today while my sister is a good dancer. Be patient when you encounter problems is especially important to solve it well in the end. （楼主可以找一些词来替换well这个词，它出现的太频繁了 = = ）

To sum up, in the light of discussion above, patience is not only a good thing but also a excellent character（我觉得这句总结有些太笼统了，可以改成你上面两个理由的改写）. We should always be patient before take any actions.

xiaofan0205

jiajy930809 发表于 2014-7-11 13:07
Whether or not patience is usually a good thing, people's opinion （people是不是复数应该是opinions d ...

谢谢jiajy，我再好好琢磨一下~~~

jiajy930809

xiaofan0205 发表于 2014-7-11 15:56
谢谢jiajy，我再好好琢磨一下~~~

好哒~~~ 一起讨论~！

xiaofan0205

【0712】独立写作：during times of economy crisis，你認為政府應該減少下面哪一方面少花錢？
(1)   Education (2)Health Care (3)Support for unemployed


During times of economy crisis, in order to save money, government should implement many proposals to decrease cost. However, people’s opinion differs from person to person on which aspect they should decrease such as education, health care, and support for unemployed. As far as I am concerned, cost on health care should be the first to decrease.

To begin with, there is no doubt that during times of economy crisis, more and more people will lose their job, the income will become less even for those who still keep their position, thus people will spend less result from the fear of future. It is a vicious circle since it is consumption that gives impetus to economic growth. Therefore, government should spend more money to stop this vicious circle. Support for unemployed is definitely a good way to do it. It is evident that the more support for unemployed, the more people will get jobs, then the better for the economic growth.

Secondly, everybody knows that during times of economy crisis, it is difficult to find a job. So it is a good option for us to go back to the college for further education. Hence government should encourage its citizen to prepare themselves for the further development of economy. Take my sister for example. When she lost her job during last economy crisis, she decided to take a MBA program in the University of California. After two years of hard working, she improved her knowledge and skill, and found an excellent job in P&G.

On the contrary, during times of economy crisis, people care more about their health. They will cook at home in order to save money, which will also make them away from fast food and lead to a healthier lifestyle. They will also spend more time to do exercise since it is the better way to relax and entertainment without spending money. So it will not influence too many people if the government decrease cost on health care. My uncle is a good example, he used to be a very busy man before the last economy crisis, he don’t have any time to exercise and always drink too much wine during the business dinner. So he got fat and need to see the doctor twice a month. However, during the time of economy, he had a lot of time to exercise and went home for dinner every day. Eventually, he lost 20 pounds and didn’t have to see the doctor every month.

To sum up, in the light of discussion above, we can draw the conclusion that health care is the fitful aspect that government can spend less money. But education and support for unemployed are two essential parts which play important roles in the recovery of economy.

chasedreamabc

7.12 独立修改
我是错误君，我叫写的对但建议，这是超赞， 瓦是总结
During times of economy crisis （经济危机：economic crisis，参考：http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/may/16/egypt-worst-economic-crisis-1930s，英国卫报）, in order to save money（economize，高级，精炼）, government（可数名词不能单独出现，前面+a） should implement many proposals（proposal表示建议，gov.执行的应该是policy，policies） to decrease cost（+s，减少的成本不止一个，和gov.的错误类型一样）. However, people’s opiniondiffers from person to person on which aspect theyshould decrease such as education, health care, and support forunemployed. As far as I am concerned, （the+）cost on （of，the cost of，固定搭配，…的花费，成本）health care should be the first to decrease.(上句刚用了decrease，cut down)

To begin with, there is no doubt that during times of economy crisis（economiccrisis，四段首句都用了一个句子during times of，过分单一了，还可以用in economic crisis；during these times；in financial crisis）, more and more（plenty of）people will（crisis失业是普遍现象，用一般现在时，）lose their job（+s）,（逗号不能连接2个句子哦，“，and”） the income will become less even for（including，没觉得有递进的意思）those who still keep their position（+s）, thus （注意哦，我连逗号一起红色了，thus是adv.不能连接2个独立完整的句子，把 “，”改成“.” 或者用so）people will spendless result from the fear of future. It is a vicious circlesince it is consumptionthat gives impetus to economic growth. Therefore, （a, +）government should spend more money to stop (break)this vicious circle(上一句说消费带动的经济增长是一种恶性循环，但你没有把circle的logical line 表示出来，A→B→A). Supportfor unemployed is definitely a good way to do it. It is evident that （显得啰嗦了）the more support for unemployed, the more people willget jobs, then the better for the economic growth.

Secondly, everybody knows that during times of economy crisis（economic crisis）, it is difficult to find a job.（findinga job is difficult,多变化句型） So it is a good option for us to go back to thecollege for further education. Hence （the+）government should encourage its citizen to prepare themselvesfor the further development of economy （economic development）. Take my sister for（as，take sb.As example,以某人为例）example. When she lost her job during last economy crisis（the last economic crisis，上一次经济危机）, she decided totake a MBA program in the University of California. After two years of hardworking, she improved her knowledge and skill, and found an excellent job inP&G.

On the contrary（短语表达相反的意思，上文谈到政府减少失业率，支持继续教育，本段是民众自己注意了健康，gov.可以省下开支，逻辑上没有转折，依旧是延续decrease health care，“finally”，）, during times of economy crisis（economiccrisis）, people care more about their health. They will cook at home in order to save money, which （which只能就近指代名词，不能指一整句话，详见：CD中关于which的讲解，回避which，用not only…but also，they cook at home not only to savemoney, but also to far from the fast food.）also make them away from fast food andlead to a healthier lifestyle.They will also spend more time to do exercise since it is the(不需要特指，a) better way to relax and entertainment（and表示并列，其所并列部分要求相一致，relax是verb，entertainment是noun，entertain，enjoy）without spending money（free，no charge都可以表示免费）. So it willnot influence too many people if the government decrease cost on （the cost of）health care. My uncle is a good example, he used to bea very busy man before the last economy crisis（economic crisis）, he don’t （did not，这个=。=，已经无力了）have（英式一般讲don’t have, 美式haven’t） any time to exercise and always drink（明显时态的问题，uncle没时间是在before，所以drink用过去式，drank，always的逻辑有误） too much wine during the business dinner. So he got fat and need to see the doctor twice a month. However,during the time of economy, he had a lot of timeto exercise and went home for dinner every day.Eventually, he lost 20 pounds and didn’t have to see the doctor every（per） month.（一月看2次医生可以看为一个周期，也可以用periodically）

To sum up, in the light of discussion above, we can draw the conclusion thathealth care is the fitful aspect that （a+）government can spend less money. But education and support forunemployed are two essential parts which play important roles in the (a) recovery of（in） economy.

PS：可能还有问题，但是已经眼花了
一些基础的语法，词汇啦增长潜力巨大

xiaofan0205

chasedreamabc 发表于 2014-7-13 11:15
7.12 独立修改
我是错误君，我叫写的对但建议，这是超赞， 瓦是总结
During times of economy crisis （经 ...

果然是高手，问题说的一针见血，还改的这么细致，好感动！

我一定好好练习，多多提高，才不枉费你修改的这么辛苦呀~~~~