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sallygreen

加入作文互改小组拉拉啊，拿下作文！！

sallygreen

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.
字数：673w  时间：1h 10mins

No one can deny that young people in modern society are more mature than peer in the past, considering myriads of convenience brought from the development of science and technology. So, whether young people become increasingly independent is under controversy. I totally agree with the title statement that compared the 15-18 year-old living decades ago, nowadays, these young boys and girls are prone to make decision based on their own ideas and thoughts in most circumstances.

Undeniably, these years, more and more young people can go on to higher education with acquiring more knowledge by comparison with early times. In the past, when people usually possess low education level or even have none, parents’ experiences and thoughts are the whole source for judging. Thus, parents’ perspectives exert deep influence upon young people, causing that the young’s decisions hinge on their parents overmuch. Today, however, through high education, young people will form their own sense of life, world and value, leading that when in face of difficulties or divergence, young people in this era would rather make up their own faith.

Needless to say, it is easier to get various kinds of information in modern society, since the popularization of media, which will assist young people to get more objective materials to assist them to make decision. This is a total “plat” world, through multi-media, billions of data can be obtained every time and everywhere. From the new scientific discovery to the war in the Middle East, from the economic crisis happened in Europe to the World Cup held in South Africa, things happened in every corner of the world can be known worldwide in no minute through the Internet. So, what young people are supposed to do before they make a point is just search. From this angle, how can we say young people living in this kind of situation are increasingly dependent? In addition, in this era of rapid social and technological changes contributing to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, the good decision in parents’ time would be out of date.

Some people, admittedly, may as well say that young people’s dependent occurs whenever in the last century or nowadays taking into account that their age, their incomplete thoughts or their angle of starting thinking while confronting a problem. Yet, modern parents have realized from within and without that young people should be more self-planning. On one hand, more and more women have their own job, and they have no time to take care of their children as much as before. They would not decide every trivial stuff for young people. On the other hand, more and more parents have realized a fact that though young people’s thoughts are not perfect and logical, that does not mean their parents have right to let them pass life as parents’ blue script. And children in that age tend to produce rebel psychology, which might cause reverse results if parents force them that much.

In addition, the extent to which changes of young people depending on parents over time is not identical in different country. In developed country, parents already focused on independent education from an early age, so that young people there possess high sense of independent all the time. While, in developing country, like my country—China, parents in 1950s made decision for their children. Parents at that age always kept misunderstanding to something and discrimination to some career, such as a singer. Never would parents allow their children to develop to be a singer in that age. Yet, today is changing.

In retrospect, considering our society being developing by leaps and bounds, parents’ function on making decision for their children have been weaken. Young people have received higher education, had access to acquire more information through media, and their parents have transferred their notion. In spite, parents are the first teacher for children, and they will, more or less, influence young people’s decision, however, the final decider will be young people themselves while parents just play a role to offer suggestions.

额，这次写的字叔无敌多了，时间也无情的超了。，。麻烦给我改的童鞋了！！

lyslj001

oh yeah~  求sallygreen姐姐改作文哪~ 我明天也帮你改哈

sallygreen

昨天昨天的：8.17 independent::

School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient teaching rewards.
So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?
Time: 1h30mins
W: 额， 791w

As the level of employees in a company can, to large extent, reflect the height the company  will achieve, the standard of teachers in a school also decide the rank the school locates. Accordingly, a suitable assessment system will be indispensable and play an essential role to supervise the performance of a teacher. Based on this, so, who should form a team to evaluate teachers, students or other teachers? I would rather to achieve a complete assessment from both if possible, but considering the limitation of time, cost and energy, I cannot agree more the point that students will be the best judger.

Undeniably, teacher’s work is to deliver knowledge to students. Whether they did a good job or just make a teaching process perfunctorily, students are those who know teachers best. Compared to the other teachers, firstly, students spend longer with their teachers. During the class, students can attention the whole methods of teaching of a certain teacher. In extracurricular time, through asking for help about some problems, not only can student know the teacher’s knowledge level, but they can notice whether the teacher is responsible for students or just deal with his/her single teaching job in class, which is not the meaning of true education. Taking one of my high school teachers, Mr. Lee as an instance, no one will deny that he really does a good job inside classroom—he always prepares a particular subject material and learning case for every class. However, every time when students go to his office for asking for extensive questions, either he will refuse or has not ability to answer them. How can students give him a high score based on that? Moreover, different communication content formed among teachers or between students and teachers also determines the necessary of evaluation from students. Under most circumstances, the communication in teachers is just some trivial topics or colleague chats, which cannot be regarded as an important part to assess a teacher.

Besides, the evaluation from students will be more objective than that from other teachers, considering the potential relationship between them. Obviously, the relevance between students and teachers is more pure—teaching and being taught simply say, while among teachers, just as employees in a company, is totally complicated. In more cases, clique may as well be formed and intense competitive relationship will exert a decisive influence when evaluating. It cannot be eliminated that if a teacher is competing a professor position with another teacher, he definitely will score that teacher as low as possible, yet this kind of situation is ill-persuasive and can demonstrate nothing except that the two teachers is under a competitive relationship. Let me make this point deeper. The competitive relationship is mutual, which leads that another teacher also will evaluate his/her opponent subjectively. The result is that the assessment forms from the two teachers are invalid. Worse, the most important thing is that we do not know the specific relationship in the teacher network. Therefore, marking among teachers will be subjective, infeasible and unreliable.  

Some people, admittedly, could refute that students might produce unjust appraise to teachers when the teachers’ teaching method is unpalatable for himself/herself. I concede that this kind of situation is in all probability, after all, it cannot be evitable in consideration of various characteristics and habits from different students. However, it is popularization of teaching method of a teacher that should be treated as a vital part of assessing. Based on the huge amount of students, if teacher has an applicable and popular method to most students, it is impossible that his score from students is low. In contrast, an under-average remark just can illustrate his poor teaching horizon. In addition, it seems that students will easily get influence or be credulous to others’ suggestion. From my point of view, in comparison with these among teachers, this condition will occur in an extremely low probability and the colossal amount of students will readily rectify that from statistics angle.

Another thing I will suggest to consider is that the age of students. Namely, different level school should adopt different measures to conduct this assessment job. Primary school, where students just the children during their 6 – 13 years old, had better let teachers assistant students to finish remarks. Yet, in university or college, it will be a taboo if teachers are ongoing any interference in the whole process of remarking.

In retrospection, since the communication between students and teachers is more valid regarding to evaluating the education level of a teacher, students’ assessment is more objective and the colossal quantity of students will avoid statistics error, I strongly hold the opinion that a teacher’s performance which is concerned about efficient teaching rewards should be finished by students.


额，原来我是个话唠。。，。又多了。。麻烦咯！！
lyslj001童鞋，要不要来这篇啊？哈哈。，。

sallygreen

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-18 01:01
oh yeah~  求sallygreen姐姐改作文哪~ 我明天也帮你改哈

改完啦！！

lijinglol

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-18 12:02
昨天昨天的：8.17 independent::

School always collect information of the teaching performance of tea ...

八……八百字……
我慢慢看起……不过尽量按考试模式来吧……毕竟学会放弃自己的语句和意图也是作家很重要的一个品质……
童鞋我的作文一会马上交哈~表着急~

sallygreen

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-18 13:07
八……八百字……
我慢慢看起……不过尽量按考试模式来吧……毕竟学会放弃自己的语句和意图也是作家很重 ...

咦咦~你的作文呢?

xiaxiaya

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-17 17:27
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on ...

No one can deny that young people in modern society are more mature than peer（学习一个换词） in the past, considering myriads of convenience brought from the development of science and technology. So, whether young people become increasingly independent is under controversy. I totally agree with the title statement that compared（when compared with 其实compared 的很多用法我一直没搞清楚，所以只能给一个自己唯一能确定是正确的用法^^） the 15-18 year-old (我不太确定是不是能the + 年龄来代表一类人，如果楼主确定，请忽略我哈~) living decades ago, nowadays, these young boys and girls（楼主的换词很灵活呀~） are prone to make decision based on their own ideas and thoughts in most circumstances.

Undeniably, these years, more and more young people can go on to （？go on to education 楼主确定吗？） higher education with （直接用不定式就好了~） acquiring more knowledge by comparison with early times. In the past, when people usually possess low education level （prossess a level ? 改成be in a lower .. 可能更好一些） or even have none, parents’ experiences and thoughts are（were） the whole source for judging. Thus, parents’ perspectives exert deep influence (这个exert influence 好高级。。) upon young people, causing that the young’s decisions hinge on （取决于，赞） their parents overmuch. Today, however, through high education, young people will form their own sense of life, world and value, leading that when in face of difficulties or divergence, young people in this era would rather make up their own faith (请教楼主。。make up faith是？).

Needless to say, it is easier to get various kinds of information in modern society, since the popularization of media, which will assist young people to get more objective materials to assist them to make decision. This is a total “plat” world ( 好像这样表达不太常见~), through multi-media, billions of data can be obtained every time and everywhere （用any...可能更好~）. From the new scientific discovery to the war in the Middle East, from the economic crisis happened in Europe to the World Cup held in South Africa,（这样的举例很强势呀） things happened in every corner of the world can be known worldwide in no minute（好像也不太常见~。。楼主原谅我的无知。。） through the Internet. So, what young people are supposed to do before they make a point is just search. From this angle, how can we say young people living in this kind of situation are increasingly dependent? In addition, in this era of rapid social and technological changes contributing to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, the good decision in parents’ time would be out of date.

Some people, admittedly, may as well ( 楼主是不是想说“可能还是会说”，不过may as well是有特定的用法的~是“最好还是...”的意思) say that young people’s dependent occurs whenever in the last century or nowadays taking into account that their age, their incomplete thoughts or their angle of starting thinking while confronting a problem（这个列举挺好的，学习了）. Yet, modern parents have realized from within（from within 这个也是有固定意义“从心里，由内心”，这个from within and without楼主如果确定有据可寻，请忽略我的无知^^） and without that young people should be more self-planning（换词，学习了）. On one hand, more and more women have their own job, and they have no time to take care of their children as much as before. They would not (有一些些不太准确，我更建议用cannot，原谅我的吹毛求疵。。) decide every trivial stuff for young people. On the other hand, more and more parents have realized a fact that though young people’s thoughts are not perfect and logical, that does not mean their parents have right to let them pass life （grow up可能更好一些~） as parents’ blue script （“蓝图”的意思？）. And children in that age tend to produce rebel psychology （^^。。became rebel）, which might cause reverse results (楼主词汇很丰富~只是用词稍微有点不太准确) if parents force ( 虽然force语法上没错，push 可能更准确？) them that much.

In addition, the extent to which changes of young people depending on parents over time (从句里好像句子成分不完整) is not identical in different country. In developed country, parents already focused on independent education from an early age, so that young people there possess high sense of independent all the time. While, in developing country, like my country—China, parents in 1950s made decision for their children. Parents at that age always kept misunderstanding to something and discrimination to （misunderstand和discriminate都是及物动词呢~不过楼主好像想用keep +n +to sth..我不知道这个是不是有语法错误。。） some career, such as a singer. Never would parents allow their children to develop to be a singer in that age. Yet, today is changing. （发现倒装一枚）
【这一段感觉楼主说理和论证结合得很好~。。可是感觉这个好像对论述今夕对比没太大帮助。。希望楼主给解释解释~】

In retrospect （这个多用在回忆往事里呢。。用用in conclusion之类的吧~）, considering our society being developing by leaps and bounds（这个phrase赞！）, parents’ function on（虽然function的确是不及物动词，可是用作名词的时候 function on这个还是第一次见到。。） making decision for their children have been weaken. Young people have received higher education, had access to acquire more information through media, and their parents have transferred（好像transfer notion搭配不太对~） their notion. In spite, parents are the first teacher for children, and they will, more or less, influence young people’s decision, however, the final decider will be young people themselves while parents just play a role to offer suggestions.
【恩，最后一段感觉楼主好像写high了有点偏了，没有强调今天更独立这个点，而是转去强调孩子更能自主自立做决定这个点上了~虽然里面有对整个文章的理由做总结】

sallygreen

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 19:26
No one can deny that young people in modern society are more mature than peer（学习一个换词） in t ...

xiaxiaya真有效率！！ 你说的都很在点上呢，有些用法确实不太准确，我会改正滴~！！
关于最后一段啊~我是想扩展一下，想说不同地方change的程度不太一样，toefl写这样的一段行么~不太确定哎

xiaxiaya

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-19 21:05
xiaxiaya真有效率！！ 你说的都很在点上呢，有些用法确实不太准确，我会改正滴~！！
关于最后一段啊~我是 ...

^^。。。拖了好久，是在是对不起，因为前两天换新的队长，而且帖子跟得比较乱，就有点混乱了

其实我也不是很确定什么写法最好，只是看的好多书、结合大家写的情况来看，2段或3段的论证段，全都一边倒，就很好了~扩展什么的，其实不太常见有人写

以楼主的词汇和写作情况看，我感觉只需要加强一下用词的准确性，就会拿个不错的分~