写作不可怕，有恒心，高分拿~ 求狠批！！！

lyslj001

今天正式开始每天写作小分队训练啦！
go~

lyslj001

12 Aug
At university and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal finacial support. (发现我找到的题目跟小分队里面写的有一点点不一样，不过就按这个写吧~）
473 words

Universities and colleges tend to weigh the benefits and costs when deciding where to spend money. Since good quality of classes and large amounts of books in libraries contribute to good performance of students, enhancing reputation for academic and educational excellence, universities usually devote millions of dollars in classes and libraries. Extracurricular activities such as sports and social activities are, however, showing their increasing importance in comprehensive development of university students. So people may wonder whether these sports and social activities are as important as classes and libraries. And should they acquire equal financial support? My answer is yes.

First and foremost, sports are as important as academics for university students. As we know, People in this day and age consume much junk food. According to a most recent survey, 20 percent of adults in my country are too wide. What’s more, teenagers and young adults are easily addicted to computer games, resulting in problems such as weak health condition, poor eye-sights, and mental illness. Sports are the key to all these problems. When doing sports, students strengthen their health condition, make acquaintance to new friends, and distract attention from high pressure from study and focus on study better. Therefore, to help students gain healthy bodies and minds, thus study efficiently, universities should encourage their students to attend sports activities and should devote money in better sports facilities.

Second, social activities are also as important as academics for university students. Through those social activities, students acquire experience in social interactions and teamwork, thus adapting to the fierce competition in career better. For example, I used to be a really shy girl who dared not talk to strangers. Things changed after I joined several clubs, where I practiced my communication skills through parties, practiced my speech skills through presentations, and improved my leadership through organizing activities. The experience in social activities made me much more sophisticated and confident in dealing with complex stuffs, and even with my academics!

Furthermore, not only should universities adopt liberal policies towards those extracurricular activities, but also they should provide enough financial support to these activities. Though supportive policies are sure to arise more attention on sports and social activities and encourage more students to attend these activities, without money, student organizations will not run those activities effectively and with high quality. Holding a football game, for instance, requires both suitable football court and money for advertising, hiring judges, and buying other materials. In addition, since these activities are as important as classes and libraries, they are worth equal amount of money as classes and libraries.

To conclude, extracurricular activities like sports and social activities are as important as classes and libraries in developing students comprehensively. To help students make better performance, universities should encourage and provide equal financial support to sports and social activities as classes and libraries.

Kate1992

12 Aug
At university and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal finacial support. (发现我找到的题目跟小分队里面写的有一点点不一样，不过就按这个写吧~）
473 words
【黄色部分是值得学习的部分，绿色部分是需要修改的部分】
Universities and colleges tend to weigh the benefits and costs when deciding where to spend money.【开头的点题很棒，对应financial support】 Since good quality of classes and large amounts of books in libraries contribute to good performance of students, enhancing reputation for academic and educational excellence, universities usually devote millions of dollars in【devote...to...】 classes and libraries. Extracurricular activities such as sports and social activities are, however, showing their increasing importance in comprehensive development of university students. So people may wonder whether these sports and social activities are as important as classes and libraries. And should they acquire equal financial support? My answer is yes. 【点题 提出观点】
【lz开头写的很精彩！思路很清晰~先写class重要，再指出sports的重要性，然后提出自己的观点，这样开头就很丰富了~】

First and foremost, sports are as important as academics for university students. 【观点1】As we know, People in this day and age consume much junk food. According to a most recent survey, 20 percent of adults in my country are too wide.【lz是想说20%人吃junk food，这个数字是非常巨大的吧，但单单这个句子的意思是20%的成年人太宽了，感觉不恰当，可以改成 20percent of adults ... do so, which is a large proportion.】 What’s more, teenagers and young adults are easily addicted to computer games, resulting in problems such as weak health condition, poor eye-sights, and mental illness. Sports are the key to all these problems. When doing sports, students strengthen【用improve更好一些】 their health condition, make acquaintance to【make acquaintances with】 new friends, and distract attention from【release】 high pressure from study and focus on study better. Therefore, to help students gain healthy bodies and minds, thus study【studying】 efficiently, universities should encourage their students to attend sports activities and should devote money in 【to】better sports facilities.【总结观点】
【这段道理说的挺清楚的，将sports的重要性，而且用词也很多样~】

Second, social activities are also as important as academics for university students. 【观点2，句式有点和观点1重复了，可以试着变一下】Through those social activities, students acquire experience in social interactions and teamwork, thus adapting to the fierce competition in career better. For example, I used to be a really shy girl who dared not talk to strangers. Things changed after I joined several clubs, where I practiced my communication skills through parties, practiced my speech skills through presentations, and improved my leadership through organizing activities. The experience in social activities made me much more sophisticated and confident in dealing with complex stuffs, and even with my academics!
【这段举了自己的例子很精彩~】
【前两段都是说的sports和activities的重要性，它们的确是很重要，但是好像没有体现出as important as classes 来，不妨加几句，这些好处和能力是class和library提供不了的但是对于未来发展十分重要的，因为大学的作用就是要qualify students for their future career嘛】

Furthermore, not only should universities adopt liberal policies towards those extracurricular activities, but also they should provide enough financial support to these activities. Though supportive policies are sure to arise more attention on sports and social activities and encourage more students to attend these activities, without money, student organizations will not run those activities effectively and with high quality. Holding a football game, for instance, requires both suitable football court and money for advertising, hiring judges, and buying other materials. In addition, since these activities are as important as classes and libraries, they are worth equal amount of money as classes and libraries. 【这个总结很精彩】

To conclude, extracurricular activities like sports and social activities are as important as 【这个as important as 出现的次数有点多了，可以试着换一下~譬如the same status 等等】classes and libraries in developing students comprehensively. To help students make better performance, 【这个make performance不是很恰当，可以说behave better】universities should encourage and provide equal financial support to sports and social activities as classes and libraries.

【lz句式很多样，用词很丰富，英语基础非常扎实，没有任何语法错误，非常值得学习】
【把和class的比较加进去逻辑就更完整了，一直说一方如何如何好，怎么怎么重要，还是不能说明同等重要，需要相同的财政支持】
【我要多向lz学习呢~一起努力！】

lyslj001

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-13 16:28
12 Aug
At university and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and ...

我觉得你提的建议都相当精准有木有！！！ 很多细致的点我自己检查了一遍也没有发现。另外，确实，在强调activities和classes同等重要上面还是不够有说服力，只是一味在说activities的重要性，不够辩证。  灰墙感谢啊！  再接再厉！

Kate1992

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-14 11:26
我觉得你提的建议都相当精准有木有！！！ 很多细致的点我自己检查了一遍也没有发现。另外，确实，在强调a ...

这就是互改的魅力呢~~自己没能发现的问题可能别人就能看到~~一起努力吧~~

lyslj001

14 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The rules in societies today are too strict for young people.
515 words.

It seems that people always concern much about the development of young individuals. Articles in magazines and newspapers like to compare the situation of young people nowadays with those in the past, coming out with varieties of sounded theories. Recently, a topic that whether the rules in societies today are too strict for young people has raised wide concerns. Although people who in favor of this statement have cited pieces of evidence to support their claims, from my point of view, I believe this statement is overstated, that is, Young individuals in our society are not under too strict social rules.

In the first place, young people are provided with enough liberty in choosing their path of life. Admittedly, to survive under the increasing fierce competition, young adults have no other choices but to study and work hard, sacrificing much time for entertainment. We cannot, however, make the conclusion the social rules are too strict for these young adults. In fact, with the development of our life, fewer people have to struggle to satisfy basic needs, and more people have started chasing their interests and dreams, especially young people. For instance, for a young boy regards football player as his goal, he will find it not difficult to have friends to practice football with, to enter football schools for professional trainings, or to win support from parents and friends. For a young man 100 years ago, by contrast, he might find nowhere to get trainings and practice, more often, he would have to start the same job as his father and take responsibility of the whole family at a very young age.

Second, as the society advances, young people tend to have more chances for success. Raise the internet as an example, young people can have easy access to valid information they want when on line. They get free consult and courses, share experienced with each other, and make acquaintance to their business partners. All these make it much easier to realize their goal than their parents' generations.

Furthermore, the advancement of society also changes people's concept about success, making its border wider. In the past, people used to view success as having supreme power and possessing large amount of money. Those who enjoyed a peaceful like without large fortune were not deemed to be successful. As a result, young people were under strict social rules, which required them to struggle hard for money and power. Things are all changed in this day and age. When looking through the experience of the candidates for 2013 JCI outstanding Young, I found their path towards success varied: working as a volunteer without paying, giving up comfortable life to chase for real dreams, and keep fighting with severe diseases without giving in. In today's society, success is no longer far away from young people, but everyone can make it.

In a nutshell, it's overstated to conclude that young individuals now are under too strict social rules. In the contrast, they are facing with more career choices, more chances to achieve their dreams, and more support in the way to success.

lyslj001

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-15 17:45
14 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

求批改呀求批改~~

laneesherry

不好意思今天有事出门去了，先mark，我稍后会上传我的作文并过来批改<(_ _)>

====================================

0814 作文批改

蓝色字是个人意见及建议
黄色高亮是个人认为用得比较好的地方

It seems that people always concern much about the development of young individuals（开篇点题很到位！）. Articles in magazines and newspapers like to compare the situation of young people nowadays with those in the past, coming out with varieties of sounded theories.（首段最主要的是提出观点，在这样的前提，这句话略显啰嗦，建议和前面或后面一句话合并为一句） Recently, a topic that whether the rules in societies today are too strict for young people has raised wide concerns. Although people who in favor of this statement have cited pieces of evidence to support their claims, from my point of view, I believe this statement is overstated, that is, Young individuals in our society are not under too strict social rules.（首段用词很好，但是略显沉长，建议精简）

In the first place, young people are provided with enough liberty in choosing their path of life. Admittedly, to survive under the increasing fierce competition, young adults have no other choices but to study and work hard, sacrificing much time for entertainment. We cannot, however, make the conclusion the social rules are too strict for these young adults.（为了保证说理的客观性，在观点句中最好不要出现“we”，建议用被动句替代） In fact, with the development of our life, fewer people have to struggle to satisfy basic needs, and more people have started chasing their interests and dreams, especially young people. For instance, for a young boy regards football player as his goal, he will find it not difficult to have friends to practice football with, to enter football schools for professional trainings, or to win support from parents and friends. For a young man 100 years ago, by contrast, he might find nowhere to get trainings and practice, more often, he would have to start the same job as his father and take responsibility of the whole family at a very young age.（本段说理十分清晰，距离也很恰当。最后这里建议在例子后面再加上一两句说理的话深化主题）

Second, as the society advances, young people tend to have more chances for success. Raise the internet as an example, young people can have easy access to valid information they want when on line. They get free consult and courses, share experienced with each other, and make acquaintance to their business partners. All these make it much easier to realize their goal than their parents' generations.（本段观点是年轻人有更多的机会去成功，举了因特网的例子。不过说理的地方稍显不足，没有指明和主题“Young individuals in our society are not under too strict social rules”的关系，容易带给人一种“偏题”的错觉。建议在后面加上绕回到主题的一两句话。）

Furthermore, the advancement of society also changes people's concept about success, making its border wider. In the past, people used to view success as having supreme power and possessing large amount of money. Those who enjoyed a peaceful like without large fortune were not deemed to be successful. As a result, young people were under strict social rules, which required them to struggle hard for money and power. Things are all changed in this day and age. When looking through the experience of the candidates for 2013 JCI outstanding Young, I found their path towards success varied（同样建议用被动代替显主观倾向的“I”）:working as a volunteer without paying, giving up comfortable life to chase for real dreams, and keep fighting with severe diseases without giving in. In today's society, success is no longer far away from young people, but everyone can make it.

In a nutshell, it's overstated to conclude that young individuals now are under too strict social rules。In the contrast, they are facing with more career choices, more chances to achieve their dreams, and more support in the way to success.（最后一段总结简单到位，而且用词变化多样）.

整体印象：
看得出来同学的英文功底很好，用语非常自然，说理也很清晰。

最后算是个人的小疑问，515字真的是楼主在30分钟之内打出来的吗？！【膜拜！！！
楼主对题目关注的关键词在“strict”和“young people”上，看完本文之后稍微有些担心我自己那篇在理解上有偏题。。。
可以向楼主请教一下审题以及快速想到相关观点的方法吗？这里每次都想不到合适的支持点，在这里浪费好多时间呢。。。

lyslj001

TOP9
304words
In the lecture, the professor agrees with the author of the reading passage that internal-combustion engines cause a series of problems such as pollution and the running out of resources. As a result, it's a smart decision to look for alternative sources of energy for cars. The lecturer points out, however, that hydrogen-based fuel-cell engine is not a good choice for solving the problem. Actually, hydrogen fuel also results in varieties of problems.

Firstly, the hydrogen fuel is not as available as the author of the reading passage expects. It won't be useable unless being transformed into a kind of pure liquid form and being kept cold, and these requirements are not easy to satisfy. Therefore, the lecturer believes that the author of the passage is too optimistic to claim that fuel-cell engines utilize easily available since hydrogen cannot easily be depleted.

Second, the lecturer casts doubt on the statement in the reading passage that hydrogen-based fuel cells solve the pollution problems in the world. According to the reading passage, the only byproduct of burning hydrogen fuel is water, which does not pollute the environment as carbon dioxide produced by the burning of oil does. According to the lecture, by contrast, although burning hydrogen fuel won't produce pollution, creating hydrogen fuel will. The process of creating hydrogen fuel produces much pollution because it requires burning oil, releasing greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide.

Furthermore, the lecturer refutes the argument in the reading passage that people will spend less money when using a hydrogen fuel. While according to the lecture, because chemical reaction can easily happens on hydrogen, other materials are needed to use with hydrogen fuel to keep it stable. And using those materials can cost huge amount of money. Thus, changing from using internal-combustion engine to hydrogen-based engine will be unsuccessful in cutting cost.

hemodata

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-16 18:13
TOP9
304words
In the lecture, the professor agrees with the author of the reading passage that inter ...

这篇我看lz文章的时候把听力文本和阅读文本都找出来了=）
有一些小小的建议看附件

觉得lz水平很好呢