写作新人帖，请各位多多指教~

懒蜗窝

从8.6日起每天跟着写作小分队写起来~备战8.25哈~一起加油！！！

懒蜗窝

Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

When it comes to how can students make new friends, people always think of three ways: taking part in a sports team, to be active in community activities and traveling. A great number of people may conceive that participating community activities or traveling are better ways in comparison with joining a sports team. Contrary to the opinion of a vast majority of people is my heartfelt agreement with the view that joining a sports team is the best access to make new friends.

It is undeniable that taking part in activities routinely conducted by community nearly with no danger for students rarely move from on place to another when activities like playing chess are carried out. In the meanwhile, the merits of traveling can never be denied. Modern overburdened students can relax themselves as well as making new friends. Nevertheless, the strengths of joining a sports team far outweigh them.

Joining a sports team will bring about a fairly deep relationship between friends. When students join, for example, a basketball team, they are supposed to accomplish some tasks together. So hard the practice is that students can not do well at first and must try their best. In this course, they encourage each other, take care of teammates and achieve their goal. It is experiencing something severe that benefits them to develop an impressive bond between new friends.

Compared with either participating in community activities or traveling, joining a sports team have enormous advantage in students’ health. A survey, released by the Foundation of Chinese Adolescent’s Health(FCAH), after polling thousands of teenagers, claims that a large percentage of adolescents are overweight. Isn’t it necessary for students take more exercises in daily life? The healthy body is to students what the foundation to the skyscraper. Joining a sports team causes teenagers to exercise frequently.

Considerable though the benefits that participating in community activities and traveling bring about are, they can not compete with the advantages that joining a sports team enjoys, when deepening the friendship and exercises are taken into account. Considering all the factors above, we can safely draw the conclusion that joining a sport team is the best way to make new friends.
求狠批~~辛苦了

懒蜗窝

写的过程中刚开始没思路，后来就跟不不计时了。a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling 这三个词不会同义转述

懒蜗窝

8.7独立

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

Health is a stuff that people are longing for. Whether it is easier to maintain good health than in the past is always discussed by people. When it comes to this issue, a vast majority of people claims that keeping fit is easier today, whereas, others hold the opposite view. Contrary to the opinion of most people is my heartfelt agreement with the view that it is extraordinarily more difficult to maintain health.

In the first place, the life pace is faster than before. Modern people have trouble in maintaining both physical and mental health. Hardly do people have amounts of time to prepare for their meals. For instance, young white collar workers are striving for their careers and devote most of their time to elaborate projects. They choose to substitute the dinner full of nutrition with the instant food. Overburdened people are under remarkable pressure that can not be released. In this circumstance, putting their body in a healthy condition seems to be really hard.

In the second place, overnutrition is a serious problem people should draw attention to. A survey, conducted by the Foundation of Chinese Adolescents' Health(FCAH), after polling thousands of children in Beijing, demonstrates that up to 20% of teenagers are overweight. People have access to various food due to boosted living standard. At the same time, advertisements make the products look better than they really are, resulting in people are curious about what they saw and try what they want frequently. Ingesting too much high-nutrition food definitely cause some diseases like high blood pressure, jeopardizing people's precious life.

Admittedly, scientific development and innovation undeniably benefit our daily life. However, their defects far outweigh the merits when we consider the chemicals added to food. Take milk as an example. Apart from protein and fat, it contains some chemicals to boost the flavor and color or prevent it from rotting. Some businessmen pursue high profits so that they use ,particularly cheap but harmful, chemicals with the similar function as an substitute to meet the unconscious consumers' need. High level of intake in the long term increases the risk of heart disease. Isn’t it a tough work to keep fit?

Considerable though the methods to make common citizens healthy that new society enjoys, it can not compete with the disappointing effects that modern situation brings about, when faster life pace, overnutrition with better life and vicious chemicals are taken into account. All reliable evidence lends support to the view that it is not easier to maintain good health than in the past.

懒蜗窝

TPO1 综合
The reading and listening passages have conflicting opinions about the four-day work. The reading material believes that four-day will increase company profits, reduce unemployment rates and benefit dividual employees, providing three reasons, which are contradictory to the following lecture.

Firstly, the writer claims that four-day work strategy will boost profits. However, the professor argues that it is costly to provide the four-day work.On the one hand, training new employees will spend amounts of money. On the other hand, it takes additional money to offer more space and computers.

Secondly, the reading material conceive that four-day work will lead to less unemployment. Whereas, the lecturer holds the opposite point, citing the reason that company will raise expectation resulting in employees work overtime  and provide no additional jobs.

Thirdly, the author believes that four-day work enable employees to improve the quality of their lives. On the contrary, the speaker refutes that under four-day work employees will decrease their ability and past over promotion opportunities.

In general, the professor discussed the issue that four-day work will cost more , have little influences on unemployment and will not improve the quality of employees life, viewed by the reading passage in an opposing angle.

laneesherry

红色是个人觉得有问题的地方
蓝色是个人建议修改的地方和意见


Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

When it comes to how can students make new friends, people always think of three ways: taking part in a sports team, to be active in community activities and traveling.(taking part in a sports team, paticipating in community activities and traveling,这里要么是用三个“to do”的结构，要么是三个“ing”并列短语，不能混用) A great number of people may conceive that participating community activities or traveling are better ways in comparison with joining a sports team. Contrary to the opinion of a vast majority of people is my heartfelt agreement with the view that joining a sports team is the best access to make new friends.（最后一句说明观点这里似乎太追求华丽的词汇反而感觉有些啰嗦，建议缩短精炼。）

It is undeniable that taking part in activities routinely conducted by community nearly with no danger for students rarely move from on place to another when activities like playing chess are carried out（楼主是想表达社区活动通常没什么危险么？这句话看的不是很懂）. In the meanwhile, the merits of traveling can never be denied. Modern overburdened students can relax themselves as well as making new friends. Nevertheless, the strengths of joining a sports team far outweigh them. （本段说明了社区活动和旅游的优点，建议在前面加上一句总起句，如“社区活动和旅游有很多优点”。另外就是楼主似乎理解错了“ community activities”community activities：社区活动。
社区活动形式多种多样。通常由学校、机关、公司、教会、地方社团和政府组织的有趣的活动。其目的是建立和发展人际间、不同族群间的关系。
例如，环保回收，向弱势群体提食品、衣物，协助当地的消防或警察，帮助疗养院的老人。）

Joining a sports team will bring about a fairly deep relationship between friends. When students join, for example, a basketball team, they are supposed to accomplish some tasks together. So hard the practice is that students can not do well at first and must try their best. In this course, they encourage each other, take care of teammates and achieve their goal（taking care of teammates and achieving their goal ，一句话里如果在逗号前面没有连词的话不能够出现两个动词）. It is experiencing something severe that benefits them to develop an impressive bond between new friends.

Compared with either participating in community activities or traveling, joining a sports team have enormous advantage in students’ health. A survey, released by the Foundation of Chinese Adolescent’s Health(FCAH), after polling thousands of teenagers, claims that a large percentage of adolescents are overweight. Isn’t it necessary for students take more exercises in daily life? The healthy body is to students what the foundation to the skyscraper. Joining a sports team causes teenagers to exercise frequently.

Considerable though the benefits that participating in community activities and traveling bring about are, they can not compete with the advantages that joining a sports team enjoys, when deepening the friendship and exercises are taken into account. Considering（consider 这个词用得太多了，建议换一下，比如说“Having weighing all the advantages and disadvantages of ”） all the factors above, we can safely draw the conclusion that joining a sport team is the best way to make new friends.



总体印象：
看的出来楼主是想要最大程度地将各种特殊句式和华丽的词汇表现出来，但是有些地方反而因为这样而读起来并不“顺”，给人一种刻意堆砌的感觉
另外就是楼主的作文看起来还是有很重的chinglish的意味，建议多背一些新概念或之类的好文段

懒蜗窝

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-7 20:17
红色是个人觉得有问题的地方
蓝色是个人建议修改的地方和意见

第一次参加互改活动就碰到了一个好的队友~受益匪浅，感谢感谢~~

懒蜗窝

改正版：Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

Friends are indispensable in our life and students are eager to make new friends. When it comes to how can students make new friends, people always think of three ways: taking part in a sports team, participating in community activities and traveling. A great number of people may conceive that participating community activities or traveling are better ways in comparison with joining a sports team. Contrary to the opinion of a vast majority of people is my heartfelt agreement with the view that joining a sports team is the best access to make new friends.

It is undeniable that both taking part in activities and traveling can be a good way to make friends. Participating in community activities, people can get along with others, which broaden social circles. In the meanwhile,  Modern overburdened students can relax themselves as well as making new friends. Nevertheless, the strengths of joining a sports team far outweigh them.

Joining a sports team will bring about a fairly deep relationship between friends. When students join, for example, a basketball team, they are supposed to accomplish some tasks together. So hard the practice is that students can not do well at first and must try their best. In this course, they encourage each other and take care of teammates. It is experiencing something severe that benefits them to develop an impressive bond between new friends.

Compared with either participating in community activities or traveling, joining a sports team have enormous advantage in students’ health. A survey, released by the Foundation of Chinese Adolescent’s Health(FCAH), after polling thousands of teenagers, claims that a large percentage of adolescents are overweight. Isn’t it necessary for students take more exercises in daily life? The healthy body is to students what the foundation to the skyscraper. Joining a sports team causes teenagers to exercise frequently.

Considerable though the benefits that participating in community activities and traveling bring about are, they can not compete with the advantages that joining a sports team enjoys, when deepening the friendship and exercises are taken into account.  All the reliable evidence lends support to the view that joining a sport team is the best way to make new friends.

jacki1

晚些时候给你修改综合~

懒蜗窝

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-8 19:19
晚些时候给你修改综合~

好的~~辛苦了