六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！

lijinglol

8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.


People frequently extol the virtues of modern technology, as though if only it could be more advanced, universal and convenient, they would have no possibility to be sick. However, even if one didn’t know from concrete figures that modern living creatures are far more likely to catch various illnesses ranging from insomnia to cancer than those in the past, one could deduce it from general principles.

Let us get down to fundamentals and agree that modern food industry has been disclosed to have a myriad of visible or latent issues. To be more specific, scientific tests have shown us that burgers and pizzas, the most pervasive and prevalent signals of modern fast food industry, can lack essential minerals and vitamins, simultaneously containing large amounts of fat and carbon hydrates. Besides, putting genetically modified foods into markets without examining and studying them thoroughly is one of the most irresponsible decisions made in 21th century because nobody is really sure if altering the composition of food cells is safe. In china, yogurt and jelly might contain industrial gelatin made from discarded leather shoes. These problems surfaced and threatened people’s lives while they still live in the illusion that they are safer than ever.

Modern technology has, in fact, rendered us slaves to machines and thus dramatically undermined our physical health. People in modern society tend to lead a sedentary life. To put it exactly, we prefer on-line shopping or tele-shopping for their cheap price, which can incur a lack of exercise and an increase of fat in foods and consequently a series of sickness. Likewise, people nowadays have an inclination to use air conditioner, to which exposing for a long time can cause serious damage to man’s immune system. With automation came a loss of exercise and an alienation from other people, therefore diminishing the health of modern people both physically and psychologically.

Moreover, the progress in technology has triggered a change in lifestyle. There were certainly times when people didn’t have to stare at the computers for all day long. However, the enhancing living pressure and fierce competition in the modern world have aroused the combative instincts and forced people to stay up late, learn something constructive and damage their bodies by either adding degrees to their eyes or curtailing their sleep time. According to the investigation conducted by Hygiene and Health Department of China, the number of myopic teenagers in China has been ten times than that fifteen years ago. Facing the figure like that, how can I approve that people now are more readily to keep healthy?

In conclusion, it is definitely harder for us to maintain healthy nowadays because there are more risks in modern food industry and people’s lifestyle are becoming worse. It would be （划掉）too young too simple（划掉）（别闹好么）too naïve to believe modern technology have made it easier to keep in good health.

hemodata

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-7 18:32
8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain  ...

8.7独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.


People frequently extol the virtues of modern technology, as though if only应该去掉，否则表达出来的意思和你的原意不一致 it could be more advanced, universal and convenient, they would have no possibility to be sick. However, even if one didn’t know from concrete figures that modern living creatures are far more likely to catch various illnesses ranging from insomnia to cancer than those in the past, one could deduce it from general principles.这句话读起来非常绕口，其实分成两句话可能也蛮好的，或者ranging from这一句用两个逗号隔出来，作为非限定性插入语。even if那一句的动词似乎没有必要用过去式。

Let us get down to fundamentals and agree that modern food industry has been disclosed to have a myriad of visible or latent issues. To be more specific, scientific tests have shown us去掉 that burgers and pizzas, the most pervasive and prevalent signals of modern fast food industry, can这里不需要助动词 lack essential minerals and vitamins, simultaneously好像这个词一般用于表示动词的平行关系，而且分词机构在这里可能产生歧义，建议不要用这个副词，后面直接改成and contain containing large amounts of fat and carbon hydrates. Besides, putting genetically modified foods into markets without examining and studying them thoroughly is one of the most irresponsible decisions made in 21th century because nobody is really sure if应该是whether altering the composition of food cells is safe. In china,这个例子的范围很奇怪，和前面两个例子不匹配。而且是第三个例子了，可以用一个连词显示递进关系 yogurt and jelly might contain industrial gelatin made from discarded leather shoes. These problems surfaced and threatened为森么是过去时态？应该用现在时 people’s lives while they still live in the illusion that they are safer than ever.

Modern technology has, in fact, rendered us slaves to machines and thus dramatically undermined（前面的has通常不跨and使用，这样容易造成时态误解） our physical health. People in modern society tend to lead a sedentary life. To put it exactly, we prefer on-line shopping or tele-shopping for their前面是or，代词应该是单数，其实直接改成for a cheap price也可以，省了判断代词这一步 cheap price, which can incur a lack of exercise and an increase of fat in foods应该是会引起体内fat增加？还是说是想表达外卖食品更不健康？ and consequently a series of sickness. Likewise, people nowadays have an inclination to use air conditioner, to which exposing for a long time can cause serious damage to man’s immune system. Therefore, With automation came时态不对 a loss of exercise and an alienation from other people, therefore放在前面让读者感觉条例更清晰哦，不过有一点小问题，就是前面没有提过和人的交流；但如果这个不是一个段落的结论的话，那么我写的therefore的位置可以换成what's more diminishing the health of modern people both physically and psychologically.

Moreover, the progress in technology has triggered a change in lifestyle. There were certainly times when people didn’t have to stare at the computers for all day long. However, the enhancing living pressure and fierce competition in the modern world have aroused the combative instincts and forced people to stay up late, learn something constructive and damage their bodies by either adding degrees to their eyes or curtailing their sleep time.觉得这个部分写得很好！ According to the investigation conducted by Hygiene and Health Department of China, the number of myopic teenagers in China has been ten times than that fifteen years ago. Facing the figure like that, how can I approve that people now are more readily to keep healthy?

In conclusion, it is definitely harder for us to maintain healthy nowadays because there are more risks in modern food industry and people’s lifestyle are becoming worse. It would be （划掉）too young too simple（划掉）（别闹好么）too naïve to believe modern technology have made it easier to keep in good health.

hemodata

lz我时间不够了，暂时改了两段
主要问题似乎处在动词的使用上比较多一点
而且很多句子比较长，读起来很辛苦，建议长短句结合使用

hemodata

哈哈，我帮你这篇改完啦！
lz有空的话来帮我改改可好？http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869158-1-1.html

hemodata

ps，刚才忘记了说
我觉得lz很大的优点是，会用很多specific的动词和名词，显示出与主题很好的结合

需要改进的地方是
1、动词的时态使用；代词的单复数
2、长短句结合
3、多余的副词使用

lijinglol

8.15独立写作：Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were in the past.

Motivation is somehow intrinsic. Exposed to a hodgepodge of academic offerings and provided with a plethora of advanced technological equipments, young people today are, in fact, intrinsically motivated to enhance the current quality of life, in order to lead better lives in the future. Even for some exceptions, extrinsic stimulations in the modern world ensure that they will spend more time and effort on improving the world.

Modern society has witnessed an upheaval in technology and science. As we are reaching the next phase of the Information Age, it’s easy to forget that just several decades ago, the Information Age was stuck on its launching pad. The internet was unknown to nearly everyone except university researchers and TV was still patting itself on the back over cable success. Whereas now they have been the most pervasive and persuasive signal of modern technology and are utilized by numerous teenagers who are desperate to learn more about other civilizations in the world, thereby giving us an ever more detailed insight into the world around us. To be more specific, my grandfather had the ambitions to become a scientist. However, the limited access to advanced knowledge at his time confined his talents. On the contrary, I used to have no inclination even to dabble in this domain, but all the intriguing experiments on the Internet fascinated me spurred my zeal in science.

                                                                                                                     

Furthermore, social problems witnessed by young people today are never more severe. To be more specific, social and institutional contexts for sex discrimination in American life have included the workplace, occupations, income, employment and home, despite a century of social change stimulated by the feminist movement in issues like sexual violence and exploitation. Economic and political inequalities in any country around the world arise continually from over-concentrations of wealth and power and imbalances in the distribution of wealth. Enormous young people made up their mind to improve the world after they saw the people starving in Africa, babies rejected by homeless parents or the broken Earth replete with greenhouse gases. In short, all these social problems urge young people today to take more effort on improving the world.

In general, due to the material and spiritual stimulus in the modern society, young people today are more likely to be motivated by their interests and aspirations to enhance the world.

lijinglol

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 14:37
哈哈，我帮你这篇改完啦！
lz有空的话来帮我改改可好？http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869158-1-1.htm ...

好的O(∩_∩)O~能直接给我需要改的作文的楼层链接吗~~

hemodata

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-15 21:02
好的O(∩_∩)O~能直接给我需要改的作文的楼层链接吗~~

哦哦好的！这篇http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... &fromuid=744721

lijinglol

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 21:03
哦哦好的！这篇http://forum.chasedream.com/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=869158&pid=184 ...

咦小默姐你这篇作文不是有人帮你改了吗？~~

hemodata

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-15 21:23
咦小默姐你这篇作文不是有人帮你改了吗？~~

啊！突然才看到！那下一篇再麻烦你把！