六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！

lijinglol

8.2独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Compared with the people living in cities, the people living in villages and farm areas are more satisfied with their lives.


Most of my friends have formed an unrealistic picture of life in the countryside. They invariably went into raptures at the mere mention of it as if suburbs are sort of paradise where sun always shines. Ripe fruits, fresh air and organic vegetables are available all year round, which is certainly beyond attainment for our urban creatures. However, they fail to mention the overwhelmingly innate drawbacks of life in the countryside. Village dwellers will find it impossible to lead a more satisfying life than urban residents.

City born and city bred, the quiet life of the country has never appealed to me because of the absence of cutting-edge technology. The proliferation of the internet has emancipated urban people in such a productive way that we can write quick notes via pressing the keyboard, access information from the other side of the world, communicate to people on different and distant continent, and broadcast our idea to people all over the world simply with a click of the mouse, all of which people living in the country can hardly have the luxury to accomplish. What could be more friendless and tedious for an adolescent accustomed to the privileges of digital automation than to be deprived those conveniences in the countryside? Therefore, the ideal pastoral peace is simply an illusion blindly aggrandized by people who have never experienced the austere life in the countryside.

Abandoning the dubious pastoral pleasures of the country, people will, in fact, obtain the best that life can offer in the city. Supermarkets with a plethora of merchandises and necessities are never more than blocks away, which is even unimaginable for suburban dwellers. Cinemas with high resolution screen and three-D technique are attainable whenever people feel like appreciating the mindsets and thoughts of all cultures in the world. Prosperous traffic system actually weaves a net that can transmit people to almost every corner of the city, no matter how late it might be or how far the destination is. None of these can be achieved by village residents. Some of them usually have to consider a visit to the cinema as a special treat on festivals, and most have never had the opportunity to pursue this spiritual entertainment. Facing situations like that, what point can we make to support that city inhabitants live harsher live than the village dwellers?

In conclusion, contrary to the villages, modern cities have been built with full regard for our residents’ need. It has been always beyond me that why the city dwellers, are aware of all these advantages, obstinately pretend that life in the countryside could be more satisfying.

19911006

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-1 21:02
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from ...

作文改好了，请查收

lijinglol

19911006 发表于 2013-8-3 09:25
作文改好了，请查收

谢谢abide><~~前天是我太捉急嘤>,<

19911006

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-3 09:39
谢谢abide>,

改的有点狠，请见谅

lijinglol

19911006 发表于 2013-8-3 09:40
改的有点狠，请见谅

狠点好呀！！~蟹蟹！！

单人房双人床

8.2独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Compared with the people living in cities, the people living in villages and farm areas are more satisfied with their lives.


Most of my friends have formed an unrealistic picture of life in the countryside. They invariably went（时态） into raptures at the mere mention of it as if suburbs are sort of paradise where sun always shines. Ripe fruits, fresh air and organic vegetables are available all year round, which is certainly beyond attainment for our urban creatures.（新三里面的句子，用得不错。喜欢……） However, they fail to mention the overwhelmingly innate drawbacks of life in the countryside. Village dwellers will find it impossible to lead a more satisfying life than urban residents. （这次的第一段比前几次有很大进步。）

City born and city bred, the quiet life of the country（countryside） has never appealed to me because of the absence of cutting-edge technology. The proliferation of the internet has emancipated urban people in such a productive way that we can write quick notes via pressing the keyboard, access information from the other side of the world, communicate to people on different and distant continent, and broadcast our idea to people all over the world simply with a click of the mouse, all of which people living in the country can hardly have the luxury to accomplish. （排比句，值得学习。但觉得有点过长，可以分成两个句子。）What could be more friendless and tedious for an adolescent accustomed to the privileges of digital automation than to be deprived those conveniences in the countryside? Therefore, the ideal pastoral peace is simply an illusion blindly aggrandized by people who have never experienced the austere life in the countryside.

Abandoning the dubious pastoral pleasures of the country, people will, in fact, obtain the best that life can offer in the city. Supermarkets with a plethora of merchandises and necessities are never more than blocks away, which is even unimaginable for suburban dwellers. Cinemas with high resolution screen and three-D technique are attainable whenever people feel like appreciating the mindsets and thoughts of all cultures in the world. Prosperous traffic system actually weaves a net that can transmit people to almost every corner of the city, no matter how late it might be or how far the destination is. None of these can be achieved by village residents. Some of them usually have to consider a visit to the cinema as a special treat on festivals, and most have never had the opportunity to pursue this spiritual entertainment. Facing situations like that, what point can we make to support that city inhabitants live harsher live than the village dwellers?

In conclusion, contrary to the villages, modern cities have been built with full regard for our residents’ need. It has been always beyond me that why the city dwellers, are aware of all these advantages, obstinately pretend that life in the countryside could be more satisfying.
建议：整体看下来这篇文章的语言可以说非常优美。用了很多排比的句型，读起来像是一篇散文。
           发现你喜欢用新概念里面的句子，用得不错，值得学习……
但是，有一些建议。
1、感觉你的文章还是缺少具体的事例，细节去支撑你的论点，好像是在那发感慨，但没有具体的落实的赶脚。
2、句子太长了。如果能够长句和短句错落开来，会更好。
anyway,这篇文章，比之前给你改的有很大进步喽。加油！！！
欢迎探讨。

lijinglol

8.5独立写作：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To increase economy, government should neglect environmental concerns.

In the business realm, the successful enterprises are generally defined, at least in our corporate culture, as those which achieve the goal of profit maximization for a firm’s shareholders or other owners. However, should we simply overlook the consequent damages exerted on our environment in their “profit” process? Could we ignore the gradually limited natural resources that are currently ineffectively yet randomly consumed? Could we justify the pointless but serious dependency of those corporations on the finite resources? The answer to these questions would definitely be no.

Admittedly, all businesses are inevitably regulated by the natural economic laws of supply and demand. Hardly could any entrepreneurs and economists approve that in order to reduce air and water pollution, we can force the entire industries out of business, run the risk of economic paralysis and trigger widespread unemployment. However, what we consider unjustified here is not the legal consumption conducted by conscientious companies. For those executives who desired to squeeze infinite profit out of natural resources, the earth is rather apparatus than homeland. Ignoring the environmental issues, albeit bringing short-term profits, will become the deadly undoing sooner or later.

Whether we are environmentalists who are desperate to evoke people’s vigilance on pollution issue and resource crisis, or politicians who are eventually eager to motivate a long and prosper economy, we are, in fact, forced to pay close attention to the environment. To be more specific, a serious debris flow had happened in 2010 in Gansu, China, bringing away thousands of lives. However, before the Great Leap Forward, this place had always been covered with prosperous forests and definitely unlikely to incur a debris flow. The adverse affects of overlooking environmental issues still loom large in people’s minds and remind us to concentrate exclusively on economic progress.

The relationship between corporations and natural resources are somewhat similar to that between countries and their colonies. Rome fell because it tax its colonies extensively and treating them inhumanly. This is due to the greed and desire for power on behalf of the Roman rulers. Sooner or later, the colonies decided to stop tolerating such behavior and revolted. Likewise, if we use this example in the modern world, the current entrepreneurs have often been accused of being greedy of fulfilling their never-ending demands for energy, and sooner or later, they will pay for their mistakes.

In conclusion, what entrepreneur executives should bear in mind is that environmental issues, though can be invisible or expensive to solve, is of paramount importance for them if they want to run a long term business.

lijinglol

8.6独立写作：Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

There are people who have no inclination to join a sports team, and people who are too worldly to engage in community activities. But it would be hard to find a person in modern urban society or any developed country who has never benefitted from traveling. Of all these modes of making friends, traveling is undoubtedly the most effective and constructive one.

Everyone is, I suppose, sentimentally attached to certain sacred place that is completely intoxicating this individual’s heart. People frequently find their most like-minded friends in such places. To be more specific, last year I travelled to Japan and abandoned myself in a detective story bookstore searching for my favorite author’s latest book. That is when I met a Chinese graduate from Waseda University. During the first 5 minutes in the conversation, we find Holmes our common interest and the communication atmosphere between us was never plagued with silence even if we don’t know each other several minutes ago. Last month she emailed me the translation of a short detective story of my favorite Japanese writer and I went into ecstasy because it won’t be published in China. Here comes the inherent virtue of overseas friends that can never be emulated by those acquiesced nearby.

What could be better for the students who haven’t formed their values of life and the world than to be able to travel to make new friends as well as learning more about the world? The educational experience in a resort is quite different from that of reading or study. To put it exactly, when students are taught history of the Second World War, the Jew Massacre in Auschwitz Concentration Camp is horrifying, sad, yet abstract. But a trip to Memorial Museum in Auschwitz is an experience that has moved many young students to tears. The friendship built in this kind of emotional resonating situation will be far hardened than that in a sports team or an activity group which frequently incurs conflict and jealousy rather than unity.

In conclusion, nothing could be compared with traveling in making new friends. Because traveling, more than any other mode of making friends, can broaden our horizon, deepen the new-established relationship and strengthen the mutual spiritual tie.

laneesherry

批改


8.5独立写作：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
To increase economy, government should neglect environmental concerns.

In the business realm, the successful enterprises are generally defined, at least in our corporate culture, as those which achieve the goal of profit maximization for a firm’s shareholders or other owners. However, should we simply overlook the consequent damages exerted on our environment in their “profit” process? Could we ignore the gradually limited natural resources that are currently ineffectively yet randomly consumed? Could we justify the pointless but serious dependency of those corporations on the finite resources? The answer to these questions would definitely be no.(这里巧妙地用定义和三个疑问句来开头好棒！)

Admittedly, all businesses are inevitably regulated by the natural economic laws of supply and demand. Hardly could any entrepreneurs and economists approve that in order to reduce air and water pollution, we can force the entire industries out of business, run the risk of economic paralysis and trigger widespread unemployment. However, what we consider unjustified here is not the legal consumption conducted by conscientious companies. For those executives who desired to squeeze infinite profit out of natural resources, the earth is rather apparatus than homeland. Ignoring the environmental issues, albeit bringing short-term profits, will become the deadly undoing sooner or later.

Whether we are environmentalists who are desperate to evoke people’s vigilance on pollution issue and resource crisis, or politicians who are eventually eager to motivate a long and prosper economy, we are, in fact, forced to pay close attention to the environment. To be more specific, a serious debris flow had happened in 2010 in Gansu, China, bringing away thousands of lives. However, before the Great Leap Forward（这里举了大跃进的例子，建议用半句话进一步解释一下大跃进是为了生产不择手段的时期，毕竟不能够保证每一位考官都知道这是什么。), this place had always been covered with prosperous forests and definitely unlikely to incur a debris flow. The adverse affects（effects） of overlooking environmental issues still loom large in people’s minds and remind us to concentrate exclusively on economic progress.(这一段衔接前面的观点说明保护环境迫在眉睫，但是在开头建议加多一个更精练的总领全段的主题句。）

The relationship between corporations and natural resources are somewhat similar to that between countries and their colonies. （企业和自然资源的关系在某些方面就跟国家和他们的殖民地一样，然后紧接着就是罗马的例子。这句话相比之下更像是“支持性说理句”，建议在前面加一句“忽视自然资源的合理利用将会让企业付出沉重的代价。”）Rome fell because it tax its colonies extensively and treating them inhumanly. This is due to the greed and desire for power on behalf of the Roman rulers. Sooner or later, the colonies decided to stop tolerating such behavior and revolted. Likewise, if we use this example in the modern world, the current entrepreneurs have often been accused of being greedy of fulfilling their never-ending demands for energy, and sooner or later, they will pay for their mistakes.

In conclusion, what entrepreneur executives should bear in mind is that environmental issues, though can be invisible or expensive to solve, is of paramount importance for them if they want to run a long term business.


总的来说楼主的作文读起来非常流畅，有很多表达值得学习。
不过文章主题论述部分缺少了主题句，所以整体上读起来逻辑和结构不是很清晰，稍微有点说理不清的感觉。

wl441790417

批改：
Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? a. joining a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

There are people who have no inclination to join a sports team, and people who are too worldly to engage in community activities. But it would be hard to find a person in modern urban society or any developed country（可数名词不能单独存在 country如果作农村讲用单数，作国家讲用复数） who has never benefitted from traveling. Of all （Among）these modes of making friends, traveling is undoubtedly the most effective and constructive one.

Everyone is, I suppose, sentimentally attached to certain sacred place that is completely intoxicating this individual’s heart. People frequently find their most like-minded friends in such places. To be more specific, last year I travelled to Japan and abandoned myself in a detective story bookstore searching for my favorite author’s latest book（我个人不倾向用doing，仅供参考，in which I searched 感觉好点）. That is when I met a Chinese graduate from Waseda University. During the first 5 minutes in the conversation, we find Holmes our common interest and the communication atmosphere between us was never plagued with silence even if we don’t know each other several minutes ago. Last month she emailed me the translation of a short detective story of my favorite Japanese writer and I went into ecstasy because it won’t（would not 正式书写中didn't don't 最好拆成did not 或者do not） be published in China. Here comes the inherent virtue of overseas friends that can never be emulated by those acquiesced nearby.

What could be better for the students who haven’t （have not 理由同上）formed their values of life and the world than to be able to travel to make new friends as well as learning more about the world? The educational experience in a resort （我在美国见的resort都是赌场度假村一类的东西，这个词用在这里感觉不太恰当，感觉用historic sites或者cultural sites好一点，能和你下文搭配）is quite different from that of reading or study. To put it exactly, when students are taught history of the Second World War, the Jew Massacre in Auschwitz Concentration Camp is horrifying, sad, yet abstract. But （加having，is前后如果要是名词要一致）a trip to Memorial Museum in Auschwitz is an experience that has moved many young students to tears. The friendship built in this kind of emotional resonating situation will be far hardened than that in a sports team or an activity group which frequently incurs conflict and jealousy rather than unity.

In conclusion, nothing could be compared with traveling in making new friends. Because traveling, more than any other mode of making friends, can broaden our horizon, deepen the new-established relationship and strengthen the mutual spiritual tie.

感觉第二点重点在于旅行比阅读和学习要生动，对文章主题没有论证，最后一句提到交朋友有点牵强，论证效果太弱了。如果加上一个例子或者什么就好点了，不过归根结底这中间2段其实内容是一致的，基本上就是建立在共同爱好或者审美观点上的朋友，建议引入其他新的观点。如果要这么写也可以，第一段把中国学生换成外国学生，分享观点文化什么的，第二段加上认识了中国学生建立友谊的例子，就好多了。