[9月1日考试]小默的独立作文贴，求猛批（0818更新）

hemodata

8月10日，第一篇

题目：

Which of the following contributes most to anenjoyable vacation: good food, good location or good friends to travel with?

分析：

观点：good friends totravel with contributes most to an enjoyable vacation

让步段

（1）好吃的东西可以让人开心

（2）好玩的地方可以让人开心

主攻段

（1）朋友一起旅行，方便

（2）好朋友不像陌生人，大家没有文化和背景的差异，更容易产生共鸣

（3）有好朋友大家可以交换观点，发现更多有意思的地方

结尾段：虽然好吃好玩的都带给的假期很大的乐趣，但是和好朋友一起旅行，不但更加方便，更容易有共同兴趣，而且可以拓宽自己的视野可，享受更多的乐趣。因此和好朋友一起旅行更为一次快乐的休假做出做大的贡献。

正文：377words

Having an enjoyable vacation is consideredto be an essential part of work-life balance in the modern world. Some peoplemay argument that good foods are the most contributing factor to a vacation,while others counter good locations more crucial. Although both good foods andgood locations could improve the quality of a vacation, I believe good friendsto travel with contributes most to an enjoyable vacation.

Without either good foods or goodlocations, our journey would be not so fun, or even be ruined. Good foods addpleasure during traveling, while bad foods result in the opposite. Image thatafter a whole day’s hiking, you are as hungry as a wolf, but the only foodprovided is cold soup. In this case, the vacation would be far from good, despitewhether the hiking is exciting. Good locations are another important factor toa vacation. No one could enjoy themselves much on a too crowed beach or in atoo noisy park. Therefore, both foods and locations are essential components ofan enjoyable vacation.

But even if you have great foods and choosea nice destination, without friends to travel with, the vacation would be less enjoyable.First, traveling with friends is more convenient than travelling alone. Forinstance, people may arrive at airports in the middle night and wait hours to transfer.If they were with friends, they could take turns to take naps and watch the luggage.Second, a good friend could understand your points easily, because you share partsof daily lives. You might meet some nice strangers to have a chat, but you couldnever tell him why the kangaroo makes you laugh so hard because it looks likeone of your classmates. Third, opinion sharing between friends always givespeople wider views. You could enjoy more about local football games when travelwith sports fans and learn more about paintings when visit museums with friendswho love arts.

In conclusion, although both good foods andgood locations make our vacation more comfortable, traveling with good friendsmakes the vacation more convenient, provides us audience who could understandus without difficulties, and gives us opportunities to learn from each other. Itherefore believe good friends to travel with contributes most to an enjoyablevacation.

xiqiong

给你哈~
哈~刚刚我也顺便写了一篇~给你改改~

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-11 08:54
给你哈~
哈~刚刚我也顺便写了一篇~给你改改~

谢谢小汐！你的修改意见收到！你说的有些我再研究一下，之前没想过！
关于一段话怎么有效延长的问题
我觉得你可以看看这篇http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-697710-1-1.html
（我自己也还没学会orz，但是我觉得他很厉害的地方在于，你觉得他说了很多很多，每一段都特别丰富，但其实每一段也没说什么）
感觉maxa这样写，比我们通过延长例子的描述本身要更厉害

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-11 11:37
谢谢小汐！你的修改意见收到！你说的有些我再研究一下，之前没想过！
关于一段话怎么有效延长的问题
我觉 ...

  收到~
哈~词汇量少。。。哭。。。旅游满脑子就是拍照哈哈~

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-11 11:51
收到~
哈~词汇量少。。。哭。。。旅游满脑子就是拍照哈哈~

出处：小站机经（9月大范围精确版）（目测也是北美去年的）

题目：People who develop many different skills are moresuccessful than people who focus on one skill only.

思路：
1、如果说多技能可能带来成功的话，可能是因为两个方面的：一个是职业方面；一个是幸福生活方面的
     我认为技能的多少和成功没有直接联系
2、在工作中，有些工作要求多技能，而有些只要求专精，故不能说多技能更好；
3、在生活中，每个人生活幸福的来源不一样，不一定都是能通过多技能带来，故不能说多技能更好
4、单一技能的人在生活上和工作上都能成功，不能看出来多技能更能成功

第一遍写了470多字儿，改完就570多了，汗
这篇我觉得我的开头写的好大白话啊。。。。

Thereare always debates over whether people who have developed more skills are moresuccessful than people who focus on one skill only. As there's no direct linkbetween successes and skills, we could analyze this debate in two levels: first, having requisiteskills might mean opportunitiesto achievebetter goals in one’s career; second, having some type of skills might help peopleto live a happier life. By carefully analyzing both the mentioned prospects, I find itdifficult to say the numbers of skill has any direct effects on people'ssuccesses.

Itis not guaranteed that people with more skills could be more successful in theircareer path. Actually, it depends on what kind of career the people choose. Admittedly, people whohave more different skills, despite whether the skills are still useful in today's society,seem to have a better chance to get a job. Since most of the hiring managersmay think that having more skills is at least a sign of fast learning. However,getting a job is just the begging of becoming successful in career. To advance in the careerpath and achieve more goals, people need to show different skills and strengths, depending onthe requirements ofdifferent positions. For instance, to become the head of accounting departmentusually requeststhe candidate to focus on his or her ability in financing, while the position of CEO always looksfor a person who has a deep understanding of the industry, familiar with thedaily operation of factories and offices, as well as the abilities to dealingwith shareholders. In other words, multiple skills are in need for the general management leaders,while deep understanding of one specific skill is required for the professionalelites, such as CFOs. Therefore, it is hard to determine the people will bemore successful thanothers or not only because he has more skills than others.

Moreover,if "been successful" is defined as having the ability to live a happy life, we stillcould not say that having more skills is better than focusing on one skill. Thesekinds of skills, such as painting picture, playing music instruments andplaying sports games, may not bring any financial income but give us chances toparticipate in various kinds of activities. For people who only gain joy andhappiness by getting as many as people into friendship, he might find skills indifferent areas could open a larger area for him to meet more people, who have similarinterests with him. As we know, people who share same hobbies are easier tobecome friends. Thus, having skills in different areas could help these peopleto make more friends, and they are happier than if they only have one skill andone particular area to explore friendships. But for the people who could enjoyhis or her skills in specific areas, he or she may find much joy through practicing or improvingof the skills. Hence, different kind of people enjoys their life in differentways. It is hard to say which kind of happiness is better, thus the numbers ofskills is not a determine factor to people's happiness, which considered to bea benchmark of success in our lives.

Inconclusion, people who have a deep understanding of one skill could obtainsuccesses in both career and living. Whether the people with more skills aremore successful is therefore difficult to determine.

晓野的野

There are always debates over whether people who have developed more skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only. As [Although个人觉得比较好吧]there's no direct link between successes and skills, we could analyze this debate in two [indirect respects] levels: first, having requisite skills might mean opportunities to achieve better goals in one’s career; second, having some type of skills might help people to live a happier life. By carefully analyzing both the mentioned prospects, I find it difficult to say the numbers of skill has any direct effects on people'ssuccesses.
从两个方面来分析那个句子我觉得用whether会顺一点。
开始你说没有直接联系，以为你是想说没有直接联系，从间接关系分析，后面又说有直接作用，好像有点我觉得删去后面的direct比较好

First of all, it is not guaranteed that people with more skills could be more successful in their career path. Actually, it depends on what kind of career the [删去the]people choose. Admittedly, people who have more different skills, despite whether the skills are still useful in today's society,seem to have a better chance to get a job. Since[这个句子只有从句没有主句] most of the hiring managers may think that having more skills is at least a sign of fast learning. However,getting a job is just the begging of becoming successful in career. To advance in the career path and achieve more goals, people need to show different skills and strengths, depending on the requirements of different positions. For instance, to become the head of accounting department usually requests the candidate to focus on his or her ability in financing, while the position of CEO always looks for a person who has a deep understanding of the industry, familiar with the daily operation of factories and offices, as well as the abilities to dealing 【deal】with shareholders. In other words, multiple skills are in need for the general management leaders,while deep understanding of one specific skill is required for the professional elites, such as CFOs. Therefore, it is hard to determine 【whether】the people will be more successful than others or not only because【only if】 he 【they】has more skills than others.
第一body段本来说的是：更多的技能是否意味着实现一个人更好的事业目标，
但是却变成了是否在career path上是否会成功了。修改下主旨句可能会比较好一点，
注意下目标和成功的联系

Moreover,if "been successful" is defined as having the ability to live a happy life, we still could not say that having more skills is better than focusing on one skill. 【我觉得逻辑应该是，快乐人生是成功的一部分，技能的多少会影响happiness】These kinds of skills, such as painting picture, playing music instruments and playing sports games, may not bring any financial income but give us chances to participate in various kinds of activities. For people who only gain joy and happiness by getting as many as people into friendship,【就直接for people who gain joy and happiness only from friendship比较好一点】 he 【they】might find skills in different areas could open a larger area 【give them more chances】for him to meet more people, who have similarinterests with him. As we know, people who share same hobbies are easier to become friends. Thus, having skills in different areas could help these peopleto make more friends, and they are happier than[比较对象不对等，前面是they后面是if 从句，改为people who] if they only have one skill and one particular area to explore [探索友谊？]friendships. But for the people who could enjoy his or her skills in specific areas, he or she may find much joy through practicing or improvingof the skills. Hence, different kinds of people enjoys [enjoy ]their life in different ways. It is hard to say which kind of happiness is better, thus the numbers of skills is not a determine factor to people's happiness, which considered to bea benchmark of success in our lives.
啊 算是明白思路了 你的结论是技能多少很难决定成功与否
但是独立作文一般是问agree or disagree
最好，建议还是有个鲜明的观点

In conclusion, people who have a deep understanding of one skill could obtain successes in both career and living. Whether the people with more skills are more successful is therefore difficult to determine.

只是个人的一些观点 open to discuss

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 12:51
出处：小站机经（9月大范围精确版）（目测也是北美去年的）

题目：People who develop many different sk ...

There are always debates over whether people who have developed more skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only. As there's no direct link between successes and skills, we could analyze this debate in two levels: first, having requisite skills might mean opportunitiesto achievebetter goals in one’s career; second, having some type of skills might help peopleto live a happier life. By carefully analyzing both the mentioned prospects, I find itdifficult to say the numbers of skill has any direct effects on people'ssuccesses.

Itis not guaranteed that people with more skills could be more successful in theircareer path. Actually, it depends on what kind of career the people choose. Admittedly, people whohave more different skills, despite whether the skills are still useful in today's society,seem to have a better chance to get a (+adj.) job. Since most of the hiring managersmay think that having more skills is at least a sign of fast learning. However,getting a job is just the begging of becoming successful-->(the begin of success) in career. To advance in the careerpath and achieve more goals, people need to show different skills and strengths, depending onthe requirements ofdifferent positions. For instance, to become the head of accounting departmentusually requeststhe candidate to focus on his or her ability in financing, while the position of CEO always looksfor a person who has a deep understanding of the industry, familiar with thedaily operation of factories and offices, as well as the abilities to dealingwith shareholders. In other words, multiple skills are in need for the general management leaders,while deep understanding of one specific skill is required for the professionalelites, such as CFOs. Therefore, it is hard to determine the people will be more successful than others or not only because he has more skills than others.(1）这句话读着有点绕绕的， it is hard to determine people will be more successful just becasue he or she has more siklls than others. 或者 it is hard to determine whether people will be more successful than others just because he or she has more skills)   2)如果说，你这句话是这段想表达的意思，那么，你前面说的addimittedly,那些都是削弱你结论的。我觉得这样容易导致你的观点不明确。虽然句子超级棒，但是看着我理解你的行文逻辑好累啊orz... ^^)

Moreover,if "been successful"---->(being successful?) is defined as having the ability to live a happy life,(木有人这么定义，什么叫做having the ability to live a happy life?)(living a happy life 就好了呀） we still could not say that having more skills is better than focusing on one skill. Some kinds of skills, such as painting picture, playing music instruments andplaying sports games, may not bring any financial income but give us chances to participate in various kinds of activities. For people who only gain joy and happiness by getting as many as people into friendship, he might find skills i ndifferent areas could open a larger area(换个词） for him to meet more people, who have similarinterests with him. As we know, people who share same hobbies are easier tobecome friends. Thus, having skills in different areas could help these peopleto make more friends, and they are happier than if they only have one skill andone particular area to explore friendships. But for the people who could enjoyhis or her skills in specific areas, he or she may find much joy through practicing or improvingof the skills. Hence, different kind of people enjoys their life in differentways. It is hard to say which kind of happiness is better, thus the numbers ofskills is not a determine factor to people's happiness, which considered to bea benchmark of success in our lives.（依旧，你说了这么多，只有后面这块蓝色的提到了你的主旨----->懂得多不一定就更开心。 那你前面那一片说的都是削弱么？这样主题看着很晕乎的呀。会纠结你到底是赞成还是反对呢？）

Inconclusion, people who have a deep understanding of one skill could obtainsuccesses in both career and living. Whether the people with more skills aremore successful is therefore difficult to determine.

小默默，你这篇文章我觉得有点危险。 你突出懂多方面的人的好处那块写得太多了！而使得你的观点被盖住了。这样引起了一种不平衡。
如果你真的要这么写，你也应该是。 分论点， 多方面人的好处。 专才的好处，专才的好处，专才的好处。所以专才好。
你现在成了， 分论点，全才的好处，全才的好处，专才的好处，所以专才好。。。
小默默，写托福文章要稳，不要太创新，这样很risk的~

hemodata

晓野的野 发表于 2013-8-15 17:03
There are always debates over whether people who have developed more skills are more successful than ...

谢谢晓野！嗯！我好好思考一下，这篇确实我自己也觉得有点模模糊糊的，你们这样说了我就更清楚了！
谢谢你改得那么认真=）

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-15 21:32
There are always debates over whether people who have developed more skills are more successful th ...

收到！这篇我明天早上重新写...汗....
ps：你修改作文的颜色分的好清晰啊，谢谢小汐辣么用心！

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 22:04
收到！这篇我明天早上重新写...汗....
ps：你修改作文的颜色分的好清晰啊，谢谢小汐辣么用心！ ...

哈~谢谢夸奖~恩恩~明天我也写一篇这个给你改改~  加油喔~！