6.16__3.0分作文还原__魔头

baiyan305

大家好，6月16考完后，今天作文分数出来了，很意外，3.0。

给大家当个反面教材，还原了一下自己的作文，供大家参考。我尽量做到尽可能和考场写的一样，但是不能完全一样，整体的思路，结构上是一样的。

先贴argument,因为我感觉issue不可能只有2分吧？所以我的argument估计是3分吧。

baiyan305

77. The following recommendation appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell.
"Two years ago, the nearby town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. Therefore, the best way to improve Hopewell's economy—and generate additional tax revenues—is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

提纲：

假设1：作者假设Ocean View的各种繁荣现象，是因为golf course and resort hotel造成的。然而可能是其它原因造成了繁荣。比如政府改善自然和社会环境，吸引了游客，游客多了，business就多了。政府最近可能提高了税收，所以税收收入提高了。

假设2：即使Ocean View的繁荣，就是因为golf course and resort hotel，作者的第二个假设也是不对的，作者假设Ocean View的措施，到了Hopewell也奏效。但是Ocean View不一定是旅游城市，或者当地政府没足够资金支持修建golf course and resort hotel，那么这个措施在Hopewell就不奏效。

假设3：即使假设1和2都成立，那么作者的最后假设也不一定对，作者假设golf course and resort hotel是最好的措施。但是最好的措施取决于当地的条件。

In this argument, the author suggests that Hopewell should imitate the measure of the nearby town of Ocean View in order to improve Hopewell’s economy. To supports his argument, the author provides some evidence and these evidence make this argument plausible at first glance. However, a close examination reveals that this argument contains several unsubstantiated assumptions.

First of all, this argument essentially bases on an assumption that the prosperity of Ocean View resulted from the action of built golf course and resort hotel. This assumption is questionable since there may several others measure of Ocean View result in the prosperity. For example, Ocean View had make much efforts on ameliorating the natural and social environment. As a result, the number of tourism increased and new business had open to entertain the increasing tourism. Also, Ocean View have hiked the tax in recent years, so the tax revenue increased. Thus, it is obvious many other actions could contribute to the prosperity of Ocean View rather than the action of built golf course and resort hotel. If this assumption of the author is proved as false, his suggestion will be rendered as groundless since this measure do not work in Ocean View.

Even we acknowledged that the new golf course and resort hotel are the primary reasons of the prosperity of Ocean View, the author’s another assumption is also not cogent that the measure work in Ocean View will also be effective in Hopewell. We do not know the condition of Hopewell, the policy of Ocean View is applicable for the town will rely on traveling. However, if Hopewell is not a town which major industry is not traveling, this measure will not help improve the tax revenue. Also, build new golf course and resort hotel may need much money and it is probable that the government of Hopewell do not own enough money to back this plan. So although this measure play well in Ocean View, it may not work well in Hopewell and the recommendation of the author will be undermined seriously.

Finally, granted that the two assumptions of the author discussed above are true, the premise that the action of built golf course and resort hotel is the best way to improve economy of Hopewell is unsubstantiated. The best way to develop economy depends on the condition of given area. For example, Hopewell maybe a town which proliferate fruits such as apple or oranges and the best way will be develop the transport which could export more fruits to other areas. Thus, if Hopewell is a town which own beautiful scene and could attract many travelers before, which means Hopewell is a town for traveling, build golf course and resort hotel could be the best way to develop economy since it supplement the entertainment facilities of Hopewell which could attract more tourisms. However, if Hopewell is not a town which rely much on traveling, the action of built golf course and resort hotel will not be effective.

To summarize, the suggestion of the author is highly questionable since several assumption on which this argument bases are unsubstantiated.

sallygreen

觉得挺好的啊，对分数有点吃惊！！

blueskynoble

首先 我觉得楼主的作文写得比OG上的3分作文强得太多了 得到这样的分数 让我不由对我分数也担心起来

但是楼主也不是没有问题

第一 论点不充分 不够多 不是有种说法写3个点只能得3分吗。。。

其次 论点也问题也比较多 比如说第三段给的论据稍有问题，因为不是旅游城市似乎不能说明 不可以成为旅游城市 第四段应该讲 该措施本身不是sufficient and necessary 的方法，即应该指出还有别的方法， 以及该措施本身也需要其他配套措施 而楼主并没有讲这些 并且楼主自己给的论据也是漏洞百出

看这两句Hopewell maybe a town which proliferate fruits such as apple or oranges and the best way will be develop the transport which could export more fruits to other areas. Thus, if Hopewell is a town which own beautiful scene and could attract many travelers before, which means Hopewell is a town for traveling, build golf course and resort hotel could be the best way to develop economy since it supplement the entertainment facilities of Hopewell which could attract more tourisms.

thus 用的莫名其妙 这两句之间并没有因果关系 而应该是并列的 而且楼主给的第二个理由 即H是旅游城市不是正好支持了短文里的观点吗。。。。 这里的逻辑问题绝对是大漏洞。

第三 滥用gre词汇 比如proliferate fruit的搭配显得很突兀

第四 模板痕迹很重。。。

这只是我的看法 其实能在考场上写成这样已经很不错了。。。我自己在这几方面的漏洞应该比楼主还严重。。。默默流泪。。。

最后想问楼主 对instruction有什么看法 我看到楼主除了第二段明确点出了assumption之外 其他段落都没有体现 至少没有明确点出 而OG上的范文更是没有 这样是不是instruction并不重要 或者想问 如果换一个instruction 楼主会不会换一种写法。。。

baiyan305

blueskynoble 发表于 2013-6-29 17:33
首先 我觉得楼主的作文写得比OG上的3分作文强得太多了 得到这样的分数 让我不由对我分数也担心起来

但是楼 ...

多谢回复～～关于最后你提到的关于instruction，我感觉我是很注意的...我感觉我的2，3，4段都提到了作者的assumption.

第二段开头：
First of all, this argument essentially bases on an assumption that the prosperity of Ocean View resulted from the action of built golf course and resort hotel.

第三段开头：
the author’s another assumption is also not cogent that the measure work in Ocean View will also be effective in Hopewell.

第四段开头：
the premise that the action of built golf course and resort hotel is the best way to improve economy of Hopewell is unsubstantiated.

所以我感觉我确实是强调了assumption，如果instruction是question或evidence，我会换对应的写法。

同意你的观点：
1.确实是自己编写的模板...已经习惯了...
2.段内逻辑确实有问题...经不起推敲

竹林中人

传一个另外一个同学的意见吧。