若若的独立写作贴

改变

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-8-8 21:42
2013.08.08 Independent writing
人们不像以前那样尊重长辈了
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In our modern society, the rapid improvement oftechnology is changing our life drastically. As a result, the latest fruits of scientific research or technical developmentbecome more and more crucial to our daily life and we do not have to depend onthe knowledge which is obtained by past experiences that closely like our forefathers(这个说法对么？ 感觉有点chinenglish). For example, in ancientagricultural societies, people cultivated plants in springs and harvested inautumns repeatedly, leading a stable lifefor hundreds of years.(自己总是不会用现代分词，感觉同时形容一个东西的下次自己就ing 不能再用从句了) Respecting ancestors andLearning from their experience would be essential for people because knowledgeabout cultivation needs to be accumulated for generations. However, nowadays， fascinating techniques today can be obsoletetomorrow. Renovation becomes the hub our live andour respect is shifting to those people who have the capability to keep up withthe times. （中心观点明确）先肯定现象 再带出结果

Furthermore, with the societal and culturaldevelopment, weare leading a more independent life and have established a brand new conceptionof the relationship between us and our fathers. For example, in ancientChina, people might think obeisance is equal torespect.But in the civilized society, many of us have been learning from an early ageto communicate with our parents like friends and not always follow theirthoughts. Few people might dispute that critical thinking isimportant for people in the modern society and we ought to build our owncognition of the outer world andthe inner soul. As a result, we should not always obey to ourparents, which is treated as respect in the past. As far as I am concerned, weare still giving our respect to elder people, but in a more equal and properway.   

总体写的很好啊  比我写的好多了

第一段背景-例子-原因-结果

第二段细化了 以中国为例子 从之前怎么obey（obey的表现）到现在

我之前写的时候总是想从why从发 写，感觉这种现象的题 或者说没有什么确定的原因的题 从how上写更好

zengyuruo

2013.08.11 independent writing
如果學校拿到了一筆錢，improve the food of cafe in school or invest in social activity for students after school.
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Noting that students could benefit from the investment in improving the food in the cafeteria on campus, we might approve the university's decision to do this. However, I would like to take exception when it compares with the university's patronage in some after-class social activities for students. As far as I am concerned, social activities will be more necessary and meaningful, as discussed below.

To begin with, even though high-quality food and educational social activities are both important for students, these two investments do not have the same priority for the university when making decisions. If the university cannot provide students with some delicious food, some restaurants off campus would definitely invest in this field. However, without the necessary resource which can only be found on campus, such as outstanding students, experienced professors and intensive cultural atmosphere, other business organizations can hardly offer amazing social activities for students. As a result, universities might be the only ones who can invest in preparing interesting social campaigns for students in some situations.

Furthermore, students would obtain more from beneficial after-class activities than nutrient food. The most essential reason for which students go to university is to study edge-cutting knowledge and to make friends, preparing a solid foundation for their further education and career. In this case, social activities, helping students improve their communicational skills and teamwork skills, would provide more nutrient. Not only will students be benefited, the university may also be more attractive for potential top students because of various fascinating social activities they provided.

Last but not least, providing delicious and nutrient food is very simple and can be done whenever university wants to. However, organizing high-quality social activities would be much more difficult. It will take universities a relatively long time to be able to give students many meaningful and attractive social activities. Consequently, when the university has the money, it will be a wiser choice to fund social activities than invest in cafeteria food.

In sum, for social activities would be more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities to provide, I will strongly recommend that universities should invest in after-class social activities rather than food in cafeteria.

junanita

Noting that students could benefit from the investment in improving the food in the cafeteria on campus, we might approve the university's decision to do this（this指代的应该是investment in improving the food in the cafeteria, 所以这句话的主语要改为这个，前半句话最好改为Noting that investment in improving the quality of food can be beneficial to students, we migh approve... 亲体会一下，这两种说法强调点是不一样的）. However, I would like to take exception when it compares with the university's patronage in some after-class social activities for students. As far as I am concerned, social activities will be more necessary and meaningful, as discussed below.

To begin with, even though high-quality food and educational social activities are both important for students, these two investments do not have the same priority for the university when making decisions.（我觉得比较好的是 在开头就说明分论点：activities更necessary，而不是在第一句说activities和food的优先级不一样，亲的第一句话可以放在分论点后的第一个展开。接下一注释） If the university cannot provide students with some delicious food, some restaurants off campus would definitely invest in this field. However, without the necessary resource which can only be found on campus, such as outstanding students, experienced professors and intensive cultural atmosphere, other business organizations can hardly offer amazing social activities for students. As a result, universities might be the only ones who can invest in preparing interesting social campaigns for students in some situations.（或者在结尾的时候提到Therefore，allocating more money on social activities is necessary这类点明分论点的话，不然亲的第一段就没有对分论点的确切描述）

Furthermore, students would obtain more from beneficial after-class activities than nutrient food. The most essential reason for which students go to university is to study edge-cutting （the cutting edge of sth）knowledge and to make friends, preparing a solid foundation for their further education and career. In this case, social activities, helping students improve their communicational skills and teamwork skills, would provide more nutrient. Not only will students be benefited, the university may also be more attractive for potential top students because of various fascinating social activities they provided.

Last but not least, providing delicious and nutrient food is very simple and can be done whenever university wants to. However, organizing high-quality social activities would be much more difficult. It will take universities a relatively long time to be able to give students many meaningful and attractive social activities. Consequently, when the university has the money, it will be a wiser choice to fund social activities than invest in cafeteria food.(亲这段感觉不太合适，更困难的东西投资它就更wise么？逻辑不通啊～有点凑字的嫌疑)

In sum, for（since） social activities would be more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities to provide, I will strongly recommend that universities should invest in after-class social activities rather than food in cafeteria.
亲，你的文章的总论点是 投资activities可以more beneficial to students and more necessary for universities， 但是你的三个分论点里面只有第一（necessary）二（benefit）个分论点支持了你的总论点，而第三个分论点完全都没有提到投资activities的necessary和benefit，所以第三段很牵强。如果亲觉得字数是个问题的话，可以在每段里面加入事例，不一定非要名人事例啊（T不像G），自己身边的就行，这样论述可以更饱满一些，毕竟大家都不喜欢看干论述对吧~ 哈哈 以上都是纯个人意见哈，要是有疑问的话欢迎咱们继续讨论啊~

zengyuruo

2013.08.12 independent writing
Students get benefit from student organization or club activities 是不是as much as their academic studies.
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I strongly agree with the assertion that student organization or club activities are as important as academic studies for the students. The ultimate aim of education is to help student get necessary preparation for their future life. As a result, some different kind of practice and experience can be equally critical for them.

To begin with, although acquiring theoretical knowledge is essential, too much academic studies can be boring and even harmful for students. For example, if some students only focus on their studies, they would soon become tired and can hardly go deep enough to achieve their final goals. Students are always hurrying and busy, then club activities would play an important role in relaxing and refreshing students. It will definitely help students have a better performance in their academic studies after coming back from club activities.

Furthermore, besides academic studies, there are many other things that would be also beneficial for college students, such as communication skills, teamwork skills and capability to study independently, which could be gained in club activities. Few people might dispute that success could be affected by many factors. For those who want to succeed, they should prepare themselves from many aspects, not only impractical knowledge. One apt illustration is far to seek. I have a friend who is very open and fond of participating in club activities. Even though he majored in EE during his college life, the outstanding interpersonal skills helped him achieve a position of salesman in P&G, which is his dream for a long time. Without various club activities, I think it would take him a longer time to make this shift from an engineer to a salesperson.

Last but not least, club activities will provide students the chance to get to know each other, and discussions with students with different majors can have a very positive influence on one's academic study. Club activities themselves can also give students many new ideas and experience, which could stimulate their imagination and help them find their dreams.

In sum, club activities are as important as academic studies for the students during their college life. Students will get better preparation for their further education and career if they try their best to attend some interesting and educational club activities.