Louzhou的独立写作贴

louzhou

yzwdan818 发表于 2013-6-12 22:37
6.11 独立

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

谢谢批改！

嗯，确实能保证逻辑关系更好……我是因为重点（能够写得比较好的）句子在an optimized diet论点上，所以才把该论点提前。
句式问题……嗯，我多练习下。

an optimized diet应该是无问题的（原文用a，有误），optimized：最佳化的，优化的
另外关于school是单数还是复数的问题，单数的school不知道可否表泛指？还是复数好一点？

louzhou

6.13独立
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Printed books have greater effects on society than television does.

It is widely noticed that both printed books and televisions have effects on society. Some people insist that printed books have greater effects than televisions, while others assert the opposite opinion. As far as I am concerned, it is indisputable that printed books' affect human society more profoundly.

First of all, Books has been the vehicle of wisdom that has influenced human society profoundly for more than 2,000 years, while television is only a product of modern technology, majoring in family entertainment since 1950. For more than 2000 years, printed books has been used to record and spread people's thoughts, declarations, scientific theories, social events and religious creeds. From Archimedes to Thomas Jefferson, their gorgeous achievements stimulate people to move on and create a better world, through printed books. Meanwhile, televisions' main goal, as well as major achievement, is the creation of a fantastic word that allows people to escape from real world for a while, which has been widely acknowledged since the shadow of cold war began to envelop the whole America. Therefore, printed books affect human society more profoundly in time and degree.

Secondly, books contain practical knowledge from all fields that inspire people's creation, while most shows and series in TV are superficial and misleading. Knowledge conveyed through printed books helps me earn my life in society. However, popular soup opera, sitcom and thrillers in TV shows contain few nutrients. For example, famous TV series like Vampire Diary, The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad contain elements of sex, violence, crime and horror, which will mislead young people, especially children. Also, it is self-evident that commercial advertisements in TV often cause unwise consumption. Thus, compared to printed books, shows in televisions are mainly unnourishing and have few effects except amusement.

What's more, TVs are likely to fade out with the rise of internet, but printed books remain in prosperity. The widely spread of internet has attracted the younger generation to watch videos and films in front of computers but not TVs, stimulating famous video websites like Youtube and it's followers. On the other hand, any attempt to replace printed books has ended up in failure. Even though Amazon has sold out more than 1 million Kindle Paper White which's purpose is to replace printed books, they still have to admit customers prefer printed books more often.

Therefore, from the issues I mentioned above we can sasily draw a conclusion that books have profound effects in mental inspiration, personal development and the progress of society, while televisons fails in importance compared to printed books and are likely to fade out. Those who hold opposite idea should rethink and accept the truth.

louzhou

yzwdan818 发表于 2013-6-13 07:46
不好意思，我之前和你说过，段与段之间不需要空两行对不对？我今天看之前的讲义，发现段与段之间还是需要 ...

嗯，我自己就是使用空一行这种方式。

louzhou

17 June
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Physical exercise is more important for elder people than younger people.

Needless to say, physical exercise plays an important role in daily life for all the generations. Some people take it for granted that exercise is more important for elderly than younger people. Although this idea makes some sense considering the body situations of these two groups; however, I counter this assert with my own opinion: physical exersice is more important, at least in equal importance, for younger ones.

Firstly, with the acceleration of life pace, people new to society or under education are in vicious circle of unhealthy lifestyle, which damage their physical and mental healyth deeply. What makes exercise important for elderly lies in the fact that old people's risk of being caught in diseases is high because of the degeneration of body founction, while exersicing physically help them strenghten their organs' founction and activate their immune system. The same situation is happening to the younger generation. Becoming sedentary all day, explosing to car exhaust very often, attending parties the whole night, and joining the night-owls' group, all contributes to the risks of becoming ill and even sudden death for the youngh and their peers. When people claiming the importance of exercise for elderly, isn't it necessary that they should concern, even a little, to young people's necessity of having some exercise?

Secondly, younger people are more likely to live with high-technology products, resluting in lazyness and lack of exercise, while older people are less addicted to these peoducts. For the past decades, the public impression of lazy people are coach-potatoes sitting in front of teleisions; however, now the impression are those who sticking to their computers or iPads all day. Convenience though these hi-tech products brings us, they undoubtedly cause lazyness and obesity, damaging their victim's health fatally. Those who are addicted to these products, needless to say, are younger generation. Therefore, exercise is of great importance to these people.

What's more, young people graduate from test-based education are often self-centered and lack experience in cooperation, while exercise and sports that needs teamwork can largely solve this problem. Students see everyone except himself or herself as competitors in exams, especially in China, for the only definition of success is to beat up others in exams. Had people ever understood the necessity of cooperation and changed the evaluating system, the lack of cooperating sense would never have happened. Fortunately, sports that reqiures team-playing can deal with this problem. Concerning the benefit that such exercise can result in, will anyone still neglect the importance of exercise?

From the three issues I mentioned above we can easily draw a conclusion that physical exercise is at least in equal importance for both younger people and older ones. Considering the fact that exercise brings physical health, mental health and skill of cooperation to younger generation, it even play a more important role for younger people than for older ones.

阿伦艾弗森

亲，17号的作文题目和16号的一样，我写过了，然后别人也改了就木有再写、如果你有兴趣就去看看；不用帮我改了，我帮你改过就好~~~

阿伦艾弗森

Needless to say,（其实可以删去这个） physical exercise plays an important role in daily life for all the generations. Some people take it for granted that exercise is more important for elderly than younger people. Although （although是连词，句子里需要出现两个谓语）this idea makes some sense considering the body situations of these two groups; however,（把下划线部分去掉although从句就正确啦~） I counter this assert with my own opinion: physical exersice is more important, at least in equal importance, for younger ones.

Firstly, with the acceleration of life pace, people new to society or under education are in vicious circle of unhealthy lifestyle, which damages (注意主谓一致) their physical and mental healyth deeply. What makes exercise important for elderly lies in the fact that old people's risk of being caught in diseases is high because of the degeneration of body founction,（这话太啰嗦了，而且我语法老师讲过，句子最好不要写of being结构） while exersicing physically help them strenghten their organs' founction and activate their immune system. The same situation is happening to the younger generation. Becoming sedentary all day, explosing to car exhaust very often, attending parties the whole night, and joining the night-owls' group, all contributes （主谓一致）to the risks of becoming ill and even sudden death for the youngh and their peers.（不知道peers能这么用。） When people claiming the importance of exercise for elderly, isn't it necessary that they should concern, even a little, to young people's necessity of having some exercise?（连词数=谓语数+1，所以你这句话多了一个连词；或者少了一个谓语）

Secondly, younger people are more likely to live with high-technology products, resluting in lazyness and lack of exercise, （这样的插入语结构一般不做修饰，且容易被误会成修饰products,建议把这个修饰语直接放在主语后）while older people are less addicted to these peoducts. For the past decades, the public impression of lazy people are （主谓一致）coach-potatoes sitting in front of teleisions; however, now the impression are （主谓一致）those who （who是连词，句子里需要有两个谓语）sticking to their computers or iPads all day. Convenience though these hi-tech products brings us, （这个是倒装吗？这个真不太清楚能这么用）they undoubtedly cause lazyness and obesity, damaging （一个句子中的两个动词的形式最好并列）their victim's health fatally. Those who are addicted to these products, needless to say, are younger generation. Therefore, exercise is of great importance to these people.

What's more, young people graduated from test-based education are often self-centered and lack experience in cooperation, while exercise and sports that（把这个that放到teamwork后） needs (主谓一致)teamwork can largely solve this problem. Students see everyone except himself or herself as competitors in exams, especially in China, for the only definition of success is to beat up others in exams. （这句话少连词）Had people ever understood the necessity of cooperation and changed the evaluating system, the lack of cooperating sense would never have happened. （这句话是虚拟语气的倒装？用法不错，但是有点小跑腿了。。。。）Fortunately, sports that reqiures （用required做一个修饰的后缀就好）team-playing can deal with this problem. Concerning the benefit that such exercise can result in, will anyone still neglect the importance of exercise?

From the three issues I mentioned above we can easily draw a conclusion that physical exercise is at least in equal importance for both younger people and older ones. Considering the fact that exercise brings physical health, mental health and skill of cooperation to younger generation, it even play a more important role for younger people than for older ones.

1.因为修改页面改版了，找不到删去符号的那个小横线了，所以删去内容用下划线代替
2.注意主谓一致问题
3.注意连词与谓语的关系。


一点拙见，还请多多指教~~~

louzhou

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-18 10:01
Needless to say,（其实可以删去这个） physical exercise plays an important role in daily life for all ...

谢谢批改！
为了30分钟内写完这400多字。确实出了一些语法上的漏洞……另外，下面几点还可以讨论下：

1. when... isn't it necessary that 句：确实少了谓语动词，应该是：When people are claiming the importance of exercise for elderly, isn't it necessary that……

2. Convenience though……句：是倒装，这样用应该是没有问题的，不过也可以修改为更明显的倒装句：Convenient though these hi-tech products are， ……

3. they undoubtedly cause lazyness and obesity, damaging their victim's health fatally.这个是动名词作后置定语修饰laziness和obesity（其实我原文laziness拼写有误……），应该是没问题的。

4. Students see everyone except himself or herself as competitors in exams, especially in China, for the only definition of success is to beat up others in exams. 句：连词是for，for可以作为因果关系的连词。

5. Had people ever understood the necessity of cooperation and changed the evaluating system, the lack of cooperating sense would never have happened. 句：这句话就是过去虚拟语气+倒装，没错，是特意为了堆高级语法……

阿伦艾弗森同学你批改好认真啊，我自己写完后看了一遍都没看出什么问题，尤其是连词数=谓语数+1这个检查方法确实很好用～

sherlock1992

阿伦同学挺给力的，，，

louzhou

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-18 22:32
阿伦同学挺给力的，，，

是啊，然后你写作文也很积极，大家一起加油～