Louzhou的独立写作贴

grace9210

Let's begin thistopic with a famous automatic rifle: AK47. The AK47 has been widely used sinceWWII, and have(前面是has,这里也该用has吧) ended almost 10,000,000 people's lives. This weapon has beenthe symbol of evil; however, the origin purpose of AK47's designer was todevelop a gun that could protect his motherland from being invaded. Althoughthis issue maybe somehow too extreme, it really indicates the fact that whethera discovery or invention is negative depends on how people use it. Therefore,in my point of view, it is unfair for scientists to be responsible for thenegative resluts（results啦） caused by theirdiscoveries or inventions.

First of all, the main reason why technology andit's related products cause negative environmental impact is people's unlimitedusage of these products, especially when people are lack of environmentalawareness. In 1998, the sudden deaths of sea lions in Monterey Bay, Californiashocked the whole America. When all the scientists were seeking for (不知道此处用不用加the）causefretfully, the result came out to be the abuse of urea as fertilizer. Urea was thought to be a kind of safe coupound （是要写compound么？）so people have（不知道是不是把前面的变成is呢，或后面的变成had呢，求教）no limitation in usage. However, when the surplus urea cameto sea, combined with EI Nino, seaweeds turned it to domoic acid, which damagedsea lions' nerve system fatally. Had people ever understood the importance oflimitation in usage of chemicals, such a（an） environmentaldisaster would never have happened. So what really causes environmenal（environmental，不要着急啦慢点打字~~） problemsis people's unlimited usage of several products, not scientists.

Seciondly（secondly）, discoveries or inventions' side effects to public healthare mainly cauesd（caused）by people's lack of self-control. The negativeelements in our characteristc （characteristics，这个词表示名词的时候是可数的）are always trying to block us from improving ourselves and seeking forvents that can effect（affect，effect作动词是使发生的意思） or control us.Discoveries and inventions are some of these vents. Therefore, if we havestrong self-control, we can limitthe side effects cauesd（caused） buy（by） hi-tech products tominimum. Take me and my friend for example.Last year I bought an iPad, and so did my roomie. I mainly used it to readbooks in applications like Kindle and Acrobat. However, my roomie devotedalmost all his time in downloading and playing games. When the final exam came,I got good credits because the books in my iPad had widened my horizon profoundly, while myroomie's result was totally a mess. Thus, the negative side of discoveries andinventions would not appear if people were able to control themselves.

Last, but not the least, when considering the nagative（negative） impact of technology in family relationship, the firstthing to be blamed is theabsence of parenting. Some parents care few about their childrens（children）. They devote all their time to their jobs and entertainment,and lay all the burden（burdens，burden作名词表示责任的负担时是可数名词） of educationto schools. What these parents have done drivestheir children to cellphones and conputers（computers）, causing the decrease of family communication. Therefore ,itis unfair for scientists to be responsible for this problem.

It can be easilyconcluded from the above that scientistshas few relation with the nagative（negative）results that are brought by their discoveriesor inventions. What isreally to be blamed is the dark side of our personality and negative elementsin our mind. Those who critize（criticize）scientists without consideration should rethink and acceptthe truth.

这里勤勤同学友情互批，有时间也看看我的劣作吧~~~~http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-859835-1-1.html

只是我的一点点拙见啦~
首先觉得你的（不知道该怎么称呼啊）文章特别通顺，思路很清晰。因为没有上过辅导班这篇文章我都不知道去哪里找分论点了都。
但是看了你的文章才知道可以不断论证真正的罪魁祸首是其他人而不是科学家，用批评其他人达到保护科学家的效果，好神奇~~~~
不过不要心太急哦，拼写倒是错了不少
有的单词注意下单复数吧，我也总犯这样的错误。
有显而易见的信息词，逻辑也很清晰。

写的很好哦~~~~
如果有任何修改错误的地方，一定要告诉我哦不要客气~

grace9210

我勒个去，，难道从word里粘贴过来的就每一次能正常点？
颜色又没了....

阿伦艾弗森

louzhou 发表于 2013-6-18 18:08
谢谢批改！
为了30分钟内写完这400多字。确实出了一些语法上的漏洞……另外，下面几点还可以讨论下：

啊、因为很久没改文了，所以有不到的地方还请多多包涵啊、嘿嘿
for表连词确实是我忘了。。== 、不好意思啦。~~因为我的语法一般。。。额。。。。

louzhou

grace9210 发表于 2013-6-19 06:26
Let's begin thistopic with a famous automatic rifle: AK47. The AK47 has been widely used sinceWWII,  ...

拼错了这么多单词啊，看来以后不能写得太急了……

louzhou

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-19 08:43
啊、因为很久没改文了，所以有不到的地方还请多多包涵啊、嘿嘿
for表连词确实是我忘了。。== 、不好意思 ...

没事，艾佛森同学你也提了很多有用的建议……大家一起努力～

louzhou

6.19 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is more important for government to spend money improving Internet access than improving public transportation.


Both Internet and public transportation plays an important role in modern life. Some people take it for granted that government should pay money to elevate Internet access speed and number of hot spots rather than to support the improvement of public transportation. Considering the contribution of Internet, this idea makes some sense. However, based on the facts below, I counter this assertion with my opinion: supporting the improvement of public transportation should be in priority of government budget.

Firstly, the main traffic of Internet has been filled with things of less importance, whlie the main capacity of public transportation has been used to support economy and production. Based on researches made by several major Internet companies, nearly three quarters of network traffic, shameful though, is occupied by downloading pornographic videos and pictures, or uesd to spread affairs and junk mails. On the other hand, the number of people relying on public transportation for daily routine is increasing, for it is a wise solution for traffic jam and a result of public awareness of environmental protection. Public transportation overides Internet in working efficiency and contribution. Therefore, it is reasonable that goverment budget supports public transportation preferentilly.

Secondly, generally speaking, curret network bandwith meets the social demand, while public transport capacity fails in meeting social requirement. Take China for example. Even in a countryside Internet bar you can watch a video on line or play online games smoothly. But during the spring festival, millions of people rush to train stations to go home, breaking down the railway transportation system immediately. Needless to say, innumerable people for work are stuck in metro stations every morining, just hoping the train comes faster and are not full. Had people ever understood the importance of public transportation and forced the government to support it in priority, such situations would never have happened. Therefore, it is necessary that financial support should be paid to the improvement of public transportation firstly.

Admittedly, despite the low effieiency, Internet has contributed to our society profoundly. However, capital for the improvement of Internet access should be dealed with related companies and their ommercial methods, leaving the government budget for more necessary expenses, such as improving public transportation. Only by facing commercial competitions directly can Internet companies become strong and competitive. Intel and AMD have received few support from the American government, and they both have grown into hi-tech tycoons. While the governmental supported processor design project "Longxin" in China has been totally a failure. Therefore, there is few need for goverment to support the improvement of Internet financially.

From the three issues I mentioned aboved we can easily draw a conclusion that the importance of government's financial support on public transportation overrides the necessity of improving Internet access. Those who concerns only about theirselves, ignore the public need and hold the opposite viewpoint should rethink and accept the truth.

zengyuruo

Both Internet and public transportation plays(这里用单数好像不太合适哇？) an important role in modern life. Some people take it for granted that government should pay money to elevate Internet access speed and the number of hot spots rather than to support the improvement of public transportation. Considering the contribution of Internet, this idea makes some sense. However, based on the facts below, I counter this assertion with my opinion: supporting the improvement of public transportation should be in priority of government budget.

Firstly, the main traffic of Internet has been filled with things of less importance, whlie（while） the main capacity of public transportation has been used to support economy and production. Based on researches made by several major Internet companies, nearly three quarters of network traffic, shameful though, is occupied by downloading pornographic videos and pictures, or uesd（used） to spread affairs（没太理解spread affairs） and junk mails. On the other hand, the number of people relying on public transportation for daily routine is increasing, for it is a wise solution for（to） traffic jam and a result of public awareness of environmental protection. Public transportation overrides Internet in working efficiency and contribution. Therefore, it is reasonable that government budget supports public transportation preferentially.

Secondly, generally speaking, current network bandwidth meets the social demand, while public transport capacity fails in meeting social requirement. Take China for example. Even in a countryside Internet bar you can watch a video on line or play online games smoothly. But during the spring festival, millions of people rush to train stations to go home, breaking down the railway transportation system immediately. Needless to say, innumerable people for work are stuck in metro stations every morning, just hoping the train comes faster and are not full. Had people ever understood the importance of public transportation and forced the government to support it in priority, such situations would never have happened. Therefore, it is necessary that financial support should be paid(pay support的搭配好像不对哈) to the improvement of public transportation firstly.

Admittedly, despite the low efficiency, Internet has contributed to our society profoundly. However, capital for the improvement of Internet access should be dealed（dealt） with related companies and their commercial methods, leaving the government budget for more necessary expenses, such as improving public transportation. Only by facing commercial competitions directly can Internet companies become strong and competitive. Intel and AMD have received few support（由于support是可数的，一般使用few supports或者little support） from the American government, and they both have grown into hi-tech tycoons. While the governmental supported processor design project "Longxin" in China has been totally a failure. Therefore, there is few need for government to support the improvement of Internet financially.

From the three issues I mentioned above we can easily draw a conclusion that the importance of government's financial support on public transportation overrides the necessity of improving Internet access. Those who concerns only about theirselves（themselves）, ignore the public need and hold the opposite viewpoint should rethink and accept the truth.

不好意思，我把任务看错了，所以给亲改晚了。不过感觉亲写得很好，条例很清楚，表达也很顺畅！

zengyuruo

亲，有个小请求，你要是有时间，能不能帮我看一眼昨天的作业。
勤勤帮我看了，觉得我写的偏题，可是我自己觉得第三分论点确实有点画蛇添足，但第二分论点应该是没偏的。
不知道是不是自己的误区。。。谢谢啦~~

http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... ;extra=#pid18214945