作文求批改

sherlock1992

新手一枚，请多多指教。
            independent writing: for successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universites?
           
        Perhaps no issue in this world is as significant to people as receiving good education from universities which enable them to find a better job after graduation. Despite varous responses people may have on this topic concerning the issue regarding whether a government should focus its budget more on very young children education or on universities. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that for successful development of a country, the university education is of great significance.
       First and foremost, as we all know, after graduation from university, the next step for most students is usually to find a job. And one scientific reasearch has said there is a positive relation between education level and the possibility of getting a job. If many of the people in a country can get a job, the rise of employment rate, accordingly, can boost the economy of the whole country, and thus promote people's standards of living, in the end, has an effect to decrease the criminal rate and make the society' s development more successful. So, paying more attention on university education is more crucial than doing this in the stage of rumimentary level.
       What's more, university education is often being seen as a transitory process for students to bridge the high school education and the future job preparation. if cutting this vital process, i could hardly imagine what will happen when the time comes for these high school graduates to find a job, not to mention a decent job. Meanwhile, it will also cause a grave influence to the upward mobility of our society, which is always an important factor to measure a socity's development condition.
       On the other hand, the education from university distills adolescents a mature thought to the world we are living in. Through this way, the people in the university can form a relatively complete system to this world. Also, the ability to  specialize in a certain area could enable them to participate in activities of this competitive society. All these qualites we learned from university can hardly ever been found in the education system of young children. The main task for the young children's education, i think, should focus on the teaching o f value: the value towards life, beauty, kind-hearted, the right cognitive of this world and so on. Obiviously, these teachings do  not require much money instead rely more on the quality of teachers.
      After ruminating these three above-mentioned reasons, i am fully convinced that universities deserve to own more attention from the government. Anyway, it's a pretty good chioce to focus the budget more on universities rather than on very young children education.

shiwen5006

个人觉得主体部分，楼主可以写的更详细一些：
比如，第一个原因，更多的钱---->大学可以买更多设备，hire更好的老师------>学生学到的知识更专业------>更容易找到工作。

sherlock1992

  非常感谢，是个不错的建议。