梦想无法放弃！！！ Cleo归来 托福作文每天坚持 求批改

cleotina

TPO 26
Integrated
In the lecture, the professor gives the opposite opinions, one by one, to defeat the ideas offered in the passage. Obviously, the three problems about Zebra mussel are not anymore.


First, the thing that zebra mussel spread as the ships traveling can be controlled under the proper method. In the past, people do not know how to eliminate the phenomenon since they lack of knowledge. In the professor opinion, if the ship pulls the water into the ocean, the mussel will die since the seawater is too salty to survive. Mussel will not spread the whole North sea.


Second, the zebra mussel will have enemy one day, even in a brand new place. Just as the professor said, at the very beginning the mussel will dominate the new place, and no other animal likely to feat on them. But as time flying, the population of other species may decrease, predators may tend to try the zebra mussel and form a new habit. For predators, they may think what a new fresh dishes!


Third, one the contrary, the spread of the mussel may become the food of the meat eaters. In the lake, there are many fish living on plankton eaters, containing abundance mussel. Plenty mussels just offer a happy living garden for them. In this condition, the population of the whole fish in the lake may increase but not decrease.



Independent
When it comes to find a job, everyone will think twice to make a decision. Like going to colleague and getting married, choosing a job is one of the top three important issues, especially in China, a country with such a long history's traditional culture. How to choose a job is really a problem. There are many factors and many choices, and how to value all the factors and choices depends on situation. But if you let me make a decision between jobs similar to their parents and jobs totally different from their parents, I will definitely choose the former one.


Experience is very important in the career development. If children choose jobs that are similar to their parents, parents will be mentors to teach him almost everything about their job. And if children encounter any problems they can discuss with their parents conveniently. Compared with other new comers, these children with their parents help will gain a lot experiences and will be an excellent staff in the area.


Relationship is vital for everyone development. And if they work in the area where their parents have worked for more than 20 years, all the bosses and leaders will be their familiars. In this situation, more chances will come to them. One of my classmates works in the bank system, which her mother has worked with that bank for two decades. Since the first day she arrived in the bank, her leader treats her very well. And she gets more than three promotions during the past three years, while others staff who arrived in the bank at the same time just win once.


If they choose the area, and their parents have a rather bright contribution. They will proud of their parents and try to work hard to gain an even bigger prize. Obviously, their parents are their model and their energy source in the daily work.


In sum, children choose the similar jobs with their parents will enjoy lots of benefits. However, this does not mean that all children should do the same thing as their parents. As I said in the beginning, there are so many factors we should concern, such as preference, characteristic, etc. Above all, keeping chasing dream is most important.





TPO 1

综合写作

The American typically work five day a week and eight hours per day, and someone want to work four day a week to get 80% of money. They believe that this change will offer more job opportunities, and the unemployment will decrease, that they can spend more time on their personal life, and that they will fell relax and enjoy working. In sum this will be a good change for the worker, the society and the employer.


On the contrary, the professor gives his concerns about this change. Firstly, more employees mean more offices and computers to offer in order to finish the same job, and that since all employees need health insurance and training, more money will have to spend to cover the whole stuff. For the employers, this is not an economical way to be used. Secondly, concerning about the employees, it is also not good. As we analyzed before, company will prefer the five-day workers to four-day worker to control its financial budget. Thus, the one who want to work four day a week will lose a lots job opportunities. Furthermore, four-day work will also affect employees' personal career development, since most of the jobs need experience to perform excellent. For example, if there are two workers joining in the company in the same time, one works five day a week and another works four day a week. Generally the former will obtain more skills and chances, thus he will have a larger potential to get promotion.






独立写作

In this argument, there are two questions; one is whether the sports and social activities are as important as classes and libraries, and another is, if the first question is positive, whether school should offer equal financial support on sports and social activities. In my opinion, the sports and social activities are import but not as important as classes and libraries, and even if they are equally important, we also should not spend equal money on them, because the investment is depends on the price index of the various facilities.


For one thing, I always believe that a person should focus on the present thing. University is a place of studying and learning, and students should concentrate on studying. After the university, students become independent adults, and then they should try their best to expend social relationship and chase career development. School take charge in tell students what is the most important thing for them. If school believes that sport and social activities are as important as study, as we all know that study is more boring than sport and social activities, students will tend to choose spend time on sports and socializing but not on studying. Step by step, students may think studying is not useful and give up it.

One of my classmates is a specific example. He is cleaver, from a family of business, born with leadership. When he arrived at school he spend a lot of time on social activities, such as run a small business as a freshman, attend sports competitions. After half a year he dropped out because he thought run a business is more useful than studying. However, after several years we met again, he still runs his small business and does not know how to plan his future. What a pity, if he focuses on studying during his university stage and obtained abundant knowledge, today he should be a successful business man.


For another thing, as I said before, since different kind of good with a different price. Even the sports and social activities are equally important as study and library, the budget on these totally different terms should be various.

starlee

独立写作
In this argument, there are two questions; one is whether the sports and social activities are as important as classes and libraries, and another is, if the first question is positive, whether school should offer equal financial support on sports and social activities. (句子过长，而且感觉有些累赘，假如换个背景介绍更好)In my opinion, the sports and social activities are import but not as important as classes and libraries, and even if they are equally important, we also should not spend equal money on them, because the investment is depends on the price index of the various facilities.（句子错误较多，而且此句也太长了，读起来很累）

For one thing, I always believe that a person should focus on the present thing.（可以加个定语从句） University is a place of (这里是否要改成for?) studying and learning, and students should concentrate on studying. After  the university,(after entering college) students become independent adults,(去掉adults是否更好？) and thenthey should try their best to expend social relationships and chase career developments.School take（主谓一致）charge in tell (这个搭配对吗？)students what is the most important thing for them. If school believes that sports and social activities are as important as study, as we all know that study is more boring than sport and social activities, students will tend to choose spend time on sports （这句真心没看懂）and socializing but not on studying. （又是一个超级长句子，不看）Step by step, students may think studying is not useful and give up it.（此段很空洞，缺少details的有力支撑）
One of my classmates is a specific example.(此句很中国) He is cleaver（拼错了吧）, from a family of business, born with leadership. (My friend, a very clever student, was born in a family of doing business.) When he arrived at school he spend a lot of time on social activities, such as run a small business as a freshman, attend sports competitions.(such as若后接动词，通常用动名词) After half a year he dropped out because he thoughtrun(running) a business is more useful than studying. However, after several years(,)we met again,he still runs his small business(很中国) and does not know how to plan his future. What a pity, if he focuses on studying during his university stage and obtained abundant knowledge（此处虚拟语气）, today he should be a successful business man.

For another thing, as I said before, since different kindsof good with a different prices. (此句我没听过，确认是否正确)Even the sports and social activities are equally important as study and library, the budget on these totally different terms should be various.
Summary：There are many mistakes of your grammer，and you should enrich the contents in your essay. It is better to add some details to support your ideas.(All above is my own suggestion)

cleotina

thanks, yout suggestion is really helpful.

cleotina

小郁闷 ，本来要交作业的。写完了，操作失误 木有保存文件！哭···

lizchang1990

When it comes to find a job, everyone will think twice to make a decision. Like going to colleague (你这个词用错了吧,不觉得这个词组怪怪的么?) and getting married, choosing a job is one of the top three important issues, especially in China, a country with such a long history's traditional (这里表达有点混乱了,建议去其一,再说有historic 哦)culture. How to choose a job is really a problem. There are many factors and many choices, and how to value all the factors and choices depends on situation. But if you let me make a decision between jobs similar (你similar后面整句话都感觉需要调整,糅杂在一块了)to their parents and jobs totally different from their parents, I will definitely choose the former one. (去掉one)
这段,你写得绕了,打了一回曲线救国牌,建议点重点,铺陈1.2句OK

Experience is very important in the career development. If children choose jobs that are similar to their parents, parents will be mentors to teach him almost everything about their job. And if children encounter any problems they can discuss with their parents conveniently. Compared with other new comers, these children with(建议套个从句who have) their parents (所有歌哦)help will gain a lot experiences and will be an excellent staff in the area.

Relationship is vital for everyone development(这个表达chinglish). And if they work in the area where their parents have worked for more than 20 years, all the bosses and leaders will be their familiars. In this situation, more chances will come to them. One of my classmates works in the bank system(取掉system), which her mother has worked with that bank for two decades. Since the first day she arrived in the bank, her leader treats(时态问题) her very well. And she gets more than three promotions during the past three years, while others (去S)staff who arrived in the bank at the same time just win once.

If they choose the area, and their parents have a rather bright contribution. They will proud of their parents and try to work hard to gain an even bigger prize. Obviously, their parents are their model and their energy source in the daily work.(这段太短,)

In sum, children choose the similar jobs with their parents will enjoy lots of benefits. However, this does not mean that all children should do the same thing as their parents. As I said in the beginning, there are so many factors we should concern, such as preference, characteristic, etc. Above all, keeping chasing dream is most important.(结尾还OK)

综合点评,句法没很大问题,表达也基本流畅,能多注意下,相信会突飞猛进的! 希望逻辑再加强点会更好,估计初练的原因吧~

你应该进入分队,不然自己挑题目写人家不知道你题目哦~

cleotina

TPO 19
TPO 19

综合

Bill, a student, works a buzzer in phone service program, and he shares his opinions about the job of buzzing. On the contrary, buzzing is a job totally different from the ideas maintained in the passage.



First of all, Bill refutes the idea that a buzzer will not tell the truth since he is being paid to promote. Bill says that company only hires the people using the product and really thinking it is good. So normally, what the buzzer telling you is based on his experience.



Secondly, the speaker says that people still suspicious when they know the product information from a buzzer. This soundly defeats that people tend to ignore the problems and make a final decision. In bill's experience, people will ask a lot of questions about the product and if you cannot answer them well they will not buying.



Last, Bill tells us that only good company with good product recruit buzzers. In another word, a company with poor quality of product will not use the "bazzing" tactic. If people buy a product that they know from a buzzer will enjoy it. Buzzing will end up more trustful but not mistrust and dishonesty.







独立

What is the most valuable thing in the 12th Century? This is a classical question. For most of people, the answer will be information; since you have to make a decision based on the information you gained form some new sources. I totally agree with the opinion that people must get information from many different channels to be well informed.



Always knowing the up to date information is an core value when it comes to well-informed, and gathering information from different channels means knowing the news at the very first time. Information always be propagated form one channel to another. If you learn the information from a single way, you cannot gain all the news. One my friends losses a very important bid since he miss the up-to-date information and this makes his company suffered a lot.



You cannot know the whole information from one or two news sources. Company trying to sell its products tends to show the benefits and all the advantages about its products. However, one coins always has two sides, there also are many disadvantages about products that you should know. But company will not clear them. So, if you want to make a wise decision, you should know all the advantages and disadvantages. You may have to find other ways, and that is why most of customers tend to check on the website and ask his friends’ suggestion.



In sum, if you want to be well-informed, you should gain more channels to get the specific information at the first time. However, just gaining information from different news channels cannot protect you to be well-informed. In order to know the information well, you also should have the ability to choose the most efficient methods and to evaluate the information, removing default information.

perfectends

标注：
红色：修改
绿色：赞

TPO 19

综合

Bill, a student, who works as a buzzer in phone service program, and he shares his opinions about the job of buzzing. On the contrary, buzzing is a job totally different from the ideas maintained in the passage.
（恩，这个办法好，很简介的提出了观点）


First of all, Bill refutes the idea that a buzzer will not tell the truth since he/she is being paid to promote. Bill says that company only hires the people using the product and really thinking it is good. So normally, what the buzzer telling you is based on his experience.



Secondly, the speaker says that people still suspicious when they know the product information from a buzzer. This soundly defeats that people tend to ignore the problems and make a final decision. In bill's experience, people will ask a lot of questions about the product and if you cannot answer them well they will not buying.



Last, Bill tells us that only good company with good product recruit buzzers. In another word, a company with poor quality of product will not use the "bazzing" tactic. If people buy a product that they know from a buzzer will enjoy it. Buzzing will end up more trustful but not mistrust and dishonesty.



总体而言，逻辑清晰，反驳也都到位，用语很简练，但要注意个别语法错误。



独立

What is the most valuable thing in the 12th Century? This is a classical question. For most of people, the answer will be information; since you have to make a decision based on the information you gained form some new sources. I totally agree with the opinion that people must get information from many different channels to be well informed.



Always knowing the up to date information is an core value when it comes to well-informed, and gathering information from different channels means knowing the news at the very first time. Information always be propagated form one channel to another. If you learn the information from a single way, you cannot gain all the news. One my friends losses a very important bid since he miss the up-to-date information and this makes his company suffered a lot.



You cannot know the whole information from one or two news sources. Company trying to sell its products tends to show the benefits and all the advantages about its products. However, one coins always has two sides, there also are many disadvantages about products that you should know. But company will not clear them. So, if you want to make a wise decision, you should know all the advantages and disadvantages. You may have to find other ways, and that is why most of customers tend to check on the website and ask his friends’ suggestion.



In sum, if you want to be well-informed, you should gain more channels to get the specific information at the first time. However, just gaining information from different news channels cannot protect you to be well-informed. In order to know the information well, you also should have the ability to choose the most efficient methods and to evaluate the information, removing default information.

Y？莫非我看错题目了？我补啊，回头继续来编辑下，改你的独立。

perfectends

这独立是哪天的？
24 December
Independent Writing: Is it easier to maintain good health than in the past?
Integrated Writing: TPO 19

我没写错啊。。。

daodao0704

楼主什么时候考？

cleotina

TPO 9
综合
At the very beginning, the professor agrees that the fissile materials are finite and not environmental friendly.  But she does not agree that the Hydrogen will be a proper instance; she illustrates three points to refute the point of views in the passage.
Firstly, she maintains that Hydrogen is hard to get in nowadays' technology. As the result, even the petroleum is finite; Hydrogen still cannot be used as a alternative of the gasoline or diesel fuel. thus, it is obviously disapprove the fist reason in the passage.
Secondly, she offers the evidence that producing Hydrogen needs coal and oil; and that during the procedure; more pollutant air will be emitted. So, Hydrogen is just a plausible but not practical way to protect the environment. This point clearly points out the loophole of the second argument in the passage.
Thirdly, based on the presentation of the professor, the cost producing hydrogen is high since valuable metals are needed. So, it never be a economical efficient way for the customer, compared with the gas and oil. Which is just soundly defeat the last point offered in the passage.

独立
As an adult be educated for about 20 years, I am aware the difference between the children nowadays and in the past decades. Children in the past are full of imagination and always want to dig new things, while children nowadays are busy to accept the new technology. Thus, I firmly agree that technology has made the youth less creative than in the past.

Technology makes various machines, and children can easily get the things which are totally out of their imagination. For example, my nephew always can get lot of new toys with high technology from relatives, a sophisticated transformer or light-fish. In this situation, all children' curiosities are satisfied by the technology; children loss the precious opportunities to develop intelligence, lacking of creative.  

Children nowadays enjoy conveniences of diversity facilities since they were born. Not feeling the imagination of the technology, on the opposite, they tend to take everything as granted, just like the nature principle. People can expend the creativities by pondering over how thing works, and why it appears like this. But if children don’t think about the inner rules and principles of the machine, they will never know how to make a upgrade one.

The most important thing affecting children creativity is that high technology decrease the time children communicate with each other. They almost spend large part of spare time on playing electrical game. And more children addicted by computer games and there always is a new version attracts them, which is the products of high-technology. They lost precious time talking and dreaming with friends. And as we all know that chatting and dreaming are the resources of creative ideas.
In sum, as technology takes new products, convince and entertainment. It also takes away the creativity of the children. And this problem should draw highly attention of the parents as well as the governments. Our society should guarantee enough opportunities to cultivate children's curiosity and creativity