penny的作文帖——和那个看见作文就胆怯的我说拜拜

anafkn

pennywu20 发表于 2013-5-14 23:06
5月13号独立
瞎堆上去的，逻辑也不严密，凑合着帮我改改，见谅啊

不好意思回复迟了哈。

修改：14 May independent writing

Nowadays，products made by various countries are available for people topurchase, due to the trade liberalizationand globalization. When concerning whetherpeople are responsible to purchase (for purchasing?好像见过的都是beresponsible for doing) the goods made by their owncountry even if things (things 好像很少在文章中单独出现以指代东西) of other countriesare less expensive, I believe that it is unwise for people to do so.

First, purchasing things less expensive is favorable to(for) the benefits of consumers’ themselves.Consumers only need to (直接换成can？因为后面有less了) speed(spend) less money to enjoy the same amount of utility by choosing tobuy less expensive foreign goods. For instance, if people need to buy a newcamera, one choice is to purchase a foreign camera which costs $600, and another is buying (前面是another (choice)吧？那就是另一个“购买行为”的选择) a domestic one whichcosts $680, with the same quality, so which will people prefer? It is conceivable that it iswiser to save this $80. People can utilize this amount of money to fulfillother requirements of themselves (them), such astaking their children to have a nice day in Disneyland. Thus, people’s benefitsdo be enlarged by choosing more economical merchandise.

Also, the productivity and innovation ability of domestic enterprises will bemotivated. Competitions will arise (把arise产生换成be intensified加剧怎么样？), if consumers are eager to purchase foreign products. In order tomaintain the formal market share, enterprises are motivated to lower productioncost and make improvements in other aspects of products. The Haier Corporation is the leading refrigeratorproducer in China (要不加个连接词？takingHaier, the leading refrigerator producer in China as an example ). It occupied more than 60% market shares in China in the 1990s.Later, when other advanced and cheaper refrigerator brands, such as Siemenswere introduced to China, the Haier experienced a drop (好温柔的语气……或者是suffered a sharp fall)in market share. To get rid of this plight, Haier research (searched for) methods to make improvements. Now Haierrefrigerator is more economical, energy-saving, and beautiful and always meetsthe requirements of consumers.

Finally, it (代词指代的行为解释一下咩，比方说改成 purchasing domestic products with higher prices) may trigger negative disorderin the international trade. Trade barriers will arise if people only buy merchandise(对哦，我把这词给忘了) made by their own country. Accordingto the World Trade Organization, market in a country should obey theNon-discriminatory, fair trade principle, which means that people shouldequally treat foreign merchandises when making their economic decisions. Ifpeople treat foreign products as inferiors, things (things好像很少在文章中单独出现以指代东西) that exported to other countries may also notbe treated unfriendly and unfairly. Consequently, conflicts and disorders will arise within the world market.

To sum up, since people will obtain moreeconomic benefits, domestic enterprises will be motivated and the internationaltrade will be less disordered, it is unnecessary for people to take domesticproducts as their only choice.

总结：
1. LZ的综合已经perfect了，独立 on way to thron吧~~~~~~加油~~~~~~~
2. 句子用的和综合一样，都是短促但是意思很明确的，（sigh……跟我拖拖拉拉的说法一点都不一样），不知道托福的考官爱什么风格，不过如果能在句子结构上偶尔有两句比较长的，比如各种Ving状语，并列短语，独立主格结构，可能一口气看下来会感觉变化更多样一点
3. 有一些词，比如things，或者是重复多次使用的词汇，可以考虑换一换
4.总论点：高价购买国货是不必要的，分论点：1. 购买舶来品能为消费者省钱；2. 能促进国内企业竞争力；3. 仅购买国货会导致国际贸易混乱。论点好清楚（TT.TT一定是我自己的脑回路有问题，扯得太不知所以……），例子也有，语言上如果参见2、3，会更好
回复迟了，见谅哈。
还是那种感觉，综合上仰望楼主，独立上（QAQ风格完全不一样啊。。。）共同努力咯

pennywu20

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-13 23:35
With the development of modern society（后面说的是越来越忙，这句写成In this fiercely competitive era ...

首先谢谢果果同学，第一次尝试让步，看了你的点评之后虽然有点要汗颜的感觉，但感觉都说得挺对的。

反思了以下：
1.再写让步时最好把让步段放三个论点之首，这样看起来会更有说服力
2.写文章的时候要注意一些细节，如first， 时态，人称一致的问题
3.一些用词方面要养成更shining的习惯，比如你说的promising，exert等等
4.每段分论点还是要注意一下点题

非常谢谢~

艾米果果

pennywu20 发表于 2013-5-15 21:15
首先谢谢果果同学，第一次尝试让步，看了你的点评之后虽然有点要汗颜的感觉，但感觉都说得挺对的。

反思 ...

我只是个参考意见哈，不一定对。毕竟写作文的时有限，不一定都能把逻辑思路考虑的那么全面，多练练可定能提高~~~现在要憋一篇作文出来，还是感觉蛮痛苦的。。。不过，加油！！！

pennywu20

anafkn 发表于 2013-5-15 00:34
不好意思回复迟了哈。

修改：14 May independent writing

非常谢谢anafkn同学，谢谢你十分认真的修改，以及分享的感受

做了以下的反思：
1.在较短的时间里，不能很好的使用精准的词汇
2.可以适当使用一些长句，增加文章语言层次感（其实有主意句型的变换，因为追求速度，还有语法知识基本忘完不敢乱写，平时可以注意多用一些）
3.有很多小错误要注意


ps：膜拜真的受不起了，谢谢你了