[写作小分队］Sonia 的作文贴，写作是我的梦魇，请大家多多提携，指教。

soniakong

占个位子，明天来写作文。

现在是美国的4号晚上，不过已是中国的5号了上午了，还是做了4号的题目，望大家海涵。本人除了裸考写了作文，从来都没做过作文练习，所以分数始终是悲催的18。偶然看到这个小分队，感觉终于找到组织。昨天兴奋的加入，今天在图书馆挤牙膏写了四十分钟，终于迈出写作第一步，惨不忍睹，自己真的不愿意多读一遍。如果这是考试，我估计还是18分的料。求狠改猛拍。


各位高手看看如何帮下我这落后分子。看模版也有一些了，为吗到写的时候一个都套不上呢，啥高级词汇都木有。
11／4 独立

题目：Young people should try several different jobs before theydecide which job or career they will do in the long term.

As in this rapidly developingsociety, the jobs are much more separated and various. Most people have to workin professional area with a specific skill. As a result, many people do notfamiliar with the other jobs in the other field. So it is hard for them to makea change of their career though they do not like the current job content. Thatmakes me agree with the statement that young people should try severaldifferent jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the longterm, and I would like to explain it in the following reasons.

First of all, there is enoughtime for young people to try. As a fresh man graduated from university orcollege, he/she is curious to everything he/she meets. They are energetic andhave a good study mind, which help them to adapt to a new job or career easily.What’s more, as a fresh man, he or she can have lots of opportunities to try,even though he or she fails. It does matter because he or she also can learn alot from the experience. As a says going” Failure is the mother of thesuccess”. People always success from many times of fail. However, all of thebad experience needs time to practice, so it is too late for the people whohave already worked in a certain area for a long time, such as a professor orexpert, to do these kinds of experiments.

Second, young people havepotentials they may not know. The study in the 4-year university is alwaysprinciples and they are only the fundamental knowledge from the complexknowledgeable world. A major in school usually limited the young people’scareer selections. Young people may not know they can do much better in theother fields beyond their major in the university. For instance, my husbandgraduated from university with a degree of engineering. He went to an industrycompany as an engineer. However, he finally found out that he did not like tosit all day before the computer at all. What he likes to do is to travel andtalk with people. But he is not young enough and hard to change. After severalyears struggling, he made his decision to quit his job and go back to abusiness school for marketing study. I am always thinking how if he just trythe marketing work after this graduation? If he try several different jobs atthe first beginning, he will find his potential and decide which job issuitable for him, no need to take a round way back to school.

Last but not least,experiencing several jobs make people understand the diversity jobs of society,which also help them to develop their career in the future. When I waspreparing Toefl test in China, my English teacher was once a bookkeeper, aguide in an international office, a translator for a blog website, and even aconsultant for a medical company. He said he worked in these jobs and find outhe like English language and enjoyed to be a teacher. All of these workexperience provides him a broaden knowledge and make him knowledgable. That’sthe reason we enjoyed his class very much because he is able to introduce usall kinds of materials in the reading part of Toefl.

To sum up, I believe that ifyoung people can try several jobs and they will find out which job is the bestand contribute the whole energy into it. It is a way to success.

11.5独立
Do you agree or disagree with thefollowing statement? In the past, it was easier for people to identify whattypes of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future
In the past, people usually say success as the societystatus, money and right. These are three simple elements for a successfulindividual in the old society, dislike there are more factors modern peopleshould considering, such as the free style of work environment and relationshipwith the colleagues which are difficult to identify. Therefore, I agree with thestatement that it was easier for people to identify what kind of jobs or careerlead to a successful future. Let me explain it as the following:


First of all, the society status divides people intodifferent kinds of classes. In China, there are a big difference between thehigh class and low class. The high-class people usually have relationship withgovernment, and they are the leaders of the whole county. People have torespect them and they certainly have privilege here and there. For instance,their cars can go through a traffic jam even though there is no emergency andtheir children can go to the special kindergarten, which the other ordinarychildren cannot go. Despite of all of these unfair things, people have to admitthat these people are successful. Lots of people are eager to working in agovernment with a higher society status.

Another factor for success is money. Undoubtedly money is atopic will never be old-fashioned. In the past, it was also a core factor tojudge an individual of success. I have a cousin who was working abroad in arestaurant in China town. His job is to wash dishes. This is hard and notdecent job but he had no choice because he did not know any English andeducation background. He worked from morning to midnight, from Monday toSunday. No holidays, no rest. After several years hard work, finally he madelots of dollars and went back to his hometown in Fujian, China. With a highexchange rate, approximately 1:8.9 at that time, his dollars made he got 1million RMB immediately and be the richest person in that small village. Allthe people in the village admire him and respect him and say him as a mostsuccessful person in the whole history of the village. Even some of the peoplehoped to send their children to the US to work in a restaurant too.

Last but not least, people cannot leave without right whenthey already have the society status and money. As I mentioned before, as agovernment officer, it is the right make he have the special treat, not onlyfor himself, but also for his children, family and even relatives. Two yearsago, there was a traffic disaster happened in Henan, China. A drunken boy hit afemale student in his car when the student was walking in the campus. It wasclear that this was the boy’s fault and he should take up all of theresponsibility but surprisingly, he did not get any punishment. Why? His fatheris an impressive officer in the local government. This successful father usedhis right to deal with the local police. As a result the police attempted toconceal the fact and hoped to shut up the victim’s family’s mouth only withmoney.

To sum up, we can see that in the past, the society status,money and right composted a successful person. The three factors combined andmixed. Neither can be missed. However, this so-called success sometimes meansunfair. Nowadays, the situation is changing with the whole society’s educationis enhanced. The simple judgments of success will unavoidably be replaced bythe fair, justice and knowledgeable stuff in the near future.

soniakong

11/4 综合

The lecture apparently refutes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the professor, she think the “let it burn” policy is reasonable because the forest fire is a natural process. In the contrast, the reading contends an opposite stand that “lee it burn” policy should be replaced by a policy that extinguishes the forest fire once it appeared.

The first point the professor uses to cast doubt on the reading is that plant system will recover again by itself. For instance, after the tree and vegetation burned out, the small plant has a chance to come out. Also, the short plant can instead of the tall trees. Thus, there will definitely a new land instead of the damaged land. Which differs from the statement in the reading that there will be wasteland after forest fire.

Another evidence the speaker adopts to contradict the passage is there are new types of animals come out. The speaker points out that after the forest fire of yellow Stone Park, the number of the small animals, such as rabbits and heels increased. They take the grass and bush as food, and the food chain maybe stronger than before. However, in the reading part, the author thinks the food chain would be broken down and animals would extinct.

The last evidence the professor states is that the damage makes little effect on the economy. Even though the tourist season will be shorter this year, it will come back the next year and each year after that. In the contrary, the author in the reading passage argues there will be a negative consequence for the local economy.



11/5 综合


The lecture apparently refutes the pointillustrated in the reading material. According to the professor, she thinksgenetic modification is not as good as it claims. On the contrary, the readingcontends an opposite stand that the genetic modification can improve thecharacter of plant, make a economy benefit, and also help and save theendangered native trees.

The first point the professor uses to cast doubt onthe reading is that the genetic modified plant can persist to only one specialsituation. Because of the genetic uniform, the genetic modified plant cannotensure its survival if there is something changes, such as the climate and pestclassification. Which differs from the statement in the reading that geneticplants are more likely to survive than the nature ones.

Another evidence the speaker adopts to contradictthe passage is that planting the genetic modified plants cost more money.Farmers cannot plant the genetic modified seeds for free. They have to payevery single seed for the genetic modification company. However, the readingpassage states that genetically modified trees grow faster and make more fruit,which lead to a bigger economy benefit.

The last evidence the professor points out to doubtthe reading is that genetically trees grow more aggressive and can have todamage to the nature plants. Genetic plants grow among the nature plants andderive the resource from the nature plants, such as the sunshine and water. Thenature plants have no space to grow. In contrast, the author in reading partthinks the genetically modified trees can have a good impact on the wild trees.

In conclusion, the point made in the lecturecontrasts with what is presented in the reading. As the professor claims, thegenetic modified plant is not as good as it claims.

amissrosa

Sonia您好,我是今天負責批改您獨立與綜合寫作的Rosa,
由於今天比較忙,得22:00過後才會批改好您的作文..
造成您的困擾,真的很不好意思

amissrosa

11.5 獨立 改 Do you agree or disagree with thefollowing statement?In the past, it was easier for people to identify whattypes of career or jobwould lead to a secure, successful future
In the past, peopleusually say (said) success as the society status,money and right. These are three simple elements for a successful individual inthe old society, dislike. On the contrary, (dislike好像不能接句子) there are more factors modern thatpeople should considering (modern people have to consider more factors), such as the free style of work environment and relationship with thecolleagues which are difficult to identify. Therefore, I agree with the statementthat it was easier for people to identify what kind of jobs or career lead to asuccessful future. Let me explain it as the following.


First of all, the society status divides people into different kinds ofclasses. In China, there are a big difference between the high class(Upper class) and lower class. The high-class people (Upperclass) usually have relationship with government, and they are the leaders ofthe whole county. People have to respect them, and they certainly have privilege here and there (everywhere). For instance, their cars can go through a traffic jam even thoughthere is no emergency, and their children can go to the special kindergarten, which the otherordinary children cannot go. Despite of all of these unfair things, people haveto admit that these people are successful. Lots of people are eager to workingin a government with a higher society status.
可以理解板主想表达因为阶级差距导致现代人很难相信一份工作会带来成功。版主提出上流社会可行使特权，即便不公平一般民众还是得尊重他们，读完后有些不太理解这些例子为何造成人们无法认同自己的工作？个人猜测是因为板主没有强调”一般民众因无法改变事实而无法认同自己的工作”的例子。个人建议可以提一些像是阶级制度很难改变，导致民众无论找什么工作也无法改变身份之类的。
Another factor for success is money. Undoubtedly, money is a topic will never be old-fashioned. In the past, it was alsoa core factor to judge an individual of success. I have a cousin who wasworking abroad in a restaurant in China town. His (, andhis) job is to wash dishes. This is hard and not decent(indecent) job but he had no choice because he did not know any English and have education background. He worked from morning to midnight, from Monday toSunday. No holidays, no rest. After several years hard work, finally he made lotsof dollars and went back to his hometown in Fujian, China. With a high exchangerate, approximately 1:8.9 at that time, his dollars made he (him) got (exchange) 1million RMB immediately and be the richest person in that smallvillage. All the people in the village admired him, respected him and say (regarded) him as a (the) most successful person in the whole history of the village. Even some ofthe people hoped (wanted) to sendtheir children to the US to work in a restaurant too.
板主此段主旨为钱是成功要素，且古今中外都认为钱很重要，接着举板主亲戚成功赚钱的例子后，产生gap，因为既然以前和现在都一样认为钱是成功的要素，为何以前的人能比较认同他的工作？不知道这样说明板主看不看得懂，个人认为可能添加现代人与以前人的”比较”,就更能说明此段的论点
Last but not least, people cannot leave (survive) without rights when they already have the society status and money. As I mentionedbefore, as a government officer, it is the rights makes he (a government officer) have the specialtreat, not only for himself, but also for his children, family and evenrelatives (for not only himself but also his children, family and evenrelatives). Two years ago, there was a traffic disaster happened in Henan,China. A drunken boy hit a female student in his car when the student waswalking in the campus. It was clear that this was theboy’s fault (the boy made a mistake) and he should takeup all of the responsibility but surprisingly, he did not get any punishment.Why? His father is an impressive officer in the local government. Thissuccessful father used his rights to deal with (bribe) the local police. Asa result, the police attempted to conceal the fact and hoped to shut upthe victim’s family’s mouth only with money (becauseof the bribe).
要记得主题是为何过去人们较能同意一份工作能带来成功? 此段有些离题，可能因为板主举例完后没有解释例子与主题的关系，至少要提及过去的社会不重视权力。
To sum up, we can see that in the past, the society status, money andrights composted(made; compose一个人,有些怪) a successful person. The three factors combined andmixed. Neithercan be missed. However, this so-called success sometimes means unfair in today’s society (呈现过去与现在的对比). Nowadays, the situation is changing(ed) with (because) the wholesociety’s education is enhanced. The simple judgments of success willunavoidably be replaced by the fair, justice and knowledgeable stuff in thenear future.
此次作文题目的重点应该是为何过去的人们较能同意一份工作能带来成功?而不是古今人们对成功定义上的差别喔!
板主有些句子结构上犯了直接中翻英的习惯，导致可以一句话说完的句子分成两句，或是语法上有点像中文句子，我不确定ETS会不会将这点列入评分考虑，所以还是提出让板主知道。我也是刚练习作文的人，如果有改错的地方，还请板主包含指正>”<



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11.5綜合 TPO21


The lecture apparently refutes the point illustrated in thereading material. According to the professor, she thinks genetic modificationis not as good as it (the reading) claims. On the contrary, the reading contends an opposite stand that the geneticmodification can improve the character of plant, make a economy benefit, andalso help and save the endangered native trees.

The first point theprofessor uses to cast doubt on the reading is that the genetic modified plantcan persist to only one special situation. Because of the genetic uniform, thegenetic modified plant cannot ensure its survival if there is somethingchanges, such as the climate and pest classification. Whichdiffers from the statement in the reading is that genetic plants are more likely to survive than the natureones.

Another evidence thespeaker adapts to contradict the passage is that planting the geneticmodified plants cost more money. Farmers cannot plant the genetic modified seedsfor free. They have to pay every single seed for the genetic modificationcompany. However(可用eventhough,段落意思會較流暢), the reading passage states thatgenetically modified trees grow faster and make more fruit, which lead to a bigger economy benefit.

The last evidence theprofessor points out to doubt the reading is that genetically modified trees grow more aggressive and can have to damage to the nature plants. Genetic plants growamong the nature plants and derive the resource from the nature plants, suchas the sunshine and water. The nature plants have no space to grow. Incontrast, the author in reading part thinks (indicates) that the genetically modified trees can have a goodimpact on the wild trees.

In conclusion, thepoint made in the lecture contrasts with what is presented in the reading.As the professor claims, the genetic modified plant is not as good as itclaims.


版主您好，綜合寫作的部分是我的弱點...所以沒有不敢提供綜合寫作架構上的建議，只修改時態跟一些轉折詞的部分，
還請版主見諒>"<

soniakong

Rosa 您好，谢谢你百忙之中帮我改文。修改仔细（单复数，时态，转折词您都注意到了），建议都狠中肯，感激不尽，看来我得大力改进。

关于独立的文章，我仔细看了你的修改，尤其是中文的部分，我真的发现：我曲解题意了！：（
我的理解：在过去，容易知道哪种工作会带来成功（即定义成功的意义）
Rosa 的更正：为何过去的人们较能同意一份工作能带来成功

我打算从新写这篇文章。

我把托福踩脚下

11/4 综合
版主前几天给我的任务我今天才看到，不好意思哈，改晚了
The lecture apparently refutes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the professor, she think the “let it burn” policy is reasonable because the forest fire is a natural process. In the contrast, the reading contends an opposite stand that “lee it burn” policy should be replaced by a policy that extinguishes the forest fire once it appeared.（貌似听力中没提到啊--）
The first point the professor uses to cast doubt on the reading (介词不要， 句子逻辑没对， 自己改一下) is that plant system will recover again by itself. For instance, after the tree and vegetation burned out, the small plant has a chance to come out. Also, the short plant can instead of the tall trees. （我不记原文得有高矮的比较了）Thus, there will definitely a new land instead of the damaged land. （句号要表达什么）Which differs from the statement in the reading that there will be wasteland after forest fire.
Another evidence the speaker adopts to contradict the passage is 加that there are new types of animals come out. The speaker points out that after the forest fire of yellow Stone Park, the number of the small animals, such as rabbits and heels （hares）increased. They take the grass and bush as food, and the food chain maybe stronger than before. However, in the reading part, the author thinks the food chain would be broken down and animals would extinct.(原文没说灭绝)
The last evidence the professor states is that the damage makes little effect on the economy. Even though the tourist season will be shorter this year, it will come back the next year and each year after that. In the contrary, the author in the reading passage argues there will be a negative consequence for the local economy.
最后这段表达得较清晰

amissrosa

Sonia您好,
我有在你的個人專業提醒你記得批改作文...但你好像沒看到,因為不清楚你的狀況....
所以我已經先將此事告訴小分隊的隊長了,隊長就暫時沒有分配你11/7的作文喔!
妳收到訊息後請記得批改我的作文然後和隊長說,隊長應該就會恢復你的資格喔!