Argument 4 ,第一次写作，求修改

此君PY

The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town—Adams Realty and Fitch Realty—Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time . Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000 . Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month . Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."




The homeowner suggests that his friend use Adams Realty(AR) because of the good impression of AR resulting form his own experience making him think homes listed with AR sell faster than listed with Fitch Realty(FR).The homeowner’s statement seems logical,but it is not strong enough to indicate that the ability AR has to sell homes and at a good price is superior to FR’s.


Although the two leading real estate firms locate in a same town,it does not follow that they are neighbors to each other.Location,however,is an essential factor associating with passenger flow and prosperity or desolation nearby.The fact that AR’s revenue last year was twice as high as that of FR may owes much to the location AR has ,where people’s demands for homes are more than that in FR’s.In this case,FR’s home sales is inferior as it has located in a place where demands for homes is lower than AR’s.


Additionally,the homeowner is fail to consider other possible alternatives to the disparity of home sales of two real estate firms.Except the location factor,AR may use better propaganda to attract people’s attention,so people will show more interests and are willing to pay if the home with propaganda fits their expectations.Selling homes quickly is not the whole reason of high revenue.Considering other possibility results in strengthen  the persuasiveness of the homeowner’s statement.


However,there still is a flaw in the letter. homeowner’s listing his home with FR happened ten years ago,while listing home with AR happened in last year.The nine-year period can change many things,including number of people who demand for homes has increased.As a result,FR did a bad performance during that sluggish time.Comparing things with each other during the same period can provide a better reference.


Overall,before any final statements are made,the homeowner should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes for the disparity between two real estate firms.Because a firm’s reputation and business is known to some extent by word of mouth.
第一次作文，写了一个小时，请各位赐教。

竹林中人

Thehomeowner suggests that his friend use Adams Realty(AR) because of the goodimpression of AR resulting form his own experience making him think homeslisted with AR sell faster than listed with Fitch Realty(FR).The homeowner’sstatement seems logical, but it is not strong enough to indicate that theability AR has to sell homes and at a good price is superior to FR’s.


Although the twoleading real estate firms locate in a same town, it does not follow that theyare neighbors to each other. Location, however, is an essential factorassociating with passenger flow and prosperity or desolation nearby. 这前面两句话，最好是放在自己对题目的依据和推理指出问题之后再说，否则显得不知所云The fact that AR’s revenuelast year was twice as high as that of FR may owes much to the location AR has,where people’s demands for homes are more than that in FR’s.In this case,FR’shome sales is inferior as it has located in a place where demands for homes islower than AR’s.


Additionally, thehomeowner is fail to consider other possiblealternatives to the disparity of home sales of two real estate firms. Exceptthe location factor, AR may use better propaganda to attract people’sattention, so people will show more interests and are willing to pay if thehome with propaganda fits their expectations. Selling homes quickly is not thewhole reason of high revenue. Considering other possibility results in strengthenthe persuasiveness of the homeowner’s statement.


However, therestill is a flaw in the letter. Homeowner’s listing his home with FR happenedten years ago, while listing home with AR happened in last year. The nine-yearperiod can change many things, including number of people who demand for homeshas increased. As a result, FR did a bad performance during that sluggish time.Comparing things with each other during the same period can provide a betterreference.


Overall, beforeany final statements are made, the homeowner should evaluate all possiblealternatives and causes for the disparity between two real estate firms. Becausea firm’s reputation and business is known to some extent by word of mouth.
内容偏少，argu重在推理，不急于下结论，也不急于指出其他可能性，关键在于你根据题目的依据，指出其推理存在的问题或者缺少的前提条件或者是证据等等，再指出如果没有这些，会得到什么样的其他的结论（举一个具体的例子或者数字说明）。虽然没有说有固定的模式，但重点要写出来的不能少。另外就是不要把题目后面的那个instruction给忽视了，需要文章中有所呼应。
时间仓促，明天再详细读读

此君PY

谢谢指教，我准备再读几篇范文，作分析，争取在下一篇作文中有进步