kerouac作文贴，8.19考

Kerouac

先开个占座的哈

Kerouac

题目：know about the events happening around the world that do not affect our life.D\A

开头：
As the modern society develops,there is a prominent growing trend that the virtual world of Internet is one of the main pillars of a prosperous society, and gregarious Internet play crucial role in it.Nowadays,the global social Internet play a vital part in person's life.And there is a debate over whether the impact of social Internet on people's lives.Different people hold different opinions because of their distinct backgrounds.Some people arrest that the social Internet do not affect our lives.In contrast,i prefer the view that the social Internet already broad change people's life.My view can be greatly substantiated by following discussions.

Kerouac

中间：
First of all,the social networks is growing up quickly.Under this circumstance,it is obvious that the social networks break an inherent pattern of people's interactive.In the past,if someone want to know other recent,they have to go to the door or take phone.But the social networks changed all this.Today, we just need turn on our computer and click Internet.
Furthermore,Social Networking Services expand human's social net and sciential net.We can  touch a variety of knowledge stay at home.
Despite of all the advantages discussed above,the social network have some shortcoming yet.The widespread social networks is violating our intimacy.Hacker may know our personal information from they utilized some approach.
Take one of cousin,who now is a successful technological company,for an example.A good example can be found in the case that Facebook is a hot technological company,and it have a several million users.In the Facebook,we can find our schoolfellow.At the same time,we will become friend with people of different nationalities.These users share their photo,music and some other things on the Facebook. But in the earlier,it brought about any scandal with revealed customer privacy.

Kerouac

结尾：
To sum up, due to the above mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, we may be comfortable to say that social networking services has affected our lives.

winnie98

批改：用红色标注错误,蓝色标注没错但改了更好，绿色为批注 8.13题目：know about the events happening around the world that do not affect our life.D\A As the modern society develops,there is a prominently growing trend that the virtual world of Internet is one of the main pillars of a prosperous society, and gregarious Internet plays a crucial role in it (it指代不明，因为离it最近的是Internet).Nowadays,the global social Internet plays a vital part in person's life.And there is a debate over whether social Internet impacts on people's lives.Different people hold different opinions because of their distinct backgrounds.Some people arrest that the social Internet do not affect our lives.In contrast,I(大小写) prefer the view that the social Internet has already broad changed (注意时态和单复数) people's life.My view can be greatly substantiated by the(加定冠词) following discussions.(The events happening around the world 不只有社交网络一种途径可以获得,mass media还有好多。只用Internet来理解题目不够准确。)

First of all,the social networks are growing up quickly.Under this circumstance,it is obvious that the social networks break an inherent pattern of people's interaction (interactive只有adj.词性).In the past,when someone wanted to know others recent,they had to go outdoors or give a phone call (陈述事实时，最好不用if条件句。注意时态和正确用词。) .However the social networks changed all these.Today, we just need turn on our computer and surf the Internet.
Furthermore,Social Networking Services expand human's social and sciential net(去掉了一个net，赘余).We can  touch a variety of knowledge stay at home(去掉stay).(此段过短，主体段落最好每段100字左右，大约4-7个句子。无话说时，可通过reason、example、detail等去扩充)


Despite of all the advantages discussed above,the social network still has some shortcomings (可数名词。且此处句意不能用yet，用法有误,).The widespread social networks are violating our intimacy.Hackers may know our personal information from some approaches they utilizes (from是prep.,其后不能跟从句。单复数。).此段仍过短,没有充分解释social network的缺点

Take one of cousin,who now is a successful technological company (cousin和company一个表人，一个表物，不懂),for an example.A good example can be found in the case that Facebook is a hot technological company,and it has several millions of users.In the Facebook,we can find our schoolfellows.Meanwhile,we can make friends with people of different nationalities.In addition (注意句子间逻辑结构,多用conj.),these users share their photos,music and some other things on the(删)Facebook. In contrast, in the early time(没查到有in the earlier的用法),it brought about some scandasl  because of revealing customer privacy.第四段和第三段应该互换位置,主体部分的前2段应先说network的优点，最后再说缺点。且本段最后一句应该与第三段的缺点结合，整理在一段写。穿插写优缺点，逻辑思路相对较乱

To sum up, due to the above mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate a whole(虽然词性不同，但 integrate与whole语意赘余) and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, we may be comfortable (用词不当,不知道你是要表达什么意思，我就没改) to say that social networking services has affected our lives.


1.楼主的这篇文章字数最好能到400字（在BJ新东方上课的时候戴云说的)。
2.注意一下格式，可以用首行缩进或者空行式，二选一，推荐空行式。
3.每个标点符号后面最好空一格，标点这部分我就不改了哈。
4.注意对题目的理解，有点偏题。应该从international events是否给我们的生活带了影响的角度写，而不是从social network给我们带来了影响的角度写，个人认为这两个角度是不能等同的。
5.注意基本的语法时态错误，个别有用词不当的情况。
6.由于字数少，主体部分各段的解释说明不够充分




加油 多写点就好了~

Kerouac

Thus, some people believe that there is no need to（这里可以替换一些高级词needless to,不过要是追求字数，还是你这个好）know about international events which do not give influence on their daily life.


To begin with, knowing world circumstances enable us to follow the rapid steps of the world. It is universally acknowledged （universally acknowledged 是指普遍公认的。。。。还是普遍公认，that对于公认作解释？） that international cooperation has become indispensable part of our lives and (and 前后不一致，has become and has been exerting) it has been exerting profound influence on the way we work (这句话读起来有点拗口，on the way we work). Therefore, if we ignore the world occurrence, lack of correct judgment regarding multinational cooperation will ensue(ensue是动词，放到最后不太恰当，后面无所指了）. Take an international company for example, when they invest in an abroad project, knowing the local events, such as politics, local consumption habits(消费习惯，两个都是名词） and security, cannot only help them decide how to make the project for adapting to the local economic environment, but also for making maximum profit. Thus, knowing international events really give us positive influence that we can enlarge our business and reduce risks in oversea markets.


Furthermore, it is apparent that there are a growing number of people to go abroad for further education. Before they go oversea, they should know something concerning the events of the foreign countries to adapt the local lifestyle and different culture. A recent study conducted by the Chinese Ministry of Education reveals that before Chinese students go abroad, a increasing number of them prefer to go to the target countries for travel in advance, rather than for further education directly. This atmosphere witnesses that current students tend to be rational, which means they would like to kwon（这是什么意思）whether they are really fond of the foreign countries and can adapt to the different lifestyle. Consequently, such positive situation attributes to the effective utilization of international information and events.


In addition, knowing international information can enrich our edge and offer a large proportion of opportunities（提供很多机会，proportion我觉得可以去掉） for us to accumulate new experience. To illustrate, when I was a junior student in university, I found an oversea internship of summer vacation by Internet. With the vacation beginning, I did this internship in a Japanese enterprise located in Tokyo. Although the period of internship is short, I still learnt a plenty of things which I could not understand（这个好像只有动词解释吧？动词+on campus ,是说这个动词是接前面的things?我语法不太好哈） on campus and also expanded my outlook. Thus, it is undeniable that I accept the influence by knowing worldwide information（这个knowing在这里是什么意思？难以预料的？）.

Kerouac

Thus, some people believe that there is no need to（这里可以替换一些高级词needless to,不过要是追求字数，还是你这个好）know about international events which do not give influence on their daily life.


To begin with, knowing world circumstances enable us to follow the rapid steps of the world. It is universally acknowledged （universally acknowledged 是指普遍公认的。。。。还是普遍公认，that对于公认作解释？） that international cooperation has become indispensable part of our lives and (and 前后不一致，has become and has been exerting) it has been exerting profound influence on the way we work (这句话读起来有点拗口，on the way we work). Therefore, if we ignore the world occurrence, lack of correct judgment regarding multinational cooperation will ensue(ensue是动词，放到最后不太恰当，后面无所指了）. Take an international company for example, when they invest in an abroad project, knowing the local events, such as politics, local consumption habits(消费习惯，两个都是名词） and security, cannot only help them decide how to make the project for adapting to the local economic environment, but also for making maximum profit. Thus, knowing international events really give us positive influence that we can enlarge our business and reduce risks in oversea markets.


Furthermore, it is apparent that there are a growing number of people to go abroad for further education. Before they go oversea, they should know something concerning the events of the foreign countries to adapt the local lifestyle and different culture. A recent study conducted by the Chinese Ministry of Education reveals that before Chinese students go abroad, a increasing number of them prefer to go to the target countries for travel in advance, rather than for further education directly. This atmosphere witnesses that current students tend to be rational, which means they would like to kwon（这是什么意思）whether they are really fond of the foreign countries and can adapt to the different lifestyle. Consequently, such positive situation attributes to the effective utilization of international information and events.


In addition, knowing international information can enrich our edge and offer a large proportion of opportunities（提供很多机会，proportion我觉得可以去掉） for us to accumulate new experience. To illustrate, when I was a junior student in university, I found an oversea internship of summer vacation by Internet. With the vacation beginning, I did this internship in a Japanese enterprise located in Tokyo. Although the period of internship is short, I still learnt a plenty of things which I could not understand（这个好像只有动词解释吧？动词+on campus ,是说这个动词是接前面的things?我语法不太好哈） on campus and also expanded my outlook. Thus, it is undeniable that I accept the influence by knowing worldwide information（这个knowing在这里是什么意思？难以预料的？）.

Kerouac

winnie,我发错地方了！