择日不如撞日 来来来写作文！

浅吟天

谢谢上善mm的认真批改！！
我的语言功底就是有问题，在努力遮掩中被发现了。。下面再问你些具体问题，有点小傻，莫见怪~这个颜色的

Some people may argue that what is happening far away hasno effect on our life that (and?) we still eat, work and sleep in our original (regular? ordinary?)rhythm.However, have you ever heard about the butterfly effect that butterfliesflutter their wings in the Amazon may launch an upheaval. And it is the same as to the eventshappening around the rest of the world,(.) in myperspective, the events do affect our emotion, behavior and thought.（这句是不是把中间的逗号改成句号就可以变成两个句子了？我不确定 it is the same as A .有没有表达清楚它与蝴蝶效应相似？）（这句话你是准备写成一句话还是两句话呢？写复杂句式的时候一定注意是否加了合适的连接词，避免出现一句话里两个主谓宾的现象）

To begin with, the events somewhat control ourfeelings. For example, when you watch the Olympic Games in the television, youwill also be nervous about the fierce matches. When you see your national teamdoing well, you will also be excited and happy about their achievements.Moreover, it may also stimulate the honorable national pride emotion. Actuallyall these feelings will not happen if you haven't know the events. Anotherexample is the big earthquake happened in Wenchuan China. Have you ever feltdepressive and sad about the lost of lives? I think mostly(most) of theChinese people（去掉people） were immersing in the low feeling these days.Although the earthquake doesn't hit around, but it also (still)entirely affect their (our)（这是一个一直困扰的问题，前面我都用的You怎么怎么地的，这里我不知道什么情况把我包含在里面用our,什么时候用their。忽略和后面那个匹配的问题）daily life because we were all touched by themisfortune of ourfellowmen.（earthquake这个例子需要全部改成过去式）

What's more, the events happening around the worldmake much sense about the behavior and decisions we made, especially in thecopper world (copper world?没看懂) . Howcan a company success in other countries without knowing the events in here （这句话看着很怪（ How can a company succeed in other countries without  knowing about their thoughts? 这样呢，还是有点怪？）how can a company be successful without knowing theevents happening in the target markets/countries. For example, Americanpeople(Americans，去掉people) are more and more aware of protecting theenvironment, and thus they'd like to buy environmental friendly products. If aforeign company want to have a market share in USA, it must concern about thissubtle change of customers' perception. Instead ofmakinglow-price product to attract potential customers, advertising a product withecoqualification is a much more effective way to seize (grasp更加贴切) themarket successfully. From the example, we can see how big influential theevents happening in the rest of the world can be.（这段怎么感觉是某TPO综合写作啊）（哈哈，就是的，才写过可以用就直接搬了）

More importantly, some events even changes thethought and world value of somebody. Still taking the Wenchuan earthquake for example(这里就不要总for example了，直接单刀直入)（Still taking the Wenchuan earthquake 就可以了？），I knowsome high school students living outside to earthquake-affecting areas changetheir majors to seismology in the university. Maybe some of them want to bebusinessmen or politicians at the first sight, but an earthquake make themclear that predicting earthquake accurately to save more people's lives isexactly what they want. Thus, I can safely say their trace of life haveobviously been changed by this events.（这个例子你改写一下，就说my friendschanged major balabala的，他本来是什么major，梦想是business，但后来看了地震以后是怎样的。这样可以使得这个例子更加具体真实specific。你写起来也会比较容易）

From the reasons listed about （above）, we can see the events happening around theworld definitely affect our life whether the change is conscious or unconsciou. We, human beings,interact with others. Therefore, we are inevitably affected by the eventsothers made.
根据OG评分标准
Address the writing topic effectively (有效地阐明主题)
Well organized and well-developed (条理清楚，发展充分)
Use specific details and examples to support your view (论据具体明确)
这三点都做到了
Word choices and sentence variety (遣词造句能力)
词汇量比较丰富。但是对复杂句式的把握能力不好，读起来非常拗口。建议多加斟酌。

-- by 会员 上善若水1018 (2012/8/14 10:26:12)

浅吟天

8.13 综合  tpo11

the lecturer rejects the reasons and effects about the decline of  reading literature in the passage. She claims that reading less literature doesn't have as much negative effects as the materials said.

The lecturer does not agree with the first effect that we lose intellectual stimulation because we reading less literature. She contends that there are many kinds of books other than literature have high qualities, such as science books and historical books. these books are as creative as novels. Thus, the lecturer claims that do not assume only literature can encourage us to exercise our imaginations and expand our understanding of language.

What's more, the lecturer argues back that what instead of literature are also of great value. How can you say that a brilliant music and a good movie are meaningless? Because cultures are changing nowadays, other expressions emerge. Maybe their more direct forms are a better expression of the culture. On the contrary, the reading material holds a negative opinion about all other forms of entertainment.

In addition, the lecturer points out that it is the authors themselves should be blame for rather than readers, because they deliberately make literatures difficult to understand nowadays. Even if the people who was fond of literature will not have the interest to read them either. On the other hand, the reading material states that it is the poor standards of reader make the publishers to invest less in literature and support fewer serious writers.

上善若水1018

我帮你改写了几个句子，仅供参考。我自己对句式的把握也很一般，而且词汇极度匮乏。 平时工作中用到的都是公式化的英语，所以写出来的东西大都挑不出大毛病但是让人读了索然无味。于是独立作文就可恶的杯具了。
改写部分加粗高亮
Some people may argue thatwhat is happening far away has no effect on our life that (and?) we still eat, work and sleep in our original (regular? ordinary?) rhythm. However, have you ever heard about thebutterfly effect that butterflies flutter their wings in the Amazon may launchan upheaval. And it is the same as to the events happeningaround the rest of the world,(.) in myperspective, the events do affect our emotion, behaviorand thought.（这句是不是把中间的逗号改成句号就可以变成两个句子了？我不确定 it is the same as A .有没有表达清楚它与蝴蝶效应相似？）（这句话你是准备写成一句话还是两句话呢？写复杂句式的时候一定注意是否加了合适的连接词，避免出现一句话里两个主谓宾的现象）However, if you have heard thebutterfly effect, that butterflies flutter their wings in the Amazon may launchan upheaval, you will have the feeling that the events happening around therest of the world have similar impacts on us. In my perspective, the events do affect our emotion, behaviorand thought profoundly.

To begin with, the events somewhat control ourfeelings. For example, when you watch the Olympic Games in the television, you willalso be nervous about the fierce matches. When you see your national team doingwell, you will also be excited and happy about their achievements. Moreover, itmay also stimulate the honorable national pride emotion. Actually all thesefeelings will not happen if you haven't know the events. Another example is thebig earthquake happened in Wenchuan China. Have you ever felt depressive andsad about the lost of lives? I think mostly(most) of the Chinese people（去掉people） were immersing in the low feeling these days. Althoughthe earthquake doesn't hit around, but it also (still) entirelyaffect their (our)（这是一个一直困扰的问题，前面我都用的You怎么怎么地的，这里我不知道什么情况把我包含在里面用our,什么时候用their。忽略和后面那个匹配的问题）我觉着就是尽量保持一致性就可以。这也是为什么我建议你第三个例子全部改成one of myfriends 之类的。当你知道自己具体指的是什么人的时候，自然就知道用our还是their了。过于宽泛的指代本来就容易犯错。daily life because we were all touched by the misfortuneof our fellowmen.（earthquake这个例子需要全部改成过去式）

What's more, the events happening around theworld make much sense about the behavior and decisions we made, especially inthe copper world (copper world?没看懂) . How can a company success in other countrieswithout knowing the events in here （这句话看着很怪（ How can a company succeed in other countrieswithout  knowing about their thoughts? 这样呢，还是有点怪？）我帮你改写了下，之前可能忘记标注出来了，你看看是不是可以How can a company be successful without knowing theevents in the target markets/countries. /How can a company succeed in global competitionwithout knowing the world events. Forexample, American people(Americans，去掉people)are more andmore aware of protecting the environment, and thus they'd like to buyenvironmental friendly products. If a foreign company want to have a marketshare in USA, it must concern about this subtle change of customers'perception. Instead of makinglow-price product to attract potential customers, advertising a product with ecoqualificationis a much more effective way to seize (grasp更加贴切) the market successfully. From the example, wecan see how big influential the events happening in the rest of the world canbe.（这段怎么感觉是某TPO综合写作啊）（哈哈，就是的，才写过可以用就直接搬了）

More importantly, some events even changes thethought and world value of somebody. Still taking the Wenchuan earthquake forexample(这里就不要总forexample了，直接单刀直入)（Stilltaking the Wenchuan earthquake 就可以了？）我的意思是直接讲故事。More importantly…..ofsomebody.  My nephew grew up in a city2000km away from Wenchuan and his dream was to be an entrepreneur. However, afterthe earthquake, he switched his major to seismology, because he balabala继续展开 . 如果不加这个for example心里就不踏实的话，加了也无妨。这样改写的好处你可以看出来就是不需要纠结到底是用you,they还是we。给人的感觉还很具体真实。另外不要用businessman了，这个词太老土。用entrepreneur ，I know somehigh school students living outside to earthquake-affecting areas change theirmajors to seismology in the university. Maybe some of them want to be businessmenor politicians at the first sight, but an earthquake make them clear thatpredicting earthquake accurately to save more people's lives is exactly whatthey want. Thus, I can safely say their trace of life have obviously beenchanged by this events.（这个例子你改写一下，就说my friends changed majorbalabala的，他本来是什么major，梦想是business，但后来看了地震以后是怎样的。这样可以使得这个例子更加具体真实specific。你写起来也会比较容易）

From the reasons listed about （above）, we can see the events happening around the worlddefinitely affect our life whether the change is conscious or unconsciou. We, human beings, interact with others.Therefore, we are inevitably affected by the events others made.

陈喵喵holdon

the lecturer rejects the reasons and effects about the decline of  reading literature in the passage. She claims that reading less literature doesn't have as much(many?) negative effects as the materials said.(综合里听力部分和阅读部分的描述时态是不是一致更好?)

The lecturer does not agree with the first effect that we lose intellectual stimulation because we reading(read) less literature. She contends that there are many kinds of books other than literature have(having, there be doing句型?) high qualities, such as science books and historical books. these books are as creative as novels. Thus, the lecturer claims that do not assume only literature can encourage us to exercise our imaginations and expand our understanding of language.(claim后面加that引导的从句,这里加do not开始的一个完整的句子好奇怪的感觉)

What's more(我之前的tutor说what's more是一个有点口语的表达,Moreover貌似更书面一些), the lecturer argues back that what instead of literature are also of great value. How can you say that a brilliant music and a good movie are meaningless? Because cultures are changing nowadays, other expressions emerge. Maybe their more direct forms are a better expression(better expressions,前面是forms)of the culture. On the contrary, the reading material holds(这里时态和第一段写reading的时态不一样诶) a negative opinion about all other forms of entertainment.

In addition, the lecturer points out that it is the authors themselves should be blame(blalmed) for rather than readers, because they deliberately make literatures difficult to understand nowadays. Even if the people who was fond of literature will not have the interest to read them either. On the other hand, the reading material states that it is the poor standards(单复数有点乱) of reader make the publishers to invest less in literature and support fewer serious writers.



觉得浅你的动词用的挺多样的基本不重复，还有基本点都总结到了，也能感觉到在尽量多用各种句式，这点值得学习。
但觉得小错误有点多，时间充裕的话应该回头查下小错误什么的吧?
感觉你听力的点总结的不错啊..第一次改不知道这样行不行哈~

bob9603

真是几天不见，长进不少啊，都写了这么多了，真厉害~~~加油~~

浅吟天

To 上善MM:
感动的掩面奔走啊。。。
嗯，没有什么要讨论的了，那个人称和实例的问题我谨记！
最近写作的气势越来越弱，我发现仅写只有练已有的熟悉程度，还是不够的，于是准备停一下开始看作文书了，若MM还有时间也去瞅瞅好的短语高级词汇这类的吧~

浅吟天

To 喵喵：
怎么不行，改得很好！
居然发现这篇有这么多语法错误，真是见笑了。
请问一般你会写完剩多久检查呢

浅吟天

怂恿你也去开个贴。。

真是几天不见，长进不少啊，都写了这么多了，真厉害~~~加油~~

-- by 会员 bob9603 (2012/8/15 9:55:40)

bob9603

怂恿你也去开个贴。。

真是几天不见，长进不少啊，都写了这么多了，真厉害~~~加油~~

-- by 会员 bob9603 (2012/8/15 9:55:40)

-- by 会员 浅吟天 (2012/8/15 10:10:23)

貌似你在toefl里很顺手啊~~~~

陈喵喵holdon

To 喵喵：
怎么不行，改得很好！
居然发现这篇有这么多语法错误，真是见笑了。
请问一般你会写完剩多久检查呢

-- by 会员 浅吟天 (2012/8/15 10:09:46)

我写文和打字速度都蛮快的 检查了一遍下来往往还有五分钟+
我的弱点是听力 所以综合就很悲剧听不到点上
不过从你这里感受到了要多用动词和句式!! 要开始积累总结啦~~
谢谢浅哦 加油~!