GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion. In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard for them let children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake permanently. However, what they failed to recognize is that letting children to learn by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything.

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone, they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder the most efficient way to prevent the happen of mistakes permanently, who still doubt the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.

不错，嘿嘿

Crystaljoy

鸟麻半夜睡不着来瞅瞅大家改的作文，GW果真写的不错嘛~ ！语言完美了，内容充实。
但是仔细拜读还是发现一些小问题的，指出来一起讨论。

也希望以后改作文的童鞋把优秀的句子亮出来，一起欣赏学习。
我相信“态度决定一切”，放之四海皆准。


Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion.（主语是否过长？可以用形式主语it’s ….whether…） In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard forthem let（可删） children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.（as I do放这有歧义）

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices（give advice 不可数） or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake （一般都是prevent from doing吧，建议 avoid committing errors/ prevent the recurrence）permanently. However, what they failed (时态？fail) to recognize is that letting children to learn （+from past mistakes）by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the(no) exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form(时态cultivated) a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything. (语义是？double check my school bag before going to bed every night.)

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone,(插入语用得好！)they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear（fearful并列） to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have（/exert） unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find (/strike) a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above(这个到底是take …into account 还是take into account… 有待我查证讨论), I am fully convincing（人convinced） that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder（wonders） the most efficient way to prevent the happen（recurrence） of mistakes permanently, who still doubt(doubts) the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do (does)not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.（haha! Obama！用在第一段多好！）

追梦CY

围观 写的很棒！赞~~
之前看到GWinner给别人改得很好 果然是水平很高！学习了~~谢谢

感觉整体都很好 有些小的细节表达方面还可以更完善~不如审视一下自己的文章，给自己的大作也纠错分析，有时候他人的看法是比较局限的，自己总结提升，内化功力，进步也会很大！加油

GWinner

哇哈哈版主大人大驾光临~~诚惶诚恐 感激涕零 无比激动阿阿阿~~~~~@ @
作文比起CD众多的NN们是差得远了哈 太多细节用词的不到位了 感谢斑竹大人这么认真的帮我改 受益良多@ @
下面自己写了点给自己mark一下^^

鸟麻半夜睡不着来瞅瞅大家改的作文，GW果真写的不错嘛~ ！语言完美了，内容充实。
但是仔细拜读还是发现一些小问题的，指出来一起讨论。

也希望以后改作文的童鞋把优秀的句子亮出来，一起欣赏学习。
我相信“态度决定一切”，放之四海皆准。


Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion.（主语是否过长？可以用形式主语it’s ….whether…） In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard forthem let（可删） children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.（as I do放这有歧义）[是呢0.0写的时候没注意居然连着两个do了..]

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices（give advice 不可数） or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake （一般都是prevent from doing吧，建议 avoid committing errors/ prevent the recurrence）permanently. However, what they failed (时态？fail) to recognize is that letting children to learn （+from past mistakes）by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the(no) exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form(时态cultivated) a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything. (语义是？double check my school bag before going to bed every night.) [嗯嗯 应该改成这样才对~原来那样思维太跳跃逻辑GAP了]

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone,(插入语用得好！)they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear（fearful并列） to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have（/exert） unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find (/strike) a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above(这个到底是take …into account 还是take into account… 有待我查证讨论)[貌似比较常见的都是take...into account哈 这里觉得all the factors...太长 就给放后面了...不知道行不行> <...], I am fully convincing（人convinced） that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder（wonders） the most efficient way to prevent the happen（recurrence） of mistakes permanently, who still doubt(doubts) the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do (does)not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.（haha! Obama！用在第一段多好！）

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/8/17 1:08:21)

总结一下其中斑竹大人指出的错误+可以优化的用词:

1. he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do这里出现歧义...直接改成原来用的he or she might recognize the accuracy of the title statement as I do得了...

2. give advice中advice不可数, 所以give advice to

3. prevent the happening of the mistake 应该是prevent from, 优化: prevent the recurrence permanently (recurrence这词儿牛!)

4. children are not the exception --> children are no exception

5. have unrecoverable effect on --> exert unrecoverable effect on

6. find a balance between --> strike a balance between

7. I am fully convincing --> I am fully convinced

总归而言自己的词汇量还是太小 以至于有些地方其实一个词就可以说清楚的事情 被我洛里啰嗦说半天..比如recurrence~还有一些煞风景的小错误

再次感谢斑竹大人的批改~~~~

CDers们加油！！！

GWinner

围观 写的很棒！赞~~
之前看到GWinner给别人改得很好 果然是水平很高！学习了~~谢谢

感觉整体都很好 有些小的细节表达方面还可以更完善~不如审视一下自己的文章，给自己的大作也纠错分析，有时候他人的看法是比较局限的，自己总结提升，内化功力，进步也会很大！加油

-- by 会员 追梦CY (2012/8/17 1:10:09)

这位童鞋我对你的头像印象很深的哈~~一看就认出你啦^^
我哪里有水平很高嘛 CD牛人云集 大家互相学习共同进步啦^^

谢谢你的建议~有时候自己写完就犯懒 很少自查 多谢提醒我! 以后也要花时间总结自己的文章~

追梦CY

@鸟儿斑斑  看完鸟儿斑斑的修改真的好佩服！
很多地方我觉得改得太好了，和我自己第一遍欣赏这篇文章时的修改相比更加精炼，不愧是斑竹啊
好像看互改的很少能看到这么认真 使文章更无懈可击了 受益良多啊

@GWinner 我也好喜欢我的头像哈哈
总结的也好棒~~ 以后会经常来欣赏佳作的哈！
态度决定一切 说的好啊！！！！

Crystaljoy

乃们不要flatter我！
乃们都比当年的我有才多了！
刚看完margrate的，我又是一脸崇拜！
28+，妥妥的！我等乃们回来给小分队红人馆添砖加瓦！

hjl80959

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结或模板红色为错误

Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.

Whether families in the contemporary society can help to enlarge the potential for youngsters to become successful than it can do （删除）in the past is relatively a subject of discussion. As parents is spending a greater time and energy on the growth of their children, cosseting and spoiling also happened（时态） at the same time, which makes it hard for people to decide whether this change benefits or harms children more. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the essential help families have provided as I do.

To begin with, as the well-being and live standard has risen up in a considerably high velocity, with the increased average income, more money（more source单纯的money怎么体现前面的作用） is available for parents to allocate on the growing（growth） of their children. That is, children in present society are enjoying an unprecedented high-quality life judging from all the aspects such as education, physical health（fitness） and spiritual welfare. For instance, compared with the past generations in which children were even forced to share the family’s financial burden and worried about bread problem from an early age, modern teenagers can approach to （possess ，approach接近方法没有获得的意思）special-designed dinners, their personal laptops, and even chances to go abroad and have a further study. Hence, the material progress achieved by adults helps children to build a stronger body, to acquire a more advanced education, and thereby construct a better foundation for children’s future success.
全是长句子啊，读的让人喘不过气。。
Another widely realized fact is that parents are paying more attention to their children than before. To speak more exaggeratedly, the center of a family has shifted from making more money to（focusing on）children’s cultivation during the past several tens of years. The most persuasive evidence is from the education aspect. People in the last generation were satisfied with a degree of middle school. But now it is hardly to find a person who never entered university. The duration for children’s education not only extended, but also became earlier（持续时间变早了？有点怪）. Even expectant mothers are busy with antenatal training（这个有点高级地说）in case their baby losses at the starting line. Not to mention the shocking large number of after-school activities that parents have arranged for their children.（我觉得这两句可以并起来说 No to mention the after-school activities, even expectant mother has prepared antenatal training for the cute nursery.） All the attention and stresses coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.
句子那个长啊。

Another equivalently significant part is that parents pay more attention to children than before. Specifically, the focus of a family has shifted from earning money to cultivating their children in the past decades. What the public understand profoundly is the collective (general) education. Compared to the generally (widely) accepted degree of middle school in the last generation, nowadays, a degree of college has been a basic revelation for an individual ability. Moreover, even expectant mother has prepared antenatal training for the coming nursery, not to mention burden after-school activities arranged to students. All these elements and conditions coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.
Granted, family’s help is not the guarantee of children’s success. A bright future is based not on others’ urging but on one’s inner willing to make effort. For a lazy person who does not have the desire to advance, he would not success even if his parents can buy him an offer of Harvard. However, compared with the past, what parents are doing today undoubtedly provides a larger opportunity for children to be access to success.（what parents provide bestows their children more opportunity to get access to success）

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that, although it is not decisive, parents have done greatly more than the past and built a stronger foundation for children’s road to success. If anyone who still wonders the relationship between the increasing living condition with potential to success, who still doubts the attention paid by parents to children, and who still do not understand what has been brought by the great effort made by families, this passage is my answer.

我觉得理由写的都不错，不过总觉得句子貌似都太长了，读起来怪怪的，不知道是什么毛病，我挑一段按照我的写法来写你的句子吧，看看有什么不同？

昨天找你的文章没找到，我以为在最后一页，没想到在中间。

GWinner

哈哈我也@一个^^话说CD应该拓展一个@功能哈....

@斑竹大人
能进一回红人馆 那这辈子也值了T T

@追梦
别佳作啦 赶紧着多来给我挑刺儿吧!!!~

GWinner

@hjl

对对我一直纠结这个句子长不通顺的问题...一直不知道该怎么来改善

太感谢了 你还帮我写了一段~~感动@ @

看了你写的那段感觉比我那个通顺多了 也让人更愿意读下去...我着重看了看句子的长度 发现其实我那里面也有短句, 但是可能是组织在一起就显得很乱很繁杂 没有你写的那段逻辑和叙述都来得清爽....而且有些词汇也有的很罗嗦 比如当时写的时候就没想到可以用last decades 而用的是in the past several ten years 这样就把句子变得又臭又长了...

关于这个问题hjl你有木有什么可以解决的建议呢?  求指导阿~~~~