GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!

GWinner

8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling the truth about his escape from that jail.

lxc1989614

Whether a person could be judged from evaluating his or her friends is relatively a subject to discuss. The extent to which a person can balance between being influenced by the surrounding and remaining his own personalities unchanged makes it difficult to decide the effect brought by friends. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.第一段要写清楚观点哦~尽量不要引用

At the very beginning, strong and long-term friendship will result in common value and similar interest. This point can be perfectly illustrated by my own experience. Before I entered the university, I knew little about the rock music. However, one of my roommates Swally was crazy about rock & roll这两句可以并起来啊，把however换成while，表明对照关系. After being friends with Swally for three years, I began to listen to songs in this category and gradually found the fascination inside them. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally! Communicating and sharing information every time can reshape different individuals, narrow the gap between them, and finally build them similar with each other. In this way, when judging a person, you can always find the shadow of his friends.

The very early step for friends to become alike is not happened after the building of the friendship. Instead, when looking for the potential friends, people tend to find those who are similar with themselves. An interesting experiment can be used to support this point. In this research, in order to study the friend-making behavior, a class of children in a kindergarten was observed by a group of scientists. Scientists found that those children who are extroversions这个用的好，表示内向外向 tend to gather together, making noises and playing sports. While those introvert children built another group and painted pictures together. It is even more surprising that children in different group seldom communicate with each other. Therefore, people with similar personalities are more likely to become friends.

Granted, the existence of people who are seldom influenced by surrounding is undeniable.这个句子这样写不是很好，你是不是想表达这个？It is undeniable that there exsits some people who are seldom influenced by surrounding?However, as only countable students who graduated from bottom schools can be admitted by TOP universities, this case is not suitable for the general situation.这个句子我也觉得不是很好这样写，指代也不明确，this case是指前一句里面的例子，这个要么放在第二句开头，要么就在写一下例子，不然别人以为你说的是很少人被录取。所以我觉得应该这样写：However, this kind of person is just an exception用exception表明不适用于全部情况比较简洁, since only countable students from bottom schools can be enrolled然后录取用这个词比较好 by universities. For the majority of people, therefore,这个词是因此的意思，放在这里不合适吧 their personal quality and value can be reflected in his choosing and enhancing of friendship.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that friends should be treated as one of the most essential elements when evaluating a person. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonder the changes a friend can bring to a person, who still doubts the decisive role played by friendship, and who still does not understand how friendship can shape a person, this passage is my answer.看到这句话，我就知道你看过一篇经验分享，这也是我曾经在作文模版中用过的句子，不过后来就不用了，主要是因为这个句子比较难把握，很容易写错，然后结尾又怕时间不够，写这样的句子太罗嗦
在我看来，这个句子还是对上述三个分论点的总结，你好像没有完全对应，其实可以用更简洁的方式表达的，比如排比句什么的，个人意见哈~


总结：
MM，你的作文基本没有什么错误，属于四平八稳的那种，我提几点建议：
1、文章中一个比较大的问题是，观点不够明确，比如开头，要讲清楚你的观点，要用自己的话写出来，不要仅仅说我同意title的说法。文章每个分论点首句都要先阐述一下自己的观点，用比较清楚地话写出来。
2、这个就是比较高的要求，遣词造句。
我发现你文章当中用的很多句子还是属于比较简单的，有的句子其实可以并起来用一种更漂亮的句型表达出来的，这样会加分不少。还可以加点定语啊，插入语之类的。然后多用点逻辑连词啊，形容词什么的。使文章的句子呈现出多样化，阅读的人不会产生疲劳，会很喜欢的。

以上
希望我的修改对你有帮助！

浅吟天

平时窜梭于其他CDer的作文，总能看到lz漂亮认真的修改。我一看到昨天的分组就激动了一下，哈哈
黄色 好的+模版 绿色 批注 红色 我改的
8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted（前面用过了，换一个把，conflict什么的） by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him（写出来，不然有点混。另，我知道lz想变化形式，但这句没必要写的这么复杂，and前后主语一致就好了，简明扼要） respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, （咦，我又去看了看听力文本，“he had wealth. But it was a kind of property you have to sell first to get money”,不是说必需把gambling的钱卖掉才有。是卖非流动资产这种感觉）he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor（没啥问题，只是觉得太长，隔断了读起没连贯的感觉，建议就按顺序写清变好。我承认我苛刻了。。。）. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases（单数） of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling（个人觉得没必要用进行时） the truth about his escape from that jail.

-- by 会员 GWinner (2012/8/10 18:24:33)

lz写的很好阿！认真看了没找到什么错误。细节抓的很细，要我只听一道肯定做不到。请问笔记如何写的快？

GWinner

平时窜梭于其他CDer的作文，总能看到lz漂亮认真的修改。我一看到昨天的分组就激动了一下，哈哈
黄色 好的+模版 绿色 批注 红色 我改的
8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted（前面用过了，换一个把，conflict什么的） by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him（写出来，不然有点混。另，我知道lz想变化形式，但这句没必要写的这么复杂，and前后主语一致就好了，简明扼要） respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, （咦，我又去看了看听力文本，“he had wealth. But it was a kind of property you have to sell first to get money”,不是说必需把gambling的钱卖掉才有。是卖非流动资产这种感觉）he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor（没啥问题，只是觉得太长，隔断了读起没连贯的感觉，建议就按顺序写清变好。我承认我苛刻了。。。）. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases（单数） of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling（个人觉得没必要用进行时） the truth about his escape from that jail.

-- by 会员 GWinner (2012/8/10 18:24:33)

lz写的很好阿！认真看了没找到什么错误。细节抓的很细，要我只听一道肯定做不到。请问笔记如何写的快？

-- by 会员 浅吟天 (2012/8/11 17:22:33)

漂亮的修改@@童鞋你太过奖啦> <~~哈哈第一次在CD被人表扬我也小激动一下^^~~你的批改也很认真呀!!咱得互相学习~~~

我也觉得是卖非流动资产的赶脚! 估计咱俩对非流动资产的理解不大一样....我再去看看文本好了~一看就是学商科的孩纸 握爪!

我的听力实在是很差...Listening那块分就不高.....如上作文是我罪恶的听了两遍之后的结果T T感觉有些词就算听多少遍自己也拼不出来 因为根本不认识...比如说那个bribe> <.....到时候只好押宝寂静了...

浅吟天

我觉得jj只能辅助，当饭吃不得。
那个3分钟，我是先读完每个理由的第一句（这样不会丢点）再把细节读了。我自己也没做好，还在争取高效看完它（我觉得真的是看得完的），所以 一起加油！

GWinner

8.12 综合

这题太阴险了 otter和orca这两个词放到听力里面根本不好分辨! 以至于第二段听得云里雾里的.....这样就很好的印证了浅浅说的 要把前面的reading细节都看到才行 否则听力里谁会想到是orca!!!

另外还有一个问题麻烦来批改的同学指教~不知道同学你在做综合的时候是怎样一个具体步骤呢? 在第一次看reading的时候笔记应该关注哪些点? 烦指点哈!万分感谢!!!

The lecturer and the author give contradictory opinions on the real reason for the decline of the population of otters. As two possible explanations are provided—the environmental pollution and the attacks by predators, the former one is supported in the reading passage by three factors. The professor, however, rejects each factor respectively, arguing that the latter explanation holds more weight.

The professor first doubts the possibility of pollution by stating that if otters are died of pollution, their dead body would be washed on the shore. Therefore, as none can find any dead otters, this explanation can be weakened. What’s more, it is also hard to find any otter that consists in predator hypothesis, which also strengthen the professor’s doubt.

The professor proposes another appropriate explanation of other mammals’ death, which challenges the one supported by the author. Compared with pollution, human hunting is a more essential factor related with those mammals’ death. As human have hunted most of what whales usually feed on, only small mammals were left for whale. That can best explain why all the smaller mammals such as seals, sea lions, and otters declined at the same time.

The third reason provided by the author does not please the lecturer either. A fact mentioned by the lecturer demonstrates that the number of otter decreased most in those places where are most accessible to otters. His evidence is that for those shallow and rocky areas where are hard for otters with large bodies to reach, the population of otter did not shrink.

sarahpx

The lecturer and the author give contradictory opinions on the real reason for the decline of the population of otters.(一句搞定，棒！) As two possible explanations are provided—the environmental pollution and the attacks by predators, the former one is supported in the reading passage by three factors. The professor, however, rejects each factor respectively, arguing that the latter explanation holds more weight.

The professor first doubts the possibility of pollution by stating that if otters are（were是否改用虚拟语气？）died of pollution, their dead body would be washed（如果能听的出来是wash off 就更加分了） on the shore. Therefore, as none (nobody, none是代词或副词的说，不能当名词用哦) can find any dead otters, this explanation can be weakened. What’s more, it is also hard to find any otter that consists in（亲，伦家说的是consistent with哦~consist是组成的意思嘛） predator hypothesis, which also strengthen the professor’s doubt.

The professor proposes another appropriate explanation of other mammals’ death（population decline）, which challenges the one supported by the author. Compared with pollution, human hunting is a more essential factor related with those mammals’ death. [As human have hunted most of what whales（orcas）usually feed on, only small mammals were left for whale（orcas）].(搞错对象了亲) That can best explain why all the smaller mammals such as seals, sea lions, and otters declined at the same time.

The third reason provided by the author does not please the lecturer either. A fact mentioned by the lecturer demonstrates that the number of otters decreased most in those places where are most accessible to otters（orcas）. His evidence is that for those shallow and rocky areas where are hard for otters/orcas with large bodies to reach, the population of otters did not shrink.



总结：

你的综合写作思路和结构很好啊，而且我也是这么用的，每一段先用一句总结lecture的反驳。如果你听对了内容这篇肯定是得good 哈~

关于什么步骤真没什么说的，基本每次就是先关注阅读第一段提到的文章和听力主要讨论的主题话题是什么，随后的三段其实在写作的时候用一两句简单的话能够paraphrase就OK，主要是讲清楚听力嘛，这lz肯定清楚。

LZ文章的逻辑和起承转合比我强，这方面我就不献丑了。另外注意，综合写作是客观性的学生写作，第一，不能加入自己主观的想法；第二，不能用I, we, you和缩写词。

GWinner

8.14 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.
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思路
1[让步].科学技术确实已经使我们的生活质量得到了很大的提升

E.g. 交通工具的升级使得人们可以在短时间前往世界各地, 扩大了人们的活动范围和生活效率

2[反对].目前人们的生活并不是十全十美的,只要还存在缺陷,就存在改进的机会,也就可能会有更大的improvement

E.g. 还有许多缺陷, 比如非洲人民很贫困

2[反对].没人能预知未来,也许会有更NB的东西发明出来,彻底改变人们的生活

E.g. 瞬移技术!!!Telesport可以highly increase the efficiency of people working.

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Whether the continuously advancing technology has already given birth to the most significant change of people’s live in the past several centuries is relatively a subject of discussion. Despite the fact that some legendary inventions such as light bulb, steam machine and Internet did push the human civilization into new eras, what will happen in the future still remains unpredictable. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she will be confident of the surely brighter future and therefore disagree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, I have to admit thatinventions worked out by our creative and smart predecessors have improved the quality of people’s life to an unprecedented level. This point can be perfectly illustrated by the development of medicine during the past several years. Among the generation of our parents and grandparents, cancer was a word that is always accompanied with death and fear. However, present medical techniques entirely changed people’s attitude towards cancer. Deeper research findings, stronger skills of doctoring, and more powerful equipments in hospitals all helped to raise the survival rate of cancerous patients, which results in worldwide longevity and high quality of life. Besides medicine, achievements reached in transportation, communication, and entertainment all seems so amazing that are impossible to be surpassed.

However, there is a saying goes that, “possibility of progress lives in the existence of flaw.” As we do not live in a perfect world, the chance to optimize those unsatisfying points makes it possible for new technologies to achieve a larger success. It is widely known that majority of African live in a poor condition, suffering poverty, illness, and war. If scientists can work out new ways to improve the situation in Africa, for example, to fertilize their sterile farmland into loam, to eliminate the wide-spread infective illness, to boost their economic development, and to peace those long-last dispute of land ownership, these new technologies would undoubtedly be treated equally important with the former ones as they contribute to the overall improvement of the world’s average live standard.

Another reason that should not be ignored is that no one is able to predict the future. The possibility that people’s life can be completely changed should never be denied. Actually, many high-tech and advanced skills we can see in the science fiction movie act as examples for the future we could expect. One of my most expressed techniques is the one that enable human to teleport. Acquiring this technique, the pace of human’s life would soar up, fuel and room used for transportation can be reserved for a better use, and the time spent on road could be used for more meaningful place. With hope of new technique like this, it is too early to conclude what the most significant technology is.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am full convincing that more significant science advances is surely going to happen in the future. If there is anyone who still doubt the room for science to develop, who still wonder the existence of more advanced skills, and who still do not understand the unpredictability of future, this passage is my answer.

GWinner

8.15 独立
Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.
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Outlines----
1[支持].学到东西,长记性,不再犯
Trails and errors can be the greatest lessons. Children experience what it feels like to do stupid things so they learn that making poor decisions leads to thing not turning out well for them. These experiences will leave a lasting impression on children and they will learn to consistently make good decisions and avoid making the same mistakes.
E.g.忘记带homework to school, 打电话让妈妈送, 妈妈不送, 结果fail the class, 但是学会了check important thing before start doing everything.
2[支持].如果总是告诉孩子该做什么不该做什么,孩子会产生依赖性,不能自己做决策,不独立
Can not live independently.
3[让步].一些原则性的东西还是应该注意guide和cultivate,不能完全放任不管
Some mistakes should be prevented such as being addicted to alcohol or drug, because they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. 所以应该find a balance between the freedom and the restrain.
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Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion. In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard for them let children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.

At the first place, every time when adults give advices or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake permanently. However, what they failed to recognize is that letting children to learn by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything.

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone, they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder the most efficient way to prevent the happen of mistakes permanently, who still doubt the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.

GWinner

8.16 独立
Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.
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思路:
[第一段:支持] 生活水平提高,提高成功的可能性
             E.g. 原来家庭条件困难, 还得和父母分担生计问题, 现在吃好的喝好的, 享受高等教育, 所以更容易成功
[第二段: 支持] 父母更注重对孩子的培养
             E.g. 原来能有个高中学历就满足了, 现在重视教育,胎教神马的都出来了
[第三段: 让步] 家庭的支持只是起到辅助作用,真正还得靠个人
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Whether families in the contemporary society can help to enlarge the potential for youngsters to become successful than it can do in the past is relatively a subject of discussion. As parents is spending a greater time and energy on the growth of their children, cosseting and spoiling also happened at the same time, which makes it hard for people to decide whether this change benefits or harms children more. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the essential help families have provided as I do.

To begin with, as the well-being and live standard has risen up in a considerably high velocity, with the increased average income, more money is available for parents to allocate on the growing of their children. That is, children in present society are enjoying an unprecedented high-quality life judging from all the aspects such as education, physical health and spiritual welfare. For instance, compared with the past generations in which children were even forced to share the family’s financial burden and worried about bread problem from an early age, modern teenagers can approach to special-designed dinners, their personal laptops, and even chances to go abroad and have a further study. Hence, the material progress achieved by adults helps children to build a stronger body, to acquire a more advanced education, and thereby construct a better foundation for children’s future success.

Another widely realized fact is that parents are paying more attention to their children than before. To speak more exaggeratedly, the center of a family has shifted from making more money to children’s cultivation during the past several tens of years. The most persuasive evidence is from the education aspect. People in the last generation were satisfied with a degree of middle school. But now it is hardly to find a person who never entered university. The duration for children’s education not only extended, but also became earlier. Even expectant mothers are busy with antenatal training in case their baby losses at the starting line. Not to mention the shocking large number of after-school activities that parents have arranged for their children. All the attention and stresses coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.

Granted, family’s help is not the guarantee of children’s success. A bright future is based not on others’ urging but on one’s inner willing to make effort. For a lazy person who does not have the desire to advance, he would not success even if his parents can buy him an offer of Harvard. However, compared with the past, what parents are doing today undoubtedly provides a larger opportunity for children to be access to success.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that, although it is not decisive, parents have done greatly more than the past and built a stronger foundation for children’s road to success. If anyone who still wonders the relationship between the increasing living condition with potential to success, who still doubts the attention paid by parents to children, and who still do not understand what has been brought by the great effort made by families, this passage is my answer.