GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!

hjl80959

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on how the Chaco structure, which is called the “great houses” found in American Southwest, were used （这个were used 放在前面吧头重脚轻了）. The author provides three theories that indicate the possible usage of the building, which, however, （however连接句子）are rejected respectively by the professor in the lecture. （开头段不错～）

The professor casts serious doubt on the first theory, which states that Chaco structure was purely residential. The building’s inside does not go the same way as it seems from outside and the mismatch is on the fire place. The lecturer demonstrates that there were not enough fire places for hundreds of people to cook their food, since the very small number of the fire place and the number of rooms that are enough for more tan 100 families to live do not match each other.（又是一个奇怪的从句删了吧）

The professor secondly states that not enough evidence can be used to support that the place is used to store food supplies either. The reason is lied on the absence of remain of big maize containers on the excavations. Besides, the fact that the excavation is not covered by maize containers also makes the professor doubt about the truth of the second theory. （第二点是没有maize和 maize container）

The author’s third theory, which regards Chaco structure to be ceremonial centers, does not please the professor either. The first （first后面总要有个second吧，后面你拖拖的省了）reason held by the professor is that beside the broken pots, many other building materials, such sand and stones, were also found in the place. Therefore, as the pots frictions could be left by meals （是建筑工人留下的）, all of these left materials might be the regular trash instead of the evidence of ceremonial centers.





我觉得这个陈述与反驳的套路已经比较熟练了，很好！

要做的就是听力了，我个人觉得听力这个除了本身水平还有就是方法了。

你要吧阅读看到的东西写记下来写在纸上左边一栏3点，3分钟完全够你吧重要信息记录了，然后就是在你听的时候有目的的在右边一栏对照记下来相对的观点，一个一个对。把理由先到位，在细节，这样不愁不好了。

GWinner

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether people should consider previous solutions when facing present or future problems has became (过去分词还是become) a relatively subject of discussion. The precious experience contained in the past (多余与previous重复) and the worry of making same mistake repeatedly makes people hard to decide which one holes (什么意思？) more weight. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.
开头算是一刀切如了，不过总感觉还是没什么东西，貌似是在堆砌一些东西，也可能是由于同样的词用的还多次了光这一段consider出现两次

At the very beginning, no one can deny（undeniably 简洁明了） the fact that tons of solutions that we have used to solve problems successfully in the past(修饰语太长了，让人读了喘不过气来同时也并不能说明什么问题 tons of successful solutions 不是挺好的) can act as guiders who can clear (illuminate) our direction, point out our weakness, and conduct(lead) us towards the right destination in the most direct way.（三个并列用的不错） What people did in the past might also work in the same way and, thereby, save us in the similar present or future situation. The example of the company that I have been an internship in perfectly matches this point. In the last few years, that company met its development bottleneck and found it difficult to chase a new improvement. Knowing that many other companies had suffered the similar puzzle before, the manager decided to interview the leaders of those companies and learn their （existed or used）way to escape from the limitation. （例子不错，但是别忘了突出是review the past）Finally, the company broke its bottleneck successfully by undertaking what it has been learned from those senior companies.

Some people may question that not all solutions in the past led to a satisfying result. However, seeing only those solutions that can be used directly, those people fails to consider another significant benefit that can be brought from reviewing the past—the experience. （这句话不知道要表达什么）Even if what the older generations （predecessors）did only resulted in a failure (这个result也很多次了吧 ended with), the experience of the failure can also teach us a lesson and warn us to avoid the same kind of error in the future. Take the Edison, the famous inventor of bulbs,（其实爱迪生是改进了灯丝lamp filament） for example. If Edison had never experienced the bitter of the hundreds of times failing, he would never taste the sweet of the final success, because the final lighting of the bulb is actually based on the analysis, thinking and summary of the past failure. What we can acquire from mistakes is another special kind of wealth, which can guide us to refine and finally get what we want.

Granted, as technology is developing in an amazing speed, only considering the past would prevent us from keeping pace with the contemporary society (prevent from意思不确切为什么考虑历史会阻止我们吧，只能mere retrospect of the history cannot make us to keep up with the rapid social pace)and limit our creativity as well. However, reviewing the past do not equal to simply copying the old things without thinking. The role of the past is the beginning and foundation of our thinking (the past sets the foundation for our thinking). Like building architecture, after using the guide of the old example as the ground and frame, what should be used when building the upper structure are the most advanced techniques and the newest creativities.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that reviewing the past is a necessary process when solving the present and future problems. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonders whether the past cases should be considered useless(whether 完全可以去掉), who still doubts the importance of experience, and who still does not understand the way to combine the past, the present and the future, this passage is my answer.



Tips

不知道是不是在半个小时打出520+的字的，如果是我得先表扬一下但问题同样出现了，其实这些字很多都是重读和多余的从句变化，反而写的文章不够简洁明快

托福作文更生活化一些，注重长短句的结合，楼主全文基本都是长句，且多个从句叠在一切，让人看起来很累。这个需要精简，同时托福作文更不是gre阅读不需要套那么多从句。

楼主需要吧作文的用词好好的看一下，这篇文章的consider 这个词出现了太多词句式用法比较单一。

文章的结构没有问题，例子也切合，观点很好这是我需要学习的，因为我昨天写的时候就不知道写什么。

没什么大的错误，拼写和时态都不错。

努力方向应该是简化句子结构，增加句型变化，单词多样性

-- by 会员 hjl80959 (2012/8/8 13:41:10)

嗯嗯感谢哈~~帮我这么认真的批改@ @

确实我一直觉得自己的文章写的很罗嗦 句子有时候也不自觉的用的很长很复杂 "注意长短句结合"这个很中肯! 以后会注意滴~~

句式和单词的多样性也是我的软肋 以后多注重好词好句积累~

总之还是非常感谢哈~提出很多有用的建议^^加油!

GWinner

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on how the Chaco structure, which is called the “great houses” found in American Southwest, were used （这个were used 放在前面吧头重脚轻了）. The author provides three theories that indicate the possible usage of the building, which, however, （however连接句子）are rejected respectively by the professor in the lecture. （开头段不错～）

The professor casts serious doubt on the first theory, which states that Chaco structure was purely residential. The building’s inside does not go the same way as it seems from outside and the mismatch is on the fire place. The lecturer demonstrates that there were not enough fire places for hundreds of people to cook their food, since the very small number of the fire place and the number of rooms that are enough for more tan 100 families to live do not match each other.（又是一个奇怪的从句删了吧）

The professor secondly states that not enough evidence can be used to support that the place is used to store food supplies either. The reason is lied on the absence of remain of big maize containers on the excavations. Besides, the fact that the excavation is not covered by maize containers also makes the professor doubt about the truth of the second theory. （第二点是没有maize和 maize container）

The author’s third theory, which regards Chaco structure to be ceremonial centers, does not please the professor either. The first （first后面总要有个second吧，后面你拖拖的省了）reason held by the professor is that beside the broken pots, many other building materials, such sand and stones, were also found in the place. Therefore, as the pots frictions could be left by meals （是建筑工人留下的）, all of these left materials might be the regular trash instead of the evidence of ceremonial centers.





我觉得这个陈述与反驳的套路已经比较熟练了，很好！

要做的就是听力了，我个人觉得听力这个除了本身水平还有就是方法了。

你要吧阅读看到的东西写记下来写在纸上左边一栏3点，3分钟完全够你吧重要信息记录了，然后就是在你听的时候有目的的在右边一栏对照记下来相对的观点，一个一个对。把理由先到位，在细节，这样不愁不好了。

-- by 会员 hjl80959 (2012/8/8 13:55:30)

我本身的听力水平就有问题> <不知道同学你是怎么提高听力水平的呢 求指点阿~~~

感觉如果没有机经再加上生词过多的话 很难通过一边听力就能够抓住大部分细节...真让人头大> <!

GWinner

8.8 综合 TPO6
The lecture and the passage give contradictory opinion on whether the online communal encyclopedias or the traditional ones should be preferred. The author points out three shortcomings of the online encyclopedias to assert his preference on traditional ones, which are rejected by the professor who sitting at the opposite side arguing that the online encyclopedia is better.

The professor first shows strong opposition on the author’s doubt about the accuracy of the online encyclopedias and demonstrates that online ones hardly have any error instead. He reasons that as there are many soft wares designed to find the mistakes in electronic passages, errors in an online encyclopedia are easy to correct, while those errors in printed articles will remain for decades.

The professor refuses the second shortcoming raised by the author by providing two strategies that are recently used. The first one suggests that the online articles can be put into the read-only format. Since articles in this format can not be changed by anyone, the reliability of online encyclopedias can be ensured. In the second strategy, special editors who can monitor the change made on the reading passages are required. Therefore the potential flaw of online articles mentioned by the author can be avoided.

The author’s third opinion does not please the professor either. Arguing that the traditional articles printed on paper do not reflect the large range of interest of readers, the professor firmly believes that the great variety of articles provided through Internet can satisfy the demand of consumers at the greatest extent, which can also be treated as one of online encyclopedias strongest advantages.

chasedreamabc

The lecture and the passagegive contradictory opinion (用contradictory 修饰opinion,忽略了n.的单复数,+s)on whetherthe online communal encyclopedias or the traditional ones should be preferred(看起来很头重脚轻,开头simple些:The lecturer addresses each of the three criticisms of communal online encyclopedias mentioned in the reading passage.) The author points out three shortcomings of the online encyclopedias to assert his preference on traditional ones, which(which指代,不能指代前面的句子,语法上修饰ones) are rejected by the professor who sitting at the opposite side arguing that the online encyclopedia is better.

The professor first shows (a+) strong opposition on the author’s doubt about the accuracy of the online encyclopedias and demonstrates that online ones hardly have any error instead. He reasons that as there are (感觉去掉更好)many soft wares (应该是一个单词) designed to find the mistakes in electronic passages, errors in an online encyclopedia are easy to correct, while those errors in printed articles will remain for decades.

The professor refuses the second shortcoming raised by the author by providing two strategies that are recently used. The first one suggests that the online articles can be put into the read-only format. Since articles in this format can not (cannot) be changed by anyone, the reliability of online encyclopedias can be ensured. In the second strategy, special editors who can monitor the change made on the reading passages are required (听力第二点是编辑监控并且时刻消除恶意的信息,有遗漏点,建议改为:special editors whose job is to monitor all changes made to the articles and eliminated those changes that are clearly malicious.). Therefore the potential flaw of online articles mentioned by the author can be avoided.

The author’s third opinion does not please the professor either. Arguing that the traditional articles printed on paper do not reflect(没有指出原因limited space) the large range of interest of readers, the professor firmly believes that the great variety of articles provided through Internet can satisfy the demand of consumers at the greatest extent, which (还是同一指代问题)can also be treated as one of online encyclopedias strongest advantages

GWinner

8.9 独立写作
you can know a lot about a person through the types of friends this person has.
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思路:
[第一段:支持]朋友可以互相影响
                E.g. 从前不喜欢摇滚, 遇到喜欢摇滚的朋友后开始爱上摇滚
[第二段:支持]相同兴趣的人容易成为朋友
                E.g. 科学家做实验, 幼儿园里外向的孩子之间容易成为朋友, 而内向的孩子会在一起玩
[第三段:让步]也有不受外界影响的例子, 但是很少, 大部分人还是会受别人影响的
                E.g. 也有从不好的学校考上特别好的大学的, 但是数量很少

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Whether a person could be judged from evaluating his or her friends is relatively a subject to discuss. The extent to which a person can balance between being influenced by the surrounding and remaining his own personalities unchanged makes it difficult to decide the effect brought by friends. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, strong and long-term friendship will result in common value and similar interest. This point can be perfectly illustrated by my own experience. Before I entered the university, I knew little about the rock music. However, one of my roommates Swally was crazy about rock & roll. After being friends with Swally for three years, I began to listen to songs in this category and gradually found the fascination inside them. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally! Communicating and sharing information every time can reshape different individuals, narrow the gap between them, and finally build them similar with each other. In this way, when judging a person, you can always find the shadow of his friends.

The very early step for friends to become alike is not happened after the building of the friendship. Instead, when looking for the potential friends, people tend to find those who are similar with themselves. An interesting experiment can be used to support this point. In this research, in order to study the friend-making behavior, a class of children in a kindergarten was observed by a group of scientist. Scientists found that those children who are extroversions tend to gather together, making noises and playing sports. While those introvert children built another group and painted pictures together. It is even more surprising that children in different group seldom communicate with each other. Therefore, people with similar personalities are more likely to become friends.

Granted, the existence of people who are seldom influenced by surrounding is undeniable. However, as only countable students who graduated from bottom schools can be admitted by TOP universities, this case is not suitable for the general situation. For the majority of people, therefore, their personal quality and value can be reflected in his choosing and enhancing of friendship.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that friends should be treated as one of the most essential elements when evaluating a person. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonder the changes a friend can bring to a person, who still doubts the decisive role played by friendship, and who still does not understand how friendship can shape a person, this passage is my answer.

lemonyhu

LZ我负责改你的8.8的独立啊~~~
貌似你写的是综合不是独立？~

GWinner

LZ我负责改你的8.8的独立啊~~~
貌似你写的是综合不是独立？~

-- by 会员 lemonyhu (2012/8/9 20:40:41)

嗯嗯 老大分组的时候有点小晕~没关系哈就这样吧^^

lxc1989614

我明天给你改行不？今天时间太紧张了。
你改的很认真。。我本来昨天匆匆忙忙写完来不及检查了，想再修改一下的，结果你给改了，改的很好，谢谢了

GWinner

我明天给你改行不？今天时间太紧张了。
你改的很认真。。我本来昨天匆匆忙忙写完来不及检查了，想再修改一下的，结果你给改了，改的很好，谢谢了

-- by 会员 lxc1989614 (2012/8/10 18:17:17)

呵呵没关系~明天记得改哈^^