【写作小分队】tyyhappy 欢迎狂批^_^

tyyhappy

6-24
Have you ever noticed that some life advices given by grandparents are still useful and helpful although years passed by? I still remember when I was young my grandpa told me girls had better not stay too late at other’s house. Have you ever talked with grandma about your career and asked for advice? Last vocation while I was visiting my grandma, she suggested me to work hard no matter if there is a boss around. Such is the reality at least for me that grandparents’ suggestions guide and help me to some extent. From my view, world changed rapidly but advices about how to live a life and what to do with our work are still valuable.

First of all, it goes without saying that grandparents experience more so that their proposals about how to conduct and behavior sound reasonable. Grandma may order children wash their hands before and after meal; Grandma will suggest granddaughter to behave well while she is wearing a skirt; Grandpa might tell boys to always be brave and strong because they are men. Such guidance mentioned above should be informed with children since they were young so that they keep them in heart, behavior like that and repeat until it develops into a habit. Therefore, I emphasize that what grandparents think we should know is exactly what we need to know.

Secondly, their opinions about how to work also play an important part even if in modern offices today. Grandparents may suggest us to be just honest and hardworking though these characters might not lead us to promotions directly. However, so simple but vital is the proposal that it still works now, which is concluded from grandparents’ whole work life. For example, workers who always speak highly of his or her boss but work less diligently will probably get a better opportunity than those who do more but say nothing. If grandchildren learn from the case that they could have done less and gotten more by saying beautiful words, then it is absolutely wrong. Grandparents would point out that nothing can be compared with working hard and eventually making profits for companies and these seemingly easier ways to reach higher positions work only in short-term and certainly will fail in long –term. In fact their views always turn out to be true. So, I believe that grandparents will probably put up some useful advices according to their own work life.

Admittedly, as technology develops so fast that some thoughts are out of date.
Accountants today use computers instead of abacus, so grandparents’ experiences about how to use abacus more efficiently seems invaluable. In fact, not all suggestions from grandparents should be adopted.

As far as I am concerned, though time flied advices given by parents are partly useful and helpful. How to live a good life and what to do correctly at work never changes with ages. So why not visit them regularly, take care of them carefully and listen to what they talk patiently?

一个月没写····憋死我了···没有速度没有思路没有句子可用词汇匮乏·····
不好意思，上传晚了呢。^_^
一个月没写····憋死我了···没有速度没有思路没有句子可用词汇匮乏·····
不好意思，上传晚了呢。^_^

瓜瓜不瓜

happy稍微等我下哦 我白天出去high了。。马上写。。写完马上给你改哈

瓜瓜不瓜

6-24  红色为错误 蓝色为建议 绿色是段落和逻辑上的点评 紫色是总评

Have you ever noticed that some life advices given by grandparents are still useful and helpful although years passed by? I still remember when I was young my grandpa told me （+that）girls had better not stay too late at other’s house. Have you ever talked with grandma about your career and asked for advice? Last vocation while I was visiting my grandma, she suggested me to work hard no matter if there is a boss around. Such is the reality at least for me that grandparents’ suggestions guide and help me to some extent. From my view, world changed rapidly but advices about how to live a life and what to do with our work are still valuable.   (第一段写的挺好的，反问句+回答)

First of all, it goes without saying that grandparents experience（缺少谓语） more so that their proposals about how to conduct and behavior sound reasonable. Grandma may order children wash their hands before and after meal; Grandma will suggest granddaughter to behave well while she is wearing a skirt; Grandpa might tell boys to always be brave and strong because they are men. Such guidance mentioned above should be informed with children since they were young so that they keep them in heart, behavior like that and repeat until it develops into a habit. Therefore, Iemphasize（感觉这个词用在这里的感觉不太对，强调？用一般的hold the opinion吧） that what grandparents think we should know is exactly what we need to know.

Secondly, their opinions（opinion不可数） about how to work also play an important part even if in modern offices today. Grandparents may suggest us to be just honest and hardworking though these characters might not lead us to promotions directly. However, so simple but vital is the proposal that it still works now（这个倒装句好像有点问题，so...that被你拆开来用了，应该不能分开倒装，不知道你有木有懂我的意思。。）.which is concluded from grandparents’ whole work life. For example, workers who always speak highly of his or her boss but work less diligently will probably get a better opportunity than those who do more but say nothing. If grandchildren learn from the case that they could have done less and gotten more by saying beautiful words, then it is absolutely wrong. Grandparents would point out that nothing can be compared with working hard and eventually making profits for companies and these seemingly easier ways to reach higher positions work only in short-term and certainly will fail in long –term. In fact their views always turn out to be true. So, I believe that grandparents will probably put up some useful advices according to their own work life.（语言有一点chinglish额。。我是看的比较懂。。）

Admittedly, as（as以后就木有主句了） technology develops so fast that some thoughts are out of date. Accountants today use computers instead of abacus, so grandparents’ experiences about how to use abacus more efficiently seems invaluable.（加一个转折吧，However,）In fact, not all suggestions from grandparents should be adopted.(这个让步瓜瓜觉得并没有写的很好，给了一个算盘经验没有用的例子，但是主要是要给出支持：有些经验并没有过时，那么支持这个论点的例子呢？要写出来才行。）

As far as I am concerned, though time flied（flies一般现在时就好，flied的话主句的时态也要改） advices given by parents are partly useful and helpful. How to live a good life and what to do correctly at work never changes with ages. So why not visit them regularly, take care of them carefully and listen to what they talk patiently?

happy不好意哦，瓜瓜来晚了，恕罪恕罪啦！批得有点严格，不要见怪哦

总评：拼写基本木有错误，总分总5段式也出来了，每个段落重点也比较明确
         但是逻辑上有待加强哈！
         一起加油！！！！

tyyhappy

6-26
Have you ever figured out why Economics crisis occurred in 2009 and how it influenced our country’s economics? Have you ever thought about whether you are interested in economics or finance which is seemingly related a lot to money? Such is the society reality that most high school students have no idea of how economics runs. From my point of view, high school students should take a course on basic economics.

First of all, it goes without saying that basic economics helps us to understand more completely how the world looks like today. For example, why universities accept more students after the economic crisis is beyond most high school students. It seems as if people were becoming much richer in the crisis because more people chose to pay for high tuitions under that condition. In fact, the choices of going back to school just resulted from the economics influences that most companies cut down their employees to save costs. This case is not rare, in reality; phenomenon in society partly has something to do with economics. Thus, it is necessary for high school students to learn economics.

Secondly, understanding of economics also plays an important role in career choices. Students who have the concept of economics will probably figure out whether they enjoy facing financial reports and invoices everyday as an accountant or whether they would like to make researches on how to price finance products. Students who have not learnt economics before have difficulties in making clear what finance engineer or bank workers do in daily work. Consequently, with the understanding of basic economics, they are more likely to make appropriate decisions, avoiding choosing some uninteresting subject. So I believe grasping fundamental economies is essential.

Admittedly, high school students already learn a lot subjects today and additional subject may put pressure on them. However, adolescence is the best time for studying in one’s whole life, if students carefully make study plans and they will probably overcome the challenge.

As far as I am concerned, despite the mere shortcoming of adding economics to high school course, the merits easily surpass. Fully understanding the world and making appropriate decisions are so important that courses should be provided with high school students.
基本没感觉，写了还不到400字···

瓜瓜不瓜

6-26
Have you ever figured out why Economics（不用大写） crisis occurred in 2009 and how it influenced our country’s economics? Have you ever thought about whether you are interested in economics or finance which is seemingly related a lot to money? Such（Such能这么用么？一般都是it作为形式主语的吧，such貌似没有这个功能哦） is the society reality that most high school students have no idea of how economics runs. From my point of view, high school students should take a course on basic economics.

First of all, it goes without saying that basic economics helps us to understand more completely how the world looks like today. For example, why universities accept more students after the economic crisis is beyond most high school students（没读懂什么意思）. It seems as if people were becoming much richer in the crisis because more people chose to pay for high tuitions under that condition. In fact, the choices of going back to school just resulted from the economics influences that most companies cut down their employees to save costs. This case is not rare, in reality; phenomenon in society partly has something to do with economics. Thus, it is necessary for high school students to learn economics.

Secondly, understanding of economics also plays an important role in career choices. Students who have the concept of economics will probably figure out whether they enjoy facing financial reports and invoices（invoice) everyday as an accountant or whether they would like to make researches on how to price finance products. Students who have not learnt economics before have difficulties in making clear what finance engineer or bank workers do in daily work. Consequently, with the understanding of basic economics, they are more likely to make appropriate decisions, avoiding choosing some uninteresting subject. So I believe grasping fundamental economies is essential.

Admittedly, high school students already learn a lot subjects today and additional subject may put pressure on them. However, adolescence is the best time for studying in one’s whole life, if students carefully make study plans and they will probably overcome the challenge.

As far as I am concerned, despite the mere shortcoming of adding economics to high school course, the merits easily surpass. Fully understanding the world and making appropriate decisions are so important that courses should be provided with high school students.
基本没感觉，写了还不到400字···


第一段写的挺好的，让步段也写对了。基本上没有什么问题哦。鼓掌！

tyyhappy

^_^好嘞~~

tyyhappy

6-27
Have you ever consistently worked for several days with little time to send your lovely child to school? Have you ever found it inconvenient to take care of parents who live far away from your own home? Such is the common dilemma that when it comes up to family reasonability less leisure time and inconvenient conditions such as transportation brings up puzzles and problems for modern people. From my point of view, people who live in cities have less opportunities and possibilities to carefully and considerately look after their family members.

First of all, it goes without saying that a plenty of work and social activities occupy people lots of time and consequently reduce their time to care for families. Take my father for example, who seldom has dinner together with my mother and me since I was young. Therefore, there is no chance for me to ask him about difficulty math problems which puzzled me a lot. Also, it is already the next morning when he was informed of my high final examination scores. Little spare time to communicate with family members sometimes leaves them a bad impression that you are not taking account of them completely. In fact, this case does not just appear like that, but also it is the reality that one omits to give considerations to families.

Also, the flexible and convenience of taking care of parents and children

in rural areas plays a vital role. Nowadays city planners are enlarging cities and transportations are more unavailable which result in more inconvenience for people to look after family members. My friend who lives in a great modern city is a perfect paragon. Each time it takes her three hours to drive to see her parents, who live just in the opposite side of the same city. She could be saved much misery and time if they choose rural places where people tend to live nearby or together. Consequently, the convenience of taking care of parents and children in rural areas far weigh out the conditions in cities.

Admittedly, qualified schools and advanced medical environment leads to a convenient condition of taking care of families in cities. However, nowadays more key senior schools and quality hospital are constructed all over the country as society develops rapidly.

As far as I am concerned, despite the limited virtues of taking care of families in cities, living in rural places provides more chances and possibilities to give them great considerations.

chenglu9066

蓝色为精彩部分，红色为有问题和需修改的部分，紫色为总评

Have you ever consistently worked for several days with little time to send your lovely child to school? Have you ever found it inconvenient to take care of parents who live far away from your own home?(排比句，好！)Such is the common dilemma that when it comes up to family reasonability less leisure time and inconvenient conditions such as transportation brings up puzzles（红色部分为一个完整句子，但是在such is the common…..for modern people这一长句中such as后面应加名词性词组，如此才可以与problems for modern people 对应）and problems for modern people. From my point of view, people who live in cities have less opportunities and possibilities to carefully and considerately look after their family members.

First of all, it goes without saying that a plenty of work and social activities occupy people lots of time and consequently reduce their time to care for families.Take my father for example, who seldom has dinner together with my mother and me since I was young.（take ..example后应该跟着的是完整的句子，who引导的从句应修改为 he seldom…..young） Therefore, there is no chance for me to ask him about difficulty（difficult） math problems which puzzled me a lot. Also, it is already the next morning when he was informed of my high final examination scores. Little spare time to communicate with family members sometimes leaves them a bad impression that you are not taking account of them completely.In fact, this case does not just appear like that, but also it is the reality that one omits to give considerations to families.

Also,the flexible（flexibility）and convenience of taking care of parents and children in rural areas plays a vital role（plays a vital role in rural areas ）. Nowadays city planners are enlarging cities and transportations are more unavailable which result in more inconvenience for people to look after family members. My friend who lives in a great modern city is a perfect paragon. Each time it takes her three hours to drive to see her parents, who live just in the opposite side of the same city. She could be saved (被动语态在这里使语义逻辑不通，应改为she could save)much misery and time if they choose rural places where people tend to live nearby or together. Consequently, the convenience of taking care of parents and children in rural areas far weigh out the conditions in cities.

Admittedly, qualified schools and advanced medical environment leads to a convenient condition of taking care of families in cities. However, nowadays more key senior schools and quality hospital are constructed all over the country as society develops rapidly.

As far as I am concerned, despite the limited virtues of taking care of families in cities, living in rural places provides more chances and possibilities to give them great considerations



To tyyhappy

1排比句的开头很精彩！

2本文在举例说明部分做得不错。

3有些语法错误，已标明。以后多多注意哦~



PS：我纯属菜鸟，正在摸索中，有啥问题，咱们互相多指教指教哈

tyyhappy

6-26
Have you ever figured out why Economics（不用大写） crisis occurred in 2009 and how it influenced our country’s economics? Have you ever thought about whether you are interested in economics or finance which is seemingly related a lot to money? Such（Such能这么用么？一般都是it作为形式主语的吧，such貌似没有这个功能哦） is the society reality that most high school students have no idea of how economics runs. From my point of view, high school students should take a course on basic economics.

First of all, it goes without saying that basic economics helps us to understand more completely how the world looks like today. For example, why universities accept more students after the economic crisis is beyond most high school students（没读懂什么意思）. It seems as if people were becoming much richer in the crisis because more people chose to pay for high tuitions under that condition. In fact, the choices of going back to school just resulted from the economics influences that most companies cut down their employees to save costs. This case is not rare, in reality; phenomenon in society partly has something to do with economics. Thus, it is necessary for high school students to learn economics.

Secondly, understanding of economics also plays an important role in career choices. Students who have the concept of economics will probably figure out whether they enjoy facing financial reports and invoices（invoice) everyday as an accountant or whether they would like to make researches on how to price finance products. Students who have not learnt economics before have difficulties in making clear what finance engineer or bank workers do in daily work. Consequently, with the understanding of basic economics, they are more likely to make appropriate decisions, avoiding choosing some uninteresting subject. So I believe grasping fundamental economies is essential.

Admittedly, high school students already learn a lot subjects today and additional subject may put pressure on them. However, adolescence is the best time for studying in one’s whole life, if students carefully make study plans and they will probably overcome the challenge.

As far as I am concerned, despite the mere shortcoming of adding economics to high school course, the merits easily surpass. Fully understanding the world and making appropriate decisions are so important that courses should be provided with high school students.
基本没感觉，写了还不到400字···


第一段写的挺好的，让步段也写对了。基本上没有什么问题哦。鼓掌！

-- by 会员 瓜瓜不瓜 (2012/6/27 18:58:39)

To 瓜瓜
谢谢瓜瓜的批改。
关于“Such（Such能这么用么？一般都是it作为形式主语的吧，such貌似没有这个功能哦） is the society reality that most high school students have no idea of how economics runs.”和“why universities accept more students after the economic crisis is beyond most high school students（没读懂什么意思）. ”
第一句貌似是倒装句，第二句sth is beyond sb:对于某人来说，XX是难以理解的。这两个又是套的模板···
我发现一套模板就用不好·····omg···

tyyhappy

蓝色为精彩部分，红色为有问题和需修改的部分，紫色为总评

Have you ever consistently worked for several days with little time to send your lovely child to school? Have you ever found it inconvenient to take care of parents who live far away from your own home?(排比句，好！)Such is the common dilemma that when it comes up to family reasonability less leisure time and inconvenient conditions such as transportation brings up puzzles（红色部分为一个完整句子，但是在such is the common…..for modern people这一长句中such as后面应加名词性词组，如此才可以与problems for modern people 对应）and problems for modern people. From my point of view, people who live in cities have less opportunities and possibilities to carefully and considerately look after their family members.

First of all, it goes without saying that a plenty of work and social activities occupy people lots of time and consequently reduce their time to care for families.Take my father for example, who seldom has dinner together with my mother and me since I was young.（take ..example后应该跟着的是完整的句子，who引导的从句应修改为 he seldom…..young） Therefore, there is no chance for me to ask him about difficulty（difficult） math problems which puzzled me a lot. Also, it is already the next morning when he was informed of my high final examination scores. Little spare time to communicate with family members sometimes leaves them a bad impression that you are not taking account of them completely.In fact, this case does not just appear like that, but also it is the reality that one omits to give considerations to families.

Also,the flexible（flexibility）and convenience of taking care of parents and children in rural areas plays a vital role（plays a vital role in rural areas ）. Nowadays city planners are enlarging cities and transportations are more unavailable which result in more inconvenience for people to look after family members. My friend who lives in a great modern city is a perfect paragon. Each time it takes her three hours to drive to see her parents, who live just in the opposite side of the same city. She could be saved (被动语态在这里使语义逻辑不通，应改为she could save)much misery and time if they choose rural places where people tend to live nearby or together. Consequently, the convenience of taking care of parents and children in rural areas far weigh out the conditions in cities.

Admittedly, qualified schools and advanced medical environment leads to a convenient condition of taking care of families in cities. However, nowadays more key senior schools and quality hospital are constructed all over the country as society develops rapidly.

As far as I am concerned, despite the limited virtues of taking care of families in cities, living in rural places provides more chances and possibilities to give them great considerations



To tyyhappy

1排比句的开头很精彩！

2本文在举例说明部分做得不错。

3有些语法错误，已标明。以后多多注意哦~



PS：我纯属菜鸟，正在摸索中，有啥问题，咱们互相多指教指教哈

-- by 会员 chenglu9066 (2012/6/28 17:20:58)

谢谢chenglu的细心批改哪^_^Q你。