【写作小分队】Maylovehe的作文贴－拍死我吧

maylovehe1

第一次开帖写作文，不太读懂规则，请各位大牛大侠帮忙批评指正～　不慎感谢

【写作小分队】大本营：　http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-661450-1-1.html#last

maylovehe1

In recent years, the issue of which transportation plays more significant role in current society is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused. Some people hold that airplane, at a large degree, ensures the development of logistic, which serves as an indispensable element in composting whole economic society. In weighing up both the prospective benefits and potential risks, I am on the opposite side of this claim and support that automobile, in fact, is much more important when count on the effectiveness and efficiency.

First of all, cars can be drive to everywhere which airplane is unable to do so. Especially for those remote areas, cars could access to those areas where have not been established the airports, but may be store valuable mines and beautiful scenery.  We can figure out that if we deplore the mines and design the travel routine at there, a potential increase on the Local GDP will definitely be occurrance. To take DUBAI as an example, who knows this wonderful place in Middle East, if no one initially drives to before the airport built up? The answer is “NO”.

What is more, cars can be operating easily while the airplane can be not. Hundreds and thousands of people could acquire this technical skill to benefit our society. Unlike the driver test, the qualified pilot aviators have to attend several rounds of professional and strict tests which are not only to observe their operating skills, but also to consider their quality on any layers.  According to publication of statistics from Chinese Driving Test Centre, about 82.4 percent of attendees can past the exam each year from 2008~2010. However, Jackie Liu, one human resource manager in China Airlines, has been mentioned that less than 1 percent candidates are approved in the final round interview during recruitment last year. Thereafter, from aforesaid data, it is obviously shown that cars somehow are easier to drive than airplanes.

On the other hand, people might not to ignore the influence that since airplane was at first invented by Wrighter Brothers, it is no longer a possibility that we fight from South Africa to North Pore to view the aurora with only couple of hours. Even though the quantum leaps on technologies of building the airplane improve our lifestyles, we still should reckon the flaws they are bringing out. For instance, the oil price increases because of large demand on the air transportation and the unforgettable awful memories for those people who lost their loved friends or relatives in Aircraft Accident.

All in all, it would be a great misleading to try to define the effect of airplane which features in many forms as the second to none. Furthermore, it is time for us to wake up from the wrong stereotype and to note that great significance in society is absolutely attached to automobiles.

cynthiabyq

黄色背景表示赞！以下建议仅拱参考噢！共同进步吧！
In recent years, the issue of（that)which(最好交代一下两种交通工具) transportation (lack of sth...eg. mean of transportation)plays more significant role in current society is much concerned to a point （这个句型太复杂了嗷）where a wide discussion has been aroused. Some people hold that airplane, at a large degree, ensures the development of logistic(s), which(修饰先行词还是airplane?)serves as an indispensable element in composting(spelling?) whole economic society. In (是不是没有in更好？)weighing up both the prospective benefits and potential risks, I am on the opposite side of this claim and support that automobile, in fact, is much more important when count on（？）the effectiveness and efficiency.

First of all, cars can be drive to everywhere which（“while”is better） airplane is unable to do so. Especially for those remote areas, cars could access to those areas（them）where have not been established the airports, (- -。不宜倒装吧楼主)but（我懂你的意思，但是貌似真的不构成转折关系）may be store valuable mines and beautiful scenery(store scenery?). We can figure out that if we deplore(deploit) the (omit the)mines and design the travelroutine(lines) at there, a potential increase on (in)the Local GDP will definitely be occurrance(occur 尽量简明噢). To take DUBAI as an example, who knows this wonderful place in Middle East, if no one initially drives to (missing sth.)before the(an) airport built up? The answer is “NO”.
- -。so sorry. i have to go..只改了两段。希望楼主原谅！

maylovehe1

Thank you so much!!!!! I am really appreciated!!!!! 真心受教了，谢谢你啊！我好好看看再改改。。。

Based on your recommendation, below part has been revised accordingly. could you please help review? Many thanks!

In recent years, the importance of transportation is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused. Some people hold that airplane, to large extent, ensures the development of logistics. As we all know that, logistics serves as an indispensable element in composing economic society, and therefore, the contribution of airplane in whole society is irreplaceable. In weighing up both the prospective benefits and potential risks, I am on the opposite side of this claim and support that automobile, in fact, is much more important when people consider the effectiveness and efficiency.

First of all, cars can be driving to everywhere, while airplane is unable to do so.Especially for those remote areas, cars could access to those them, where the airports have not been established. Meanwhile, these areas might be store valuable mines and have the beautiful scenery.We can figure out that if we deposit the mines and design travel lines there, a potential increase in Local GDP will definitely occur. Take DUBAI as an example, who knows this wonderful place in Middle East, if no one initially drives to there before an airport built up? The answer is “NO”.

婷婷connie

不好意思改的太晚了
老规矩：

红色改错，蓝色建议，黄色精彩

In recent years, the issue of which(这句话不太对) transportation plays amore significant role in current society is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused.(建议如下改：transoportation plays a more significant role in current society. A wide discussion has been aroused. )Some people hold that airplane, at(to) a large degree, ensures the development of logistic(这里是想表达什么呢？), which serves as an indispensable element in composting whole economic society. In weighing up both the prospective benefits and potential risks, I am on the opposite side of this claim and support that automobile, in fact, is much more important（上面也是这样的表达，换成of enormous importance）when count on the effectiveness and efficiency.

First of all, cars can be driven to everywhere which(where) airplane is unable to do so. Especially for those remote areas, cars could access to those areas(pots) where have not been established the airports, but may be stored(abound )valuable mines and beautiful sceneries.  We can figure out that if we deplore the mines and design the travel routine at there, a potential increase on the Local GDP will definitely be occurrence（occurred）. To take DUBAI as an example, who knows this wonderful place in Middle East, if no one initially drives totherebefore the airport 'sbuilt upconstruction? The answer is “NO”.

What is more, cars can be operating(operated) easily while the airplane can be not. Hundreds and thousands of people could acquire this technical（指代不明，到底是哪种技术) skill to benefit our society. Unlike the driver test, the qualified pilotaviators have to attend several rounds of professional and strict tests which are not only to observe their operating skills, but also to consider their quality on any layers（occasions）.  According topublication of statistics from Chinese Driving Test Centre, about 82.4 percent of attendees can past the exam each year from 2008~2010. However, Jackie Liu, one human resource manager in China Airlines, has been mentioned that less than 1 percent candidates are approved in the final round interview during recruitment last year. Thereafter(therefore意思上好点), from aforesaid data, it is obviously shown that cars somehow are easier to drive than airplanes.

On the other hand（besides更换,on the other hand通常是两方面的比较，用在这里不合适）, people might not to ignore the influence that since airplane was at first invented by Wrighter Brothers, it（there） is no longer a possibility that we fight from South Africa to North Pore(pole) to view the aurora with only couple of hours. Even though the quantum leaps on technologies of building the airplane improve our lifestyles, we still should reckon the flaws they are bringing out. For instance, the oil price increases because of large demand on the air transportation and the unforgettable awful memories for those people who lost their loved friends(这有点怪怪的) or relatives in Aircraft Accident.

All in all, it would be a great misleading to try to define（the definition of) the effect of (on)airplane which features in many forms as the second to none. Furthermore, it is time for us to wake up from the wrong stereotype and to note that great significance in society is absolutely attached to automobiles.

Conclusion:1.字数很不错哦，但是一定要注意控制好时间

         2.词汇很好~羡慕

         3.被动语态和介词使用还要加强

         4.开头、结尾须精炼

maylovehe1

收到点评了, 太谢谢了,我再改改. 好久没写了时间就是个问题,我会加油的!耶!!

晨依Jacqueline

亲、记得帮我修改3月31日的独立哦~我们是一组

maylovehe1

改了改了,三四段回来我再看看,前三段都看过了 呵呵

Crystaljoy

文笔很不错滴~~~

继续加油哦~

maylovehe1

May 2nd: TPO 3

In the reading passage, we learnt that there are some doubts for the painting. The writer holds the opinion that one painting for woman's face which was not supposed to dress by Rembrandt because some issues. However, the lecture which let us knows that even though some questions raised, it still cannot cover the truth that paint was drawn by excellent Dutch painter Rembrandt.

First and foremost, some inconsistency occurs on the detail depiction. Professor expressed due to make the things seem like expensive, someone use the special pigment to cover the original color. for example, for fur color, it has been over the paint made to create effects.

Second of all, we understood that light and shadow used in paintings are not fit with each other. This is another concern for whether it is created by Rembrandt. But, the processor shows that when the cover of painting removed, the realistic picture can be found which light is more competed with shadow. It is obviously represented Rembrandt style.

Furthermore, regarding wood panel, Rembrandt personally would like to choose the entire one, the whole wood to paint. In reading passage, it is presented that this panel is glued together from several pieces of wood. This conclusion is highly doubted by professor and she insists that according to recent findings from another picture done by Rembrandt, it is indeed his composition because they shared the same wood panel.