第一篇ISSUE被狠批了。。看过OG找了一下规律后改过的 ISSUE 68。。希望老师们再来帮我看看~谢谢您们了。。

yzy0704

No one could be against to the importance of the education, but there comes more and more sounds of doubt towards the formal education! Many people believe that the purpose of education is to free one’s mind, to make one more creative. But others disagree , arguing that it is the formal education that limit our mind and become a blockage during our way to step forward. Ok, I have to say that both of the points are meaningful. However , as far as I am concerned, I would support the first opinion that education can surely fly our mind , helping us to be more creative and smart!

Firstly, please think carefully about what is the purpose of education? Try to think about a simple example, that if a man is always lack of correct guide during his life, what could happen on him? He may become a thief or, what is worse, a murderer , because no one has looked into his heart and made him known about what he is looking forward to and what is true or false .It is terrible, isn’t it? So easily we could see that education is just like a touch, lighting the darkness in your heart and free your mind, letting you realize about your hobbies and find the right way you want to choose.

But why are there so many people argue that it is the formal education that limit one’s mind and make him or her less creative? They hold the point that we will not have the confidence to suspect the former theories indicated by the famous professors, so never can we make progress. I have to say they are quite wrong! Do you remember the three famous educators, Socrates, his student Platon, and Platon’s student Aristotle? The formal education never narrowed Platon’s and Aristotle’s mind. And in the opposite, they use the knowledge learn from their teachers to integrate the former theories. We could draw a conclusion that the formal education can never narrow one’s mind , but gives people the tools to solve problems. Just as a famous saying, teachers take you to the class , while the further progress is just up to you!

However, there is one thing that we must pay much attention to. The formal education is a tool that help find the right way appropriated to you, but not a calculator helping your to find the final answer. Never rely too much on your teachers, or your abilities to solve problems will become worse! And surely it disobeys the original purpose of the formal education!

Maybe you will maintain your previous idea , but would you change your mind after reading my demonstration? And obviously I will hold my point forever, that it is the formal education that makes you more thoughtful , more skillful, and more creative!

yzy0704

５５５有木有人。。

yzy0704

看到不少范文论证时一环接着一环。我中间还需要再加一些论证的环节吗？

竹林中人

看到不少范文论证时一环接着一环。我中间还需要再加一些论证的环节吗？

-- by 会员 yzy0704 (2012/3/18 13:32:17)

感觉这篇Issue跟之前的很多人的风格迥异，我觉得一环环地会很有其实，很有说服力，能写成这样最好。最后就是你的语言也不要太过口语化了，毕竟Issue已经算得上是学术性写作了。关于正规教育，从思路上讲我觉得下面的几点是必须的，正规教育的必要性和好处，以及它的弊端，最后为减少弊端的影响，应该有什么改进的或者补充的手段。这样的三点绝对能环环相扣，而且人身问题的高度很不一样了

yzy0704

嗯好的~~加强段落之间的；逻辑联系吧~~然后规避口语化的文字~~