不以30分为目标的行为都是耍，流，氓！

超级无敌小鹤鹤

！！！围观霸气标题

超级无敌小鹤鹤

还有啊~~~ 以后不要有像星期天那样的情况了哟~~~ 不然鹤鹤要警告丰满妞小喷油了~

jeffery2541

Work-holics regard career almost as the whole world of their life for the reason that earning a great deal of money is the key to happiness and can give them ennough (enough) security. As far as I am concerned, however, social life plays a more important role than work does no matter your career is successful or not.


A perfect job can only fulfill a person’s ambition while friends are the real origin of happiness. The majority of people (people) who work hard for most time of their life hold the opinion that making enough money make(makes) them happy. However, if a person devote (devotes) all the energy to work, then how could(why is could? I prefer can, since your implied meaning is that he certainly has no tiem to enjoy life.) he has(have) time to enjoy his life? On the opposite, hanging out with firends (friends) to watch foot(football) matches and go(going) traveling to meet new friends can help you approach true happiness. Here is a true story(you miss the "that")can illustrate my points. Working in the investment bank is admired(这个词用的好准确！这是admire的一个解释：to look at sth and think that it is attractive and/or impressive) by a lot of business school students even though they have to work more than 100 hours week (a week ) to get promotion. My older(elder) sister is work in investment bank in Hongkong and she has told me a story of her junior colleague Mike. Mike's girlfriend came from Canada to hold(It is ok to say hold a party, but throw a party is more fancy.) a birthday party for him on a weekend, but Mike even(even should be placed right after have) didn’t have one minute to meet with(Just meet, no extra with. meet with means happen to see each other) his girlfriend. At the beginning (beginning), the girl could understand Mike, but after no more than three month, she finally broke up with Mike for being separated (separated) for too long (,)and mike(Mike) felt very head-broken(heart-broken is better, right?) about this ending. Mike may learn a lesson that if you don't have any time for your social life, millions of salary will have no matter with happiness("have no matter with" sounds somehow unfamiliar to my ear. 我想不出来好的了，或许可以是have nothing to do with happiness).


People may feel frustrated when faced with failure on their work. At this time, social life can give them comfort and even make them happy again. After I graduated from my university, I don't spend as much time as used to having fun with my friends(sounds sort of confusing, better this way: I don'g spend as much time having fun with my friends as I used to.). I am busy with my work. One day, when I failed to compete with my colleague and didn't get the promotion(didn't get promoted, 动词的表达更直接) from an assistant to a manager, I felt very depressed and thus I went to find my(my) one of my best friends. He encouraged me and took me to a beautiful place to have relaxation(I prefer verb to noun, since verb is much more direct.). As a result, I forgot about the frustration on career and became happy as usual.(好！活生生的例子。)


Adimittedly (admittedly), people can't just abondan (abandon) their job(jobs) and soly (solely) indulge in the social life. After all, basic needs of life necessitate(好词！使成为必需) money and people will feel empty when they do not do any work. A better way for us to have a happier life may be finding a balance between work and social life.


---

总评：
举例相当充分；用词有很多亮点；开头结尾很精彩。但是文章还是有很多地方略显不精细，表达略显不地道。总体还是一篇很好的文章。

P.S.:迟到的批改，实在抱歉。

Serena0710

Sometimes, for different kinds of reasons, people have to move to a new city or a new country to live and work, leading to a loss of old friends. As a result, many people don't think it is a good thing for the simple reason that they think they can't meet their old friends and have activities with friends as usual, such as having afternoon tea or hanging out together. Besides, they have to spend time and energy to make new friends and get customed (costumed) to new live. However, everything has its pron (pros) and cons and thus I think that leaving old friends to a new city is not so bad as some people expect.


On one hand, moving to a new city doesn't means (mean) losing old friends. That is to say, distance is not a problem any longer. Telecommucations (telecommunications) are well developed, helping people keep in touch with old friends. When you miss one of you friends and want to talk to them, all you have to do is to pick up your mobile phone and make a call. Advanced technology enables the magic that you can be in front of your friends in few hours if they are in need of your help or comfort. For example, after I graduated from my university, I found a job in a new city, so I have to leave my hometown and move to a strange city. At first, I felt lonely, especially in the night.  However, my friends kept contacting me everyday after work via MSN or Email until I knew some new colleague and get used to the new life here. Obviously, telecommunications have removed the obstable (obstacle) of being far away from your friends.


On the other hand, I would say that benefits of migration to a new city can more or less make up the loss of being seperated (separated) with friends. Making new friends and tasting new foods, both can be amazing experience. Additionally, moving to a bigger and more prosper city mneans a promising step into a world of opportunities. This summer, I got a chance to be a intern in a famous fund company in Shanghai, which is far from home. It is fantastic to apply my knowledge obtained in school into practice, to meet a lot of talent people and to accumulate work experience. I made new friends with some other interns, who are Americans and from Harvard.


In conclusion, being far way from old friends are not equal to losing them and it is always well-worth to try new things

Serena0710

Work-holics regard career almost as the whole world of their life for the reason that earning a great deal of money is the key to happiness and can give them ennough (enough) security. As far as I am concerned, however, social life plays a more important role than work does no matter your career is successful or not.


A perfect job can only fulfill a person’s ambition while friends are the real origin of happiness. The majority of people (people) who work hard for most time of their life hold the opinion that making enough money make(makes) them happy. However, if a person devote (devotes) all the energy to work, then how could(why is could? I prefer can, since your implied meaning is that he certainly has no tiem to enjoy life.) he has(have) time to enjoy his life? On the opposite, hanging out with firends (friends) to watch foot(football) matches and go(going) traveling to meet new friends can help you approach true happiness. Here is a true story(you miss the "that")can illustrate my points. Working in the investment bank is admired(这个词用的好准确！这是admire的一个解释：to look at sth and think that it is attractive and/or impressive) by a lot of business school students even though they have to work more than 100 hours week (a week ) to get promotion. My older(elder) sister is work in investment bank in Hongkong and she has told me a story of her junior colleague Mike. Mike's girlfriend came from Canada to hold(It is ok to say hold a party, but throw a party is more fancy.) a birthday party for him on a weekend, but Mike even(even should be placed right after have) didn’t have one minute to meet with(Just meet, no extra with. meet with means happen to see each other) his girlfriend. At the beginning (beginning), the girl could understand Mike, but after no more than three month, she finally broke up with Mike for being separated (separated) for too long (,)and mike(Mike) felt very head-broken(heart-broken is better, right?) about this ending. Mike may learn a lesson that if you don't have any time for your social life, millions of salary will have no matter with happiness("have no matter with" sounds somehow unfamiliar to my ear. 我想不出来好的了，或许可以是have nothing to do with happiness).


People may feel frustrated when faced with failure on their work. At this time, social life can give them comfort and even make them happy again. After I graduated from my university, I don't spend as much time as used to having fun with my friends(sounds sort of confusing, better this way: I don'g spend as much time having fun with my friends as I used to.). I am busy with my work. One day, when I failed to compete with my colleague and didn't get the promotion(didn't get promoted, 动词的表达更直接) from an assistant to a manager, I felt very depressed and thus I went to find my(my) one of my best friends. He encouraged me and took me to a beautiful place to have relaxation(I prefer verb to noun, since verb is much more direct.). As a result, I forgot about the frustration on career and became happy as usual.(好！活生生的例子。)


Adimittedly (admittedly), people can't just abondan (abandon) their job(jobs) and soly (solely) indulge in the social life. After all, basic needs of life necessitate(好词！使成为必需) money and people will feel empty when they do not do any work. A better way for us to have a happier life may be finding a balance between work and social life.


---

总评：
举例相当充分；用词有很多亮点；开头结尾很精彩。但是文章还是有很多地方略显不精细，表达略显不地道。总体还是一篇很好的文章。

P.S.:迟到的批改，实在抱歉。

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/8/22 13:24:12)

谢谢J如此用心的修改~~~不用抱歉啦~~哈哈~

Serena0710

还有啊~~~ 以后不要有像星期天那样的情况了哟~~~ 不然鹤鹤要警告丰满妞小喷油了~

-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/8/22 11:46:51)

哎哟~~就那一次啦~~~原谅丰满妞吧~~~以后再也不会咯~

超级无敌小鹤鹤

乖~~

235852140

821 批改（今天很忙，改的晚了，很抱歉）     错误 建议     精彩

Sometimes, for different kinds of reasons, people have to move to a new city or a new country to live and work, leading to a loss of old friends. As a result, many people don't think it is a good thing for the simple reason that they think they can't meet their old friends and have activities with friends as usual, such as having afternoon tea or hanging out together. Besides, they have to spend time and energy to make new friends and get customed (costumed) to new live. However, everything has its pron (pros) and cons and thus I think that leaving old friends to a new city is not so bad as some people expect.（开头讲的很清楚~没有什么问题~非常好）

On one hand, moving to a new city doesn't means (mean) losing old friends. That is to say, distance is not a problem any longer. Telecommucations (telecommunications) are well developed, helping people keep in touch with old friends. When you miss one of you（your） friends and want to talk to them（前面说one of了，就是朋友中的一个了，这里逻辑错误，them改him or her）, all you have to do is to pick up your mobile phone and make a call.(加个副词simply会更生动)（这两句中间最好有个连接词，Also或者Moreover或者additionally） Advanced technology enables the magic that you can be in front of your friends in few hours if they are in need of your help or comfort. For example, after I graduated from my university, I found a job in a new city, so I have to leave my hometown and move to a strange city. At first, I felt lonely, especially in the night. However, my friends kept contacting me everyday after work via MSN or Email until I knew some new colleague and get used to the new life here. Obviously, telecommunications have removed the obstable (obstacle) of being far away from your friends.


On the other hand, I would say that benefits of migration to a new city can more or less make up the loss of being seperated (separated) with friends. Making new friends and tasting new foods, both can be amazing experience. Additionally, moving to a bigger and more prosper city mneans（means） a promising step into a world of opportunities. This summer, I got a chance to be a intern in a famous fund company in Shanghai, which is far from home. It is fantastic to apply my knowledge obtained in school into practice, to meet a lot of talent people and to accumulate work experience. I made new friends with some other interns, who are Americans and from Harvard.


In conclusion, being far way from old friends are not equal to losing them and it is always well-worth to try new things

总体感觉很连贯，一气呵成，用词用句都很不错，学习了！加油！
另外，感谢亲的批改，受益匪浅~

Serena0710

Relating well to other people is an essential ability to success, helping one create a powerful network, with which he or she can have better chance, abundant resources and efficient cooperation with others. However, studying hard may only give you better scores instead of the elements mentioned above. As far as I am concerned, ability to network means much more to career success than studying hard does.


Having a powerful network is a promising step into a world of opportunities, which cannot be provided by hard working on academic performance. Because of firce (fierce)competetion (competition) between thousands of applications, it is really difficult for a graduate to even get a interview of big company with good reputation. However, conditions will be different if a candidate have (has) a recommendation of manager in the company. Additionally, ability to relate well with other people is more important for graduates who want to start a business since they need many resources to run the business. Recently, the wall street journal reported that, according to the Forbes China rich list and Hurun China rich list, more than half of the rich are not from the top-tier university in China. The yougest (youngest) millionaire was born in 1990 and graduated from a vocational college, the implication being that this young man didn't work hard at school. Though he has more than 1.8 million of dollars, he said that his success is not the result of study well at school but the hardworking in his job and a strong network. Obviously, creating a useful network by the ability of getting well with other people is really dispensable and plays a pushing role in career success.


Another profound effect of relating well to other is to assist people to have a good long-term cooperative relationship. In this day and age, team spirit is the key word and a person can't achieve great success without it. There is no doubt that Steve Jobs is one
of the greatest entrepreneurs and his products do change the world. In his early age, however, he was drived (driven) out of Apple for the reason that he didn't understand how to get on well with his colleagues. His executive had to arrange him work on the night so that he would not have friction with others. Ten years later, he has transformed to a (an) excellent leader and the App store can illustrate this well.


Admittedly, we can't overlook the fact that study is a primary task for a student. Generally speaking, one should have to be highly-skilled to gain a better development in one's professional path. In conclusion, even though to relate well to other people is extremely (extremely) important, especially the business school students, they should not neglet (neglect) their academic performance but only focus on the pursuit of creating network and future career success.

喵喵了个咪

823独立改
Relating well to other people is an essential ability to success, helping one create a powerful network, with which he or she can have better chance, abundant resources and efficient cooperation with others. However, studying hard may only giveyou(和上句一致最好用第三人称) better scores instead of the elements mentioned above. As far as I am concerned, ability to network means much more to career success than studying hard does.


Having a powerful network is a promising step into a world of opportunities, which cannot be provided by hard working on academic performance. Because of firce (fierce)competetion (competition)between(among) thousands of applications, it is really difficult for a graduate to even get a interview of big company(加冠词或者名词变复数) with good reputation. However, conditions will be different if a candidate have (has) a recommendation of manager(加冠词或者名词变复数) in the company. Additionally, the ability to relate well with other people is more important for graduates who want to start a business since they need many resources to run the business. Recently, the wall street journal reported that, according to the Forbes China rich list and Hurun China rich list, more than half of the rich are not from the top-tier university in China. The yougest (youngest) millionaire was born in 1990 and graduated from a vocational college, the implication being that(我用有道词典查说这个是口语用法。不知道在写作里用这个是否合适) this young man didn't work hard at school. Though he has more than 1.8 million ofdollars, he said that his success is not the result of study well at school but the hardworking in his job and a strong network. Obviously, creating a useful network by the ability of getting well with other people is really dispensable(单词意思用错了) and plays a pushing role in career success.


Another profound effect of relating well to other is to assist people to have a good long-term cooperative relationship. In this day and age, team spirit is the(a) key word and a person can't achieve great success without it. There is no doubt that Steve Jobs is oneof the greatest entrepreneurs and his products do change the world. In his early age, however, he was drived (driven) out of Apple for the reason that he didn't understand how to get on well with his colleagues. His executive had to arrange him work on the night so that he would not have friction with others. Ten years later, he has transformed to a (an)excellent leader and the App store can illustrate this well.


Admittedly, we can't overlook the fact that study is a primary task for a student. Generally speaking, one should have to(should和have to意思重复) be highly-skilled to gain a better development in one's professional path. In conclusion, even though to relate well(不定式不能做主语) to other people is extremely (extremely) important, especially the business school students, they should not neglet (neglect) their academic performance but only focus on the pursuit of creating network and future career success.我觉得结尾句说的不好，有削弱作者观点的趋势。



总结：

1总体上还不错。虽然主体部分只有两段，但是逻辑和结构比较清晰。

2注意一下冠词的用法

3 doing做主语的句子有点多，试着变换一下句型。

4 最后就是结尾那句话换个说法，比如虽然学校学习比较重要但是人际关系更重要。