以下是引用deadknot在2009/9/12 0:53:00的发言：
这两天都在练习数学，直到今天才有机会再练一篇作文。我选了一篇环保题材的，正好最近看了不少环保题材的纪录片，肚子里自觉有些戏码，也举了一些例子。分了两个论点来写的。Mimi姐，不知道这样写是否合格？
题目：“It is unrealistic to expect individual nations to make, independently, the sacrifices necessary to conserve energy. International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.”
What will be the effective and necessary approach to conserve the world’s energy resources? The issue at hand is truly complex and controversial one. On one hand, as is well-known and has been advocated, the inernational leadership and cooperations is necessary. On the other hand, however, other prople may insist that individual nations should make sacrifice independently as well. The author shows strong preference to the former opinion based on the understanding that it would be too challenging for individual nations to make such sacrifice.
模板痕迹太重了，而且这个模板被用得太多了。我自己觉得我就是因为这个扣分的，所以请简化并修改一下，bring in something new to the opening. 我后来请托福作文就再也不这么写了。e.g.,
How to deal with the quick depletion of energy resources on the planet? This is no doubt one of the top-priority issues in front of all nations. Many nations have been making great sacrifice to conserve its energy resource independently. However, considering the highly globlized energy resource market and the huge challenges faced by individual nation, I believe that international coopperation is more critical to develop effective solutions in the future. The following discussion will help enrich and substantiate my point of views.
立论一：（当支持前者时使用）
I strongly agree with the author by recognizing the much more impacts that the international leadership and worldwide cooperation can achieve than the individual countries do.
立论二：（当两者都支持时使用）From my personal perspective, I would say both of the efforts from individual nations and worldwide cooperations are essential to conserve energy.
参见上一楼，只用一种形式，写到手熟。
论据一：（都可以用）The primary reason for me to advocate the international coorperations is the problem of uneven distribution. There’s an old saying that the world is round. But as we all know, the world’s deposits of energy resources are not evenly distributed to every part of the earth. Because of the uneven distribution of the world’s resources, there is not a single country in the world that is entirely self-sufficient. Thus, every country has to rely on other countries while being relied on by others for different energy resources. This fact along with different economic levels that exist in different countries, has made the problem of energy resourses more intricate. For example, Nigeria is the biggest oil export country in Africa, and yet 70% of the population lives under the poverty line. The same is true all over the globe: half the world’s poor live in resource-rich countries. Like many other major oil export countries, Nigeria does not consume so much oil, but it provides energy to millions of vehicles all around the world. Can we expect the countries like Nigeria will solve the problem independently? Obviously not, at least those major oil consume countries like The US and China should involve in those conservation plans and give support to poor countries.
Consequently, the international cooperation will be definitely important.
这两个立场都很好，相对新颖，也比较有力，例子也很好。
有几个重要但容易改进的地方，第一，你两段可以只举一个例子，否则会来不及写。另一个可以用说理、简单的小例子为主。第二，如果你不记得具体的事实、数字、国家名称怎么办，多攒一些形容词吧。第三最重要。你要记得每段的第一句话（最多第二句）一定很充分概括你的观点，而且能让人只读这一句话就能明白你的这一点如何证明了你的观点。但是现在，你的每段第一句看了让人不明白，要读到第二句、第三句，才发现这一个事实和你的总论点是什么关系。
举例：In the second place, conserving one kind of energy resource has to be complemented with exploring another renewable new energy.
改成：In the second place, conserving energy resources will inevitably lead to developing alternative renewable energy resources, a demanding task requiring for the joint efforts among many powerful countries.后半句就是为了紧扣主题。让人读完这句就知道你要说什么。你的论点一也有这个问题，uneven distribution, so what?
第一段这个问题更严重，因为读到最后，也不是很明白，你举出的事实到底与国际合作有什么直接关系？你要把话说透。为什么尼日利亚就不能保护能源了？如果它肯牺牲自己的出口贸易收入的话，它可以保护自己的资源。是因为其它能源消费大国太依赖它、逼迫它了？是因为它太穷了，无法make这种牺牲？无论是为什么，都没有说清楚。
改一下啊：First of all, many developing economies are so dependent on the exportation of their energy resources that the sacrifice of such revenue will be unaffordable for them without the international support. 然后你就说吧，分布不均、许多国家进出口量很大。尼日利亚举例70%是贫穷人口，它牺牲不起出口收入。（你可以补一句，而且全球市场对它依赖也很大，发达国家其它也不希望它不出口）。
或者：First of all, the effective preservation actions should involve both exploiting nations and consuming nations, which are usually not the same ones in the highly globalized market. 然后你就说吧。一些出口国，一些是消费国，消费国依赖、出口国要赚钱。如果国际社会能减少对能源的使用，采取别的方式支持尼日利亚的经济发展，就可以更好地支持尼日利亚保护它的资源。
这些你都提到了，但能没有点透。我觉得问题的关键还是在于尼日利亚太穷，否则逻辑不太通。
论据二：（支持论点一的时候使用）In the second place, conserving one kind of energy resource has to be complemented with exploring another renewable new energy. But exploring new energy is a complex work that needs huge amount of financial, technical and social resources. For example, the lately built wind farms off the Denmark that produce 20% of the country’s electricity, is funded by several countries, such as The US, China, India, Germany and spain… For my informations, these huge investments in renewable energy have already created over 2.5 million jobs in the world. And only with the help of these new technologies, countries will have more solid foundation to literally solve the resources problems. Conspicuously, without worlwide cooperations, these plans will never be accomplished. 这段就写得不错，但还是要能点题。你现在是：
第一句，要开发新资源
第二句，开发新能源需要很多资源
第三句，最近有国际合作
第四句，国际合作已经create了很多工作（这句啥关系啊？）
第五句，只有在新科技（前面并没有特意说科技）的基础上，才能解决问题
第六句，……
你看，说到第五句才点题。我们换一下：
第一句，保护能源要开发新能源，任务艰巨需要国际社会共同投入。
In the second place, conserving energy resources will inevitably lead to developing alternative renewable energy resources, a demanding task requiring for the joint efforts among many powerful countries.
第二句，具体说，需要什么什么样的资源（钱啊、技术啊、人才啊……）
第三到第六句不变。
语法小错误颇有一些。我就不一一细说了。你自己用SC检查一下啊。如果不能掌握，可以不用太复杂的句式。
结尾不错，可以适当多让步一两句。
论据三：（支持论点二的时候使用）But even the smallest country should not to ignore the individual efforts of conserving resources from every country itself, as most of the imortant natural energy resources are unrenewable. Each government has to act more positive and effective to protect their own resources from overexploitations. For example, the forests in South Korea have been devastated by war. But by implementing their national reforestation program, they once more cover 65% of the country. More than 75% of paper is recycled. Furthermore, it is not only the governments that should face and resolve the prolems of energy, but also each one of us as a human being should fight this problem. Because we are the people that cosume energies and we have the right to be a wiser consumer. If only we can reduce our fossil energy consumptions, economize on our daily resources, and choose energy efficient appliance, the chances for conserving energy resources will be much greater.
结论一：（支持论点一的时候使用）To summarize my opinion based on the above reasons, we may safely arrive in the conclusion that the approach of international leadership and cooperation is much more preferable. And it is not just a personal assumption, it is what the whole world is doing now. Most of the countries in the world have ratified the Kyoto Protocol to form a united nation framework convention on environmental protection.
结论二：（支持论点二的时候使用）To summarize my opinion based on the above reasons, we may safely arrive in the conclusion that the efforts from international cooperations and independent countries are equally important for conserving the energy resources.
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发表于 2009-9-13 17:48:00
楼主
感觉自己越写越像写检讨，难道小时候练的检讨模板还是阴魂不散？郁闷，模板真是无处不在啊。。。。
