写的作文，请大家狠狠批，谢谢（马上要考了）

huangxiuying

When faced with the discussion over whether financial gain is the most important factor in choosing a career different people hold different views due to their respect angles.Some peopole ,like the arguer of this statement,contend that financial gain is the  primary factor to consider,while others favored the opposite position.From my own perspective,whether one has advantage over the other depends  on the specific circumstance. In other words,I partially agree with the argument that financial gain is a important factor when choosing a career,at the same time I need to refute it because it suffers from some serious drawbacks .In the following analysis, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support the disscussion above.

 

For one thing,it must be pointed out that the author overstates financial asset’s comparative significance, and fail to take into account other essential factors. Frankly speaking, this assertion is also unwarranted .  I believe that the most compelling— is the author overlooked the the value of a human being, that is to say, as a person, we have our goal , Have our emotional finding jobs provide us a platform to achieve our aspiration.To give a desmonstration,Dalwnism once to be a prest,but he showed greatest interests in biology,he gave up his career and later traveled around the world to research a great many plants. Moreever,both common sense and our experience inform us that Under this circumstance enthusiasm  is the radical  thing we shuld consider.

 

For another, the good work condition and confortable relationships with workmates are also very crucial.As we know ,circumstance can impact  a person and his emotions to a large degree,if you don't satisfy you work conditon and are not in harmony with the other people around we may feel anxiety and disappointed and this can result low efficeint when working.I once worked in company,the workplace was very near to a highway and considerable noisy,everyday I feel tired and hope a serene office, this motivation was so strength that I change my job three months later.All the evidence demonstrates no doubt that financial gain is not the most fundamentalfactor in choosing a career.

 

Admittely,to some extent ,I agree with the author’s opinion since we do not live in a fairy tail ,we need to eat ,to live and so on.To be honest,without fainancial asset ,we can hardly subsist in the world.A good example maybe find is the poet Haizi who is a genius in poetry but do not possess the fundamental weaoth to live ,and at last he commited suicide. Under this circumstance, I and the author part company.

 

To sum up, on one hand  other than financial asset we have too many thing to appreciate,on the other hand seek  wealth and glory apporiately is necessary.Although due to the diverse culture that thousand individuals may hold thousand views,take into account the above reasons ,we may safely and undoubtly arrived the conclusion that financial gain is important factor when choosing a career but not the primary one .

huangxiuying

自己顶

甜甜圈儿

Some peopole ,like the arguer of this statement,contend that financial gain is the  primary factor to consider,while others favored the opposite position.

不知说的对不对啊~MM参考着听~

语法中不是有一条说like不能用于举例，要用such as 吗？这里的情况用like是不是不太好？

还有个人觉得还是少用模版为好，一战用了很多模版分也不高却没太多地方写论证过程...这次准备几乎不用完整的一句和文章没关系的模版。

huangxiuying

甜甜圈儿MM好细心，谢谢哦

本来准备了一个从qiqi那里改的模板，没想到那个模板都用烂了，只好换了，我觉得好像模板用的也太多o(∩_∩)o...，我还没有和GMAC交锋过，请教一下MM，是不是现在写作文全部都要自己写了，我写的这篇大概能的多少分？谢谢MM啊

huangxiuying

自己顶

huangxiuying

是不是因为写的太差啦，大家都不看啊，自己顶

dianecarton

那个破折号用的不对，插入语太多了。此外，逗号后要空格，楼主怎么逗号前空格呢？ 觉得总能找到东拼西凑滥模板的影子，不过如果电脑不认为是抄袭的话，这篇至少能弄个4.5分吧。

纽约客

    

那就试着就第一段谈点看法吧：

When faced
with discussion over whether financial gain is the most important factor in
choosing a career, different people hold different views due to their respect
angles. ((建议删掉when faced with..,改为regarding..,因为通常when faced with后接some challenges or a certain
situation. 另外，建议删掉different, 啰嗦。
        还有，due to 通常意思是指caused by  或attributed to, 一般不指because of)

    

Some peopole
,like the arguer of this statement, contend that financial gain is the 
primary factor to consider, while others favored the opposite position. （like不严谨，建议用such as.。
        另外，favored语法错误，应用一般现在时。此外，favor the opposite position 不如take the opposite position好）

    

From my own
perspective, whether one has advantage over the other depends on the
specific circumstance. In other words, I partially agree with the argument that
financial gain is a  important factor
when choosing a career,at the same time I need to refute it because it suffers
from some serious drawbacks .In the following analysis, I would like to reason
and provide evidence to support the disscussion above. （逻辑不严谨甚多。首先，第一句中one, the other 指代不清，看来是指两种观点。其次，when choosing a career的逻辑主语不知是谁；第三，at the same time不是连词，需要用连词连接前后两个句子。第四，”I need to refute it because it..”中it 指外清。另外,小误法错误：an important.

    

建议至少改成：From my perspective, whether one viewpoint has
advantage over the other depends on the specific situation.  While I partially agree with the argument
that financial gain is a primary factor when one chooses a career, I am deeply
troubled by its overly broad implication as well as the intrinsic logic flaws,
which I will discuss in turn below. 好像写得也不好，大致是这个意思。既然是模板，其中有些词需要替换
             ）

纽约客

    

“To sum up, on one hand  other than financial asset we
have too many thing to appreciate,on the other hand seek  wealth and glory
apporiately is necessary.Although due to the diverse culture that thousand
individuals may hold thousand views,take into account the above reasons ,we may
safely and undoubtly arrived the conclusion that financial gain is important
factor when choosing a career but not the primary one”

    

本段语法错误比较多，所以，我主要以改动语法错误为主，兼顾改动一下用词和结构，可大致改动如下。当然，我也水平不高，仅供参考。建议写作时，注意少犯特别低级的语法错误：

    

To sum up,
on the one hand, there are a lot more things other than financial asset for
people to go for.  On the other hand, the
pursuit of wealth and prominence is part of human nature and thus well
justified. Although one thousand individuals, because of their diverse cultural
background, may hold one thousand views, we, taking into account the above
reasoning, may safely reach the conclusion that financial gain is an important
factor, rather than a primary one, when one chooses a career. 

    

主要语法错误：

    

1. Should be
“on the one hand”.

    

2. “too many
things to do” sounds more negative, rather than positive.

    

3.  “seek wealth and glory” cannot be used as the
subject, and should be changed either to “ to seek wealth and glory” or “
seeking wealth and glory”.  By the
way,  “glory” is easily to be misused. So
I replaced it with “prominence”, which more emphasizes the pursuit of “fame and
importance”.

    

4. “Although
due to…”: first, “although” should be followed by a clause; second, “due to”
basically means “caused by” or “attributed to”, as I pointed out in my previous
post, and should be replaced with “because of”.

    

5.  “thousand individuals may hold thousand views”:
first, it is Chinglish.  Second,  if you still want to use this expression, at
least it should be revised as: thousands of individuals may hold thousands of
views, or one thousand individuals may hold one thousand views.

    

6.  If “take into account” is modifying we, it
should be changed to “taking into account”. 
Otherwise, it is a grammar mistake.

    

7. The last sentence,
which contained a couple of grammar mistakes, is awkward. Please see the
revised one. 

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-8-13 3:54:52编辑过]

纽约客

    

“To sum up, on one hand  other than financial asset we
have too many thing to appreciate,on the other hand seek  wealth and glory
apporiately is necessary.Although due to the diverse culture that thousand
individuals may hold thousand views,take into account the above reasons ,we may
safely and undoubtly arrived the conclusion that financial gain is important
factor when choosing a career but not the primary one”

    

本段语法错误比较多，所以，我主要以改动语法错误为主，兼顾改动一下用词和结构，可大致改动如下。当然，我也水平不高，仅供参考。建议写作时，注意少犯特别低级的语法错误。

    

主要语法错误：

    

1. Should be
“on the one hand”.

    

2. “too many
things to do” sounds more negative, rather than positive.

    

3.  “seek wealth and glory” cannot be used as the
subject, and should be changed either to “ to seek wealth and glory” or “
seeking wealth and glory”.  By the
way,  “glory” is easily to be misused. So
I replaced it with “prominence”, which more emphasizes the pursuit of “fame and
importance”.

    

4. “Although
due to…”: first, “although” should be followed by a clause; second, “due to”
basically means “caused by” or “attributed to”, as I pointed out in my previous
post, and should be replaced with “because of”.

    

5.  “thousand individuals may hold thousand views”:
first, it is Chinglish.  Second,  if you still want to use this expression, at
least it should be revised as: thousands of individuals may hold thousands of
views, or one thousand individuals may hold one thousand views.

    

6.  If “take into account” is modifying we, it
should be changed to “taking into account”. 
Otherwise, it is a grammar mistake.

    

7. The last sentence,
which contained a couple of grammar mistakes, is awkward. Please see the
revised one. 

    

Here is the
one I have revised:

    

To sum up, on the one hand, there are
a lot more things other than financial asset for people to go for.  On the other hand, the pursuit of wealth and prominence
is part of human nature and thus well justified. Although one thousand individuals,
because of their diverse cultural background, may hold one thousand views, we,
taking into account the above reasoning, may safely reach the conclusion that
financial gain is an important factor, rather than a primary one, when one
chooses a career.