哪位大侠来帮我点评一下我的文章，哪里需要改进

leroyshi

帮忙看一下，我是按照托福作文模板写的，大概得多少分，哪里需要改，不胜感激

Topico you agree or disagree with the following statement? Successful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they’ve done well.

 

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea of which successful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they’ve done well meanwhile others prefer to the opposite idea that successful people prefer to take things that they’ve done well. I think, it is ridiculous to say successful people are more likely to take new things and risks.

 

It looks reasonable that successful people like to take new things because they are more innovative and brave, but I take the position that successful people like to be succeed, but they hate risks even more. A successful people should know how to gain more profit or market share on the thing that they have done well and with little risk. It was said by Warren Buffet:” First, keep money safe. Second, keep money safe. Third, obey the first and the second law.”

 

The argument I support in the first paragraph is also in a position of advantage. As we know, successful people become successful mostly by using their knowledge and effort, they are experts in their own field, so they take fewer risks than normal people. Bill Gates is a good example, he is an expert in software, and he became successful without risk.

 

Although I agree that there are few people succeeded by taking new things and taking risks, but most of the risk takers failed in the end. As we know, Information Technology is a high-risk field. According to the recent survey conducted by Nanjing
                    University, A percentage of astonishingly 60% of the IT companies failed in only 2 years, and 71% failed in less than 5 years.

 

In a word, there is no evidence show that successful people like to take new things and take risks, yet they gain success by using knowledge and making efforts in their own fields. So it is sagacious to support the statement that successful people take the thing that they’ve done well rather than new things and risks.

sfy

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea of which successful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they’ve done well meanwhile others prefer to the opposite idea that successful people prefer to take(taking) things that they’ve done well. I think, it is ridiculous(语气有点重，改成incorrect)cessful people are more likely to take new things and risks.（开头有点摸板化，建议作者采用shocking statement开头，即开头进行一段细节描写或事例开头后名人名言：

（Not satisfied with the wisdom he possesses, Confucius set off to visit seven independent states for the sake of accessing knowledge during the Spring-Autumn times of ancient China. Today, the majority of Chinese people adores the great man not only for his philosophical thoughts but also for his virtue of sticking to the things he has done well throughout his life. Which, at least it seems to me, is of upmost importance for a successful man.）
                

 

It looks(sounds) reasonable that successful people like to take new things because(considering) they are more innovative and brave, but I take the position that successful people like to be succeed, but（逻辑混乱,怎么会同时出现两个but?） they hate risks even more. A successful people should know how to gain more profit or market share on the thing that they have done well and with little risk. It was said by Warren Buffet:” First, keep money safe. Second, keep money safe. Third, obey the first and the second law.”(在引用名言时注意不要自己杜撰，特别是外国人的，如果被识破就丑大了。)

(Reasonable may it sounds, the successful people might be inclined to explore new fields considering their innovative character. However, fewer the risk, better the situation.especially in the enconomic circle. Every merchants have the preference of high profits with little risk, and oftentimes new things might be regarded worthless. Just as Warren Buffet remarks:………)

 

The argument I support in the first paragraph is also in a position of advantage. As we know, successful people become successful mostly by using their knowledge and effort, they are experts in their own field, so they take fewer risks than normal people. Bill Gates is a good example, he is an expert in software, and he became successful without risk.

 (这个body paragraph 不好，并且会拖累全篇文章的分数。建议改成以下文字：

Another comforts one might take if he/she determined to pursuit the goals he/she familiarize with might evident: few people could match him/her when it comes to the expertise of the field. Bill Gate with his software gaint Microsoft, for instance, has profoundly prospered largely due to the  high-tech computer skill Bill Gate excels. Imagine he lack the ability to develop BASIC as well as DOS in his youth, how could he achieve such a huge success anyway?)

Although I agree that there are few people succeeded by taking new things and taking risks, but most of the risk takers failed in the end. As we know,(上文已经用了一次，这里就不要再用了，换成As it is known to all) Information Technology is a high-risk field. According to the recent survey conducted by Nanjing
                    University, A percentage of astonishingly 60% of the IT companies failed in only 2 years, and 71% failed in less than 5 years.

( Anyhow, we could not conceal the fact that some people indeed realize their ambitions by taking new things. However among the people who take risks, the failed occupy the majority. In the Information Technology field,which is known for it high risk, a percentage of astoundingly 60% of IT companies bankcrupt for various factors in only two years, and 71% emerged in less than 5
            years.)

In a word, there is no evidence show that successful people like to take new things and take risks,（太绝对，你只是倾向于某一方面，不能完全否定另一方面，如果非要绝对化，必须要有充足的论据在body段里面） yet they gain success by using knowledge and making efforts in their own fields. So it is sagacious（用得好） to support the statement that successful people take the thing that they’ve done well rather than new things and risks.

文章的弱点在于body部分，有两个方面：

1.逻辑有点不清晰，比如两个but。造成这个现象的原因大概是作者在行文之前没有较完善的提纲，一般在托福考试中，考生都应花5分钟左右的时间列提纲，具体细节参见蓝色的Delta上的作文版块，对做笔记大有帮助。

2.字数不够，论述也有一定欠缺，作者列出数据和名言都是很好的，但具体的论述句很少。In general, 一个body段落的论述句在5至7句左右为好。

heiyihou

哈哈

sfy　果然是你一贯改作文的作风

leroyshi

感谢点评