Another: 请高人指点，帮忙改作文，谢谢！

sunnypath

To buy a house or a business? 

Since I am working in one of the largest cities in China, Shanghai, whose house price maintains extremely high and increases fast, I would like to buy a house, rather than a business, for the benefit of my family and myself if I have enough money.

Firstly, buying a house is a beginning of a stable life, which is the dream of most people in China. Since China is enduring the biggest reformation of civilization and economy, more and more young people start working in large cities. Automatically, they would like to have their own house in the working cities and live a stable and happy life with the spouse and their offsprings. However, locations of habitation are limited resources in those large cities and the house prices are acceleratingly going more and more highly. The reports and news about the fast ascending price of houses in Chinese cities influenced significantly all citizens. Young people, who are main new migrants into the cities, pay the most attention to the house prices, especially for those waiting for buying a house and getting married. Generally, a pair of young couples have to work hard for 3 to 8 years to save enough money and pay the first 30% of their new house if they are without any help funds from parents. To buy a house is also my dream of life. If I have enough money, I will buy a wonderful house without any doubt.

Secondly, buying a house, compared to buying a business, is more comparable with my view of life. Obviously, the one who buys own business will start working as a leader or a boss of his/her business, which means more hard working, more heavy responsibility, more busy lifestyles. Nevertheless, my goal of life is not that of the businessmen. I would like to make efforts on the scientific investigation of the my major. I would like to live a happy and leisure life with my family. I want to share more happiness with my children during their growing up. Or they will become adult men or women before I have time to play with them. The choice of buying a house or a business reflects one’s goal of life. Clearly, the last one does not lead to my dream of life.

Buying and running a business may bring money if the leader work hard and manages wisely and smartly. Yet the unavoidable risk of losing money should not be ignored. Therefore, I will choose to buy my own house and live a peacefuly life with my family if one day I have enough amount of money. I wish that day would come soon.

 

 

 

 

Paragraph 1: I did not see there is a clear cause-effect relation between high housing price in SH and your argument.
Line2 of aragraph 2: "reform" instead of "reformation" etc.
Most of the sentences in aragraph 2 are not supporting "buying a house is the beginning of a stable life". You should try to convince us how important housing is to everyone.
Paragraph 3 and 4 are generally fine. 

To buy a house or a business? 

Since I am working in one of the largest cities in China, Shanghai, whose house price maintains extremely high and increases fast, I would like to buy a house, rather than a business, to live a stable life with my family if I have enough money.

Firstly, working for buying a house is the dream of most people in China, including me. To buy a new house, most young couples who have just started working in large cities in China, have to work hard for 5 to 10 years or longer, to save enough money and pay the first 30% of their new house because locations of habitation are limited resources in those large cities and the house prices are acceleratingly ascending. During the several years of saving money, young people hire apartment, where no one feel as comfortable and safe as at home. Factually tenants are neither capable of making fitments to the hired houses, nor could they buy as much as large furniture or decorate the rooms as they like.Also, tenants cannot regard the hired house as home and they are under the risk of having to move out because the host of apartment has the definite right to claim a higher rent or to sell the house out. So undoubtedly, I will buy a house to get the basic safe and stable feeling in my working city.

Secondly, buying a house, compared to buying a business, is more comparable with my view of life. Obviously, the one who buys own business will start working as a leader or a boss of his/her business, which means more hard working, more heavy responsibility, more busy lifestyles. Nevertheless, I would like to make efforts on the scientific investigation of my major rather than to handle with business and the intercommunication. Also, I would like to live a happy and leisure life with my family, especially with my children during their growing up. Or they will become adult men or women before I have time to play with them. The benefit of buying a house outweighs the satisfaction that business can make. So I prefer the family house to the business.

Finally buying and running a business may bring money if the leader work hard and manages wisely and smartly. Yet the unavoidable risk of losing money should not be ignored. Therefore, I will choose to buy my own house and live a peaceful life with my family if one day I have enough amount of money.