[求助]第三篇作文, TWE005 德克的猪评一下吧(已修改)

Patience

感觉复合句很难写.有什么改进的办法?看了两个模版写的文章,还是觉得语言组织不好.

005 题目:

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

我的作文:

我的作文:

我的作文:

我的作文:

我的作文:

我的作文:

Currently, the announcement of a company’s plan of building a large factory near our community has caused intense debate among us. Personally, I absolutely (utterly, completely, radically, entirely) devote my support to the idea of building a large factory near our community. My reasons are illustrated as follows:

Some people consider building a factory near our community invariably initiate pollution. These people point out the fact that mass production will cause waste water, waste material dumped into community. Tranquil life is going to be ruined by noise that accompanies production. They also argue that the accumulation of pollution definitely place a serious damage to the environment of our community.

However, other people like me stand on a very different ground; they believe that building a factory near community certainly improve employment rate. They firmly point out that a multitude of unemployed dwellers could find a job and thus their families increase life standard for they have more money to spend on food, clothing, entertainment, leisure which will contribute to economic growth. In addition, increase on individual and corporate income promises increasing tax revenue on local government. With sufficient financial capacity, infrastructure and other significant development plans could be brought into implementation which could benefit community dwellers. Government is able to allot part of revenue to hire environmental experts and purchase high tech facilities to tackle waste and reduce pollution. Furthermore, areas close to the factory will appeal more investment project like restaurants, stores, hotels, and real estates that accompanies with the growing population.

In conclusion, building a large factory is instrumental rather than unfavorable to our community. Concern of environmental pollution could be resolved with the usage of up to date technology. With the promise of increasing economic income and improved life standard, we have every reason to build a factory near our community as soon as possible.

Patience

大家使劲批吧.德克的猪给我看看吧.

三天来每天都发一篇,只有MI网友给我改了开头.

还是我这种文章已经无可收药了,没人想改了....

德克的猪

其实不是这样的，主要是写作区比较荒芜，

你完全可以发到iBT区上去的。

德克的猪

Currently(我个人觉得currently是一个比较大的时间概念,它用来指代现当今这个概念是可以的,但是,这里最好还是用recently比较的好), the announcement of a company’s plan of building a large factory near our community has caused intense debate among us(这个句子是废话.最好不要.开头的方式最好不要简单的复述题目,因为那样会被归结为模版写作.). Personally, I absolutely (utterly, completely, radically, entirely) devote my support to the idea of building a large factory near our community.(到这里,你的introduction结束,我要说的是:这样的开头方式太老套,模版味道很重,最好不要用.我在iBT区上有写作的帖子,说过开头应该如何开,最好是提供background information式的开头,这个开头是万能的经典开头,你必须掌握.) My reasons are illustrated as follows:

 

Some people consider building a factory near our community invariably initiate(单数形式) pollution. These people point out the fact that mass production will cause waste water, waste material dumped into community. Tranquil life is going to be ruined by noise that accompanies production(And accompanies the process of production, the tranquil life in our neighborhood will, inevitably, become part of our memory.). They also argue that the accumulation of pollution (will) definitely place a serious damage to the environment of our community.

 

However, other people like me stand on a very different ground(stand on ground这种说法我不肯定,可以说view this project in a fairly different way.当然,如果你那个用法是有依据的,那就完全可以用.); they(I/We) believe that building a factory near community certainly improve employment rate(你这里需要阐明how to improve employment rate.这个很重要,不然你的论述就是空洞的) (However, other residents including me view this project in a fairly different way. The erection/construction of a factory which need labors and the factory which is operated by a considerable number of workers itself, a multitude of us believe, will indubitably provide many unemployed dwellers with a platform for job hunting. )They firmly point out that a multitude of unemployed dwellers could find a job(复数) and thus their families increase life standard for they have more money to spend on food, clothing, entertainment, leisure which will contribute to economic growth. In addition, increase on individual and corporate income promises increasing tax revenue on local government(这个点可能扯远了点,最好还是主要围绕着factory写). With sufficient financial capacity, infrastructure and other significant development plans could be brought into implementation which could benefit community dwellers. Government is able to allot part of revenue to hire environmental experts and purchase high tech facilities to tackle waste and reduce pollution. Furthermore, areas close to the factory will appeal more investment project like restaurants, stores, hotels, and real estates that accompanies with the growing population (这个段落有几个层次,可以把他们分为不同的段落.毕竟一个段落,至少看上去,没有分开的几个段落的那样分明.)

 

In conclusion, building a large factory is instrumental rather than unfavorable to our community. Concern of environmental pollution could be resolved with the usage of up to date technology. With the promise of increasing economic income and improved life

 

你的名词的单复数和动词的单复数的使用,还不是很好,需要注意.

论述的精髓是,比如:你说A很好,你提出了X这个理由来支持A很好,但是,你的论述不可以就这么结束,你需要说明X这个优点,是如何在A的基础上产生的.就如同你刚刚写的那个:工厂会提供就业机会.这当然是修工厂的一个好处,但是,你就写到这里就结束了.为了使你的论述充分,你还需要说明:工厂是如何提供就业机会的-通过工厂的建设和在各个岗位的人员需求来提供.这样论述就完整了.

Patience

十分感谢德克的猪。我一会儿再去把文章修改一下。

Patience

改了一下.再次感谢德克的猪.

My community, which is located in a remote area, mainly depends on farming as its main industry. When drought or flooding attacks here, however, crops invariably being devastated, and most of community dwellers lose income resource all of a sudden, for this reason, multitudes of young man leave hometown to look for a stable job. From my perspective, building a new factory near our community may greatly alleviate our anxiety on livelihood. (开头看了李笑来的题库写的,是不是background information?)

 

 

The construction of the factory requires a great deal of labor and the factory which is operated by a considerable number of workers, I believe, will indubitably provide local unemployed dwellers with a platform of job opportunities. Those young men who were compelled to work outside for scarce employment availability in hometown now can return and work locally.  Farmers who used to rely on agriculture harvest as major earning channel, now could have a consistent income if secure a job in the factory. Life standard will be improving for people are able to spend more money on food, clothing, entertainment, and leisure, which is another contribution to economy.

 

 

In addition, our community has a chance to be fully developed by building a factory close by. For areas close to the factory will appeal other investment projects: restaurants, houses to serve factory workers; roads, highways to ease transportation; Hotels to accommodate investor, and business men. Various entertaining industries such as bars, theatres, sports center coming to community to enrich daily life.

 

 

Furthermore, a new factory means tax revenue for local government; thus infrastructure could be perfected and other significant developing plan will be implemented with financial support.

 

 

Some people point out that building a factory near our community may initiate pollution. These people point out the fact that mass production will cause waste water and waste material dumped into community. And accompanied the process of production, the tranquil life in our neighborhood will, inevitably, become part of our memory. They also argue that the accumulation of pollution definitely place a serious damage to community environment. However, by hiring environmental experts and applying high tech, pollution can be controlled and even resolved.

 

 

Taking into account the dire need of stable economic resource, building a large factory is instrumental rather than unfavorable to our community. With the promise of increasing economic income and improved life standard, we have every reason to build a factory near community as soon as possible.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 13:57:19编辑过]

wenquan2005

匆匆看了一下前两段

Currently, the announcement of a company’s plan of building a large factory near our community has caused intense debate among us. Personally, I absolutely (utterly, completely, radically, entirely) devote my support to the idea of building a large factory near our community(from the view of ~~~). My reasons are illustrated as follows: （句型有些太简单）

Some people consider building a factory near our community invariably initiate pollution. These people point out the fact that (the)mass production will cause(amounts of) waste water, waste material dumped into community(which will  to harm to the enviroment around ) Tranquil life is going to be ruined by noise that accompanies production. They also argue that the accumulation of pollution definitely place a serious damage to the environment of our community. (最后一句是各个重复)_

guolinwen

My community, which is located in a remote area, mainly depends on farming as its main industry. When drought or flooding attacks here, however, crops invariably being devastated, and most of community dwellers lose income resource all of a sudden, for this reason, multitudes of young man leave hometown to look for a stable job. From my perspective, building a new factory near our community may greatly alleviate our anxiety on livelihood. (开头看了李笑来的题库写的,是不是background information this background information is a bit away from your opinon, although it looks related

 The construction of the factory requires a great deal of labor and the factory which is operated by a considerable number of workers, I believe, will indubitably provide local unemployed dwellers with a platform(an edge) of job opportunities(the structure here is not for sure right). Those young men who were compelled to work outside for scarce employment availability in hometown(of hometown for other employment possibilities) now can return and work locally.  Farmers who used to rely on agriculture harvest as major earning channel, now could have a consistent income if secure a job in the factory. Life standard(quality) will be improving(ed) for people who are able to spend more money on food, clothing, entertainment, and leisure, which is another contribution to economy.

Some people point out that building a factory near our community may initiate pollution. These people point out the fact that mass production will cause waste water and waste material(s) dumped into community. And (since) accompanied (with) the process of production, the tranquil life in our neighborhood will, inevitably, become part of our memory. They also argue that the accumulation of pollution definitely place(s) a serious damage to community environment. However, by hiring environmental experts and applying high tech, pollution can be controlled and even resolved. (spend more on describing your own points) 

Some people point out that building a factory near our community may initiate pollution. These people point out the fact that mass production will cause waste water and waste material(s) dumped into community. And (since) accompanied (with) the process of production, the tranquil life in our neighborhood will, inevitably, become part of our memory. They also argue that the accumulation of pollution definitely place(s) a serious damage to community environment. However, by hiring environmental experts and applying high tech, pollution can be controlled and even resolved. (spend more on describing your own points) 

Taking into account the dire need of stable economic resource, building a large factory is instrumental rather than unfavorable to our community. With the promise of increasing economic income and improved life standard, we have every reason to build a factory near community as soon as possible.

this is very good conclusion.

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-1-24 7:02:56编辑过]

小添

As
protesters,there are some people asserting (point out )that building a
factory nearby(near our community) may ruin the environment (initiates
pollution). To support their forecast,they(These people) employed a good
many of facts about what happened in neighbor village to show (of point
out ) the high possibilty(因为建厂是还没发生的事情，污染的事实也并没发生，因此把污染作为一种可能性更严谨一些。)of
environment
catastrophe,for example,the wasted water contaminated the
pure river,the impurity of air generated a large group of nosal desease
sufferers,and the discarded producing materials also damaged the
landscape——the greenness and order had gone and the whole community
were taken over by colorlessness and messes.(  fact that mass
production will cause waste water and waste material dumped into
community. And accompanied the process of production)Moreover,they
also argue that up-growing immigrants are going to disturb the
regularly
tranquil life of original residents.(the tranquil life
in our neighborhood will, inevitably, become part of our memory. )(
the accumulation of pollution definitely place a
serious damage to community environment.) However, to me, these
problems can be properly controlled by experts and  hi-tech devices to
an extent that rarely harm.(by hiring
environmental experts and applying high tech, pollution can be
controlled and even resolved.)

As
protesters,there are some people asserting that building a
factory nearby may ruin the environment. To support their forecast,they employed a good
many of facts about what happened in neighbor village to show the high possibiltyof
environmental catastrophe,for example,the wasted water contaminated the
pure river,the impurity of air generated a large tribe of nosal desease
sufferers,and the discarded manufacture materials also damaged the
landscape——the greenness and order had gone and the whole community were taken over by colorlessness and messes. Moreover,they
also argue that up-growing immigrants are going to disturb the regularly
tranquil life of original residents. However, to me, these
problems can be properly controlled by experts,hi-tech devices and effective governing to
an extent that scarcely harm.

[此贴子已经被作者于2009-7-2 3:46:09编辑过]

小添

Taking
into account the dire need of stable economic resource, building a
large factory is instrumental rather than unfavorable to our community.
With the promise of increasing economic income and improved life
standard, we have every reason to build a factory near community as
soon as possible.

By
taking into account comparably the advantage and disadvantage  a large
factory may bring about,I definitely hold that,the factory is due for
our community,and I have a stong hope that both the economy and
environment will be benefited.
因为题目是问“Do you support or oppose",所以这里明确表示个人态度可能较好。

[此贴子已经被作者于2009-7-2 3:19:11编辑过]