发一篇作文，大家帮忙看看

lindenwxl

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-2 20:18:00的发言：

最好不信

终于等到德克了，实在是头疼写作，这是第一篇作文，写得很痛苦。但是不知道问题在哪，应该往哪个方向努力。

德克的猪

帮你改改

lindenwxl

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-2 20:24:00的发言：

帮你改改

谢谢啦

德克的猪

Given enough money, I would like to buy a house instead of purchasing a business. Although there are appealing advantages of purchasing a business, I feel that the benefits of buying a house are huger. (开门见山这种写法,我觉得太过于直接.开头最好是从general到specific,就是用覆盖范围比较大的几句话渐渐过渡到你要说的主题,比如:Money, as no doubt, is the one of the key words of time. Given enough money, a multitude of us will, with no hesitation, utilize it to start a business in the thirst of making more money. Well, it is undeniable that running a business has its own merits, but I still adhere to my perspective-using the money to purchase a house.)

 
                    

(要有连接的词,比如:For one thing)There is big risk when purchasing a business(if we buy a business). Nearly fifty percent of the businesses fail in their first year(用这样的数据,需要有出处,不然就不真实了,你可以捏造,比如:According to the latest survey of Ministry of Finance, in our country, nearly next to fifty percent of the businesses fail to survive<这里夸张点> in the first year.). Compared to such a
         high probability of failures, buying a house is much safer.(这里你要把为什么much safer的具体原因说出来,而不能够粗略的带过,不然就是develop得不好,缺乏说服力,这个你一定要注意,这里可以说buy a business是venture capital,风险投资)
          Although sometimes the house needs some repairs, much of these can be achieved by one’s own. And by careful selecting the house, big repairs can be avoided for many years(这里的主语应该和前面被省略的一致,所以应该改为ne can avoid big repairs of house,不然就是有语病的).
         

 
                    

(What is more/in addition/for another)Buying a house is also a wise investment. What kind of business makes the most profit now? It definitely is real estate. With the increasing number of population, housing has become a serious problem, especially in big cities where there is a dense population
         (which have a dense population.). The house price has been up(been soaring) for many years in China(最好不要暴露国籍)
          even though the government has tried to put it down(suppress its frantic increase). In the years onward, house prices would most probably continue to go up. So(最好不要用so,这里可以说In the light of such a current situation, if one  buys a house, indubitably, s/he will earn a great deal of money via selling it when the price reaches a new peak) if one buys a house, he can earn a great deal of money by selling it when the price goes up.
                        

 
                    

Additionally, you
         (one) do not have to rent others’ house after purchasing a house, which means that you(s/he) can save the rent. In big cities such as Beijing and Shanghai(New York, Tokyo and Shanghai最好不要暴露国籍), the rent is usually very(outrageously,这个词可以用来形容价格的high.我要提醒的是:不要用very/nowadays/firstly/I think/in my opinion.) high. My friend,
         for example, has recently rented a small room in
                            Beijing. The rent costs him 152 dollars a month, which is equal to the average wages of many workers in our country. Therefore, when(if表示假设) we have our own houses, we can really save a lot of money(a considerable sum of money,一笔客观的钱). In fact, we can even earn some money by renting a spare room of the house.

 
                    

In conclusion, I think it is a better idea to buy a house instead of purchasing a business. If one chooses to buy a house, he(s/he) can avoid the risk of loss in business(s/he can be saved a great deal of money and the potential misery which might be triggered by a failure in the business world),
                        (两个句子连接要用and)he can make a profit by selling a house, and he can save the money for rents and can even earn some money by renting it to others.

 

我觉得,you have a long way to go
                    

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-2 21:02:34编辑过]

wangjinyang

从判卷标准我来说下你的作文.当然,具体的语法什么的词汇的其他同志已经给你改了.我看了看,基本差不多.

第一.这篇文章的结构还是比较清楚,观点比较明确.而且首段和尾段都有点题.

第二.语句比较通顺.尽管会有一些语法错误,和动词和介词之间搭配的问题(这个问题,自己稍微注意一下)

第三.句式的多样性做的有些欠缺.此篇文章里面只有普通句,和定语从句.(应该多增加一些句式的多样性,比如倒装,现在和过去分词,虚拟语气,强调句型等等.)

第四.词汇上来讲,感觉有一些平庸.但其实也还是可以的.只是,如果想得高分,整篇文章应该至少出现几处亮点,用一些比较好的而且准确的所谓的难词)

第五.连词的使用.还是不错的.但是可以再多使用一些.而且楼主,注意下连词的替换.不用总用THEREFORE,我们可以用SO,HENCE,INEVITABLLY,AS A RESULT,IN A NUT SHELL,等等 还有就是其它一些词重复太多了.比如你的那个ALTHOUGH......,.......句式用的太多了,而且太密集了吧.第一段和第二段都是这种结构.这样不太好.会显得你的语言运用比较贫瘠,所以最好叉开. (建议! 长短句,要错落有秩的使用.)

另外，开门见山的写法是老外喜欢看的．这也是中国和外国人的不同．

中国人就爱上来先饶饶饶然后最后到点上．而老外就是喜欢你开门见山．然后逻辑清晰

 以上就是本人自己的一些看法.其实总体上来讲,还是可以的.但是一些细节问题,你应该加以重视.因为你文章里面出现的小错误太多了^_^ 比如 应该是THERE IS A BIG RISK 你就把A给丢了. 这些都是很致命的喔.  不过我刚才看了下那个什么德克给你改的.可能每个人的看法不同吧.我其实不是很欣赏他改的.但是有些地方他改的还是对的．　我就不累赘了．　希望对你有用．

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-2 21:15:48编辑过]

德克的猪

老外上TOEFL课,也要求用从general到specific的方法来开头.

in a nut shell这样烂俗的说法,最好不用

老外和中国人写议论文最大的区别是:中国人喜欢抽象论述,老外喜欢事例证明.并非直接和间接.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-2 21:22:56编辑过]

lindenwxl

其实这篇文章是从李笑来的185作文改过来的，因为是初学，所以很烂是必然的。我的词汇使用能力极烂。可惜不能把笑来老师的作文传上来，让大家评一下

德克的猪

难怪不得如此的ordinary

德克的猪

告别TWE185吧```

胡敏的,还有那个什么新TOEFL高分作文都可以了````````

这么烂的文章,都敢放书上

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-2 21:52:01编辑过]

lindenwxl

呵呵，觉得还可以吧。可能你和他的类型不同。你比较注重词汇的漂亮