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德克的猪

TOPIC: Work with a group of people or work independently

(这个是作者的原文)

  Whether should we work with a group as a team or work in dependently? I have to admit that is a tough choice. Some people tremendously emphasize the significance of cooperation. numerous people, however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability can not be neglected..after a serious thinking ,I believe that the appliance of them depend on difference circumstances.

for many cases, teamwork is more important than working independently.To give a demonstration, many documents or projects of corporation,as is well- known to everyone, are so complicated and time-consuming, if project is done merely by one person, it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate as the teamwork. Moreover the careless mistake made by individual may give rise to a adverse perhaps a catastrophic result which cause the corporation losing vast amount of money,even the reputation.nevertheless, working as a team can avoid such disastrous problems. Because the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertise, budget and management.due to this, they can make a better one.

On the other hand, there also are reverse cases. In many crucial moment working independently ,as is a case in point, can help the team win the victory. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player , provide us a situation mentioned above..Before the end of last game of the NBA finals against the jazz in the 1997-1998 season, Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with others, he played at a level. Then he made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed a 87-86 victory and won his sixth NBA championship.

Consequently as you see it is extremely hard to conclude which is or important.work with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

德克的猪

Editing Marks(这个是老外的修改)

 

Should people Whether should we
                    work with a group as a team or work in
                    dependently? I have to admit that is a tough choice. Some people tremendously emphasize the importancesignificance of cooperation. Othernumerous people
                , however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability shouldcan not be neglected.
                .after a serious thinking ,I believe that the decision whether to work with a group or work independentlyappliance of them depends on thedifference circumstances.

for manyIn most cases, teamwork is more applicableimportant than working independently.
                For example,To give a demonstration,
            themany documents or projects of a corporation,as is well- known to everyone, are usuallyso complicated and time-consuming.,
            Iif a project is done merely by one person,person;
            a lot of time may be wasted to complete the project.it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate as the teamwork. Moreover,
            athe careless mistake made by an individual may give rise to an adverse perhaps a catastrophic result which can cause a loss for the the corporation and damage itslosing vast amount of money,even the reputation as well. Howevernevertheless, problems such as these can be avoided by working as a teamworking as a team can avoid such disastrous problems. Because
            tThe whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertisinge, budget and management. .Consequently, people will be assigned to various tasks in each part of the project. The project can then be completed more quickly and systematically.due to this, they can make a better one.

On the other hand, there are alsoalso are reverse cases where working independently is more suitable. Sometimes, iIn amany crucial moment, working independently ,as is a case in point, can lead ahelp the team towin the victory. Michael Jordan, athe greatest basketball player
                    , provides us a situation mentioned above.
                .Before the end of the last game of the NBA finals against the Jjazz in the 1997-1998 season, Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with his teamothers.,
            Hhe played at his owna level. Then
            Hhe made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed an 87-86 victory and won him his sixth NBA championship.

Consequently as you seeAs can be seen above, it is extremely hard to conclude which method of working is moreor
            logicalimportant. I therefore conclude
                that working with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

 

Editing Comments(老外的评价)

 

       You were able to give sufficient and relevant examples for your stated reasons. Your position was clear but your errors clouded the overall coherence of your essay. First, your opening statement was unfocused. You have to give a brief but relevant introduction to your essay. In your second paragraph, your ideas were clear but you used run-on sentences. You should divide long sentences into shorter ones if a sentence does not make sense anymore. Furthermore, you should use more effective words in sentences to make your examples clearer to the reader. The grammatical and punctuation errors in your sentences also contribute to the overall comprehensibility of your essay. Your examples are suitable for the topic at hand.

You may get a rating of 3.5. Your essay is strong but you have to focus on improving your sentence construction. Your ideas are well-thought of but you have learn to convey them in a smooth manner by avoiding grammatical and punctuation errors and also run-on sentences.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-21 0:09:13编辑过]

德克的猪

这个是我的修改和我的老师的评价

 

Whether should we work with a group as a team or work in dependently(这个句子成分不完整, should…修饰的是whether,句子没有谓语和宾语,所以他给你改动了)? I have to admit that is a tough choice(看来他是比较讨厌废话的,在我以前的修改中我也提到过,能不写废话,就不写).（如果是我写我可能会写成： To work as a group or to work independently, that is a question.   套用莎士比亚经典）Some people tremendously emphasize the significance of cooperation. Numerous(为了和some对应,这里应该是用other) people, however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability can not be neglected(other people, however, think it is the other way around-individual talent or ability should not be neglected<这里用一个破折号连接一下,将两个句子揉合到一起>). （这个地方我同意你的看法）after a serious thinking ,I believe that the appliance of them depend on difference circumstances(As far as I am concerned, it is the specific circumstance that decides in what way we work-as this circumstance is not the exactly same in every different situation, one’s methodology should adapt to this uncertain circumstance-which means, there is no absolute answer to the question above..我这里改的比较的复杂,但是我个人认为解释了一下,使文章不那么简单. 这里有中立的嫌疑,我不建议中立).

（其实作者本身采取了视情况而定，
            如果你要把他的思路该掉，那他只有全文重来.）

 

for many cases(这里的确使in most cases,我在以前的修改中也有提到), teamwork is more important than working independently. To give a demonstration(既然他说不好,那就说let us say或者it will suffice to mention), many documents or projects of corporation, as is well- known to everyone, are so complicated and time-consuming(这里有几个问题:一是,你用的as is,但是后面跟的却是are,有不一致;二是,so that是结构,你只有so没有that,这里结合举例的句子,可以说:（如果单纯从语法角度上讲， as is 和are 没有关系，  这个are 的主语是documents or projects, as is well-known 是悬垂结构可以省略的部分）it will suffice to mention one task that invariably suffers a notorious reputation for it is the combination of complication and the time-consuming-<这里是一个破折号>the file management<我也不清楚档案管理该如何说>),

 

(这里首先有个语法错误，严格意义上讲当我们用for 表示补充说明信息时，我们通常在for 前面加逗号。我不赞成用notorious 这个词，用在Hitler身上还可以，
            我的感觉是你把原文好象是在扩写似的，用了更长的句子，更复杂的词汇，其实我并不赞成这点。这里用一个bad其实就可以了)

 

if project(such a project) is done merely by one person, it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate(deliberate似乎不这样用) as the teamwork(我这里有一个扩充的修改:Suppose that let an individual to undertake such a project, inevitably, a lot of time will be wasted to finish it for one’s vigor and ability are to some degree limited and the result, of course, is not satisfactory. ).

 

（你这里犯了个不该犯的错，
                是let sb do，
                并且再犯for 前面没有逗号，还有这里你觉得老外的意思说得清楚? 如果够清楚就可以。
                你的改法给人的感觉是在运用你背过的词汇，越多越好。）

 

 

 

Moreover the careless mistake(这里提醒一下,名词,要么是the+复数,要么是a+单数) made by individual may give rise to a adverse perhaps a catastrophic result(may trigger an adverse or even catastrophic result,两个形容词在这里都是选择性的,所以用一个or连接) which (can) cause the corporation losing vast amount of money,even the reputation(这里可以用名词,which can lead to a financial loss and a damage of reputation simultaneously).

 

（如果从语法角度上讲，
            可以用the careless mistake, 关键是他必须是指代前面所提过的。
            后面部分我赞成你的该法，
            如果不改又有语法错误，cause sb to do ）

 

 

 

nevertheless, working as a team can avoid such disastrous problems(发挥NCE3:Well, if teamwork can be utilized/practiced in such situations, we can be saved so many expanses and miseries).

 

(通常引用是很受欢迎的)

 

Because the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertise(advertising), budget and management. due to this(due to this中的due to和because重复了), they can make a better one(我发现你对于每个事件或者假设的解释不够清楚,所以显得比较没有说服力:As the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertising, budget, and management, those parts can be assigned to different people who have related expertise-via this way, a better result could be expected). 

 

（如果从语法角度上讲，
            我们可以用which 抵换those parts 应该更清晰，
            而且用非限制从句也是学术写作的一个标志，其他的改的很好。）

 

On the other hand, there also are(are also) reverse cases. In many crucial moment(复数) working independently ,as is a case in point(这里和reverse cases重复了), can help the team win the victory. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player(他就是最伟大的,用greatest很正确), provide(provided) us (with) a situation(quintessential example) mentioned above. Before the end of last game of the NBA finals against the jazz in the 1997-1998 season(In the sixth game of the NBA 97-98 season Finals against Utah Jazz), Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with others(我觉得这里这样写成At that moment, MJ, instead of choosing a teamwork, turned to a one-man show-he stole the ball form Malone, dribbled to the front court, shook off Russell, and won the sixth championship with a perfect majesty shoot-incredibly and, because all of this were done by MJ himself, independently), he played at a level. Then he made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed a 87-86 victory and won his sixth NBA championship.

 

 

（如果没有相关的背景知识是写不出象鲁提侠拳打郑关西的三个连环动作的，
            如果这样写我们还认为你很有文学功底。）

 

 

 

Consequently as you see(在我所有的修改中,我一直不用这样的句子,首先是我不喜好用you,然后是这样的用法我不肯定.) it is extremely(有的时候,为了表达自己的观点的正确性和无可置疑性,我们用副词来加强语气;我也提到过,在表达否定的时候,最好不要太绝对.这里是中间,也就是一个比较客观的立场,所以最好不要加带有主观倾向的副词,但是,这里可以说next to impossible) hard to conclude (名词原则,make a conclude/arrive at a consensus) which is or(more) important. Working with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

 

 

（最后这个你的说法我同意。）

 

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-21 0:10:24编辑过]

德克的猪

这里是RIO版主的修改

Whether should we work with a group as a team or work in dependently? I have to admit that is a tough choice（如果真想这么说就用一句话就行了:whether …or… is a tough choice）. Some people tremendously emphasize the significance of cooperation. numerous people, however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability can not be neglected. after a serious thinking, I believe that the appliance of them depend on difference circumstances.

for many cases, teamwork is more important than working independently. To give a demonstration, many documents or projects of corporation, as is well- known to everyone（这句话想说明什么？完全是废话）, are so complicated and time-consuming, if project is done merely by one person, it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate as the teamwork（想说什么？）. Moreover the careless mistake made by individual may give rise to a adverse perhaps a catastrophic result which cause the corporation losing vast amount of money, even the reputation. nevertheless, working as a team can avoid such disastrous problems. Because the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertise, budget and management.due to this, they can make a better one（又是表意不清楚）.这一段逻辑关系也有问题，究竟是个人不能做好很多事情需要别人协助，还是个人不能做好很多事情需要别人检查？

On the other hand, there also are reverse cases（两句话意思是重复的）. In many crucial moment working independently, as is a case in point, can help the team win the victory. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player, provides us a situation mentioned above(又是超级大废话).
        （这两行就说了一句话：Jordon’s success demonstrated the opposite）Before the end of last game of the NBA finals against the jazz in the 1997-1998 seasons, Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game（这句话又没把意思说清楚）. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with others, he played at a level. Then he made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed a 87-86 victory and won his sixth NBA championship.

Consequently as you see it is extremely hard to conclude which is or important. work with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

写完没有自己进行语法修改的文章直接拒绝修改。

而且断句还有很多问题。

这篇文章其实很典型，和很多人一样，废话多并且该说理的时候没有下功夫去说。比如第二段，完全可以举个例子说遍个程序-vista-那么复杂所以一个人不可能完成。很多人必须合作且要合作得很好。第三段，为什么不把乔丹的例子描述的生动点呢，比如在众目睽睽之下，还有5.2秒结束的时候，全场都摒住了呼吸，我在电视机前已经出了一身冷汗等等。不过，第三段最大的问题是，它并不能说服读者在这种情况下个人比团队合作重要，因为：在最后关头得最后两分的总是1个人，而不是5个人一起得分。换句话说，这里并没有说明这种情况下个人比团队更重要，除非加入以下描述：队友们都把球交给乔同学，乔同学一个人独得多少分，并且最后关头锁定胜局。或者说当时整个队伍已经绝望了，但是乔同学一个人坚信奇迹会出现，并用自己的行为鼓励了全队，最后锁定胜局。

其他观点同以上修改。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-21 0:11:58编辑过]

德克的猪

预留

德克的猪

预留

rio

我来收版税了

德克的猪

以下是引用rio在2007-6-21 0:19:00的发言：

我来收版税了

[attachimg]59143[/attachimg]

不客气

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-21 0:29:56编辑过]

kemu8018

先请教各位NN两个词的用法：

HOWEVER 和 NEVERTHELESS做然而的意思时，用法上有什么区别吗？

kemu8018

看完了一遍，斗胆上来说说看法，不同意见的使劲拍。。呵呵。。。

老外的改法很赞，句式简单，语言平时却说理透彻，逻辑严密，条理非常清楚，不过这样的文章不知道是否

能得高分，因为似乎离TOEFL要求得词汇和句式变化差一点。

LZ的改法同样也逻辑性地阐明了观点，而且句式和词汇非常复杂，有点震撼，呵呵，象那三个连环动作，

看的我心里直叫惭愧，97－98年的比赛细节历历在目不说，能用我至少三个都不懂的词汇描述出来，语言

功夫很厉害啊。。

看完总感受：LZ似乎很喜欢用破折号连接句子，老外明显不同意JORDAN是最伟大的篮球明星。。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-21 2:35:42编辑过]