[求助]处女作，求德克的猪改一下 感谢阿

风尘浪子

  刚开始准备托福，写了第一篇处女作，希望大家能够不吝赐教。天天好心情啊

 

The internet will eventually make conventional educational methods obsolete, do you agree or disagree, give reasons and examples to support you answer. 

 

 

Internet and education, to some degree, are one of the key words of 21^st century. With the trend of globalization, a multitude of people consider that conventional educational methods are somewhat out of dated, and should be replace by the newly-born-internet based ways. Though the online study own a lot of merits, say, more flexible to arrange their study schedules, a wide range of teaching materials, free choose to any kind of major knowledge, this rapid-developed method has never appealed to me.

  For one thing, if you can do without the dubious advantages of internet teaching, immediately, you will find that during that kind of process, mutual communication between professors and student are lost, which is of crucial to learners. As we all know, what contribute to the student’s academic achievement are not just merely knowledge acquired by duck-stuff teaching, but also the comprehension of what one has heard. Consequently, conventional educational method can provide us with simultaneous discussion, which would lead t better digestion of things that written in the textbooks or imparted by tutors.

  To such a paramount reason, another must be added. Online learning’s fairly free access to learning might, from my perspective, will inevitably trigger students lazy and idle, due to there is no compulsory factors force them to study, thus you can imagine the results and efficiency it bring along. I have experienced the internet study of New Oriental English online, I found that it is hard for me to focus my attention, as there were so many lures around me nearby, and at last I played basketball with my roommates together within thirty minutes.

   In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, the conventional educational method is far from obsolete and is still vital important for one to learn comprehensively and delightly .

 

  

 

cheryloo

猪猪现在真成名人啦...哈哈

GenieWoo

因为牛~

风尘浪子

德克的猪

等等

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-14 17:58:29编辑过]

德克的猪

Internet and education, to some degree(这个插入语用得不好,我建议用as no doubt), are one(你前面用的是are,后面接的却是one,矛盾了,这里直接写are the key words) of the key words of 21^st century. With the trend of globalization, a multitude of people consider that conventional educational methods are somewhat(这里就可以用to some degree) out of dated(说传统的方式过时,最好后面补足一下原因:for the new media currently can provide with people with a more convenient avenue to be educated), and should be replace(被动replaced) by the newly-born-internet based ways. Though the online study own(单数owns) a lot of merits, say, more flexible (for students) to arrange their study schedules, a wide range of teaching materials, free choose(choice,你的单词的形式在这段出现了很多的错误,这个要注意) to any kind of major knowledge(学科subject在这里比较好), (我不建议用though,我建议用however,因为老外经常会忘记though在前面,既然是强调,就把转折放到强调的地方,所以在写作中少用though)this rapid-developed method has never appealed(这段你单词的形式错误有5个) to me.

(开头还是比较好的做到了从general到specific,总体还是不错的,至少把摆脱了模版的窠臼)

 

For one thing, if you can do without the dubious advantages of internet teaching(恩,新概念3上的,不错不错!), immediately, you will find that during that kind of process(其实during的名词形式是可以多用的:in the duration of such a process), mutual communication between professors and student are lost(lost也许说不上,但是可以说:will diminish a great deal), which is (widely deemed) of crucial(of后面接名词,crucial是不可以的,这里可以说of paramount importance) to learners. As we all know, what contribute to the student’s academic achievement are not just merely knowledge acquired by duck-stuff(为你汗一把,填鸭式教学不是这样说的,而是cramming) teaching, but also the comprehension of what one has heard. Consequently, conventional educational method can provide us with simultaneous discussion, which would lead to better digestion of things that written in the textbooks or imparted by tutors(最好不说tutor,因为tutor在美式英语中指的是等级最低的那种老师,其实teacher这个词重复没有关系的).

(我觉得,这段说相互交流这个还应该多说一点,这样论证才比较充分)

 

To such a paramount reason, another must be added. Online learning’s fairly free access to learning might, from my perspective, will(might和will怎么能在一起呢?) inevitably trigger students lazy and idle(trigger接名词:sloth and idleness), due to there is no compulsory factors force them to study, thus you can imagine the results and efficiency it bring along. I have experienced the internet study of New Oriental English online, I found that it is hard for me to focus(concentrate) my attention, as there were so many lures around me nearby(around和nearby最好只用一个,不然会有表意的不清楚), and at last I played basketball with my roommates together within thirty minutes.

(最好还有一段说说internet的好处,然后说:虽然有好处,但是还是传统的教育更有优势,所以…)

In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, the conventional educational method is far from obsolete and is still vita important(汗,vital和important是一个意思) for one to learn comprehensively and delightly(delightedly).

 

(还是不错的…这里边我写作的痕迹很重呀!...不过都用得没有错误,蛮合适的.单词的形式你要多多注意哟,你的单复数,副词形式,动词形式都掌握得不是很好)

风尘浪子

谢谢啦，你的指导很到位啊。我是看过你作文修改集，所以多多少少有你的痕迹啦，呵呵

你的写作风格是我一直所推崇和追求的，你是我的偶像阿，厚厚………………

希望我们能继续相互支持，天天好心情哦！

lisalisalisa

The internet will eventually make conventional educational methods obsolete

怎么觉得这句话不舒服。是LZ 自己写的，还是在那里抄来的。我觉得既有语法上的错误又有逻辑上问题。

houjing8512

我妈现在都认识德克的猪了。

她没事爱逛这个论坛。今天就是她非把我拖来看这个帖子，“看看，德克的猪多好啊，帮人改了好多红字儿。英文我不认识，不过看着就觉得认真。回头你也写一个让他改改......”

呵呵。以后也请猪猪帮我指点一下。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-15 0:00:48编辑过]

lisalisalisa

猪是好人。我特喜欢三个小猪的故事。我想他是故事中的第三个猪。